How's this for an apology letter?

[Jame22]

Pretty strait forward...I pulled a dck move on a nice girl & now I feel guilty.

 

Hey, I wanted to apologize for everything. I got insecure when we were dating and you went cold. I figured you saw me as just another nice guy so I tried to act assertive because I thought we still had a shot. Instead I just came across as a jerk. I know you don't owe me anything and I feel particularly bad that I acted like I did when all you wanted was to establish good terms. I hope we can move forward and put this behind us! If not, I just want to say I’m sorry.

 

I'm going to give it some time to settle and send it around Christmas.

 

any suggestions?

[NJtoDC]

Pretty strait forward...I pulled a dck move on a nice girl & now I feel guilty.

 

Hey, I wanted to apologize for everything. I got insecure when we were dating and you went cold. I figured you saw me as just another nice guy so I tried to act assertive because I thought we still had a shot. Instead I just came across as a jerk. I know you don't owe me anything and I feel particularly bad that I acted like I did when all you wanted was to establish good terms. I hope we can move forward and put this behind us! If not, I just want to say I’m sorry.

 

I'm going to give it some time to settle and send it around Christmas.

 

any suggestions?

 

 

From what you said she friendzoned you, was that your perception or did you have a conversation about that? You tried the 'just friends' thing and it wasn't to your liking. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

So you stop initiating and three months go by without further communication from her. She texts to make sure you guys are 'on good terms', I imagine because you faded when she wanted just a buddy.

 

There was nothing wrong with your walking away the first time, there's nothing wrong with you still not being interested in a 'friendship' with a girl you have romantic interest in.

 

I still don't get what the d1ick move was. For some reason you already apologized once for honestly expressing your wishes. Why do it again? To get a response from her? I know it's hard to leave things unsaid but what do you hope to accomplish with a second unnecessary apology?

[Jame22]

I still don't get what the d1ick move was. For some reason you already apologized once for honestly expressing your wishes. Why do it again? To get a response from her? I know it's hard to leave things unsaid but what do you hope to accomplish with a second unnecessary apology?

 

Dck move?

 

Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!

 

We have a couple friends in common so I don't want to make things awkward if I ever have to see her again.

[bnh]

Are you the guy that sent all those texts before?

 

If so, step away from the pen/paper/email.

 

Could be getting into the territory of looking unhinged.

[Jame22]

Are you the guy that sent all those texts before?

 

pretty sure that's not me. I've texted her twice in the past 3 months

[NJtoDC]

Dck move?

 

Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!

 

We have a couple friends in common so I don't want to make things awkward if I ever have to see her again.

 

Ya, I get what you are referring to as a dck move but I don't think it actually was. I think maybe you are having an emotional reaction to her lack of reply and blocking you on FB. If she said "ok, best wishes" I don't think you would feeling bad right now, would you? You were perfectly reasonable. There is nothing to smooth over and further apologizes will make this more awkward.

 

You started to back peddle after she blocked you. You went from a clear message (we're cool, but I'm not looking for just friends- let me know if I can take you out sometime) to a more more ambiguous one (give me some time, I don't want you out of my life) when you interpreted her reaction to the first message.

 

I think the first apology was unnecessary and possibly more a cause of awkwardness than how it was before you sent it. It suggests you said something wrong, it suggests she is upset with you which you don't know (she could just be trying to respect your wishes without ill feelings), and I don't see a benefit in further unnecessary apologizes.

 

Are you trying to get her to speak to you, is that the point? What outcome do you hope for by beating a dead horse? Don't you think this will in fact make things MORE awkward if you run into each other socially.

[Jame22]

Are you trying to get her to speak to you, is that the point? What outcome do you hope for by beating a dead horse? Don't you think this will in fact make things MORE awkward if you run into each other socially.

 

I think you're right. I really have nothing to gain by talking to her. I guess I'm a little butt hurt that she didn't say something along the lines of "It's okay. I understand."

 

I hated being the friendly good guy, Now feel guilty being the bad guy. I just don't know what to think. But like you said before beating the dead horse will get me know where.

 

However, I'm chronically indecisive. In 10 minutes someone could come on here and completely alter my train of thought.

Edited November 24, 2013 by Jame22

[NJtoDC]

I think you're right. I really have nothing to gain by talking to her. I guess I'm a little butt hurt that she didn't say something along the lines of "It's okay. I understand."

 

I hated being the friendly good guy, Now feel guilty being the bad guy. I just don't know what to think. But like you said before beating the dead horse will get me know where.

 

However, I'm chronically indecisive. In 10 minutes someone could come on here and completely alter my train of thought.

 

I can see this from the last thread. You asked for advice about the first apology and while you were getting a lot of "don't do it!" you went ahead and did it. It's your right, it's your life- but if you felt a bit foolish after you did it and it didn't solicit a response from her (which I think consciously or subconsciously was the intent) I would hope you'd weigh input that sounds reasonable to you more before acting.

 

Question for you that may sound out of left field but this sounds a little like me at times: Do you think the impulsiveness of needing to reply could be related to some kind of anxiety issues? I know I have struggled with worries of what the other person things, let myself get worked up and anxious and feel overwhelmed with my emotions and feel the need to dump those feelings somehow.

 

Could your need for (false) absolution from the girl be an attempt to cope with anxiety related to needing people to like you? For an anxious person it can be difficult having friction, even if it's just natural friction, between us and others.

