How does one heal after loving a commitmentphobe?

[Rachelmcandrew]

I wanted to post in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/200675-how-does-one-heal-loving-commitmentphobe but as it's over 60 days old, it wouldn't allow me to. I guess this can be part 2!

 

I'm currently on the tail end of dealing with this myself and it was so helpful to read back the comments some of you guys posted in '09. I've dealt with feeling confused and wondering how I'm ever going to trust a guy again after someone who I know 100% loved me so much, ended up running from me just as we were getting super close and our relationship was becoming serious. I miss him every day and think about him even though I know we can't ever be together again because I just can't trust him. Just wanted to check in with the rest of you to see if anyone else is going through the same thing - I'd be interested in hearing any stories about CP partners, past and present!

[d0nnivain]

Intellectually this should be easier because you know a commitment phob bolted for his own reasons which had nothing to do with you.

 

 

As for trusting somebody again going forward, ask a bit about their track record: Longest relationship etc. If you see CP traits, move on. Otherwise, trust them.

[SerCay]

Hi OP,

 

yes here's me.

 

Was with my bf cp 3 yrs. On off. Push pull. When things got heated, we'd hace no contact for 5 weeks and then he'd be back and pursue me like he had realized that he could never live without me.

 

Cheated multiple times, never even got near to living together, let alone staying over every day. At my luckiest, he would stay over 4 days a week. Could never spend days on end with me, always had to go home after spending the night, or when spending the day, went home afterwards.

 

Pretty much excluded me from social outings with his friends, when I was invited, he wouldnt go either. He spent the 2. day of christmas at a dinner with his best friends' whole family and he didnt think of taking me with, even though I asked. However, he would go alone to group things with friends, easily. Its jus with me that he didnt want to be in groups. Weird way of trying to exclude me from his social life. He would let me hang out with his fam and his best friend a lot ALONE. So just me him and the fam or friend.

 

He never was able to see us as a 2 wholes making a bigger whole, it was always you and me, eg. for dinner I would always think of him and want to dine with him every night, he preferred dining with his dad..

 

He was never able to take steps towards a future, buiding something together. Always had complaints, excuses of why we werent stable enough yet as a couple etc...

 

This list can go on..

 

Pretty much things like that..while on the other hand he truly cared for me, did so many things for me and still insists today he wants to be married to me one day and have kids.

[Rachelmcandrew]

Gosh it's so weird reading back stories you guys have posted - it's ALL so, so eerily similar.

 

My CP sounds very similar to yours, except we never made it to 3 years. He excluded me from all social gatherings too, always had a number of wonderful excuses about why I couldn't come along. The thing you posted about him spending the day with you then going home to his own place afterwards - I can completely identify. For Valentine's day this year, my CP planned this surprise trip for me out of town - hired a car, picked me up from my place, drove me all the way, took me to a beautiful romantic dinner and surprised me with a present and flowers. Then asked (and sounded annoyed) that I was staying the night, because that would have meant we had spent a whole 24 hours together and I guess that was 'too much'. There are SO many other stories where that one comes from.

 

How did your relationship end? Are you moving forward, are you happy?

[SerCay]

Gosh it's so weird reading back stories you guys have posted - it's ALL so, so eerily similar.

 

My CP sounds very similar to yours, except we never made it to 3 years. He excluded me from all social gatherings too, always had a number of wonderful excuses about why I couldn't come along. The thing you posted about him spending the day with you then going home to his own place afterwards - I can completely identify. For Valentine's day this year, my CP planned this surprise trip for me out of town - hired a car, picked me up from my place, drove me all the way, took me to a beautiful romantic dinner and surprised me with a present and flowers. Then asked (and sounded annoyed) that I was staying the night, because that would have meant we had spent a whole 24 hours together and I guess that was 'too much'. There are SO many other stories where that one comes from.

 

How did your relationship end? Are you moving forward, are you happy?

 

Yes, he would have excuses too for social gatherings together, like he would fall asleep when there was a party, he would say he didnt feel like seeing this or that friend, but then when I wouldnt be able to go on another ocassion to a group gathering, all of the falling asleep and the not liking the friend would disappear and he would be out there having fun.

 

How did my relationship end?

