Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

December 9, 2013

I sometimes wonder about "picking" certain types....When you meet someone, you don't know what "type" of person he or she is. If you are not distancing yourself too much, the only things I can think of is that these guys were never wanting a LTR in the first place OR, I'm sorry, but, soon realize you're not what they signed up for.

ES, I would like to think it's the former. And to be honest, you don't figure that out until you've invested some time to the relationship and by then, it becomes more painful.

I think we are attracted, to who we are, for various reasons, some probably not healthy reasons, most probably subconscious from childhood (unresolved childhood stuff), men and woman included.

Trying to control who we are attracted to, break the habit if you will, try someone different "this time", I have found, is close to impossible. You don't know who someone is, until you invest some time in the person. Are they a chaser? Are they looking for FWB?

RedRobin, your approach seems logical, and at least you are doing something different to try to figure it all out, filter out the bad ones. In the end though, we just don't know until we invest that time and energy discovering who they are.

December 9, 2013

I sometimes wonder about "picking" certain types....When you meet someone, you don't know what "type" of person he or she is. If you are not distancing yourself too much, the only things I can think of is that these guys were never wanting a LTR in the first place OR, I'm sorry, but, soon realize you're not what they signed up for.

ES, I would like to think it's the former. And to be honest, you don't figure that out until you've invested some time to the relationship and by then, it becomes more painful.

I think that's pretty easy to figure out.

If a man has a track record of at least few LTRs then it's most likely that he loses interest in me.

If a man has a track record of no LTRs (after certain age) then it's likely he is the problem.

Now where do I find guys like you soccerrprp?

Edited December 9, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

December 9, 2013

If a man has a track record of at least few LTRs then it's most likely that he loses interest in me.

If a man has a track record of no LTRs (after certain age) then it's likely he is the problem.

Yes

_______________

December 9, 2013

If a man has a track record of at least few LTRs then it's most likely that he loses interest in me.

If a man has a track record of no LTRs (after certain age) then it's likely he is the problem.

How does the # of LTRs a person has been in determine their level of interest in you, or, cause you to believe it's their level of interest in you that decreased?

By that definition/comment, I have been in 3 LTRs, if you and I dated for a bit, and I lost interest, it's because I have been in a few LTRs? I am not following you.....

Same for no LTRs?

And, what defines a LTR?

Me, for example. I think I have been in 3 LTRs, one 4 years, one 14 years and one 1 year. Other than that many 2,3, 4 month "relationships" in between.

December 9, 2013

By that definition/comment, I have been in 3 LTRs, if you and I dated for a bit, and I lost interest, it's because I have been in a few LTRs? I am not following you.....

IMO, she's getting at, if one has relationship experience, one knows oneself in a relationship and how to prosecute, for lack of a better word, a healthy relationship over a period of time and retain interest and/or attraction with/from another person during that time. LTR's indicate relationship 'success' and, if the dating thing doesn't work out, it's coming from a standpoint of experience and relationship knowledge and understanding of self, with her supposition that 'self' wasn't interested sufficiently to continue.

December 9, 2013

IMO, she's getting at, if one has relationship experience, one knows oneself in a relationship and how to prosecute, for lack of a better word, a healthy relationship over a period of time and retain interest and/or attraction with/from another person during that time. LTR's indicate relationship 'success' and, if the dating thing doesn't work out, it's coming from a standpoint of experience and relationship knowledge and understanding of self, with her supposition that 'self' wasn't interested sufficiently to continue.

Ahhhh, gotcha, makes sense. I'm a little slooooow today!

December 9, 2013

Now where do I find guys like you soccerrprp?

What happened to the new guy you were seeing? I think there were a couple maybe? ...curious minds want to know!

What's the longest relationship you have been in?

December 9, 2013

My ex was a chaser then seemed to lose interest after a while exactly the way it describes.

Do these guys like the chase of catching the person again?

I mean my ex since we've broken up the more I ignore his messages the more he tries to text me. Do they try an chase the person back?

December 9, 2013

As we get to know people they will begin to treat us like we treat ourselves ie: if you disrespect yourself others will disrespect you and you will find yourself in many unhealthy relationships, if you respect yourself then others will do the same.

If you are constantly attracting men who lose interest in you, this may reflect some kind of self-loathing on your part.

