Oversensitivity - am I justified or just being stupid?

[bnh]

I started dating a new guy, we met unexpectedly online, just from a music forum, and we really hit it off, we were sending loads of emails every day and we can talk for hours and hours on the phone.

 

We've seen each other about 8 times in total, and we always end up having sex. But it's long distance and we only see each other once every two weeks. This has caused me to have doubts, when we're together he makes me happy and I want to make it work, but when we're apart the doubts creep back in; I wonder if this really counts as a relationship seeing someone so infrequently, and other stuff along those lines. If I were to be really honest with myself this situation isn't making me feel very happy and I know that he likes me more than I like him.

 

We were talking on the phone last night, all sorts of conversation topics, when he starts saying randomly which famous people he finds really attractive. And proceeds to say "I reeeeeeeally do like the look of... (it was Scarlett Johannson). Now obviously, everyone has celebrity crushes and I'm not any sort of psycho control freak or anything, everyone had people they find attractive, myself included....

 

But it was just the random way that he brought it up that got my back up, and then when he proceeded to say which celebrity, I got an awful sinking feeling in my stomach, because she is blonde with big tits and I'm a brunette with small tits. So I said to him, do you mind if we don't continue this talk, it's not making me feel too good. And I said I know it's not rational, and I'm probably just being oversensitive. I know I can be oversensitive and I hurt easily but this is the way I've always been. He was very apologetic, I could tell he was upset that he hurt me, and said he can be a big stupid oaf at times.

 

Now I know I just need to put this out of my mind, but today I just feel down and rubbish, like it's taken a chunk out of my self esteem and I need a bit of time to lick my wounds. I thought when I woke up and had slept on it, I would just think, oh don't be daft girl, it's you he's with and everyone has celebrity crushes, but when I woke up I felt worse about it. He sent me a text this morning saying he wishes he was there to kiss me and hold me as we wake up, and I just felt like 'piss off' and deleted it from my phone.

 

I think it's because the problem with long-distance relationships is that they cause doubts in people's minds and I feel like this has added to my doubts. It's not that he fancies Scarlett Johannsen, it's the fact that she looks nothing like me, and it just makes me unhappy that maybe how I look is not what really floats his boat. Everyone deserves to feel like they're beautiful and No.1 to their partner.

 

Am I just being an oversensitive delicate stupid little flower that needs to get a grip, or do you think my feelings are justified?

 

I just wish he hadn't planted this blonde, big tits thing in my mind. No way would I have said anything like that to him. Maybe if he'd said it way down the line when we'd established a relationship, I would have been able to brush it off and laugh about it, maybe tell him who my crushes are, but saying it this early on, I just feel like he's spoiled it. I did at one time have quite low self esteem and have made very good progress with building it back up to a healthy level, but I guess there's still work to be done.

Edited November 24, 2013 by bnh
typo's

[KathyM]

I think it was insensitive for him to rave about other women's looks to you. But with that said, it doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. Men can be attracted to several different looks on women. He probably would be attracted to that beautiful petite brunette in Black Swan as well (can't think of her name right now).

 

On another note, the long distance relationship, and only seeing each other twice a month, is probably what is also fueling your insecurities, which is understandable. You may not be cut out for that type of relationship. Many people aren't. Maybe it's time to end it, if it's causing you to feel this way.

[Survivor12]

If he really wanted a gift with blonde hair & big boobs, there are plenty around besides Scarlet---but instead, he chose YOU. Just because he appreciates her appearance doesn't mean that he isn't attracted to you. On the contrary, it proves that what he sees in you is more important to him.

 

Think about it, how would you feel if you DID have those "attributes" and he said what he did? THEN, you would have reason to feel as though he was making a comparison.

[BlametheIrish]

I agree with what the above poster said, you are being overly sensitive. But if it makes you feel any better, she got her implants removed so her breasts are pretty normal sized now, and she dyes her hair that pretty blonde color. Its naturally dirty blonde. Had to look it up.as I always assumed she had fake ones. Shes been rumored to have a nose job too.