 

By me calling it quits..I literally couldnt stand him no more and I was waiting for the day that would happen. Something just changed in an instant a week ago. I had worked, he asked to see me later, then after work when I asked him to pick me up from the trainstation he said:''I can't, I overslept, and now I'm cooking''.He was cooking for himself and his dad. He hadn't even thought of me or what I would eat after work. I knew this because he was cooking meat and I'm a vegetarian. He then offered to order me a pizza on his account....and that moment I just turned cold. Usually when I turned cold I would start to miss him after a day but now I can't even stand to hear his voice. I think mostly because he has always denied having CP. Everybody in his family would tell him he has it, he would deny and say ''all men have this''.

 

Am I happy?

 

No but I will get there...Being in a relationship with a CP messes you up. Because there are huge contradiction and that just screws with your head. On the one hand, he'd do anything for you, on the other hand he excludes you from his life. You're his all and his nothing. And of course on the other hand of the sweet things he does for you when you're his all, there are the *sshole things he does to you when you're being pushed away, including continuous contact with ''female friends''. It especially messed with my head because we had plans for the future, he KNOWS im the love of his life, and he tells me so on many ocassions. We had future plans and were planning on having a child. BUT there he is always finding excuses why things arent right yet. What he didnt realize was that by continuously complaining about ''things not being right (enough)'', he was making me a bitter person, who eventually said ''f*ck this, I'm out''. Even though he was my love of my life too. I ended up with co-dependency, and major self esteem issues.

 

Moving forward?

 

Most certainly. But I started that months ago. Sitting at home, desperate and isolated (read my thread in break up about isolating yourself in a bad relationship) wasnt getting me anywhere. I realized it was only me I was punishing because he was just being himself and he wasnt going to change. I got a job, changed my uni and am now a happy student and employee. Gotta say it takes my mind off things big time and gives me confidence which I am now using to re-build self esteem.

 

Oh, I should probably mention that him and I were living 10 minutes away from each other.

Edited November 24, 2013 by SerCay

[Frank13]

I'm a CP, so if you have any questions about it or what goes through our minds, feel free to PM me.

[BriarHeart]

I recently got dumped by a commitment-phobe around a month ago. I’m finding it a whole lot easier moving on knowing that I have a real chance of sustaining a long term relationship with the next person I fall in love with where as he is probably just going to continue on his path of destruction.

 

I had red flags that he was a CP long before I read up on the subject. One of the first ones was that he did come across as the perfect boyfriend, he was so caring towards me, it seemed as though there was no limit of money he was willing to spend or distance he was willing to travel to make me happy. I wondered how could this man be single, how has he never been in a long-term relationship.

 

The second red flag came when I asked him about his ex girlfriends, I asked him a ton of questions about them because of the first red flag, he seemed too good to be true. Early in the relationship he told me a lot of horror stories involving his EXs mostly about them getting with revenge after they broke up. It was odd that when I asked him how they broke up he said they broke up with him or it was mutual. He was always vague to who broke up with whom and would change his story often. I think he broke up with them but didn’t want me to know.

 

When he told me the reasons they broke up it he would say things like they didn’t give him enough space or they wanted more commitment than he was willing to give. He also said their relationships moved too fast. You would presume it was his Exs who did all the fast forwarding but when he was with me he used to bring up us moving into together, he would always mention ‘when’ we get married. We had a really awkward conversation with his mother where he was mentioning our wedding day.

 

I always took these comments with a pinch of salt for various reasons, firstly we were only together for a few months so it seemed ridiculous, secondly I know he’d probably said these things to previous Exs and didn’t mean it and finally, I don’t see the point of rushing in a relationship, he seemed to want to rush everything. He said he would marry someone within 2 years if the feelings were right, I mean why does he feel he has to rush. Although I was suspicious of this, it was nice to have someone who seemed to want a future with me.

 

Another reason I thought he was a CP was his ridiculous over-the-top reaction to me wanting children. He asked me if I wanted children in the future to which I replied ‘yes’ and he seemed to have lost his mind, it spiralled out of control. Every time we were together and saw a child or even a product for children in the supermarket or on TV he’d have to say something like ‘ew that’s horrible’ or ‘I never want to be a father’ it was really annoying.

 

He told me he was afraid of being trapped and as much as I tried to reassure him I would never do that, I would only start a family with someone I had been with years and they had wanted the same thing, he’d never believe me. It was horrible to be made to feel like a baby-crazed fool only because I want children in the future. I’m still quite young I would only consider having children in 5 – 10 years, which I told him, but he didn’t seem to believe me. To his credit he stopped doing this after a couple of months, which was nice but I could tell the fear was still there.

