Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

November 25, 2013

The problem is that the OP is attracted to men that are "edgy" (to the point of crushing on an edgy guy that ended up being homeless) and also has a soft spot (or a wet spot?) for guys with a six pack.

Men that she is attracted to sexually are not men that are good relationship material.

At some point she has to make a choice - does she want a serious long term, committed relationship (or marriage), or does she want casual sexual relationships.

November 25, 2013

... oh, I'm plenty realistic. The OP has every reason to want to bond with a man who is at a similar life stage as she is.

So by that reasoning, a 58-year-old man who is unmarried and with no kids has "every reason to bond with a woman who is at a similar life stage," meaning a late 20's-early 30's woman...? And age is irrelevant??

It's not about what the OP's reasoning is, or what she wants or thinks she deserves, it's about who she can reasonably expect to be interested in her for a lifetime commitment. I would argue, again, that's unlikely to be a guy five years younger who is attractive, charming, and has lots of options.

I don't think the older ones are necessarily better than the younger ones, is what I'm saying. It's a stereotype that lots like to project because it benefits them... "hey, young lady. Pick me because I'm more stable and established and willing to commit to you." Baloney.

You can never know for sure what any one individual's intentions are, so you have to make judgments based on logic and some degree of generalization. Just like several women here have pointed out that a guy who has a record of no long-term commitments raises an automatic "red flag" (regardless of *individual* evaluation), dating a guy in his 20's if you're in your 30's should cause similar concern.

Ok. whatever. There are good people in every age group. Fine. Still, if she wants someone at a similar life stage (unmarried with no kids) she has a better shot at the younger age group. She has every right to go younger just like the guys do. "Like it or not"

Of course she does. And--who knows--she might get lucky and find what she wants. But--not to be gloomy--I think if she stays on that path she's going to need a lot of patience and persistence while she weeds through guys like the ones she's been meeting.

November 25, 2013

The problem is that the OP is attracted to men that are "edgy" (to the point of crushing on an edgy guy that ended up being homeless) and also has a soft spot (or a wet spot?) for guys with a six pack.

Men that she is attracted to sexually are not men that are good relationship material.

Wow, this sounds like a guy friend I have in Canada, unfortunately ES he has a long term girlfriend and a mortgage, but after all the things I have said about Australia, he said if he ever finds himself single again, he is jumping the first plane here. He is also really ambitious. The down side is he isn't intellectually intelligent (i.e. he isn't going to read any books for fun).

November 25, 2013

So by that reasoning, a 58-year-old man who is unmarried and with no kids has "every reason to bond with a woman who is at a similar life stage," meaning a
late 20's-early 30's woman...? And age is irrelevant??

Beats the lame 'biology' argument.

It's not about what the OP's reasoning is, or what she wants or thinks she deserves, it's about who she can reasonably expect to be interested in her for a lifetime commitment. I would argue, again, that's unlikely to be a guy five years younger who is attractive, charming, and has lots of options.

I haven't seen who she has tried to date, so I wouldn't know. I'd still say her best bet is men who are legitimately commitment oriented... and no... I don't believe that older men are necessarily more commitment oriented. It's a myth... promoted usually by those same men who just want some young tail to keep them going for another 10 years. Sorry. Just my opinion.

You can never know for sure what any one individual's intentions are, so you have to make judgments based on logic and some degree of generalization.

Logic and generalization not required. Evidence regarding how they treat others and women in past interactions is more than sufficient. Unfortunately, people just don't like being patient.

Just like several women here have pointed out that a guy who has a record of no long-term commitments raises an automatic "red flag" (regardless of *individual* evaluation), dating a guy in his 20's if you're in your 30's should cause similar concern.

Riiight... unless you are a guy.... then it is full steam ahead buddy on the young'ins... got it.

Of course she does. And--who knows--she might get lucky and find what she wants. But--not to be gloomy--I think if she stays on that path she's going to need a lot of patience and persistence while she weeds through guys like the ones she's been meeting.

The only path she needs to change is going after men who don't have a history of long term relationships and maybe have a history of casual sex/FWB. In any case, she'll have to weed through those damn quick and use a lot of patience and persistence to see through the poseurs. That's true for any man she'd meet at any age.

November 25, 2013

OP, do you have a happy place? Where things are just right?

You ever have a job you really enjoyed and then they "promoted" you, giving you a **** ton more responsibility and headaches and a little bit more money and now you no longer enjoy work?

