Am I being reasonable with partner who cheated with my best friend

[Try]

If anyone ever tried to say I could not talk to this person or that person the relationship would be over right then and there. It is most definitely a form of control.

I agree that it is a form of control. Marraige is all about agreeing that you will be controlled by the boundaries of your marraige. If you make the choice not to honor the boundaries of your marraige, you should not be surprised if your spouse makes the choice to end the marriage. Call it extortion of you want, but it is what it is. You see marraige is not all about just what you want. What the spouse wants in a marraige also matters. You both have the right to make choices, and you should be prepared to live with the consequences of those choices. Edited November 24, 2013 by Try

[AlwaysGrowing]

Is that not in its very essence regaining control? You are controlling through demand that there be NC. When a demand is placed on someone that limits their choices it is control. It is actually very closely linked to extortion.

 

If anyone ever tried to say I could not talk to this person or that person the relationship would be over right then and there. It is most definitely a form of control.

 

 

Limits are placed everywhere by all kinds of different agencies and people. Extortion? You jumped the shark there.

 

You can accept the boundaries or not....also knowing you are accepting the consequences of either choice...good or bad.

 

Thats life.

[Try]

The children are 2 and 4.

The other women (OW), your husband, and many of your husband's family and friends, are asking the question "what kind of mother would deny pre-school children daily access to both of their parents, by making the choice to go back to school out of state when they are still this young?" Regardless of what your husband said about it when you discussed it with him, the reality of the situation would make many husbands resent you over the choice that you made here. Also, if you read "His Needs Her Needs" you will see that you allowed the OW the opportunity to meet more of your husbands needs than you. I am not saying this to hurt you, but to let you better understand what you are dealing with. Your husband can be held countable for his actions, but he has little control over his feelings.

[Realist3]

Limits are placed everywhere by all kinds of different agencies and people. Extortion? You jumped the shark there.

 

You can accept the boundaries or not....also knowing you are accepting the consequences of either choice...good or bad.

 

Thats life.

 

I said closely linked to extortion. It is telling someone else what they can or cannot do or this will happen. Any person being extorted always has the choice, but it is not a free will choice.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

No Realist, it isn't about control. It is about protecting ourselves from more pain. They have the choice to follow it or leave , just as they had a choice to cheat or not. If they want to stay in the marriage then they follow it.

 

My husband has followed it since d-day which was almost 3 years ago. I know this for a fact because she pops up once a year finding a new way to contact one of us. By her contact and what she says, I know she is really pissed at him for not contacting her.

 

How does she contact you and what is she expecting from the contact? This makes no sense to me that she would continue to do this.

[Womanscorned]

The other women (OW), your husband, and many of your husband's family and friends, are asking the question "what kind of mother would deny pre-school children daily access to both of their parents, by making the choice to go back to school out of state when they are still this young?" Regardless of what your husband said about it when you discussed it with him, the reality of the situation would make many husbands resent you over the choice that you made here. Also, if you read "His Needs Her Needs" you will see that you allowed the OW the opportunity to meet more of your husbands needs than you. I am not saying this to hurt you, but to let you better understand what you are dealing with. Your husband can be held countable for his actions, but he has little control over his feelings.

Yes, I understand how upsetting this was for him for me to move me and my children to another state. But we did this with the agreement that we would do long distance for a while and work on coming together in the future. I know full well that she was there and I was not. I understand from his end how it all happened, which is why I am doing my best to forgive him.

[Womanscorned]

Yes, I understand how upsetting this was for him for me to move me and my children to another state. But we did this with the agreement that we would do long distance for a while and work on coming together in the future. I know full well that she was there and I was not. I understand from his end how it all happened, which is why I am doing my best to forgive him.

She basically moved in like a vampire and stole my man.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I said closely linked to extortion. It is telling someone else what they can or cannot do or this will happen. Any person being extorted always has the choice, but it is not a free will choice.

 

It is in no way extortion

 

ex·tor·tion (k-stôrshn)

n.

1. The act or an instance of extorting.

2. Illegal use of one's official position or powers to obtain property, funds, or patronage.

3. An excessive or exorbitant charge.

4. Something extorted.

 

See, adults realize that there are limits...children do not..so they test. Adults understand the word reasonable...children do not...so they argue.

 

Not all "adults" are emotionally mature..they still think like impetuous teenagers.

 

NC is not unreasonable in any way shape or form.

[Iguanna]

Nah this man doesn't want to stop seeing the other girl, he just wants to calm you down in order to have his kids and then he'll start again. He probably has a second phone - e-mail already ready to go. You seem too naive. What is wrong with you? Don't you see the obvious?

[Realist3]

I didn't say it was extortion, but the basic premise is very closely linked.