 

He started distancing himself from me near the end of the relationship and I started to panic and tried to pull him closer, I did nothing ridiculous I just called him more than usual. I know I shouldn’t have but I doubt it would have made that much difference. His reason for breaking up with me and I quote ‘you have been acting weird for weeks’. It was a lame reason I’m sure there was more but I didn’t stick around to ask, I just wished him all the best and left. I’m sure the reasons he would have told me would have been putting me to blame. I don’t resent him for breaking up with me, he has problems with relationships and not until he resolves the problems for himself instead of blaming the women he is with he won’t be happy.

 

Sorry for the rant btw I just felt like I needed to vent!

[maturityassets]

Its hard. At first you are so hard on yourself. Me? I dealt with all my emotional issues. Tried to deal with my codependency which wasn't even that extreme now that I looked back. I should have watched out initially. She told me about previous boyfriends and how she left them after they said they loved her. She dumped another one when he iniated sex but she backed out the last second second. Even when we started dating she made a statement that she hoped to out last her previous relationship which was only 3 months, which of course we did. And once things got serious between us, sex and facing life crisis together such as a car accident/bender fender she backed out. Originally all the things that she found adorable about me became annoying to her. So I took all that to heart. Shattered every perception of myself. Went into nihilism, read of psychology and philosophy, but eventually I found myself again. I no longer depend on someone on my happiness. I'm still frightened at times but the current person I love, I somehow trust her because she has showed me she is not my ex but if anything does happen I'll be ok .

[BriarHeart]

I went through the same thing, I also blamed myself. If only I was a better woman, if only I did that, if only I didn’t do this. Ultimately it’s unproductive in any break up not only with CPs. I’m not comfortable saying my ex is definitely a commitment phobe, it’s just a lot of his traits point to him being uneasy with the notion of long term commitment, although he claimed he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I don’t feel entirely right diagnosing him.

 

A week before my ex broke up with me he listed things he didn’t like about me although these were pretty minor things. It seems he was trying to convince himself why he didn’t want to be with me, he had no specific reason. I am really confused to the real reason he broke up with me is, I’m not even sure there is one, it doesn’t matter really. The bottom line is he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and that’s all I need to know.

 

Am I worried about this happening to me again? Not really. Now I know what the red flags are I know what to avoid. It hasn’t affected my capability to love another person? I still believe in true love (as corny as it sounds). When I love someone I stick by them, I believe in working things out, probably why I’m always the dumpee. But don’t get me wrong if someone mistreats me I’m prepared to walk, I value myself. I know there are people out there with the same approach to love and relationships as me and I know I’m a loveable person.

 

I didn’t stick around when my ex dumped me, I know my ex didn’t truly love me otherwise he wouldn’t have left me and definitely wouldn’t have given me such a lame reason for leaving. It’s a tough pill to swallow especially as I truly loved him.

 

Being able to truly love someone is a valuable thing; I wear my compassion, honesty and ability to love with all my heart as a badge of honor.

[maturityassets]

I went through the same thing, I also blamed myself. If only I was a better woman, if only I did that, if only I didn’t do this. Ultimately it’s unproductive in any break up not only with CPs. I’m not comfortable saying my ex is definitely a commitment phobe, it’s just a lot of his traits point to him being uneasy with the notion of long term commitment, although he claimed he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I don’t feel entirely right diagnosing him.

 

A week before my ex broke up with me he listed things he didn’t like about me although these were pretty minor things. It seems he was trying to convince himself why he didn’t want to be with me, he had no specific reason. I am really confused to the real reason he broke up with me is, I’m not even sure there is one, it doesn’t matter really. The bottom line is he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and that’s all I need to know.

 

Am I worried about this happening to me again? Not really. Now I know what the red flags are I know what to avoid. It hasn’t affected my capability to love another person? I still believe in true love (as corny as it sounds). When I love someone I stick by them, I believe in working things out, probably why I’m always the dumpee. But don’t get me wrong if someone mistreats me I’m prepared to walk, I value myself. I know there are people out there with the same approach to love and relationships as me and I know I’m a loveable person.

 

I didn’t stick around when my ex dumped me, I know my ex didn’t truly love me otherwise he wouldn’t have left me and definitely wouldn’t have given me such a lame reason for leaving. It’s a tough pill to swallow especially as I truly loved him.

 

Being able to truly love someone is a valuable thing; I wear my compassion, honesty and ability to love with all my heart as a badge of honor.