Edited December 9, 2013 by felicity1

December 9, 2013

Now where do I find guys like you soccerrprp?

You won't find them anywhere b/c you are not soccerrprp.

It's time to start self-dissecting.

Edited December 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

December 9, 2013

You won't find them anywhere b/c you are not soccerrprp.

It's time to start self-dissecting.

I have been doing that already....

December 9, 2013

My ex was a chaser then seemed to lose interest after a while exactly the way it describes.
Do these guys like the chase of catching the person again?

I mean my ex since we've broken up the more I ignore his messages the more he tries to text me. Do they try an chase the person back?

Yep they totally do.

December 9, 2013

Honestly, in my experience, some men enjoy the chase and the thrill of chasing after the impossible. I had a guy who was interested in me, do that. He met some other woman, and he went out on a date with me while he was totally chasing after that other woman, so he put in zero effort into our first date, even subconsciously or deliberately sabotaged the date with me.. and when I told him I was interested in getting to know him more, he told me that he was interested in some other woman he'd met, and that, even though it was an impossible situation, he was going to pursue it to its conclusion... some people just want the impossible, but i think usually those types border on psychopathy -- they enjoy the thrill and excitement of the unknown and they are usually insecure types who want to prove to themselves that they can eventually get women who are hard to win over.. so if you're won over fast, they think you're easy and it doesn't confirm their desirability. Not all men are like that. Unfortunately, we often have to deal with people like this, in our quest to find someone who isn't like that.. I also don't believe that someone who runs into commitmentphobes is a commitmentphobe herself. I think that the phenomenon of people (esp. men) wanting just FWB but going on dating websites for that, is a big one nowadays. So the odds of meeting such men are high. If a woman is not entertaining such a person once she finds out what he's all about, then no, she is not a commitmentphobe herself. Just because someone comes across bad people doesn't mean she's bad herself... but if she decides to stick around a commitmentphobe, then that's another issue altogether..

December 9, 2013

I think that's pretty easy to figure out.

If a man has a track record of at least few LTRs then it's most likely that he loses interest in me.

If a man has a track record of no LTRs (after certain age) then it's likely he is the problem.

But also, how do you know if the man is being honest about having had LTRs? People do lie about that stuff, you know. I just cannot, cannot, for the life of me, imagine that my ex could ever have been in a LTR with ANYONE, even his own clone. Or that he could've been the one to be cheated on, rather than being the one to cheat on his gfs. And yet, he claimed he had had 4 LTRs , each lasting 4-5 years (he was 40), and that his ex had cheated on him. I believed it at first, but now I realize how naive I must've been. I don't believe it for even one second, at this point. So don't believe everything people say. It's about actions not words. Frankly, i don't know why you even want to dissect these men's behaviors. They're not interested in you, and it doesn't matter why they're not. Us women have been conditioned to always wonder what we did wrong to have someone run away from us, not want to date us, etc. It's not about us. Most of the time anyway. Unless you did something to totally gross him out or whatever, chances are, he just wasn't into you, or he was a player and you dodged a bullet. Some people end up wasting years, even decades, on/with future-fakers... so count your blessings that they ejected that early on...

December 9, 2013

OP, do you have a happy place? Where things are just right?

You ever have a job you really enjoyed and then they "promoted" you, giving you a **** ton more responsibility and headaches and a little bit more money and now you no longer enjoy work?

I love women. I love taking a beautiful girl out and having a good time doing whatever we are doing. It's not all about sex, it's seeing her smile and having fun and enjoying her time with me. I can't really explain it, I am horrible at explaining stuff. It's not a fear of commitment, it's liking where I am and not being in a hurry to leave. It's not losing interest, it's realizing she is looking to take it to the next level and I like this level. We're not on the same page and I can't ask her to stay on the same page as me, that would be unfair.

Men who want that, should state that upfront, IMO. Otherwise, they are players and are looking into scoring someone and trying enjoy the benefits of the companionship and/or sex, while she is thinking that this has the potential to go somewhere. That's dishonest. I'm not saying you should state this at the first date, but be upfront about it after 2-3 dates. Definitely before sleeping with her. Most men who want FWB aren't upfront about it, because they know that if they are, the woman will walk away. Some will say it, but only after they've already gotten laid. It's despicable behaviour, IMO.

