unsureupnorth Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 so i'll try and make it as easy to understand as possible.... my wife and I have been together for 11 years...married 5. she was 19 when we got together, I was 22. we relocated 3 years ago to where we are both from for my job. im now on shift work, never was before. in about the last 3 months shes been getting more distant and I would ask about it, nothings wrong was the reply. we recently decided to have kids. shes been under tons of stress at work, finishing her bachelors degree and just normal life stuff, nothing too serious. ill preface this by saying, I know my wife and totally trust and believe her, she would not cheat, anyone will say that who knows her. so a month ago or so she says shes got a lot going on in her head she is unsure about and just "isn't happy", with life: work, school, what she wants anymore, us, the whole thing. not mad, just unsure what she wants anymore. she needs her "independence" as she put it cause she never has had it. so we talk for awhile, about some of it, she says she is going to talk to her parents over thanksgiving before she makes up her mind ( I have to work and cant go) because she just needs someone to talk to. well she has been going out every Friday with work friends for about 4 weeks now, and I know ALL these people, where she is, she calls and texts to say hi and stuff so I could check up if I really wanted to. so im not worried about an affair. she tells me yesterday she still loves me, just not the way she did and not sure If she can again, we have talked about counseling, but again, she wants to talk with her parents first, and we get along great. we still sleep together, talk, are fine, she just is "unsure" anymore. she has become less intimate and a little withdrawn, but says she doesn't want to hurt me or her more if she decides NOT to stay with me. gives me a kiss goodbye every morning, holds me at night, perfectly normal. other than just "falling out of love" I will call it. says its been this way for awhile, just didn't want to admit it to herself. sorry I kinda rambled on, bad grammer, punctuation and such, im just sooo confused and am wondering what peoples thoughts are..... is there any chance its just a "7 year itch thing" a little late is all, can she "fall" back in love with me and how do I convince her this CAN be overcome?!?!?! any input will be greatly appreciated...
Pretty.in.Pink Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 ...is there any chance its just a "7 year itch thing" a little late is all, can she "fall" back in love with me and how do I convince her this CAN be overcome?!?!?! any input will be greatly appreciated... Many possible reasons for her behavior (including an affair). You can't make someone fall in love with you or convince the person that a relationship with you is worthwhile. Attempting to do so will just drive her further away. Also, please don't bring children into the mix. It won't fix the marital crisis. Those plans need to go on hold. You have two options here IMO: marriage counseling (if both partners want to salvage the relationship) and/or separation. If I were in your shoes with a spouse who wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with me and who had told me she was no longer in love with me, I would tell her to stay with her parents rather than coming back if she wasn't 100% committed to working on whatever stumbling blocks she perceived in our marriage. I know it sounds harsh, and you probably don't want to ruin any possibility that she might ultimately fall back in love with you, but clinging unconditionally is generally counterproductive. Either she wants to work on your marriage or she doesn't. It takes two people contributing, not one person giving 200%, to have anything that will survive long-term. Make it clear that playing roommates who occasionally sleep together is unacceptable. You signed up for a more substantial relationship--marriage. I would also do a little digging surreptitiously to figure out whether or not she is indeed cheating. Almost no one expects infidelity or believes it will happen to them! If infidelity is the underlying problem, exposing it promptly is your best shot at saving your marriage.
d0nnivain Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Ask her if you can take her on a date. Do something romantic for her & encourage her to talk. Assure her that you will support her through following her dreams but remind her that you are living one of yours, being married to her. Emphasize that other than date other people, she can do anything she wants married as well as single. Show her how much you care: flowers, flirty texts, short love notes hidden around the house, etc.
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