Yeah I'm the same way. Work on things no matter what... And I didn't fight for my ex either. She convinced herself out of it. Im never comfortable at labeling my ex anything. Often times you'll see people labeling their ex's as sociopaths or having BPD and while sometimes it is true, majority of the time its an influx of emotions influencing our judgments. After 8 months though and only breaking NC once in 7 months time, it's a lot easier to reflect and say to yourself that while you have flaws they had flaws as well and some pretty evident. I don't wish my ex badly, I actually would be pleasantly surprised if she did commit to someone. But with her track record who knows and who cares? As long as I have learned from the experience and forgive myself, nothing else really matters. Best of luck with everything!

[Rachelmcandrew]

Yes, he would have excuses too for social gatherings together, like he would fall asleep when there was a party, he would say he didnt feel like seeing this or that friend, but then when I wouldnt be able to go on another ocassion to a group gathering, all of the falling asleep and the not liking the friend would disappear and he would be out there having fun.

 

Mine did a variation of this. He never bothered inviting me when he went out, god knows where he even went half the time. I never dared to ask because I didn't want to seem like a 'suspicious' or 'pushy' girlfriend. The one time I asked him to come out to a group outing with me and my friends to a club, he made a stupid excuse and then stopped talking to me for the rest of the day.

 

How did my relationship end?

 

By me calling it quits..I literally couldnt stand him no more and I was waiting for the day that would happen. Something just changed in an instant a week ago. I had worked, he asked to see me later, then after work when I asked him to pick me up from the trainstation he said:''I can't, I overslept, and now I'm cooking''.He was cooking for himself and his dad. He hadn't even thought of me or what I would eat after work. I knew this because he was cooking meat and I'm a vegetarian. He then offered to order me a pizza on his account....and that moment I just turned cold. Usually when I turned cold I would start to miss him after a day but now I can't even stand to hear his voice. I think mostly because he has always denied having CP. Everybody in his family would tell him he has it, he would deny and say ''all men have this''.

 

My CP's family used to tell him constantly that he was CP too. He seems very aware of it, and even told me in the first few days of our relationship! I was naive though and didn't even know what being CP meant - I thought it meant that he didn't want to get married anytime soon, and I didn't want that really either. Obviously, a year later I've had a very painful lesson in the nuances of CP and I'm much more aware for it. But no, all men do not have this. When I compare him to other men I've had in my life, I can see how completely abnormal he is.

 

Am I happy?

 

No but I will get there...Being in a relationship with a CP messes you up. Because there are huge contradiction and that just screws with your head. On the one hand, he'd do anything for you, on the other hand he excludes you from his life. You're his all and his nothing. And of course on the other hand of the sweet things he does for you when you're his all, there are the *sshole things he does to you when you're being pushed away, including continuous contact with ''female friends''. It especially messed with my head because we had plans for the future, he KNOWS im the love of his life, and he tells me so on many ocassions. We had future plans and were planning on having a child. BUT there he is always finding excuses why things arent right yet. What he didnt realize was that by continuously complaining about ''things not being right (enough)'', he was making me a bitter person, who eventually said ''f*ck this, I'm out''. Even though he was my love of my life too. I ended up with co-dependency, and major self esteem issues.

 

This part was painful to read. I completely, 150% identify - you have no idea. We have all been through the very same thing. I get 'with one hand he gives and with the other he takes away'. Mine did that in so many ways that its not even funny. We got super close at one point and were spending entire weekends together and having a great time. Our relationship was going so well, and he kept talking about how happy he was - then within a few days he stood me up and lied to me about his whereabouts. It got so tiring. I put up with A LOT too with his female friends, his harem. I don't know why I did it. And yes, it left me with self-esteem issues too and major trust issues. I haven't found another relationship yet, but I'm definitely more defensive with men who try to approach me. I actually feel sorry for them because I just label all men as bastards now - I'm really trying not to be, because I don't want to be as messed up as my CP. I want to move forward and be happy. He was always so jealous of his exes that he has let go (wonderful, beautiful women) who have moved forward with other men and found happiness and happy marriages. It's because he knows he coldly dumped them and probably won't ever be able to make a commitment. My ultimate goal is to move forward like those women.

 

Moving forward?

 

Most certainly. But I started that months ago. Sitting at home, desperate and isolated (read my thread in break up about isolating yourself in a bad relationship) wasnt getting me anywhere. I realized it was only me I was punishing because he was just being himself and he wasnt going to change. I got a job, changed my uni and am now a happy student and employee. Gotta say it takes my mind off things big time and gives me confidence which I am now using to re-build self esteem.