I love women. I love taking a beautiful girl out and having a good time doing whatever we are doing. It's not all about sex, it's seeing her smile and having fun and enjoying her time with me. I can't really explain it, I am horrible at explaining stuff. It's not a fear of commitment, it's liking where I am and not being in a hurry to leave. It's not losing interest, it's realizing she is looking to take it to the next level and I like this level. We're not on the same page and I can't ask her to stay on the same page as me, that would be unfair.

December 6, 2013

Guy here, and this has happened to me before, though never planned, never intentional

I am all into a girl, being myself, romancing, charming her, having fun, discoveing things about her, all is great and then, all of a sudden something feels off. It happened to me recently with my 1st FWB. I liked her, a lot, prior to sex, and, I was looking at her as someone I could date. She offerred FWB (knowing she liked me too), I accepted thinking it was a next step for us, and, after about a month the excitment went away. Not totally, but something changed. I still liked her, still do, I just don't see us in a LTR after spending more time with her and learning more about her.

I am not sure it's about the chase, really, maybe a red flag came up for them/me, or, they simply lost interest as in what that thought was something great, well, after more time together, was not. We all can put people up on a pedestal at first, and, once we knock them down, well.....

When I was younger it always happened at the 3 month point for me. Then, I met my ex wife, and, at 3 months I was still into her, 6, 9, 12...I remember at one point saying to myself "wow, she made it past the 3 month point and I did not even think about it". And 3 months was not a planned point in time for me, just looking back I could see a pattern for me. That's probably the point in dating where you "know enough" to make a decision if you want to continue.

Some of buddies love the chase, the conquer, then it's on to the next one.

December 6, 2013

OP, do you have a happy place? Where things are just right?

You ever have a job you really enjoyed and then they "promoted" you, giving you a **** ton more responsibility and headaches and a little bit more money and now you no longer enjoy work?

I love women. I love taking a beautiful girl out and having a good time doing whatever we are doing. It's not all about sex, it's seeing her smile and having fun and enjoying her time with me. I can't really explain it, I am horrible at explaining stuff. It's not a fear of commitment, it's liking where I am and not being in a hurry to leave. It's not losing interest, it's realizing she is looking to take it to the next level and I like this level. We're not on the same page and I can't ask her to stay on the same page as me, that would be unfair.

This too, bingo.

This is where it was with my FWB. She said she could no longer just have sex, as she was starting to like me a lot and wanted to date me (though she also said the thought of dating freaked her out). Strange thing is, we never "just had sex". We were almost "pretend" dating. In fact, I would tell her we did not have to have sex evertime we saw each other, she wanted to though.

Cooking dinners, going out, hanging out with my friends, doing coupley stuff. So, I learned more about her, probably enough to know I could not date her long term, yet. Yet, I still liked her, and was content with where we were. Maybe in time it could have turned into a LTR for me.

December 6, 2013

Nah they genuinely enjoyed the chase. They did grandiose romantic things and would only up the level if I remained hot and cold and disinterested. As soon as I consistently returned their interest...poof they are gone.

They could have figured out the pattern hotcold mixed signals....

every guy steps back and says what would it be like living with this woman?

Waking up one day she likes me one day she don't one day she is hot one day cold?...

He just walks away .... guys will date a female player they will sleep with her

but no one wants to be married to crazy girl and her mind games..

December 7, 2013

Guys like a bit of a chase, but then in the end if you aren't worth all the effort when they finally get you... They realize all the time and energy they devoted to the chase wasn't worth it.

December 7, 2013

This too, bingo.

This is where it was with my FWB. She said she could no longer just have sex, as she was starting to like me a lot and wanted to date me (though she also said the thought of dating freaked her out). Strange thing is, we never "just had sex". We were almost "pretend" dating. In fact, I would tell her we did not have to have sex evertime we saw each other, she wanted to though.

Cooking dinners, going out, hanging out with my friends, doing coupley stuff. So, I learned more about her, probably enough to know I could not date her long term, yet. Yet, I still liked her, and was content with where we were. Maybe in time it could have turned into a LTR for me.

I hear what you and imported say. All it says to me is that you weren't into this woman enough. Compare it to the ex you were crazy about. You didn't hesitate in taking it to the next level.

That's what bugs me. I don't want a lukewarm guy who I have to push into committing. I feel I am better than that and am just selling myself short.

December 7, 2013

Guys like a bit of a chase, but then in the end if you aren't worth all the effort when they finally get you... They realize all the time and energy they devoted to the chase wasn't worth it.

Yeah, I'll give you that. Which is okay. I mean, all of the chasing doesn't guarantee that the person being chased isn't going to turn out to be much less than you expected after getting to know them.

