Stuck in limbo with a commitment-phobe, mentally destroying me.

[ToThinkIs]

I'm so bad at short summaries but will try.

 

Moved to a new country three years ago. Had a bad break up a year after I got here with my ex from before moving here. Long distance got too bad.

 

Was destraught. Didn't date for a year. Met a local guy after several disappointing dates and fell in like/lust at first sight. Dated for nearly five months, exclusively, yet he refused to give it a "title" of boyfriend/girlfriend. He did acknowledge we were exclusive at the time.

 

He broke up with my three times in those five months for stupid reasons, we always got back together within 24 hours. The last time, however, I gave up. We didn't talk for two months, during which time I rebound-hooked-up with one or two guys out of sheer anger. I know he dated another girl for 3-ish weeks while we were broken up. She ditched him when she found out he's got no interest in being just with her and was talking to other girls. While he and I dated he was much more "monogamous". He flirted with other girls but never made any approach to them.

 

He and I re-established communication a month ago. Decided to be "friends with benefits", which I interpet as an emotionless sexual arrangement, but he (despite CONSTANTLY reminding me "we aren't dating") acts very affectionate and caring and "boyfriendy" when he's with me-- to the point that he actually REFUSED to have sex one night because he wanted to "prove to" me that he likes to hang out with me because he likes me, and not just to have sex with me. He usually hang out at one of our houses, do regular things like watch movies, talk, whatever. I am VERY mum about my feelings-- I do not tell him how I feel about him. He knows I care about him but that is the extent of what i verbally tell him.

 

He, on the other hand, despite constantly telling me how he is incapable of being in a relationship, reminding me are "not dating", etc....constantly tells me wonderful things about me. How I am the only girl that has understood him in ten years, that I'm one of the few people on earth he trusts, that I listen, that I'm one of the smartest people he's ever met, that he likes this and that and a million other things about me. I'm essentially almost his perfect woman.

 

And yet....he continues to ride this undeniable dear of comittment. He calls it a fear of intimacy, but in reality he is very good at being intimate, conversationally emotional, and affectionate. What he fears is that "prison" he seems to view relationships. He thinks all women seem to change after becoming comfortable in the security of a title. He's convinced he is simply incapable of being in a relationship. I know he flirts with other girls, but despite our openness about the fact that we are both allowed to date other people, I know that I have not really pursued other men (though I have plenty of options), and I am fairly certain he has gone out on one or two meaningless dates. He always comes back to me. He tells me I feel "like home."

 

And yet....I cannot for the life of me get him to try having an official relationship. He tells me his last long-term relationship (mind you, it ended ten years ago) scarred him. Granted-- she cheated on him with two of his best friends and god knows what else. He also has some serious mommy-issues (they did not have a good relationship ....he's never really told me why....only said that she was a really bad, uncaring mother), and he admits this has also skewed his vision of relationships and women. He consistently brings up the ex and his mother, and cites himself as "damaged goods", unworthy of a relationship, and yet unwilling to try to make one work when he admits that I am wonderful in every way, have never given him any indication I'd hurt him, and in fact he has been involved with me longer than any other girl he's known in almost a decade. Out of the last 8 months, we've been involved in one way or another for about 6.5 of them, barring those few weeks we didnt speak after our last break up and when he casually dated one or two other women. He has admitted that he likes the idea of a girlfriend in all ways except for the responsibility of someone elses's emotions/life on a higher level. He likes being with me, for example, but doesn't want to feel guilty if I get pissed because he misses a dinner I make with friends. He wants the caring and the interaction, without the obligations. Essentially, he wants a girlfriend totally on his terms without the committment of one. Sometimes I think I have him almost convinced that he should not take for granted his supposed love and feelings for me, and then at the end of the day he still convinces himself that he is terrified of being with one person for the reasons I've otherwise stated.

 

I am at a loss what to do. I love him, though I have never told him this. He , on the other hand, has let it slip out before that he loves me. I've tried reasoning, gentle persuasion, being patient. I keep thinking if I stick around long enough he'll realise he has a good thing and will give an official relationship an actual try, but this situation is killing me a little bit emotionally. I am in grad school and I lose all focus thinking about this sometimes, especially when Im paranoid he might be out with some girl somewhere, even though he's probably not. But it makes me neurotic wondering.