 

Oh, I should probably mention that him and I were living 10 minutes away from each other.

 

I'm so glad you're being so strong - you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders because you realised how badly he was treating you and actually got fed up with his sh*t! A lot of us never get to that stage - like myself. I still loved him for months after our break up and I actually thought he was exaggerating his phobia, I never even believed commitmentphobia was real! How a year of life can change you. I don't regret it - I've learned A LOT and it's brought me even closer to my closest friends, who never ever turned away from me when I was confused, broken, crying and hurting for months on end. So there are some positives to all this.

[Rachelmcandrew]

I recently got dumped by a commitment-phobe around a month ago. I’m finding it a whole lot easier moving on knowing that I have a real chance of sustaining a long term relationship with the next person I fall in love with where as he is probably just going to continue on his path of destruction.

 

I had red flags that he was a CP long before I read up on the subject. One of the first ones was that he did come across as the perfect boyfriend, he was so caring towards me, it seemed as though there was no limit of money he was willing to spend or distance he was willing to travel to make me happy. I wondered how could this man be single, how has he never been in a long-term relationship.

 

The second red flag came when I asked him about his ex girlfriends, I asked him a ton of questions about them because of the first red flag, he seemed too good to be true. Early in the relationship he told me a lot of horror stories involving his EXs mostly about them getting with revenge after they broke up. It was odd that when I asked him how they broke up he said they broke up with him or it was mutual. He was always vague to who broke up with whom and would change his story often. I think he broke up with them but didn’t want me to know.

 

When he told me the reasons they broke up it he would say things like they didn’t give him enough space or they wanted more commitment than he was willing to give. He also said their relationships moved too fast. You would presume it was his Exs who did all the fast forwarding but when he was with me he used to bring up us moving into together, he would always mention ‘when’ we get married. We had a really awkward conversation with his mother where he was mentioning our wedding day.

 

I always took these comments with a pinch of salt for various reasons, firstly we were only together for a few months so it seemed ridiculous, secondly I know he’d probably said these things to previous Exs and didn’t mean it and finally, I don’t see the point of rushing in a relationship, he seemed to want to rush everything. He said he would marry someone within 2 years if the feelings were right, I mean why does he feel he has to rush. Although I was suspicious of this, it was nice to have someone who seemed to want a future with me.

 

Another reason I thought he was a CP was his ridiculous over-the-top reaction to me wanting children. He asked me if I wanted children in the future to which I replied ‘yes’ and he seemed to have lost his mind, it spiralled out of control. Every time we were together and saw a child or even a product for children in the supermarket or on TV he’d have to say something like ‘ew that’s horrible’ or ‘I never want to be a father’ it was really annoying.

 

He told me he was afraid of being trapped and as much as I tried to reassure him I would never do that, I would only start a family with someone I had been with years and they had wanted the same thing, he’d never believe me. It was horrible to be made to feel like a baby-crazed fool only because I want children in the future. I’m still quite young I would only consider having children in 5 – 10 years, which I told him, but he didn’t seem to believe me. To his credit he stopped doing this after a couple of months, which was nice but I could tell the fear was still there.

 

He started distancing himself from me near the end of the relationship and I started to panic and tried to pull him closer, I did nothing ridiculous I just called him more than usual. I know I shouldn’t have but I doubt it would have made that much difference. His reason for breaking up with me and I quote ‘you have been acting weird for weeks’. It was a lame reason I’m sure there was more but I didn’t stick around to ask, I just wished him all the best and left. I’m sure the reasons he would have told me would have been putting me to blame. I don’t resent him for breaking up with me, he has problems with relationships and not until he resolves the problems for himself instead of blaming the women he is with he won’t be happy.

 

Sorry for the rant btw I just felt like I needed to vent!

 

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, and don't ever apologise for ranting! It was great to read

 

First of all, I'm so sorry you've been through this, but I'm glad you're sharing and we can all help each other to get through this and move forward. You're already being super positive about this which is great, and it's true that you can definitely sustain a long-term relationship with the next person because the problem certainly wasn't you. Your CP (like my ex) will definitely have this problem in the future. I used to fear that as soon as I was out of the picture, my CP would move on to the next girl who would have some magic words to say to him and he would somehow fantastically be transformed into a commitment-able, wonderful boyfriend. I'm ashamed to say I checked up on him recently at a weak moment and he is exactly the same - chasing women much younger than himself, from completely the wrong background, and basically avoiding a real relationship with someone actually suitable for him. Part of me was surprised and part of me wasn't; but I do wonder if/when he will ever grow up. As you said, they're on their path of destruction, and we should just be glad we're no longer on it!

