Is it possible.......that what goes around, comes around?

[hit the floor]

Hi - I am totally new at this.... My common-law husband of 14 years left my on July 19, 2004. He has left me before, too many times to count -- but I knew this was different. I really fell apart this time....one day he tells me he loves me and the next he leaves.

 

He never came back for his belongings, he told me to throw them into the dump and eat the bill. As for our 13 year old daughter, he missed his first 3 or 4 visits and hasn't seen her since. I believe the last thing he said to her was "I am setting you free." Family Services was involved as she start to "cut" and her behaviors escalated. My daughter and I were assessed and told we were victims of abuse. Though he really never punched me, he verbally and emotionally destroyed me.

 

I found out a week before Christmas that he had been living with his co-worker since he left me (her husband caught them and she left her husband and he left me).

 

It seems that my emotions have run rampant. Though he has hurt me terribly, I have not been able to let him go. I had to start anti-depressant medication and seek private counselling as I was not coping. In fact, at my age I started to "cut". I "cut" my arms and legs.....I go into this strange panicky mode and I envision him with her and I have to let the pain out.

 

He has said so many things to me, they haunt me....."You're pretty on the outside, but ugly on the inside"...."You've only been a @!#$ to me"

 

I feel really stupid because up to the day he left I really in my heart thought he loved me. When we were intimate he made a lot of eye contact...he really fooled me. I feel like I can't rely on myself to trust people now.

 

I focus a lot on my daughter....she has changed so much. I try to support her and I never speak ill of him. She chooses to not call or write him. He tells everyone I am keeping them apart.

 

Since I found out about the affair, he no longer pays support. He is an independent truck driver who does not claim taxes (all under the table).

 

I have done a lot of reading to try to understand where I am....I have researched the concepts of abuse, codependency, alcoholism, etc. But the answers I seek are not in any books and I doubt I will ever get the answers I need because only he can give them to me. I would like to believe that what goes around comes around, but my therapist tells me this is unlikely and I cannot put value or happiness on external sources like him.

 

Each day is endured not enjoyed and I cannot figure out what is so tragically wrong with me that would make him do this. I have not and at this point cannot be with another person. I find myself missing him daily......crying daily......and cutting like a circus freak.

 

I know there is no magically timetable....and no white knight, blah, blah, blah..... but I truly feel lost and often pray for God or whatever to take me off this earth. My counsellor tells me that I have to just let go of the emotions....I don't understand how to do this. She tells me it is remarkably easy??

 

I wonder if he thinks of me......if he only focuses on the bad times......does he really believe the horrible things he has said about me......how can one person love you one day and hate you the next??????

 

And of course, is it possible that what goes around, comes around??????

[indigo_moon]

I am really sorry that you're going through this - you and your daughter. It sounds like you've been doing a lot to try and help yourself out of this but you're not there yet. This counsellor you're seeing.....have you been seeing her for a long time now? Is she aware that you're cutting yourself? Have you ever admitted this to her? If she's telling you that it's "remarkably easy" to let go of your emotions, I would have to question whether you might be better off with a different counsellor....and don't take offense by perhaps a psychologist/psychiatrist........because your cutting behavior, particularly when it's now been 5 months since your ex left, shows you need someone a bit more intense and qualified to help you (and no, this does NOT mean you're crazy at all !!!!). Does anyone know you cut yourself? Your family doctor?

 

Have you ever considered contacting your local Battered Women's Shelter and talking with someone there? If it's been determined you'd been abused by this man - and it sounds like he treated you like crap, then you would likely benefit a great deal by speaking with another woman who's been in a similar (abusive) relationship......because I think you're still so emotionally battered down that you're not able to see things for the way they are, and get on with your life...you still think that he left because you were somehow inadequate. Hun, unhealthy/toxic partners often do mean things we don't understand....and it has NOTHING to do with us...it's to do with their own lack of a conscience, their own selfishness.........and if they didn't mistreat you, it would be someone else.

 

You lived together for 14 yrs though he never married you........or was it your choice not to marry? He left you many times. He hooked up with a married woman and left you and your daughter in the dust. This is not a good man, this is a scoundrel who doesn't know about love. This has nothing to do with you........it's all about his inadequacies as a human being and as a man with commitments.