 

When I am with him it is wonderful, but when I am not I am distraught, constantly thinking he might be out on a date with someone else, though generally he is not, he still technically can and I know he has at least a couple times. He's generally very honest with me about this. He has NOT slept with anyone else. I have made it clear that if he wishes to have sex with a new person, that he and I can no longer be physically intimate because I don't find it hygienic/safe, and it's just plain not a pleasant idea for me. I am fairly confident he would not lie to me if he slept with someone else.

 

I'm sure there are more details I can put in but maybe I'll add later, or if anyone needs a clarification on anything. This is getting long enough. I dont know what to do....how long to wait, if i should keep being patient. I wish I could hear from some guys out there who this guy reminds them of them at some point, or some women who have dealt with men like this, and if there is any hope for him and me.

Edited November 24, 2013 by ToThinkIs

[Grumpybutfun]

TTI:

This seems pretty straight forward to me. He is an affectionate man and you two used to date. However, he broke up with you because he doesn't want to commit, and you do. He probably does feel something for you, but he isn't emotionally mature enough yet, or he doesn't know what he wants enough yet to actually be more than FWB.

The sad thing to me about this is that you are pretending to want a FWB relationship while denying what you feel, and this will only end poorly for you. You don't change a man's mind about long term commitments by being his orifice for sex (sorry to be crude but that is what it is) and yet you want to be a relationship girl with him. You are debasing and degrading your feelings by being a sex hook-up for him. I think it was long enough as soon as you realized he is emotionally not ready for you.

Move on,

Grumps

 

p.s. Please concentrate on your studies as Grad school isn't easy, and try not to focus on this drama when it is not going to add a thing to your future.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP sweetie, never ever pretend that you want FWB/casual when you want more. You will look back one day and regret wasting time and emotion on him.

 

You need to go complete NC and move on.

[RedRobin]

Was destraught. Didn't date for a year. Met a local guy after several disappointing dates and fell in like/lust at first sight. Dated for nearly five months, exclusively, yet he refused to give it a "title" of boyfriend/girlfriend. He did acknowledge we were exclusive at the time..

 

this was the important take-away from your original post... and that he broke up with you. It's over.

 

You were distraught, felt lonely, and an attractive man came by that you thought you could somehow convince to be in a relationship if you just (fill in the blank).

 

Here's the thing... My experience is that it doesn't take anyone who is looking for a relationship more than a couple of months, max, to decide if they want to be in a relationship with YOU.

 

The important thing is not to let your loneliness and desire for a relationship cloud your judgement. I bet if you were really honest with yourself, you'd acknowledge this guy wasn't the be-all-end-all either, right? Think about it.

 

My advice is to get out and meet people... join some activity groups... get some hobbies.... oh, and yes, focus on your most important priorities at hand... (grad school).

 

If you are determined to date, try to find out in advance how the men who cross your path treat other women AND MOST IMPORTANTLY if they are sincerely looking for a committed monogamous relationship and have a history of doing so.

 

Don't bother with the fun-time guys who need to flit from flower to flower sampling the goods. Big waste of your time. Not worth competing for. Seriously. Some of those will settle down eventually, but who cares? You've got your own life to live.

[ToThinkIs]

Thanks for the responses so far. I'm not sure he's using me just for sex, as to be honest like I said in my post there have been times he's been the one to try to invite me over just for hanging out platonically to , per his words, prove to me he likes just being with me and isn't just using me for sex.

 

In fact, I am generally much more sexually aggressive than he is.

 

I think that is why I am confused. I tried to talk to him last night and ask why does he even bother to keep hanging out with me if it isnt just a sex thing, because he could just sporadically go out with other women and get that. I suppose in some ways he likes the emotional fix he gets from me too.

 

In either event I suppose he is "using" me, whether it be physically or emotionally or both.

 

He's in his late 30's....far too late to be flitting about flower to flower. I think I keep hoping he'll come to his senses about what is right in front of him but maybe Im being stupid and naive that a man can ever really change. The last long-term relationship he had was five years, ended nearly ten years ago, and whatever happened at the time and whatever nonsense with his mother-issues he claims to have, have in the last decade made him totally anti-committment, despite his obvious desire to be affectionate and have someone be intimate with him all the time. He freaks out everytime he realises he's getting too close to someone. He's been over at three months with almost every girl in the past ten years but me....somehow Im still around and I wonder if its possible im the only girl in ten years whose bothered to put up with his nonsense this long and that's the only reason, rather than me somehow being "special" at all.