 

I had a number of red flags too, far too many to list on here (though I do have a list saved in my phone for those moments where I get a bit tearful and miss him). They remind me of all the pain he put me through, how he just disregarded my feelings and how little respect he showed me. I know I don't deserve that and neither do you.

 

Please feel free to rant as much as you want - I created this thread so we can compare CP's ridiculous behaviour, feel better about it being over and help ourselves to move on!

[Rachelmcandrew]

I'm a CP, so if you have any questions about it or what goes through our minds, feel free to PM me.

 

Hey Frank, thanks for the offer I can't PM anyone yet unfortunately but I think it'd be good for all of us to be able to see your responses so if you don't mind, it'd be great if you could answer on this thread?

 

The thing I've been wondering the most is, do CPs feel any guilt at all? I'm assuming you've hurt a lot of women, did you ever feel bad about it?

[Frank13]

Hey Frank, thanks for the offer I can't PM anyone yet unfortunately but I think it'd be good for all of us to be able to see your responses so if you don't mind, it'd be great if you could answer on this thread?

 

The thing I've been wondering the most is, do CPs feel any guilt at all? I'm assuming you've hurt a lot of women, did you ever feel bad about it?

 

I hesitate to answer publically for fear of being attacked based on my answers or thought of as a nutcase but I will answer this one.

 

I haven't hurt a lot of woman because my CP keeps me from getting too close. The thing I feel when I start to get involved seriously with someone is that I wake up in the morning and feel absolute dread and anxiety about the relationship. It is this heavy sense of "responsibility" for another human being. That this person's happiness is dependant on me and what I do or don't do. That my whole life can be thrown out of control by what this person does or by what happens to them. What if they wreck their car and end up in the hospital? Do I have to give them a ride to work everyday? Do I have to pay their medical bills? Do I have to find them a new car, cut their grass, take care of their house? What if they lose their job and now I have to support them? For christs sake I haven't even known this person that long. Why would I want all this crap when everything in my life is going fine? As irrational as it sounds, that's the thought process that goes through my mind.

 

Once things start getting serious, I can't just go with the flow. I start analyzing the future. I see that as long as I am with this person, everything I do will involve them. Every vacation I take will have to be with them. Every dinner or movie I go to will have to be with them.

 

However, one long term relationship I had, I would feel all this pressure and stress. I would break it off. I would feel at peace and relieved. Then I would start feeling lonely and realize that of all the people in the world, this one loves me so I would go back. Then the cycle would repeat. I even would start to feel the pressure and have a discussion with her saying we wouldn't stay together and that we have no future. She would agree (I think she didn't but knew this appeased me). Then I would be fine for a few weeks until I started the "forever" thoughts again.

 

As for guilt, when I am feeling the stress and pressure of the relationship, all I want is out. There is no room in my mind for guilt or wondering how badly I hurt the other person. It is not selfishness. It isn't that I don't care about the other person. It's just that my mind is so full of the stress that I don't think of anything else. Once I am out of the relationship, the stress and thoughts of responsibility go away. Then I think of what I miss and like about the person and try to get back in the door.

 

CPs go though this constant conflict in their mind. You see it as selfishness and not caring. It is not that. They aren't thinking that. They aren't trying to use you or play around until something better comes along. They want to be close, but then their thoughts as I mentioned above scare therm away. I have tried thinking of things in a different way. It doesn't help. I have been this way all my life and I don't see it changing. I am fully aware how I am. It is very hard for a CP because they want the closeness and desire to be with a woman, but they know their thoughts will come up and they will want out. They are stuck in the middle.

[TrappedWanderer]

Frank, thank you for sharing your story and perspective. It was brave of you to do on here, so thanks.

 

My husband was exactly as you described...I could practically see the internal conflict of him. I stuck around, trying to help him through it....but he kept pushing me away to the point where there was nothing for me to do but leave, which has been heartbreaking.

 

There's more to it than that, of course....other factors, etc. But I was wondering, from your perspective-is there anything the other person can do to help overcome this stress/anxiety about being in a loving, committed relationship? Anything not to do?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

My ex of 3 years is a commitment phobe too.

 

His favorite line to use when he gets scared, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

 

He truly cares for me and does love me, but he won't allow himself to get too close...He told me this.