[bnh]

Thank you for the replies, food for thought, I really do appreciate it. (BlameTheIrish, that did cheer me up a bit. )

 

I've got major urges to phone him and end it right now. I'm not sure what to do, I guess I shouldn't be too hasty.

[Lokie]

bnh, I am wrestling with this very same thing. I've had more than one person tell me I am "too sensitive." I have worked on letting things go more and having a tougher skin. However, that sensitivity has a positive side too that people love about people like us. We are kind, empathetic, inclusive and warm. It's that sensitivity that makes us great friends and partners. I also am beginning to listen more strongly to that sensitivity - that gut feeling - because sometimes it is not something to brush off, but a very strong warning.

 

I'm almost ready to tell people who think I am "too sensitive" to f**k off and see if they think that's insensitive enough. ;-)

[Versacehottie]

I vote that you are being too sensitive. How do you know that he is not responding to the demeanor scarlett usually has in the roles she plays--which brunette or blond, small or big chest, could be the same thing he responds to in you. Needless to say, if it is her looks, well most guys definitely like VARIETY, as well as scarlett herself so there is no big surprise here. It is just a celebrity crush list. I'm sure you have your own If I could count the number of times, people end up with someone that doesn't look or seem like their ideal, yet is exactly what they recognize they should be with. Don't sell yourself short. So far your guy sounds great. I guess the only real issue is for you to decide if doing a long distance relationship is worth it to you. They aren't easy. Good luck.

[BlametheIrish]

Btw my bf prefers blondes too and I prefer taller men. My hair is almost pitch black and he is 5'9 (quite short in my book). But we both find eachother to be incredibly attractive. Because both of us dont have some strict vision of what is beautiful. My biggest celebritu crush is Edeard Norton, my bf thinks Im crazy for this but he doesn't love me any less because of it. I think you're more insecure than you are sensitive. Insecurities can be a real.damper on relationships. As for your boyfriend, he should know alot of women wouldnt appreciate his comment, especially bringing it up randomly like that. Does he have alot of relationship.experience?

 

One more thing. Some peole arent cut out fir long distance relationships. I know Im not, and it sounds like you might not be either. Thats a solid reason to.break up. Not the stupid celebrity comment he made, unless he keeps saying stuff like that on a regular basis.

 

And to Lokie telling peole to f off would make you seem.even more sensitive as it would come off in an emotional way.

[bnh]

To answer the q - yes, he's inexperienced, never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few weeks.

 

Versacehottie, I don't think the long distance thing is for me.

 

I just got off the phone to him, I actually really wanted to finish it, but he said he's been working hard all day and I didn't have the heart to.

 

The thing is, there are more problems beside the celebrity thing, he has the most ridiculous lateness I've ever known, basically there have been several weekends where he's messed me around (rescheduling plans causing me to waste my free time) and upset me. Although I met one of his friends who said he regularly lets everyone down with ridiculous scattiness, so it's nothing personal against me, though it's still highly annoying. But me and him had a talk about that stuff and worked it through.

 

But I think I've reached that stage now where this is just not making me happy. When I think of him, I think of someone who has made me feel bad one too many times.

 

The Scarlett celebrity stuff is seeming to me like the final straw. It's a shame and sad, cos when we're just alone we're really happy together. I don't know.

 

Many thanks again for the replies, really helped to get it off my chest and see other viewpoints.

Edited November 24, 2013 by bnh

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I started dating a new guy, we met unexpectedly online, just from a music forum, and we really hit it off, we were sending loads of emails every day and we can talk for hours and hours on the phone.

 

We've seen each other about 8 times in total, and we always end up having sex. But it's long distance and we only see each other once every two weeks. This has caused me to have doubts, when we're together he makes me happy and I want to make it work, but when we're apart the doubts creep back in; I wonder if this really counts as a relationship seeing someone so infrequently, and other stuff along those lines. If I were to be really honest with myself this situation isn't making me feel very happy and I know that he likes me more than I like him.

