Letmeknow Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Who cares what she wants? The important thing here is that she doesn't want to be with you. She's playing with you, and her texts are very manipulative. Cut contact and get your life back, or continue doing your own head in analysing her every word - your choice. I agree. It sounds like she is using you for her own comfort because y'alls relationship was good an arguing never did occur. I would try and not talk to her at all. Don't respond to texts. Don't help her at work unless you absolutely have to. All that being said, if you love her and want to be with her then never quit fighting for her.
d0cholliday Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 The ex sent me a message asking if we could catch up, how i make sure i see her unhappy, about being annoyed and jealous i would talk to her mum over her. Said "i miss you as much as i hate to admit it because i know you don't and i know your loving life or whatever", asked if i'd deleted her number. And later "i just need to know what your thinking. I just don't get it and im going insane, please stop ignoring me. Please just talk". I told her that perhaps we could catch up one day but now wasn't the right time, and that i wasn't thinking anything i respected her decision and backed off and moved on with my life. Her reply to this was "thats not fair" and how i'll never be an acquaintance to her. Last week she sent this "I like it when you talk to me... I hate not being able to have a conversation with you. You don't realise that. and we had genuinely great conversations. I told her im not being interested in been her friend, and how she can have such conversations with her bf and how've being like that with all my gf's. She replied "I know. Still deciding how I feel about that" and "It's good I'm replaceable...", I mentioned that i'd been replaced and had accepted it and why she'd say such a thing. She replied with "Don't worry... Said it the wrong way and you took it differently to how I meant it.". I asked her why she was still deciding how she felt about me not wanting to be friends and she said "because i am". Then asked if i was involved with anyone and i said yes and she kept wanting to know if she knew them, and i just told her my personal life was none of her concern. The next day she sent me a message saying "Sorry about last night. Was very intrusive of me. I understand that I'm nothing more than a colleague. I apologise". What exactly does she want? Your story is a inspiration for me.... Stick to your plan, it's working, you are getting better every day, dont let her pull you and ruin all the work you did for yourself. I didn't get do you want her back or no, not sure... If you do want her back, make sure she is changed.... let her know that she needs to do a lot of work, and you are the one who has a heart to give her one more chance, but be good to her in that process, give her something to fight if you understand. Keep everything fun, cool, and lightly, a take it slow. Good Luck!
Author srmano Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) To be honest i started NC/LC for all the wrong reasons and thought she might miss me and come back all the typical stuff people tell themselves. Truth is of course she'd miss me we were very close. I guess getting away gave me a chance to do the things i wanted and just focus on myself, which to be honest i didn't do so much while i was with her, and in doing so i made myself happy. I told myself she wasn't going to see a miserable me so did the usual stuff, got in better shape (helped get my mind off her), new clothes, flirted with/had girls checking me out which got my confidence back. The one thing i've gotten out of this is im strong enough to make myself happy and don't need a girl in my life. She's being with him officially for just over two months now, yes she's throwing out breadcrumbs and obviously still cares about me alot, but in saying that she's still with him, so im not deluding myself and thinking she's coming back. In saying that she's a smart girl (doing med) and rides bikes while he's a chef at this suburban restaurant and walks to work because he doesn't have a license. I don't see things lasting in the long term for them as their incompatible he's a deadbeat and she's going places and will eventually get bored. In saying that im not expecting her to come back to me. Yes she stated that i was extremely different to her other bf's and sexually didn't think others would be as good, just before i cut contact doesn't mean she'll think she made a mistake. Ive accepted the break up and her new relationship, but im open to trying again with her if things change, but their are other girls out there. Im certainly not getting involved in her life while she's with him as much as she wants me too (im not making up for his short comings). Yes i still have moments occasionally where i have the urge to contact her, thankfully i stop myself. When i have to talk to her i smile, look at her in the eyes, am firm but also polite. The replies i've sent her, even if she's trying to guilt trip me i try to be as polite as possible. Im attempting to keep my distance, because her texts and things she says play on my mind, but trying to stay on good terms (no fighting when dating, so why now). Anyway sorry for my rambling, i do need to stop replying to her. Edited January 28, 2014 by srmano
Author srmano Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Update: Saw my ex briefly at work and had her ask me a for some help noticed her voice seemed a little down two days back. Today had a friend of mine text me saying when he'd asked her how the relationship was going, and she'd said she was single. I guess i was right and it was a rebound they were together for 9/10 weeks, im not saying that she wants to get back together with me though.