 

Your daughter has cut herself - I don't know if she's still doing this..........but you admit you're doing it quite a lot..........you have a lot of pain there and I don't think you're getting the treatment/counselling that you need. There is nothing wrong or crazy about you - but you are in a lot of pain and you're trying to release it. I don't know how it works there where you are, as for getting yourself under the care of a psychiatrist...whether you need a referral from your family doctor or if you can just self-refer..but I think it's critical that you get yourself under the care of someone who's going to really help you - not invalidate your feelings by telling you that things are "easy" when they obviously are not for you at this point.

 

Come here to post any time..but please, get yourself the help you need.......you need more effective and safe ways to get rid of the pain and begin to heal.........and to learn to love yourself again.

[moon]

I think when your ex has another person to run to it makes it so much easier for them. So much easier to kiss it all goodbye and start fresh and to try to blame the person they left behind. I can only imagine that that is what your ex is doing. He's trying to find ways to blame you. This is inexcussble. Search back through the years of your relationship and think about this pattern that might have developed through the years of him finding ways to blame you instead of himself for things. Was he constantly angry about the things that you did in the past? Did he enjoy turning the tables on you? This might explain why at the end he would feel perfectly happy to turn it again on you as your fault. Of course it isn't your fault that this man has abandoned you and your daughter and dropped all contact. He isn't even living up to his responsibilites as a father or a man. I think you just have to realize that. You just have to realize what he did to you was horrible. Horrible things happen in this world. Great tragedies happen. Think about what just happened in Southeast Asia with the earthquake and tsunami. I have racked my brain thinking about how horrible that tragedy was. Why did it have to happen? Well, it did. It is one of life's mysteries.

 

Your ex leaving you to feel so horrible is a mystery. You can't solve it. You will someday become so numb to it that you will probably write your ex off as a low life and be done with him. You have to wait for your pain to subside. It's gonna take a while. These are probably your darkest days now. Who knows how long it will take...a year, two, but know it will get better someday. You have to keep your eye on that day. But you also have a daughter. These are her memories too, so try to be as strong as you can for her. Men will come and go, but your kids should be the most important thing.

 

Good luck. It sounds like you are doing everything possible to help yourself. You are going to counseling and taking medication. I don't know if what comes around goes around. I think people have to live with their mistakes and that can sometimes be the hardest part---for example when your ex wakes up to what he did, he's going to have to live with himself. Nobody is going to blame YOU that this happen, the finger will be pointed at him. Don't let him blame you anymore. Don't give him that satisfaction. Sometimes I think about those type of peole that seem to enjoy hurting others. In many cases they too have been hurt themselves growing up.....so maybe it's just a pattern for them that they are used to. This in a way helps me to forgive. But I've gotta find somebody who isn't stuck in that kind of patten. It looks like you do too.

[_Saffy_]

hey hit <hugs>

 

firstly indigo is right, the counsellor that you have isnt doing much good, it is NOT easy to let go of emotions, and she should be suggesting ways of doing this, instead of telling you to just go do it, you cannot and will not be able to let go, until you are ready and right now you arent. get a new counsellor!!! immediately.

 

secondly you need to talk to your doctor about this self harming, and also about the medication that you are taking, as i dont feel this is working either.

 

 

next, this may sound silly but write a list, of every bad thing you can think about your ex, and there will be loads of them, every time you think of a new one, add it to the list. read it every day, read it every time you think of him, this is not a good man, and although you dont feel like it now, YOU ARE BETTER WITHOUT HIM.

 

and finally write a list of things that are good about yourself, you arent feeling good at the moment and things may be slow, start with the fact that you are a fantastic mother, and that you always try to see the good in people. every day try and add something new to the list, and every day stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself these things over and over. before long you will start to believe them.

 

this is a long slow process, and it is not going to happen anytime soon, but at some point the bad days will get less and less.

[iceisles]

I believe Karma is a very real phenomenon. What goes around does come around. The problem is that revenge is not always exacted when you'd like it to be. I am not a vengeful person, but I know my ex will get what's coming to her someday. Maybe some guy will cheat on her like she did to me.

[Pocky]

Your pain is validated - you can stop cutting now.

 

 

Everyone of us is meant to suffer. There is no suffering less than yours and there is no suffering greater than yours. Experiencing pain allows us to become stronger, it allows us to grow emotionally and spiritually and it allows us to understand how important love and compassion is in the world.

 

You need not validate your own pain by witnessing the blood drip from your body. You need no physical evidence to peer at to remind yourself it's there. It is there and you have a right to hurt and you have a right to heal and you have a right to move on in your life. You can't control the actions of others, but you can control how you choose to live your life. You are beautiful because you're alive. You are beautiful because you're human - let no one take that away from you.

