Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I am an older student in my forties and have developed a huge crush on my married professor. He is about 15 years my senior and I typically am not into older men but he really does it for me. We have nothing in common yet I find myself extremely attracted to him physically. Before you all jump on me about his wife, I get it. I was actually cheated on by a spouse and it is brutal. I am not sure what I actually want with him. I just know I think of him a lot. He knew my name without me telling him. We make long periods of eye contact during lectures and he frequently uses my name in analogies. When we break into groups he comes to my group first for assistance. He is allowing special circumstances on an assignment and told me to keep it quiet because he is doing it for me. I have read some forums with twenty year old girls using the same examples I have, and to them that indicates their professor is interested. They sound ridiculous, yet I find myself using the same examples. I don't want to sound like a dumb lovestruck teen but at my age, you can kinda tell when they are sending a message. I'm not 100% sure but I really think so. I am divorced and extremely lonely. Not looking for a relationship though. I am way too busy with school and my kids. Just looking for "something". Maybe, just a friendship. He has stated in his lecture that he has gone out for a beer with students the last night of class after the final exam. Would it be inappropriate if I were to ask him to go out for a drink after our final? Especially, if there is a group of us. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 It sounds like you are already sending signals or at least, wishful thinking. Knowing what I know now, do not entertain the idea of being with a married man. It is not worth it. Honestly, nothing. It only breaks your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 Just curious, not denying that I am sort of wishful thinking but how do you think I am sending him signals? The only thing I am guilty of so far is holding eye contact, I thought it could merely be dismissed as me being an attentive student. I don't want to make a fool of myself, so I am extremely careful. I know that I know better. I know I deserve better than what he has to offer. I just have been alone so long and have not found anyone that excites me in a very long time. Part of me wants to not care if he is married. I dont know his wife, she is his problem. Then reality hits and I know how wrong it is. Then again, I might be making something out of nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 So after all that said about you being cheated on you want to have an affair with your professor knowing he's married..? Yeah that's idea. By the way what was the reasoning behind your divorce. Was there infidelity involved Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I get where you are coming from. I was an older student (a.k.a mature learner) too. I like the intellectual types myself. A good-looking professor would be a good catch. A SINGLE professor that is. I am not sure but perhaps he can see your intentions in your eyes. I could be wrong. It is odd how we all can sense when someone is into them. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Just curious, not denying that I am sort of wishful thinking but how do you think I am sending him signals? The only thing I am guilty of so far is holding eye contact, I thought it could merely be dismissed as me being an attentive student. I don't want to make a fool of myself, so I am extremely careful. I know that I know better. I know I deserve better than what he has to offer. I just have been alone so long and have not found anyone that excites me in a very long time. Part of me wants to not care if he is married. I dont know his wife, she is his problem. Then reality hits and I know how wrong it is. Then again, I might be making something out of nothing. Wow it even gets better with your new post unbelievable even after claiming you have been cheated on before and yet you don't care about his wife that's his problem Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 So after all that said about you being cheated on you want to have an affair with your professor knowing he's married..? Yeah that's idea. By the way what was the reasoning behind your divorce. Was there infidelity involved Yes. That was the cause of my divorce. I had three small children and it was VERY painful. He has a grown daughter. I KNOW it is wrong and 2 wrongs don't make a right but no one gave a **** if I got hurt. I don't want a relationship and I don't want to cause problems in his marriage. I just want to spend time with someone that I am into. Is that so horrible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 Wow it even gets better with your new post unbelievable even after claiming you have been cheated on before and yet you don't care about his wife that's his problem Look, I am not here to get beat up. I know what I am considering is immoral but these are true feelings I am struggling with and I am seeking advice, not condemnation. Because this is so taboo, I can't discuss this with friends or family. I am here anonymously so I no one knows I am the douche I feel like I am. Link to post Share on other sites