 

I guess I was really, really hoping it was the latter, seeing as how the former pretty much just makes me the weakest girl to date him in ten years :-(

[NJtoDC]

If you lay your emotions aside and think this though- it is quite simple. You want a relationship and he is avoiding it like the plague. Time to move on. Value yourself enough to not settle for less than you want. You can find a loving, caring, commitment minded man. Don't continue to hold out for less.

[forgetmenot75]

He tells you what you want to hear. He knows you care for him, yet he uses you. He flirts with other women, and he probably sleeps with them. He is emotionally unavailable with you and this will not change. Never.

Please, get out of this madness. It'll destroy you otherwise.

Read my threads and you'll see I've dated a guy like him for. 10 months. A player.

Go no contact and regain your self esteem. He'll never commit to you. I'm sorry

[Versacehottie]

i would add that he is getting all benefits of having a girlfriend (it's much more than the physical part) without having the responsibility of being a boyfriend. This all probably adds to your distress. In your heart you know you deserve more. You won't get it by sticking around. Break it off for real. He'll either ante up or there will be a chance for someone else in your life. If you stay there, it's going to continue hurting your self-esteem and you may actually believe that very little is good enough. If the relationship that messed him up (supposedly) was 10+ years ago, he is old enough to know better. I tend to think commitment phobes use messed up relationships as the excuse to not step up to the plate---and then all of sudden they do when the "right" girl is there. The "right" girl is no more right than you are. She will just demand more of him. And by demand, I don't mean talking. With actions. He may never be the type to step up to the plate--some people are like that--and then also breaking it off is the solution--to avoid a permanently messed up person. But you will never find out by letting him have his way. If you break it off, you have a chance to get what you want, with him or someone else. Good luck.

[loveacp]

Ive been going through the exact same turmoil as you for the past 20 mths. I love my cp boyfriend to death and have not come to terms with the possibility of losing him for good. I walk on egg shells when Im not with him but perfectly happy when I am. Anytime I mention a serious relationship he pulls back with Im a commitment phobic, not sure if ill ever get married, I get stressed and feel claustrophobic when we spend too much time together etc.. but other times hes a doting loving person who makes me feel special.. I know this is an unhealthy relationship but I cant seem to break free from him. Im just as confused as you are and I pray everyday and all day that maybe just maybe he'll see the light and change.

[NoMoreJerks]

OK, so he's not just after sex. He wants companionship too. Great. So, what's new? You're his friend with benefits. Friends are companions too. And the benefit is companionship and sex. Sometimes both. Sometimes just companionship. The question is: is this what you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life on , or pining for, a man like this, where he denies to everyone that you two are even together? You really think you can't do better than to waste your life on some guy who isn't ready to commit to spending his with you?

 

Girl, wake up. I want to shake you and you're the second person in the past 5 minutes I want to shake because you two are trying to figure out how to win over someone who does not want to be won over.

 

Tough love, but.. wake up and smell the coffee. You need to leave this guy, stat. Unless you want to end up being a wrinkly 70 year old with nothing to show for your life, because you pined over some guy who didn't even give a sh*t about you.

Edited December 9, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Adele0908]

I can tell you exactly what the problem MIGHT be. But you need to be real enough with yourself to hear it.

 

You're not REAL. You're not real with him. If you were, You would have told him EXACTLY how you felt. Yet you hold back, out of fear. You hold back, so he holds back. You THINK you love him. But your actions actually show otherwise. You have DOUBTS about him, otherwise you would have let your feelings show. You have doubts about him, so he has doubts about you. (remember that people are our mirrors, especially in relationships)

 

You need to be honest with yourself. Do you REALLY like him, or do you just want a relationship? Do you just want to be the girl that's "different" than the rest? are you just thinking about settling down? Is the sex just good?

 

I suggest you take some time away from him, not to put pressure on HIM, but to take time and see if you REALLY ACTUALLY miss him when he is gone.

 

I had a VERY similar situation, and after a year of just being casual with this guy, I had to take a step back and really be real with MYSELF. Was I head over heels? Did I really like him or was the sex just good? Could I truly see myself with this person?