organizedchaos Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Update: Saw my ex briefly at work and had her ask me a for some help noticed her voice seemed a little down two days back. Today had a friend of mine text me saying when he'd asked her how the relationship was going, and she'd said she was single. I guess i was right and it was a rebound they were together for 9/10 weeks, im not saying that she wants to get back together with me though. She probably knew this relationship wouldn't last and was messing with you to keep you on the backburner. Now she knows she has no relationship or you to fall back on, so reality has sunk in. 1
Trep Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 She probably knew this relationship wouldn't last and was messing with you to keep you on the backburner. Now she knows she has no relationship or you to fall back on, so reality has sunk in. Exactly this. All the constant contact was to keep you on the backburner while she had fun with the new guy. However, you didn't play into her games and now she realises how much she screwed up. I honestly think it would be a mistake for you to take her back if she tries to get back with you. She may be smart (since she's a med student) but she doesn't sound particularly stable to me. She needs to sort her issues out.
somegoodman Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Hey srmano, you're actually doing really good in all of this. I'm not sure what it is you want, but this girl obviously isn't over you entirely. I actually think you're being a little too nice and understanding with her. Try to get angry at the situation. Remain polite, but don't concern yourself with her feelings. I think she might make a concerted effort to "win you back" soon. Up to you how you want to handle it when that time comes.
Author srmano Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 (edited) Exactly this. All the constant contact was to keep you on the backburner while she had fun with the new guy. However, you didn't play into her games and now she realises how much she screwed up. I honestly think it would be a mistake for you to take her back if she tries to get back with you. She may be smart (since she's a med student) but she doesn't sound particularly stable to me. She needs to sort her issues out. Trep, she is a few years younger than me, and to be honest she has always being a little to emotional (lack of self confidence) and quick to rush into things without standing back. Im not making excuses for her, i told her a few weeks back when she said she missed me that every decision has consequences. Her now ex was one of those guys who was happy being on the sidelines while she was with me, i have to much self respect and wasn't going to sit around. Im not going to take her back..now if she sorts out her issues, and genuinely is prepared to put the effort in i might consider it (in a couple of months time) lack of communication was our biggest issue i think. I don't plan on sweeping her off her feet while she's vulnerable like he did, she needs space to sort out herself. Hey srmano, you're actually doing really good in all of this. I'm not sure what it is you want, but this girl obviously isn't over you entirely. I actually think you're being a little too nice and understanding with her. Try to get angry at the situation. Remain polite, but don't concern yourself with her feelings. I think she might make a concerted effort to "win you back" soon. Up to you how you want to handle it when that time comes. I'm good at reading her emotions, i could sense in our interactions and the way she looked at me she still had feelings, didn't seem heads over heels for him and honestly looked miserable at times. Im not going to lie i'm not over her entirely either... but im strong enough to stop myself doing anything stupid. I've always been nice to my determent at times, i am more than capable of standing up for myself, like in this situation. I was angry for a week early on, but its hard, both of us are/were very careful to avoid saying anything that might come back to haunt us. Every interaction has being at times blunt but always polite, as if we saw each other potentially getting back together? Would have being easier if she was a bitch to me. Im hardly nonchalant so do care that she's upset, but when she went off with him i had to deal with it on my own so im not being her emotional crutch, it was her choice to date him. Edited February 8, 2014 by srmano