 

We were talking on the phone last night, all sorts of conversation topics, when he starts saying randomly which famous people he finds really attractive. And proceeds to say "I reeeeeeeally do like the look of... (it was Scarlett Johannson). Now obviously, everyone has celebrity crushes and I'm not any sort of psycho control freak or anything, everyone had people they find attractive, myself included....

 

But it was just the random way that he brought it up that got my back up, and then when he proceeded to say which celebrity, I got an awful sinking feeling in my stomach, because she is blonde with big tits and I'm a brunette with small tits. So I said to him, do you mind if we don't continue this talk, it's not making me feel too good. And I said I know it's not rational, and I'm probably just being oversensitive. I know I can be oversensitive and I hurt easily but this is the way I've always been. He was very apologetic, I could tell he was upset that he hurt me, and said he can be a big stupid oaf at times.

 

Now I know I just need to put this out of my mind, but today I just feel down and rubbish, like it's taken a chunk out of my self esteem and I need a bit of time to lick my wounds. I thought when I woke up and had slept on it, I would just think, oh don't be daft girl, it's you he's with and everyone has celebrity crushes, but when I woke up I felt worse about it. He sent me a text this morning saying he wishes he was there to kiss me and hold me as we wake up, and I just felt like 'piss off' and deleted it from my phone.

 

I think it's because the problem with long-distance relationships is that they cause doubts in people's minds and I feel like this has added to my doubts. It's not that he fancies Scarlett Johannsen, it's the fact that she looks nothing like me, and it just makes me unhappy that maybe how I look is not what really floats his boat. Everyone deserves to feel like they're beautiful and No.1 to their partner.

 

Am I just being an oversensitive delicate stupid little flower that needs to get a grip, or do you think my feelings are justified?

 

I just wish he hadn't planted this blonde, big tits thing in my mind. No way would I have said anything like that to him. Maybe if he'd said it way down the line when we'd established a relationship, I would have been able to brush it off and laugh about it, maybe tell him who my crushes are, but saying it this early on, I just feel like he's spoiled it. I did at one time have quite low self esteem and have made very good progress with building it back up to a healthy level, but I guess there's still work to be done.

 

 

Hi,

 

Your words are so far around the corner from fair and sensible that they've actually come far enough around (think: the earth) to where I like your post.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I guess it falls within normalcy that a woman might be inspired (is a good word) to think as you do.

 

First of all, if talking for "hours and hours on the phone"... random subjects are going to come up... and it is very fair that (anything akin to) celebrity crushes/admiration is among them.

 

IF it is so 'obvious' to you that everybody has celebrity crushes, then Scarlett Johannson is at the center of being very fair among them.

 

Had you been a guy, in a similar conversation, you would have gained so much from the chance to calibrate how your partner views the world (lets call it)... that you never would have thought to compare yourself to, say, George Clooney, or whoever.

 

This is a case of your 'oversensitivity' hurting you.

 

The details you offer, about your online-begun relationship, make perfect sense, and fit nicely in the context of two people hitting it off.

 

I'd be a little surprised if I were to learn that you have dated lots and lots of guys, and some of your seeming unease could be applied to any and all relationships, begun in any fashion.

 

In guy speak: you took a sample-size of ONE, and somehow drew conclusions when you didn't have enough data to even take the conclusion that you drew, let alone other conclusions.

 

 

 

 

Your post here assures that you have adorable vulnerability, but the whole (goal, really) in relationships is to share it with your partner, and not use it, within yourself, to reason your way out of (ever dating again).

 

And "heeeeeeeeeeeeeee" didn't plant the "blonde with big tits" thing in your mind, youuuuuuuuuuuuu did that.

 

 

There are a lot of posts on Loveshack dealing with "saying it this early on, I just feel like he's spoiled it"... but none of those have to do with celebrity crushes.