 

I've been talking to a clairvoyant (someone who can feel the feelings of another person and see the past and present) and I have a plethora of very useful fantastic advice that might help some of you, this is just a small part of it:

 

I can tell you that not many people are self aware of why they do the things they do so try not to get too caught up in HOW he decided to convey this to you. And don't take any of this as some message to his devotion to your friendship because how he behaves towards you has a lot less to do with how he feels about you than you think.

 

I was a licensed counselor for the state of Georgia up until 4 years ago when I let my license expire. Before that, I still did this for a living but I also worked in more formal areas as a life coach and consultant. I was a counselor at a homeless gay teen shelter here in Atlanta, a child advocate for the Fulton county court system and a cognitive behavioral therapy facilitator for couples. And the one thing I've learned from all these very connected fields of psychology is that people don't really behave based on how they see others. This is a common belief we have as a species about others, and even about ourselves, but it's not true. I hear people say things like, "she made me angry." But in actuality, no one can spark that anger in you unless you allow it. And more so importantly, depending on how you see yourself, that anger may never come.

 

And example of this reality I like to give it this: If you are a person who suffers from extreme low self esteem and you walk into a room full of people right when they are erupting in laughter, you might assume they are laughing at you even if that's not the truth. You would react and behave from that moment on as though this is true, maybe even feeling a bit shy or angry around some of the people later. So, even if this is not real, it becomes your reality and shapes your behavior. Now, imagine if you were someone who is very self accepting of yourself (not self esteem. that's a trap as you need something outside of yourself to have self esteem. I mean self acceptance where you accept who and what you are no matter what). Imagine that you're this person of true self acceptance, and you walk into a room where this happened. You might automatically assume a really funny joke had just been said and you missed it. You might even ask around to see what was said to get in on the joke. But you likely would not assume it was you who was the joke. The incident may even make you feel jovial if you are naturally a very gregarious person. So, as you see by this simple example, humans react to circumstances based on how we see ourselves more so than how we see everyone else.

 

Try to keep this in mind when dealing with any of your social interactions. His behavior is due to how he sees himself, not how he sees you. He choice to let you know this over text was because of a fear of conflict and guilt he feels. He waited until he could not take his fears any longer before he talked to you about it and that's why it feels so sudden when your intuition told you there were problems here long before this or you would not have come to me. The way he's doing this was because he didn't want to deal with this, not because he didn't care enough about you to tell you face to face. These situations are never as easy as he loves me or he does not and that's the reason he did what the did. A person does what he does based on internalized thoughts he has about himself that you could never fully understand. But know that you can only look into your behavior as a source of critique because how he reacts is not due to you. I'm saying that we lie to ourselves and it's not as simple as he does not care about me enough to do this or that. I hope you well.

[Frank13]

Frank, thank you for sharing your story and perspective. It was brave of you to do on here, so thanks.

 

My husband was exactly as you described...I could practically see the internal conflict of him. I stuck around, trying to help him through it....but he kept pushing me away to the point where there was nothing for me to do but leave, which has been heartbreaking.

 

There's more to it than that, of course....other factors, etc. But I was wondering, from your perspective-is there anything the other person can do to help overcome this stress/anxiety about being in a loving, committed relationship? Anything not to do?

 

You are welcome TrappedWanderer. I see the topic of CP come up every so often and people are refered to articles but don't really get the chance to ask questions. As I get older and realize I won't change, I figure maybe I can use my CP to help others.

 

The problem with CPs is that while most people might be perfectly fine with a relationship and only get stressed when there is talk of marriage, the CPs get those thoughts right at the start of the relationship. They don't see a relationship as a "let's see how it goes and who knows what the future holds". They see it as "as long as I am in this relationship, this is my future. Unless I do something to end it, this relationship and person are forever". That's what scares them and stresses them. It's a catch 22. When they aren't in a relationship they want one. Once they are in one, it's forever unless they end it. Once they end it, it is no longer forever, so it again interests them. Not sure if that even makes sense to anyone but a CP.

 

I may get blasted for this especially by other. CPs, but in all honesty, the best advice I can give anyone regarding a CP is to not get involved with therm. It will always be push pull. They won't change. Of course often times by the time you realize they are CP, you are in too deep. So the best I can say is if you left a CP and are struggling, don't have regrets. If you start to get involved with someone and see the red flags, get out.

 

That said, I will give you one thing that will keep a CP from having this stress and anxiety, although by its nature it won't help in a relationship.

 

Unrequited love.