I spent an intense month chasing after my current gf, but knew what I was going to get once I got her...yay! So, yeah, I chased, I got and I got what I've always wanted.

December 7, 2013

Yeah, I'll give you that. Which is okay. I mean, all of the chasing doesn't guarantee that the person being chased isn't going to turn out to be much less than you expected after getting to know them.

I spent an intense month chasing after my current gf, but knew what I was going to get once I got her...yay! So, yeah, I chased, I got and I got what I've always wanted.

And you didn't "keep it casual" or hesitated in taking it to the next level of making her an exclusive girlfriend.

December 7, 2013

And you didn't "keep it casual" or hesitated in taking it to the next level of making her an exclusive girlfriend.

ZERO hesitation.

I don't chase for the thrill of it. It may be thrilling, but my intention is for a LTR.

Edited December 7, 2013 by soccerrprp

December 7, 2013

ZERO hesitation.

I don't chase for the thrill of it. It may be thrilling, but my intention is for a LTR.

That's my whole point. That's when it's not about the chase but about genuinely liking the girl.

I actually have no problem in being in "we will see" or more casual situation myself. It's just what that implies about guy's feelings for me that bugs me.

December 7, 2013

I'm starting to think a lot of guys simply don't know the difference between liking/loving a girl and lusting after her. I think this is the reason so many guys will lose interest in a girl after sex.

December 7, 2013

Nah they genuinely enjoyed the chase. They did grandiose romantic things and would only up the level if I remained hot and cold and disinterested. As soon as I consistently returned their interest...poof they are gone.

This is me. It is all about ego. Once I get the validation that I got them, I lose all interest. I am also a commitment phobe, so the chase is fun because there is no commitment at that point. I can go out and date them but not worry about anything serious, like all the responsibilities that come with a relationship or the thoughts of being with that person forever. I am not even sure I am capable of loving anyone.

My only two love interests have been unrequited love. Once I thought I had them, the feelings disappeared. When I realized I didn't have them, the feelings came back.

I am not proud or happy I am like this, but that's how I am. It sucks to be lonely but not want a relationship either. I am stuck between the two.

Edited December 7, 2013 by Frank13

December 9, 2013

I hear what you and imported say. All it says to me is that you weren't into this woman enough. Compare it to the ex you were crazy about. You didn't hesitate in taking it to the next level.

That's what bugs me. I don't want a lukewarm guy who I have to push into committing. I feel I am better than that and am just selling myself short.

I was into the FWB; still think about her too. I was not ready to dive in head first though. She was just out of a 3 year engagment, I know I could have been a rebound, and I wanted to go sloooooow. I saw some things that could have been red flags, but, we were not officially dating, so it's hard to know. It's hard to know if she would have been a different person if we were dating.

When you feel the lukewarm, from you, or him, just cut it off. I would not say that's the result of a chase, I would say it's the result of something feels off, and, you are not sure you are ready to take a next step. It's exactlly where I am with the ex gf right now. All the signs are there, she has changed, message matches the actions and behaviors, just not sure I am there"with her" this time, so I may cut it off. I am in a bit of limbo, and, if I don't do something aI am sure she will, though she says she is giving me plenty of space.

I think this happens to all of us. Who knows why, fear of committment, red flags, the honeymoon is over, who knows. It's when we can move past that, we know it's something different.

My advise: be friends first. Get to know the person without intimacy/sex. It's advise, not that I have ever been able to practice it.

December 9, 2013

This is me. It is all about ego. Once I get the validation that I got them, I lose all interest. I am also a commitment phobe, so the chase is fun because there is no commitment at that point. I can go out and date them but not worry about anything serious, like all the responsibilities that come with a relationship or the thoughts of being with that person forever. I am not even sure I am capable of loving anyone.

My only two love interests have been unrequited love. Once I thought I had them, the feelings disappeared. When I realized I didn't have them, the feelings came back.

I am not proud or happy I am like this, but that's how I am. It sucks to be lonely but not want a relationship either. I am stuck between the two.

I hear you, and wonder if I am this way too at times.

Right now, the one woman I care about the most, is my female best friend. I have thought about next steps with her, than, I think about losing the friendship if it does not work. I value our friendship soooo much and do not want to lose that.

December 9, 2013

This is me. It is all about ego. Once I get the validation that I got them, I lose all interest. I am also a commitment phobe, so the chase is fun because there is no commitment at that point. I can go out and date them but not worry about anything serious, like all the responsibilities that come with a relationship or the thoughts of being with that person forever. I am not even sure I am capable of loving anyone.