 

Consequences are meted out by someone who has control or seeming control. The person with the 'control' is telling someone else what they can or cannot do.

 

Extortion works in the exact same way. "I am going to mete out consequenses unless you do as I say."

[SincereOnlineGuy]

The only reason I am working to forgive it and move past it with my partner is because we have kids together.

 

 

Am I being unreasonable?

 

 

 

Yes, obviously!

[SerCay]

The short story. My partner who I have two kids with has recently been having a covert affair with my best friend. Neither of them came clean, I knew and pulled it out of my best friend. They both lied, covered up, continued to deceive me, until I confronted them both and they could hide it no more. My partner was very fearful at the thought of losing me and his children. We have been working through it all.

 

I refuse to ever have the best friend in my life in any way, shape or form. The only reason I am working to forgive it and move past it with my partner is because we have kids together.

 

 

There are really only two main things I am asking of him in order to be able to rebuild trust and move forward. A: he must commit to me and only me. He must be faithful. He has agreed to this.

 

 

B: he must completely cut her out of his life. I told him if he sees her in passing, of course he may say hello. But no hanging out together, no phone calls, no intimate secret conversations, etc.

 

 

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

He's pushing your boundaries. BIG TIME.

 

Mr. wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Please leave him. Your kids will be better off without this figure in their life, than having this figure for an example.

If they have him as an example, having his cake and eating it too, imagine how they will perceive how a relationship should be.

Hence, it will screw their relationships up as well.

[SerCay]

She basically moved in like a vampire and stole my man.

 

Nah...your man was ready to be stolen. I totally agree she's a total b*tch because you simply don't go for a taken man. BUT the guy here is the one that was taken. His responsibility.

[Furious]

The short story. My partner who I have two kids with has recently been having a covert affair with my best friend. Neither of them came clean, I knew and pulled it out of my best friend. They both lied, covered up, continued to deceive me, until I confronted them both and they could hide it no more. My partner was very fearful at the thought of losing me and his children. We have been working through it all.

 

I refuse to ever have the best friend in my life in any way, shape or form. The only reason I am working to forgive it and move past it with my partner is because we have kids together.

 

 

There are really only two main things I am asking of him in order to be able to rebuild trust and move forward. A: he must commit to me and only me. He must be faithful. He has agreed to this.

 

 

B: he must completely cut her out of his life. I told him if he sees her in passing, of course he may say hello. But no hanging out together, no phone calls, no intimate secret conversations, etc.

 

 

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

 

 

Unfortunately, you're offering your husband cheap forgiveness and he knows it. Your husband is refusing to give up his cake and has told you so.

 

The only ultimatum, is you handing him his suitcase and wishing him well. Unless you are serious about divorcing him he will remain in limbo.

 

As much as it hurts, you will be avoiding months or years of false reconciliation and look back and wish you'd be more resolute during your initial discovery.

 

It's not as easy to do this, but right now you have to love yourself more than you love a cheater.

[lollipopspot]

To make matters more difficult, my partner and I do not live in the same state. I recently moved out of state for schooling and professional reasons. The town that those two still live in is tiny, and they are bound to run into each other.

 

If you want to save your family, you need to rectify this situation quickly.

 

Distance is not good for relationships or families.

[cat]

Just wanted to add $0.02 here--

 

I inadvertently was the woman. I dated a man who was separated. Newly separated. It was stupid, I shouldn't have... but he left his wife for me, and then our relationship started. We had a public relationship, I met his friends, family, etc. Anyhow... long story short after several months he abruptly went back to his wife and begged her to take him back.

 

He has said he's working on rebuilding his marriage but he still talks to me, tries to have conversations with me when I've specifically asked him to back off, "accidentally" calls my phone... he even offered one time to take my car and get it serviced. Our paths sometimes cross professionally and I remember one day when he brought his dog to see me at work.

 

All I can think of when he even talks to me (let alone the rest of it) is 1) What would your W think if she knew? 2) How can you say that you're rebuilding your marriage when you're still having this kind of contact with me?

 

For what it's worth, it just makes me think he's even more of a spineless coward than I already thought he was.

 

So, I say all that to say that, even from the other side, it's plainly clear that a marriage can't be honestly rebuilt when the OW is still in the picture. There's just no way.

[Try]

Yes, I understand how upsetting this was for him for me to move me and my children to another state.

Although in your first post you did refer to them as "his children", and did say that you had the "two kids with" him, I notice that you have in this thread more often been referring to the 2 young children as "my children". If they are indeed also his biological children, this attitude would indicate to him a very self centered outlook of the world by you, which would allow you to take his children away from him at a very young age; he will never get those years back again, nor the once in a lifetime bonding that goes with living with very young children. If they are not his biological children, then you are denying him the ability to bond with them the way that he could if all of you lived together. You saying that you understanding why he would be upset about all this, just does not cut it, as giving him your understanding is not the same as giving him his family.