December 9, 2013

Me, personally, I have never chased a woman or persued a woman, just for sex. Everytime I take an interest in a woman, its to see if we are dating/relationship material. Even my first, and hopefully last, FWB. I was interested in her as more than a friend, more than just sex, I saw her as someone I could possibly date.

So, I think you have the chasers, who lose interest. maybe they are the players, or ones looking for a FWB.

Then, you have the men like me, who go into it with great/good intentions, then see or feel something that is "off", are trying to figure it out, may seem distant/removed during that period, what you call "lose interest". In my case I am trying to see if it's something that will get better with time, or, if the feeling is real, or if it's my mind playing it's usual stuff on me (fears, etc).

My ex use to say I was "removed". I agree, I was trying to figure out who she really was, if I could overlook her red flags for me, and I was not comitted to a LTR until I could figure this out. She saw that and commented on it, even recently. I also saw all the good in her, in us, and that's what kept me present. I was not losing interest as much as I was trying to figure it all out in my head.

Hope that makes sense.

And, I don't think this is just men. A woman I met on OLD, two dates, then I told her I was not ready to date her, she has been texting me constantly, telling me she wants to see me, she is lonely, all the good she sees in me, she is free every weekend. She is meeting a lot of men, but is only interested in me. This woman does not know me, after 2 dates, and I told her I did not want to move forward. She respected that, waited a week, then started texting me a lot. I could go see her, probably have sex with her right away, but, I can't, and I won't. So, in a sense, she is chasing me. A female friend of mine recently broke up with her ex. We did Yoga together last week then went out for a drink. She was flirting with me, being a little touchy. She has been texting me ever since, I give quick short replies. So, I think she is chasing me, but, I also know her well enough to know if we did "do something" it would not be a permanent thing for her, she is very confused, has a lot of emotional stuff to work on, and, I don't want to go there with her.

Can't you wait and see if the red flags go away without becoming distant? How big are these red flags? If I were your gf I would assume you lost interest too.

I definitely question things when I am dating someone but I don't become distant in the process.

December 10, 2013

I have been doing that already....

That's great. Keep doing it.

Keep focused on how you treat yourself(do I love and respect myself or do I cause myself pain?).

Stop blaming the men you attract and take responsibility(I'm talking from my own experience here).

December 10, 2013

I think we are attracted, to who we are, for various reasons, some probably not healthy reasons, most probably subconscious from childhood (unresolved childhood stuff), men and woman included.

Trying to control who we are attracted to, break the habit if you will, try someone different "this time", I have found, is close to impossible. /
QUOTE]

I don't believe this is close to impossible. As you've said, we attract those like ourselves. So if we can change ourselves(learn to love and respect ourselves), then we can attract different people.

This issue is all about self-worth.

December 10, 2013

Can't you wait and see if the red flags go away without becoming distant? How big are these red flags? If I were your gf I would assume you lost interest too.

I definitely question things when I am dating someone but I don't become distant in the process.

Trust me, and read my posts about my ex gf, I waited, and waited, and waited....folks on here thought I was crazy for staying as long as I did. I am not one to run or shut down when I see a red flag. I questioned things, mostly in my mind, talked to her a bit, but as time went on I saw more and more and more actions & behaviors that casued me to not committ 100%, as I was just not sure.

December 10, 2013

I think we are attracted, to who we are, for various reasons, some probably not healthy reasons, most probably subconscious from childhood (unresolved childhood stuff), men and woman included.

Trying to control who we are attracted to, break the habit if you will, try someone different "this time", I have found, is close to impossible. /
QUOTE]

I don't believe this is close to impossible. As you've said, we attract those like ourselves. So if we can change ourselves(learn to love and respect ourselves), then we can attract different people.

This issue is all about self-worth.

I don't disagree.

My point was it's a difficult thing to do. I have worked hard on myself over the past 8+ months, I feel stronger, healthier, better, yet I still seem to attract the same kind of unhealthy woman. What's different, is, I see it a lot quicker than I use to.

I am the "good man" (I hear that often from woman), the stable one, secure, indepednent, got my act together, fit, healthy, nice looking, funny, and I seem to attract the woman who have had the oppositie man/men. They have been emotionally/physically abused, cheated on, been with players, have trust issues, etc.