 

I took two months away from the guy and realized I wasn't really in love. Getting him to commit had just become a goal, and I'm a goal-oriented person. So I can get fixated on "goals". he wasn't really right for me, anyway. There were things that I really didn't like about him. So taking a step back was necessary, and that included STOPPING the sex. It clouds a woman's mind, I don't care who you are.

 

Now when you love someone, you don't try to force them to do something that they don't want to do. You respect their free will. So if you really love him like you SAY you do, then you will stop trying to force a commitment from him. If you really love him, let him go and live his life and be happy. He doesn't owe you a commitment just because you guys are "kickin' it".

 

Let him go, and remind yourself that you are also letting him go so that you can clear your mind and see how you REALLY feel about him.

 

And also, so you know, he is not afraid of commitment. He just has not met a woman yet who is totally open and ALL IN with him. When he does, he will BECOME ready.

 

I hope you take this advice to heart (I've been there myself) and good luck.

[WhoreyBull]

Sorry for your situation.

I agree with what others have said, he isn't going to suddenly change.

I would move on, being in a fwb relationship with someone you like romanticly can hurt you.

If you want to play around, play around, but with the mentality that things will never be different from how they are now.

[gabgab]

It astounds me women want to date such losers. And you are in grad school- you arent young and naiive. Why are you wasting so much mental/emotional energy on this man?

 

Hes not that into you. Hes not that into you. Hes not that into you. He only wants you for your bod. If he didn't, he wouldn't be having a FWB with you. Maybe he thinks your companionship is okay, but really the sex is first and I don't believe anything you say otherwise.

stop listening to what he says and look at what he does. Words are nothing.

 

So you want to screw him while he goes on dates with others? Have fun when you experience heartache when he meets a woman he does want to commit to. Perhaps you should book an appointment with a mental health counselor and work on your self esteem, it sounds like you have none. Not trying to be mean, but you clearly need it.

Edited December 10, 2013 by gabgab

[Eternal Sunshine]

For any relationship to work, friendship or otherwise, both parties have to have their needs met. Obviously his are, yours aren't. Over time you will become more and more angry, frustrated and jaded. It won't end well.

[FnlyFrei]

I am in a similar situation. I guess what I do not understand about myself...is why I can't leave this person ? I know it isn't him, I am intelligent, and I know when someone says "I never want to be married or live with someone else"...they mean it. Is it the challenge ? If this person were to actually turn around and open up their heart/life...to you, would you actually really want THEM? Or, are you there because you yourself have a deep anxiety about commitment ? And is it just comfortable to have something, rather than nothing? Maybe.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am in a similar situation. I guess what I do not understand about myself...is why I can't leave this person ? I know it isn't him, I am intelligent, and I know when someone says "I never want to be married or live with someone else"...they mean it. Is it the challenge ? If this person were to actually turn around and open up their heart/life...to you, would you actually really want THEM? Or, are you there because you yourself have a deep anxiety about commitment ? And is it just comfortable to have something, rather than nothing? Maybe.

 

It's always more about yourself than it is about the other person.

[fujidabruin]

I am in a similar situation. I guess what I do not understand about myself...is why I can't leave this person ? I know it isn't him, I am intelligent, and I know when someone says "I never want to be married or live with someone else"...they mean it. Is it the challenge ? If this person were to actually turn around and open up their heart/life...to you, would you actually really want THEM? Or, are you there because you yourself have a deep anxiety about commitment ? And is it just comfortable to have something, rather than nothing? Maybe.

 

Good that you know that you need to be responsible for your situation.

 

I was there as well about 8 months ago with a woman who spoke about loving me but was unable to commit. She was not insincere, she just had issues and she said so. I convinced myself that I could do an FWB and went into denial about what I truly wanted. Of course, it ended badly because we were not on the same page and only one person was being honest with themselves and it was not me.

 

So much like Eternal Sunshine has suggested, it is most important to focus on yourself, be honest, and go NC. It was hard to let go because I did not take control until NC was established..... after that I was able to break the attachment and separate from the emotions.

 

FrnyFrei you seem like an analyzer like me, but trust me it will do you little good to analyze the other person. Go NC and move forward.

 

Good Luck to the OP, you seem like you are realizing what is going on within