Author srmano Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 (edited) Another update i guess you could say. The ex sent me a message today asking me if i realise i will have to work with her does it kind of make me a little bit more miserable and if it was a hassle seeing her, i said i had no issue and asked what about her she said "no, i get nervous". Next she asked if i still have any feelings what so ever for her and how she wanted to ask before but didn't want to because she might regret asking. I asked her if she did, she said yes but she can't pinpoint why exactly, and doesn't know whether its because of what we had etc. Had her asking about why things didn't work and how her mother and her had talked about me and her, how we didn't fight. Also said " Look... I'm sorry... I truly am.. For essentially everything. I don't know if this will change anything between is us when I see you again but I hope it will" (assume been in her life/friends) I think she has a case of nostalgia more than anything, or expecting me to bring up the issue of getting back together (which im not). I just told her that she's not in the right frame of mind right now and she needs to sort herself out and its better she stays single as she shouldn't be in any relationship. It's highly likely that she might get back with him from what i know he's going all out trying to get her back and it would be easier for her. Edited February 12, 2014 by srmano
Author srmano Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 Well she's being telling me for the past week or so how she's never hurt anyone as much as me, and how it was a mistake, flirted a lot and brought up getting back together. I told her to stay single and sort herself our especially considering she said she had feelings for me the entire time with him, her sleeping with him is something, i knew would have happened but still hurts me. We've both admitted we are attracted to each other, but im not sure i want to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt again.
d0cholliday Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Wow man!!! I must say, congrats!!! You are quite strong. Good job. It seems you are not sure, and you don't know what you want. People say, look she's been with others before you, she'll be with others after you, and you need to accept that. And I agree, but it is damn hard to picture your ex with someone else. I could understand flirting, maybe even a kiss, but if I knew my ex is sleeping with someone else other than me, it would be a deal breaker for me. I could have been with others, and I choosed not to, cause I'm not ready, and still want my ex back. So if I can do it, she can do it. But then again, it depends on a person. You've been hurt before, and you'll get hurt again and again during your life. That's how it is, and you can do merly about it. I'm taking a huge risk, and I'm aware I can get hurt again big time, but I look at it from a different perspective. If I do get hurt, it will just show that she wasn't right for me. So I'm taking my chances. In the words of great Rocky Balboa: It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward Life isn't sunshine and flowers. If you get a lemon, make lemonade.... It is simple as that. I try to use everything life gives me as much as I can to benefit from it. If that means getting hurt again and again, at least I'll gain experience, and learn how to avoid it next time. You get the point... You told her what she needs to do for her own well being. She admitted she is attracted to you, but it seems she doesn't know what she wants. She saw that grass isn't greener out there, and she realised she made a mistake. Just stay positive, stay strong, have a lot of self-control, don't show her that she can bother you, or that her actions have any impact on you. It is like training a puppy... if a puppy does something wrong it gets punished in some form. So you punish her with not giving her much attention. If she does something good you reward her with attention and so on. It's up to you to decide what you want. If you want to be only friends with her, tell her things won't work out, and you can be only friends but you need more time and space, and when you are ready you will contact her. If you want to try again, also take some time, but tell her that she needs to show to you that she can be thrusted, and that she needs to respect you, then again take some time and space, and let her actions show what her intentions are. For an example. I told my ex that if we are going to reconcile that my opinion is that we need to spend more time together, and work out on rebuilding thrust. I've made my intentions clear, and that I'm doing all of this to try to reconcile, told her that if she were to be with someone else, that I will dissapear from her life. Also I told her that I won't push her, or come strong, that I'm willing to try again, but she has to do something, she has to do her part, if she wants to work things out. Even tough she dumped me, I screwed up. She is still cold towards me, especially over chat, and texts, but when we are together she can't hide her emotions that good. So we meet up casually, slowly moving forward. She is insecure about our future, has thrust issues, and I let her to do what's right when she is ready. We are going to our first date after BU tomorrow, and I'm feeling positive about it. I don't know if this helps you, but Good Luck, and keep in mind that no matter happens with your ex, everything will work out eventually for you. As I like to say, either we will live happy with our ex, or we will dodge the bullet of ending up in a messed up RS, and possibily a bad marriage.
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