 

There is beauty waiting for you around the corner, but you need to step away from your grief and open yourself up to something new. You can find beauty within yourself without anyone else in your life - it's there because you exist.

 

Without your pain your eyes would be blinded by life and you would lose everything that makes you wonderful. The pain is there, it will always be there, but it's up to you to figure out what you want to do with it. You can embrace it and and understand that you are experiencing what all of us experience - you are stepping over one more hurdle placed in each of our paths, or you can hide from it, recoil from its touch and lose yourself and everything you have to offer.

 

Your mind has more power than you imagine - look for the positive. It is there, but you have to be open to it in order to find it.

[GreenCap]

I started a post not too long ago about how to get even as my ex cheated on me as well and said many nasty things to put me down to justify her leaving. When I discovered she was cheating, I got so mad I wanted to do something to empower myself.

 

Many LS members were sympathetic but the tone of the advice was to leave the revenge business to God and don't worry about karma and what comes around goes around etc. What if nothing comes in this lifetime, how would that affect you? Their advice to me was to move on and forget about the ex and not worry about her life.

 

In your case, things are different and more complex, especially when a child is involved. Perhaps as the others have suggested is to help your daugther and be a great model to her right now. Let God do His thing and you do your thing. God Bless you and your daughter!

[moon]

I remember another time I was dumped and I didn't act great after the break up. I went out with some people I probably shouldn't have. Did some things I probably shouldn't have. I felt horrible. So, even though my ex was the one who broke up with me, I think I suffered more from karma in the end. So I don't always think it's a black and white issue. That is why we shouldn't sit around and wonder when this is or isn't going to happen to our exes. The ex that I mentioned above used to have a horrible time in relationships. He was the type that always left somebody and couldn't commit to a relationship for more than a year, but talked on and on about marriage early on (he did this to me too). He and I had a terrible break up. I was one of the first people he didn't move to get away from. I moved to get away from him later on. But it was a really in your face type of break up because we lived very close to each other and had to see each other all the time. I had the opportunity to tell him how hurt I was feelings, etc.

 

So where is is now? In a happy marriage with two kids. He'd done many underhanded things in relationships, but came out okay. I think he realized that his relationship patterns weren't working, so he changed them. Also he probably just met the right person. I don't begrudge him of this. Sometimes with out even knowing it we might even be turing our exes *shutter* into better people. If you knew that the pain that your ex caused you shocked him into treating somebody else better, would that upset you? I guess I can like the woman my ex married because I don't know her and she in no way contribued to our break up. But I would HATE it if my ex had treated the next girl better. So hit the floor, hopefully he'll see the error of his ways and dump his latest girl. But maybe he'll also realize what a jerk he is later and start treating people better. Isn't that the real lesson of karma?

[VirginiaBob]

What goes around does not necessarily come around. She can cheat on you and dump you, yet you are the one who spends the rest of your life depressed and lonely, while she replaced you with someone better.

[moon]

I agree with what Pocky said. I think it's true that we all must go through pain in life to gain strength and wisdom. Maybe we had blinders on in our relationships too. Maybe we weren't fulfilling our potential and everyone around us, including God and you, knew this. Maybe you (meaing everyone) saw all the bad in the relationship, but you were just happy that that guy wasn't making the first move to go. That's what happened in my last relationship. I was too afraid of being alone. It wasn't the "alone" part I was worried about. I can be by myself, but I wanted to be making plans with somebody. I wanted to be making a future with somebody else---even if it was the wrong guy apparently. So I turned a blind eye to the problems. My ex wasn't breaking up with me over it either. He was maybe happy I wasn't noticing it while he wanted me there. But he dumped me when he found somebody he was more compatible with. Why didn't I do that????? I guess I could never do that to somebody. But the non-compatibility part would have been there whether my ex dumped me or not. The anger I felt towards him would have been there with or with out the break up. He wouldn't change and I wouldn't either. So the relationship ended. I didn't have the courage to break it off. I was too stuck in the relationship (which lasted on and off for four years).

 

When the end came for me it was like a crashing wall came down on me. It was tenfold of anything I thought would happen. So, yes I survived it, but was my karma to realize that I should have spoken up long ago? Because my karma doesn't feel so great right now either. I guess we just have to realize that life can be hard. It throws us a lot of curve balls. But there is nothing else we can do except keep living. Karma will pay it's own price to those deserving. I don't think it's black and white. But it wants to reach it's ultimate goal to see those pay and come to a life of good intension---from what I understand. Maybe I am suffering right now because I didn't have the best intentions for myself. But that's just me. If you were in a great relationship and they totally screwed you over that's different. I wasn't in a great relationship---nobody, not even me, could have called it that.