 

You know a CP will pursue relentlessly and I was/am the same way. If a girl doesn't want to be with us there is no future or commitment so there is no stress and no anxiety. Of course the girl has to get the CP hooked. If she outright refuses to have anything to do with him, he will eventually give up.

 

So what has to happen is for the guy and girl to be friends and he falls for her, but she doesn't feel the same. Or the guy is interested in a girl but she gives him mixed signals. She shows interest but keeps him at arm's length. She doesn't reject him, but she doesn't get with him either. This causes the CP to feel hope + doubt which = passion. That is why mixed signals and push pull drives people crazy and why it affects woman when the CP does it. It creates passion.

 

So if the girl shows interest, but not too much, the CP is in pursuit mode. He is trying to win her over, but he doesn't have her yet so there are no thoughts of a future together No relationship forever, no commitment, so there is no stress or conflict. However, once she gives in, the CP thoughts will start.

 

So unless you can be in love with a guy but make him think you aren't but might eventually be, and keep it that way, I don't think there is much yoiu can do. In my one long term relationship, the only thing that helped was for me to tell my woman that there was no future for us. She would agree, but only to appease me, and I would be okay for a few weeks, but eventually the CP thoughts would come back.

[Sandy99]

If you know for a fact that you were dating a commitment phobic person, then in a sense it should be easier to get over them. Their "it's not you, it's me" comments, were probably dead on. They can't have a long term relationship because of some emotional or mental limitations. This also means that you don't have to expect them to get into a long term relationship anytime soon. If you see them starting to date again, you can rest assured that this will be just another temporary dating situation. And you can feel confident that they will make an immediate u turn out of the relationship the second they feel the slightest bit of pressure or uncomfortableness.

 

If it is really obvious that your ex was a commitment phobic, and you realize this on the way out of the relationship, I say tell that person that you think this about them. At some point it's going to sink in to them that they are the problem and maybe they'll get some help for it.

[SerCay]

If you know for a fact that you were dating a commitment phobic person, then in a sense it should be easier to get over them. Their "it's not you, it's me" comments, were probably dead on. They can't have a long term relationship because of some emotional or mental limitations. This also means that you don't have to expect them to get into a long term relationship anytime soon. If you see them starting to date again, you can rest assured that this will be just another temporary dating situation. And you can feel confident that they will make an immediate u turn out of the relationship the second they feel the slightest bit of pressure or uncomfortableness.

 

If it is really obvious that your ex was a commitment phobic, and you realize this on the way out of the relationship, I say tell that person that you think this about them. At some point it's going to sink in to them that they are the problem and maybe they'll get some help for it.

 

Dear Sandy,

 

I've told him numerous time. So has his family. He doesn't want to believe it.

 

And TBH, it doesnt make it easier to get over them..because these are not situations in which you MUST break up because somebody does something unforgiveable or the feelings are lost or anything This is an example of 2 people loving each other, wanting to stay together and start a family, but 1 person is so afraid he constantly sabotages it.

 

After he sabotages it, he wants to come back and make it right again. Time after time after time.

 

This is not a common break up...this is a break up out of necessity. As the partner of a CP you have the choice to either stay living in seperate houses, have a long distance relationship while living 10 min apart from each other and accept the fact that he will always try to push you away..OR leave and hope to find normal happiness somewhere along the way....

 

This exact choice makes it hard. Because he was the person I could get along with BEST. Never have I met someone, with who I had the same taste in food, humor, wittiness, movies, etc etc. He was my best friend on many levels. It felt as if we had grown up together. It felt like that for both of us.

 

That makes this the hardest break up ever. Because even though I might have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful and devoted man in the future, I'm not sure whether I will find that same ''click'' him and I had...

 

We truly were each other's ''love of our lives''

 

A lot of the times we used to joke around that we could've been siblings, so much were we alike in many things.

 

But yeah, thats my experience

Edited November 26, 2013 by SerCay

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Even if they DO believe it and know they are a CP, nothing changes. It would take years of therapy and the will to continue to go to therapy.

 

My ex knows he has a problem, but doesn't do anything to fix it.

 

Change is hard to people, they are comfortable staying with what is familiar.

[SerCay]

Even if they DO believe it and know they are a CP, nothing changes. It would take years of therapy and the will to continue to go to therapy.

 

My ex knows he has a problem, but doesn't do anything to fix it.

 

Change is hard to people, they are comfortable staying with what is familiar.

 

Knwoing you have a problem and being willing to compromise and meet each other half way would also work, but it seems as though the fear takes over all the time..