My only two love interests have been unrequited love. Once I thought I had them, the feelings disappeared. When I realized I didn't have them, the feelings came back.

I am not proud or happy I am like this, but that's how I am. It sucks to be lonely but not want a relationship either. I am stuck between the two.

Yep, all classic signs of commitment phobe.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

December 9, 2013

I think people chase dopamine. Whether it's a new sexual partner or another tub of ice cream. The more impulsive he is, the more likely he needs novelty. The more of a chaser he is, the more he is after excitement and novelty.

December 9, 2013

Tit for two tats. Open up emotionally one time for every two times he does. Don't just declare at some moment that you're opening the spigot and from that point forward you're emotionally on. You need to do an emotional dance, 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Let him initiate most times, even after a while of dating. It's stupid, but it works.

Cha cha cha!

December 9, 2013

That's my whole point. That's when it's not about the chase but about genuinely liking the girl.

I actually have no problem in being in "we will see" or more casual situation myself. It's just what that implies about guy's feelings for me that bugs me.

Looking back to ALL of my relationships, I simply don't get that great of a high during the early phase of a relationship. I mean, it's new, fresh, but I don't go to extreme excitement. I think it helps to have a pretty even keel and not allow emotions overcome you. So, though the chasing is thrilling, it's not some "fix" that I need to repeat.

Again, my recent chasing of my GF was text-book chasing, crazy . But, I knew what I was chasing after. I knew once I got her what to expect. I don't know if my chasing counts. I chased her after having dated her a while. Does my chasing count? Or are talking about guys who, initially, from the get go, chase?

December 9, 2013

I am not interested in playing games. Been there, done that. I need a guy that won't run away because I have feelings for him. I am probably picking commitment phobes.

I really don't want to be "just out of reach". That's draining. I think with the right kind of guy that won't be needed.

I have not read through all posts here. Eternal Sunshine could you be running from your own feelings(particularly inner-child terror/pain) and that's why you attract men who do the same(run from you/your feelings)? Otherwise why do you attract them? Do you have "daddy issues" ie: absent/distant/abusive father/grandfather/uncle etc. These issues have probably already been addressed, my apologies if so.

December 9, 2013

I sometimes wonder about "picking" certain types....When you meet someone, you don't know what "type" of person he or she is. If you are not distancing yourself too much, the only things I can think of is that these guys were never wanting a LTR in the first place OR, I'm sorry, but, soon realize you're not what they signed up for.

ES, I would like to think it's the former. And to be honest, you don't figure that out until you've invested some time to the relationship and by then, it becomes more painful.

December 9, 2013

Me, personally, I have never chased a woman or persued a woman, just for sex. Everytime I take an interest in a woman, its to see if we are dating/relationship material. Even my first, and hopefully last, FWB. I was interested in her as more than a friend, more than just sex, I saw her as someone I could possibly date.

So, I think you have the chasers, who lose interest. maybe they are the players, or ones looking for a FWB.

Then, you have the men like me, who go into it with great/good intentions, then see or feel something that is "off", are trying to figure it out, may seem distant/removed during that period, what you call "lose interest". In my case I am trying to see if it's something that will get better with time, or, if the feeling is real, or if it's my mind playing it's usual stuff on me (fears, etc).

My ex use to say I was "removed". I agree, I was trying to figure out who she really was, if I could overlook her red flags for me, and I was not comitted to a LTR until I could figure this out. She saw that and commented on it, even recently. I also saw all the good in her, in us, and that's what kept me present. I was not losing interest as much as I was trying to figure it all out in my head.

Hope that makes sense.

And, I don't think this is just men. A woman I met on OLD, two dates, then I told her I was not ready to date her, she has been texting me constantly, telling me she wants to see me, she is lonely, all the good she sees in me, she is free every weekend. She is meeting a lot of men, but is only interested in me. This woman does not know me, after 2 dates, and I told her I did not want to move forward. She respected that, waited a week, then started texting me a lot. I could go see her, probably have sex with her right away, but, I can't, and I won't. So, in a sense, she is chasing me. A female friend of mine recently broke up with her ex. We did Yoga together last week then went out for a drink. She was flirting with me, being a little touchy. She has been texting me ever since, I give quick short replies. So, I think she is chasing me, but, I also know her well enough to know if we did "do something" it would not be a permanent thing for her, she is very confused, has a lot of emotional stuff to work on, and, I don't want to go there with her.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Babolat

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Guys that love thrill of the chase....but then lose interest

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