happy stillmore Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 (edited) Yes, it is horrible to use a person like that. I was in an affair but it was not for my jollies or a good time. It was a relationship with feelings. Wrong as it was because we were both married. I understand being lonely. BELIEVE me I do! I'm just advising you only go for single men. I'm saving you much heartache. Or are you doing this as revenge for your previous pain? Edited November 24, 2013 by happy stillmore Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 It kind of sounds like you already know what you want to do. As an OW, I will say that if you are lonely and looking for a relationship in which you won't be lonely, looking for the solution in a MM will not help you. It can be very, very lonely at times, more so than in a "normal" relationship, I think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Find a single man, especially since you are just lonely and looking for someone to hang out with. Why go through all of the trouble, pain and hurt that affairs cause, especially if you say you had been cheated on yourself? Keep the relationship a teacher and student one only. It already sounds like you've made up your mind about this, but I would suggest you not pursue anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 Yes, it is horrible to use a person like that. I was in an affair but it was not for my jollies or a good time. It was a relationship with feelings. Wrong as it was because we were both married. I understand being lonely. BELIEVE me I do! I'm just advising you only go for single men. I'm saving you much heartache. Or are you doing this as revenge for your previous pain? Revenge against my ex? No..he couldn't give a ****. Revenge on the world? I don't now. I will say it has changed me as a person. I don't see the world as a lovely place like I used to. I see as a constant source of pain. I do want a single man but I have not found any that interest me. Tried online dating..must have went on 25 dates. Hated them all. This is the first time I have truly been interested. Well, maybe not first time. Reconnected with an old boyfriend from hs on Facebook and we started talking a lot and intimately. Found out he had a live in GF. Everyone else cheats and doesn't care. My problem is I do care. That is why I am having such a hard time with this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Stop feeding your crush. You're lonely and know that choosing to enter an affair with your married prof is a not good life choice - For you, or for your kids. You know firsthand what damage, pain and heartache an affair can do. If you are lonely, spend time with women friends, try new hobbies etc... Date single men, dont' lust after a MM, you know it's wrong and there are no 'buts'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I understand the temptation believe me but this isn't the path to go to heal your heartache and loneliness, trust me on this one honey... it only makes it worse. I think sometimes people try to heal their past by choosing to enter these type of situations and hoping they will come out "right" this time... Ive seen it in my own family and friends and it doesn't work. I truly love my MM and I am optimistic that it will turn out right for us but I have to acknowledge that there is a good chance it will turn out just as terribly as many here have found ... and remember if it does turn out "happily ever after' for you it is at the cost of another woman's family... heavy stuff, is it worth it just because you are lonely? Steer clear of this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I wish I could explain to you the pain this could bring you. You are better off lonely than with an MM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 Revenge on the world? I don't now. I will say it has changed me as a person. I don't see the world as a lovely place like I used to. I see as a constant source of pain... Everyone else cheats and doesn't care. My problem is I do care. There's your mistake. The world was never an unmitigated lovely place, and it was never an unmitigated source of pain (unless you're a factory farmed animal). Your thinking is very black and white. We're either all good, or all cheats. Things are more complex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 I understand the temptation believe me but this isn't the path to go to heal your heartache and loneliness, trust me on this one honey... it only makes it worse. I think sometimes people try to heal their past by choosing to enter these type of situations and hoping they will come out "right" this time... Ive seen it in my own family and friends and it doesn't work. I truly love my MM and I am optimistic that it will turn out right for us but I have to acknowledge that there is a good chance it will turn out just as terribly as many here have found ... and remember if it does turn out "happily ever after' for you it is at the cost of another woman's family... heavy stuff, is it worth it just because you are lonely? Steer clear of this one. I totally agree with everything you said. My head tells me no, my heart tells me go for it. Just a question, if I have no intention of breaking up a marriage or a commitment, and she will never know and never have the heartbreak, does that make it a little better? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I totally agree with everything you said. My head tells me no, my heart tells me go for it. Just a question, if I have no intention of breaking up a marriage or a commitment, and she will never know and never have the heartbreak, does that make it a little better? Apart from not being able to guarantee that you won't get emotionally involved or his wife finding out, this can still cause his wife pain. She will be wondering why her husband is irritable or late home from work, distant or moody. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chattycathy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Share Posted November 24, 2013 I know you all are right. I was hoping I could get SOMEONE to see this from my point of view and give me the green light. I have some thinking to do. Thanks so much for the concern and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I am an older student in my forties and have developed a huge crush on my married professor. He is about 15 years my senior and I typically am not into older men but he really does it for me. We have nothing in common yet I find myself extremely attracted to him physically. Before you all jump on me about his wife, I get it. I was actually cheated on by a spouse and it is brutal. I am not sure what I actually want with him. I just know I think of him a lot. He knew my name without me telling him. We make long periods of eye contact during lectures and he frequently uses my name in analogies. When we break into groups he comes to my group first for assistance. He is allowing special circumstances on an assignment and told me to keep it quiet because he is doing it for me. I have read some forums with twenty year old girls using the same examples I have, and to them that indicates their professor is interested. They sound ridiculous, yet I find myself using the same examples. I don't want to sound like a dumb lovestruck teen but at my age, you can kinda tell when they are sending a message. I'm not 100% sure but I really think so. I am divorced and extremely lonely. Not looking for a relationship though. I am way too busy with school and my kids. Just looking for "something". Maybe, just a friendship. He has stated in his lecture that he has gone out for a beer with students the last night of class after the final exam. Would it be inappropriate if I were to ask him to go out for a drink after our final? Especially, if there is a group of us. I think you need to be honest and admit you're not looking for a "friendship", and even if you were, he isn't the best person. I get your loneliness. I do. I get that this attraction and the idea that it is reciprocated is exciting and more interesting than being alone and I get that you think it can just be some casual thing, but you're not the first neither will you be the last to walk this road and it end it disaster. You can't guarantee you won't fall for him and want more and a myriad of other things. Crushes are just that. You're not at the stage where "it's too late", you can very much reign it in at this point and keep it moving. He's your professor, he's married, if you guys got into an affair and it got out somehow it would not be good for many reasons. I don't condone affairs in general but I do think some circumstances are more problematic than others. I get the instant gratification and the throw caution to the wind feel where we just wanna do what we wanna do now and think about the consequences later or rationalize them away now, but many times we end up regretting it. So my two cents is that you should let the crush die and not pursue anything with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I totally agree with everything you said. My head tells me no, my heart tells me go for it. Just a question, if I have no intention of breaking up a marriage or a commitment, and she will never know and never have the heartbreak, does that make it a little better? You can't guarantee she will never know. And even if she doesn't know it will affect her as positive energy that belongs to her (from him) will be going to you. You may have no intention of breaking up a M at this point but later on in to the R as your feelings grow your intentions and desires in that regard may change. Yes, at first you'll probably have a great time with him. But, most of the time these things end badly and you stand a very good chance of ending up with a broken heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I totally agree with everything you said. My head tells me no, my heart tells me go for it. Just a question, if I have no intention of breaking up a marriage or a commitment, and she will never know and never have the heartbreak, does that make it a little better? Are you kidding me? You as a betrayed spouse truly think this makes a difference? You'd be helping this guy cheat on his wife, helping him spend time away from his wife and kids. Doesn't matter what your intentions are either. Fact is, eventually she will find out..Just like you found out about your husband's affair. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I totally agree with everything you said. My head tells me no, my heart tells me go for it. Just a question, if I have no intention of breaking up a marriage or a commitment, and she will never know and never have the heartbreak, does that make it a little better? No, it does not. Just because you have no intentions of breaking up a family, doesn't mean it won't happen. Just because you think she will never know doesn't mean she won't. I really don't understand why you can't find an available man to date/do whatever with. Would save a lot of heartache and trouble for many people. It's really sad that for someone who has experienced the pain of infidelity, you are willing to inflict it upon someone else, and yourself again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I know you all are right. I was hoping I could get SOMEONE to see this from my point of view and give me the green light. I have some thinking to do. Thanks so much for the concern and advice. Nobody here is going to give you the green light to go have an affair. You're a grown woman who can make her decisions, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 24, 2013 Share Posted November 24, 2013 I really don't understand why you can't find an available man to date/do whatever with. A lot of people aren't able to find compatible, available people to date. Just look at this board! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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