[XNemesisX]

I don't believe in what goes around comes around. I think that in order to feel the "sting" of what goes around comes around you must have a conscience. I have felt bad about things I have done in my ex relationship and I suffered from my own conscience but he did not suffer for HIS wrongdoings.. I think that some people really don't feel as deeply as others do. Having another person already there and set to go right after a breakup also helps them cope a LOT better.. I don't think they feel the pain as much as we do because of this. We are the ones left feeling rejected and depressed.

 

I think that good things and bad things happen to ALL people. If you are a good person it does not mean that good things will come your way. If you are a bad person it doesn't mean that bad things will come your way. Life is not fair. If what goes around comes around was in action, then life would be fair. It definitely is not.

 

We just have to learn to accept the curveballs thrown our way and cope as best we can in an imperfect and unjust world. Those who have wronged us may or may not get what's coming to them, but either way it probably has nothing to do with the karma they get from the cruel ways they treated US. Its completely seperate and random.

[hit the floor]

Hi - Thank-you to everyone who has responded. What I have learned is that there are two really distinct parts of me --- One is the logical side that understands that reality is simply an interpretation of facts (in other words, is the cup 1/2 full or 1/2 empty).

 

It is how I choose to see the situation that will ultimately dictate my emotions. The other half of me is this cynical emotional mess that believed in true love and obviously does not deal with rejection well.

 

Our relationship from day one, was unbalanced. I got pregnant very quickly and we were young. He had no education and I was persuing my degree and diploma in Social Work. At the beginning we both drank a lot and smoked a lot of dope, but as the baby grew I wanted a better life. So I returned to college finished my diploma and got a full-time job serving the homeless. He drifted from one job to the next. Always quitting or getting fired. We never shared finances because he was never capable of saving money...his money was his and he paid me a set amount to live with me. (Sounds strange, I know and trust me his set amount was not 1/2 of the expenses).

 

I had to control our situation because he could not...if I left it to him we would be homeless.

 

Regardless the logical side says.....cut the guy loose you and your daughter are going to be great....

 

Now he has left numerous times (as stated earlier) and this is where the emotional side looses control. I feel like I return to a child....I feel lost, unloveable, etc. I usually beg him to come and promise the world. The problem is each time the bar was raised higher for me. For example: He wanted more sex, so I would come on to him more and many times he would turn up Bob Villa on the TV and tell me he is tired.....he wanted more variety of food, so I would cook non-stop and he would complain I don't sit outside while he drinks beer and have fun with him....he would complain that we live in a dump (I just bought this house 1 year ago on my own...structurally a sound house, but needs some cosmetic work) so I would paint and clean.... No matter what he wanted I tried and failed. Roll in abuse factors: he would yell at me so loud my ears would ring and would not talk to me for days at at time and the profanity was insane. So 14 years of insanity can impede emotional stability. The cutting is a release for me....when my emotional side overtakes my balance, I cut. The cutting releases pain and allows me to see the pain I feel inside. (Or maybe it is just a response to his comment: pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside).

 

I have worked really hard with my daughter, please don't ever think that her needs are not being addressed. She has to sort out so much and I will not lower myself to seek revenge thru her.

 

Since July I must have asked him a million times if he was seeing someone else and every time he said No --- Why lie? Why tell me stories and why did I believe his lies?? I honestly can say I miss him terribly, I am not sure what I miss because he wasn't very nice to me.....maybe I just miss the delusion I created in order to survive the last 14 years. And yes, I had to create a delusion to survive.

 

He has abandoned as a child by his mother and I often would tell myself he has abandonment issues, hence his disappearing etc. and I would forgive him for all of his wrong doings. I never would have guessed that he would abandon his child. The amazing thing is, he'll call and say I want her or I want to talk to her...but he forgets how he "set her free". When I remind him and say you empowered her with choice and I also give him the opportunity for court mediation he tells me I am the *itch and I am going to pay.

 

I have to believe that what comes around goes around because if it doesn't than why would people choose to live a "good, spiritual" life? I mean if you can be an abuser, alcoholic and abandoner and still have a great life, what it the point in not being an abuser, alcoholic or abandoner???

 

Thank-you everyone for your input..... hit the floor - LP