My FWB came over last night to pick up some DVDs she had left, and we talked for a couple of hours. She shared a lot of her past that I had never heard before. Lots of trust issues with men. After talking she said she wanted to have sex, I said no way, you defined a boudary a few weeks ago, I am sticking to it. So, I feel pretty darn strong, stronger than I was months ago, can see her as a friend, but know right now is not a good time for her to be getting into a relationship, and, it may nopt be the right time for me to get into a relationship.

Edited December 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

December 10, 2013

I don't disagree.

My point was it's a difficult thing to do. I have worked hard on myself over the past 8+ months, I feel stronger, healthier, better, yet I still seem to attract the same kind of unhealthy woman. What's different, is, I see it a lot quicker than I use to.

I am the "good man" (I hear that often from woman), the stable one, secure, indepednent, got my act together, fit, healthy, nice looking, funny, and I seem to attract the woman who have had the oppositie man/men. They have been emotionally/physically abused, cheated on, been with players, have trust issues, etc.

My FWB came over last night to pick up some DVDs she had left, and we talked for a couple of hours. She shared a lot of her past that I had never heard before. Lots of trust issues with men. After talking she said she wanted to have sex, I said no way, you defined a boudary a few weeks ago, I am sticking to it. So, I feel pretty darn strong, stronger than I was months ago, can see her as a friend, but know right now is not a good time for her to be getting into a relationship, and, it may nopt be the right time for me to get into a relationship.

She was probably horrified that you rejected her for sex

Edited December 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

December 10, 2013

I don't disagree.

My point was it's a difficult thing to do. I have worked hard on myself over the past 8+ months, I feel stronger, healthier, better, yet I still seem to attract the same kind of unhealthy woman. What's different, is, I see it a lot quicker than I use to.

I am the "good man" (I hear that often from woman), the stable one, secure, indepednent, got my act together, fit, healthy, nice looking, funny, and I seem to attract the woman who have had the oppositie man/men. They have been emotionally/physically abused, cheated on, been with players, have trust issues, etc.

My FWB came over last night to pick up some DVDs she had left, and we talked for a couple of hours. She shared a lot of her past that I had never heard before. Lots of trust issues with men. After talking she said she wanted to have sex, I said no way, you defined a boudary a few weeks ago, I am sticking to it. So, I feel pretty darn strong, stronger than I was months ago, can see her as a friend, but know right now is not a good time for her to be getting into a relationship, and, it may nopt be the right time for me to get into a relationship.

It's only been 8 months and you can see progress, that's great. This kind of self-work takes years if not decades.

Edited December 10, 2013 by felicity1

December 10, 2013

She was probably horrified that you rejected her for sex

Actually, she said, me saying No made her want to do it more. I was serious though, and she understood. Plus I have been with my ex gf recently, so, I can't "go there" physically or emotionally with someone else.

December 10, 2013

Actually, she said, me saying No made her want to do it more. I was serious though, and she understood. Plus I have been with my ex gf recently, so, I can't "go there" physically or emotionally with someone else.

There is so much overlap between your "relationships" it's kind of hard to follow.

December 10, 2013

There is so much overlap between your "relationships" it's kind of hard to follow.

There have only been 2 in my LS lifetime, if you count the FWB as a relationship.

I will get you some cliff notes!

This one is easy, FWB recently (about 4 weeks ago) said she could not just have sex with me, it was too confusing for her. A week or so prior to that, ex gf reached out to me to meet for dinner, to talk. I agreed to meet her.

We met, about a week after the FWB said she could not longer have sex with me anymore.

Ex gf and I are talking, spending time together. I have not comitted to dating her again. Not sure I want to. All of her words/messages are supported by her actions & behaviors, so far. Just not sure my heart is in it, or if I have my guard up/walls up.

I am not losing interest, just not sure where my interest level is really with the ex gf. With the FWB, I am not sure if I lost interest, or what.

FWB, we never really had a chance to "date"; which kind of stinks. Maybe there could have been something there, and, we talked about that last night. It's like we went from hanging out a few time, to sex, and bypassed the discovery phase. We have both always felt something for the other, since the first time we met (that unexplainable chemistry/attraction) almost 3 years ago. She did not want to date, nor did I, though in the course of having sex/spending time together we both got emotionally closer to the other.

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Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

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