 

 

As I hinted earlier, I can tell by this post that youuuuuuuuu have adorable vulnerability within you... (and that it has, and will continue to be a challenge to bring it out and share it in the way that builds the most effective bonds with romantic partners)

 

 

The fact that you bonded with him while each interacting in a place online which suggests a shared passion, was a great beginning. Seeing each other every two weeks is a lot more steady than can be said about most long-distance relationships.

 

Not only that, but I forgot to add that you were very effective in expressing a point beyond which a (random) conversation topic was making you uncomfortable and you expressed yourself directly. I wholly approve of your having expressed that, rather than let it snowball into something more. So you showed A sign of personal comfort there, in reporting to this person close to you just how you were feeling at the time.

 

It's just that, in most relationships, people are allowed to contemplate outwardly distant celebrities while even stepping over traditional 'boundaries' relating to physical attraction/appeal as perceived in others.

 

 

 

 

The whole idea is to express yourselves rather fully toward one another, and to eventually become very secure and content both with the other's self-expression and with your own vulnerability TO them as expressed by you.

 

You have and exhibit here so many of the right components... but "big tits" simply is not one of the components with which you need to concern yourself, NOR is it a prerequisite!!

[bnh]

Hi,

 

Your words are so far around the corner from fair and sensible that they've actually come far enough around (think: the earth) to where I like your post.

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I guess it falls within normalcy that a woman might be inspired (is a good word) to think as you do.

 

First of all, if talking for "hours and hours on the phone"... random subjects are going to come up... and it is very fair that (anything akin to) celebrity crushes/admiration is among them.

 

IF it is so 'obvious' to you that everybody has celebrity crushes, then Scarlett Johannson is at the center of being very fair among them.

 

Had you been a guy, in a similar conversation, you would have gained so much from the chance to calibrate how your partner views the world (lets call it)... that you never would have thought to compare yourself to, say, George Clooney, or whoever.

 

This is a case of your 'oversensitivity' hurting you.

 

The details you offer, about your online-begun relationship, make perfect sense, and fit nicely in the context of two people hitting it off.

 

I'd be a little surprised if I were to learn that you have dated lots and lots of guys, and some of your seeming unease could be applied to any and all relationships, begun in any fashion.

 

In guy speak: you took a sample-size of ONE, and somehow drew conclusions when you didn't have enough data to even take the conclusion that you drew, let alone other conclusions.

 

 

 

 

Your post here assures that you have adorable vulnerability, but the whole (goal, really) in relationships is to share it with your partner, and not use it, within yourself, to reason your way out of (ever dating again).

 

And "heeeeeeeeeeeeeee" didn't plant the "blonde with big tits" thing in your mind, youuuuuuuuuuuuu did that.

 

 

There are a lot of posts on Loveshack dealing with "saying it this early on, I just feel like he's spoiled it"... but none of those have to do with celebrity crushes.

 

 

As I hinted earlier, I can tell by this post that youuuuuuuuu have adorable vulnerability within you... (and that it has, and will continue to be a challenge to bring it out and share it in the way that builds the most effective bonds with romantic partners)

 

 

The fact that you bonded with him while each interacting in a place online which suggests a shared passion, was a great beginning. Seeing each other every two weeks is a lot more steady than can be said about most long-distance relationships.

 

Not only that, but I forgot to add that you were very effective in expressing a point beyond which a (random) conversation topic was making you uncomfortable and you expressed yourself directly. I wholly approve of your having expressed that, rather than let it snowball into something more. So you showed A sign of personal comfort there, in reporting to this person close to you just how you were feeling at the time.

 

It's just that, in most relationships, people are allowed to contemplate outwardly distant celebrities while even stepping over traditional 'boundaries' relating to physical attraction/appeal as perceived in others.

 

 

 

 

The whole idea is to express yourselves rather fully toward one another, and to eventually become very secure and content both with the other's self-expression and with your own vulnerability TO them as expressed by you.

 

You have and exhibit here so many of the right components... but "big tits" simply is not one of the components with which you need to concern yourself, NOR is it a prerequisite!!

 

Thank you so much.

 

I'm in a confuzzle today. I think I better give myself a couple of days to think about all this.