[devilish innocent]

I don't think that previous note you sent her was rude. It just sounded as though you were hung up on her and couldn't handle being friends. You gave the impression that you needed no contact, so she's giving you no contact. Just try to let it go and forget about it.

[Jame22]

I can see this from the last thread. You asked for advice about the first apology and while you were getting a lot of "don't do it!" you went ahead and did it. It's your right, it's your life- but if you felt a bit foolish after you did it and it didn't solicit a response from her (which I think consciously or subconsciously was the intent) I would hope you'd weigh input that sounds reasonable to you more before acting.

 

Question for you that may sound out of left field but this sounds a little like me at times: Do you think the impulsiveness of needing to reply could be related to some kind of anxiety issues? I know I have struggled with worries of what the other person things, let myself get worked up and anxious and feel overwhelmed with my emotions and feel the need to dump those feelings somehow.

 

Could your need for (false) absolution from the girl be an attempt to cope with anxiety related to needing people to like you? For an anxious person it can be difficult having friction, even if it's just natural friction, between us and others.

 

I know I have issues and social anxiety is certainly one of them.

 

She opened up to me (right before she dumped me) which made it even worse. The last time I tried to ask her out she responded to my text with; "you act like you're not interested." I translated this to "try harder." When I went to talk to her about it I told her how much I liked her and that I was moving slow because I was shy. She told me that she had issues and had been sexually abused in the past. The next day she messaged me to tell me that she needed time to work on her issues and only wanted a friendship. I thought we still had a chance for a while and I didn't know what to think...I mean you don't call a person out for not being interested if you don't want them romantically. I stopped initiating contact and I was doing really well and pretty much over her. When she finally reached out to me again some of the the anxiety and bitterness came back.

 

opening up about her sexual abuse right before the dump was rude. I believe her when she says she has issues and respect her decision, but she could of just told me she wasn't interested.... If you're going to tell a guy something like that at least give him a chance. She had a short term BF a month later. (they only lasted a month) Overall it was very dishonest.

 

I wish I could of dropped her the first time she flaked. I just couldn't let it go and the hole got pretty deep. I'm certainly learning. I'm going to have to walk away from this no matter how difficult it gets!

 

Felt good to write that

[MalachiX]

Hey Jamie,

 

First of all, stop beating yourself up. These forums can kick your ass and will get your doubting yourself like crazy. I certainly never meant to bully you into my way of thinking. Part of being successful in relationships is confidence and you certainly need to learn to trust your own judgement.

 

What I said about your previous posts was because it sounded like you really hadn't been trusting yourself. It sounded like you had been trying to go with what online dating coaches tell you which often suggests that you try to act cool and aloof in an attempt to get a woman to chase you. I could be wrong but I instinct tells me you're not that guy and trying to be something your not probably isn't going to work.

 

You're worried that you're too nice but I want you to really start to look at all the nice guys you see with wonderful/sexy girlfriends. I see a lot of them. There was a time when this actually frustrated me because I often figured that I was too much of a nice guy (had been told that); and thus I needed to act edgier to attract more women.

 

I think what we often fail to realize is that many women aren't attracted to bad boys because they like jerks; they're just attracted to people who are assertive and direct. I've seem assertive nice guys who do very well for themselves. I've also seen some great women go for the more shy nice guys simply because those guys were sincere and genuine (though, sometimes they need to get hurt by a bad-boy before that happens).

 

I think the bottom line is that you need to start to figure out what kind of person you want to be. Sometimes it takes real confidence to be genuinely nice (rather than just being agreeable which is actually something different). I don't think there's anything wrong with apologizing in letter form (after a period of waiting); if you sincerely feel what you did was out of line. It takes a big man to own up to his screw-ups.

 

As for your letter, I personally would avoid using the term "going cold" and the line, "I figured I still had a shot." To my ear, it sounds a little like you're still passive agressively letting her know that you were angry about being friend zoned. Maybe you are and that's fine (I wasn't there when this happened); but I think you'll feel better if you just worry about yourself. That's really all you can do.

 

I don't blame women if they decide they just want to be friends or never give me a real chance afterwards. That's their business. The only thing I think is worth getting angry at is if someone misleads you or leads you on. If you think she did this then I understand your frustration. If not then maybe try to accept things and don't worry about when she went cold or not.

 

That said, this is all up to you. The most important thing is for you to start having faith in yourself and trying to be the best guy you can be. In general, try to trust the decisions you make based on confidence rather than the ones you make based on fear.

[todreaminblue]

However, I'm chronically indecisive. In 10 minutes someone could come on here and completely alter my train of thought.

 

 

dont believe you are chronically indecisive...i believe people should follow their own hearts i say it constantly on here or to ask the person they have the problem with to be honest and open blah bl;ah blah...no one listens..... love shack is a perspective site where you get to see problems in a myriad of perspectives mainly due to own personal experience and as you know some of those perspectives are really whack......

 

 

loveshack isnt about finding the answers its about sharing possibilities in my opinion and you get quite a broad spectrum of sharing...some make you laugh soem make you cry .....i think whatever you do ...it should come from you....i would never take advice from someone who doesn't know me personally......but i would ponder that advice and adjust it maybe to suit me ...take what i need that is true to me.....and discard the rest...you want to wait and send th letter ...do so ....do what feels right to you.....deb