 

Just for clarity, are they also his biological children?

 

But we did this with the agreement that we would do long distance for a while and work on coming together in the future. I know full well that she was there and I was not. I understand from his end how it all happened, which is why I am doing my best to forgive him.

You forgiving him will not work if he does not really forgive you for moving out of state and taking the children with you. I also noticed that you referred to him as your "partner" and never as your husband. If you are indeed not married, chose to move yourself and the children out of state and away from him, does he still see the two of you as really being a couple? Edited November 25, 2013 by Try

[ClemsonTigers]

She basically moved in like a vampire and stole my man.

 

Why or how exactly is he your man????

 

You aren't married, right?

 

Sad story, the cheating and all but dating is war. You want him, stop focusing on what he's ethically allowed to do (he's made no vows to you) and instead compete for his affections or cut him loose.

 

Consider this…there are people posting all over the place on this forum who think that can contribute positive marital advice that are actually cheating on their spouses and couldn't care less. Your "partner"/boyfriend is even less inclined to feel any remorse. Guilting him back into your relationship only scares him away more as it's an indication that the punishment will continue relentlessly. He'll never live it down so why bother REALLY committing to you. While insisting on boundaries (no contact for life with the other girl if he wants to continue a relationship with you) is completely reasonable…....expecting him to take responsibility for something he, no doubt, feels entitled to do (date others) isn't right now. That's his side of the street and he won't clean that up until he's head over heals in love with you again and realizes what he almost lost.

[Oberfeldwebel]

She basically moved in like a vampire and stole my man.

 

This statement absolves him of his actions, if you give him a pass and place the blame on her, he is likely to repeat this action. He will get the impression that all he has to do is say he is sorry, promise not to do it again and all is forgiven. He is the one that promised to love, honor, cherish and forsake all others. Do not sweep this under the rug, you two as a minimum need to go to counseling.

[janedoe67]

If anyone ever tried to say I could not talk to this person or that person the relationship would be over right then and there. It is most definitely a form of control.

 

See, I don't have a problem with this. If you were my WH, that would make it very easy for me. My next words would be "Enjoy your new girlfriend. You'll be hearing from my attorney within 72 hours."

 

Easy

 

You made my choice simple

 

I am a FWW, and I cannot fathom anyone who has an ounce of remorse in their veins insisting on still seeing the person with whom they betrayed their marriage. If my best friend molested my child, I wouldn't try to say "well, I'll keep my kids away from them but can they still be my friend????"

 

Good Lord

[beatcuff]

...Am I being unreasonable?

 

i am not so hard lined. if there are professional/family situations BUT ----

 

...He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future...

 

OP re-read this quote about 5 times. i did. WTF "sweetheart", "connection", seriously. 2 bits for his honesty, but if i was a WS and wanted to 're-comitt' to the family that would be the last thing that would cross my mind.

 

now its time for you to say "its me or her"

[stillafool]

She basically moved in like a vampire and stole my man.

 

She didn't steal your man. Your man went willingly. I'm sure her boyfriend is saying the same thing about your husband.

[beach]

The short story. My partner who I have two kids with has recently been having a covert affair with my best friend. Neither of them came clean, I knew and pulled it out of my best friend. They both lied, covered up, continued to deceive me, until I confronted them both and they could hide it no more. My partner was very fearful at the thought of losing me and his children. We have been working through it all.

 

I refuse to ever have the best friend in my life in any way, shape or form. The only reason I am working to forgive it and move past it with my partner is because we have kids together.

 

 

There are really only two main things I am asking of him in order to be able to rebuild trust and move forward. A: he must commit to me and only me. He must be faithful. He has agreed to this.

 

 

B: he must completely cut her out of his life. I told him if he sees her in passing, of course he may say hello. But no hanging out together, no phone calls, no intimate secret conversations, etc.

 

 

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

You've asked him to fulfill what requirements you desire - and he agreed.

 

But it appears he isn't willing to "DO" what you require.

 

 

Looks to me like he still plans to have her in his life.

 

 

Intent is everything. If he intends to keep in touch with her - according to your guidelines (which look reasonable) - he's not willing to work on reconciling.

 

He wants both - that's not going to work.

 

Since he is making his intentions known - you may have another decision to make.

[beach]

She basically moved in like a vampire and stole my man.

 

No, she didn't.

 

He ALLOWED it! He gave evidence that he's a man that will cheat. He has no boundary. He's willing to save her feelings at the expense of hurting you further.

 

He's a jerk.