Do emotionally unavailable dumpers come back?

[thembones]

I think it's a mix of wanting to have fun/not settle down, trying to find the "perfect" person (who does not exist), and the fear of getting hurt. Going by what many others define as emotionally unavailable, I think it is mostly just that in my case. She hated talking about emotions, hardly initiated contact, went missing for days, didn't want to talk about the relationship, would always say maybe when asked yes or no questions, only opened up a little bit during sex, telling me she didn't want anything serious, no real future plans, running when she started to get feelings, etc. Oddly thou, we did make plans for Halloween, but she dipped out on multiple weekends. She even talked about bringing each other a plate from our families thnnksgivings, to try. Things like that kinda perplex me.

 

I actually told her that I didn't feel she wanted to be with me, as she didn't show it. I said she could show she was happy to see me, by giving me a hug when I come over (among other things). But she did. Every time I saw her after that, she was the one to initiate a hug. I always had to kiss her, but it was a start. If I never initiated, I don't know if we ever would have sex or kiss again. I could tell she was really trying. She has 2 kids and the guy cheated on her and left, so that may be where some things stem. Her parents were also never married and she did not really have a father figure. A lot of things add up. I think she really doesn't want to get hurt, so she pushes people away for her (and her kids') safety.

[BC1980]

I think EU and commitment-phobes go hand in hand. One sort of creates the other. I know that I've read a true commitment-phobe will not commit to stay or totally leave. I think GIGS has some bearing too. Maybe someone EU would have GIGS more easily because they would always fear something better was out there.

[Iguanna]

I think it's a mix of wanting to have fun/not settle down, trying to find the "perfect" person (who does not exist), and the fear of getting hurt.

 

I'm sorry but I know nobody who WANTS to get hurt. We all try to find the right person for us and we all have the fear not to be hurt. If someone has intimacy issues they should simply not come close to people who seem that they want a relationship. Thank God there are many many people out there who just want ONS or FB. No need to get involved with people who want to find one person and settle down.

[xUnknown]

Since when do dumpers come back? Emotionaly availabe or not. Cav

 

I went back to my ex when we broke up a few months into our relationship. The girl I fell for for years finally told me she loved me and I went on a break with my ex - lead into a BU a few weeks later. This other girl lived 500+ miles away and I sort of had an "epiphany" moment...like wtf am I doing...I'm passing up this great girl for someone who is so far away that I never see. Went back to my now ex and month later after dating and stuff we were official again.

 

I guess I was waiting for this to happen to her (have that moment on who/what she is passing up with me). I've learned to let go of this hope. But now I realize how selfish, immature and yes, emotionally unavailable she is. A lot of stuff is going on in her life and I could tell back in January things became "off". I just tried to stick with it and work through it. 9 months later, she bailed and said she couldn't do it (distance, lots going on in her life/my life.) She is always trying to get attention from everyone and feels like she is entitled to everything in the relationship. She talked down to me and expected me to treat her like a princess. I did, because I was too blind to see how self absorbed she was. She couldn't open up to me, tell me what was on her mind, sex lacked significantly, lied, talked to her friends about our relationship but not me, wasn't putting in the effort.....in short, SHE didn't deserve ME.

[ponchsox]

They may come back briefly when the are feeling lonely, need you as an emotional crutch, or want sex. After that, they will bail again.

[mutualove]

I wonder if these people do actually find the one they're looking for in the end or not.Do they find THEIR 'the one'?When they get married will they stay in it happily?Or end it?or..??

(Come to think of it in my case she was probably EU with the possibility of GIGS in the end.She couldn't say ILY,EU much?? )

[grayarea]

Read up on Adult Attachment theory. I'm surprised no one in this thread mentioned it. Emotionally unavailable types are hard wired this way from childhood. They develop what's known as an avoidant/dismissive attachment style due to the type of attention they receive from caregivers in the first two years of life. They are often drawn to those of us open types that are anxious/preoccupied attachment style. They are both insecure attachment styles.

 

 

They know they are EU, but won't admit it. They try to keep super busy to keep any feelings at bay and have an easy out if they are feeling too much pressure. I actually think these people are pretty weak even thought they act cold and gutless.

 

You are exactly right. Dismissive/avoidants tend to be busy bodies - very goal oriented people that place emphasis on their independence and how proud they are of it. A regular secure attachment type person can exist in a balance between being emotionally available and being independent.

 

 

Here is one of many articles on the internet about avoidant/dismissive attachment types.

 

Muddling through Mayhem: Adult Attachment Disorders: Dismissive

 

Here's another:

 

Is Your Attachment Style Hurting Your Relationship? | Lisa Firestone

 

From the article: "Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel pseudo-independent, taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts.

Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, "I don't care."

 

 

Take the attachment style quiz.

 

Attachment Style

 

I'd guess you are an anxious-preoccupied. If that's the case, read up on the "anxious-avoidant trap"..

 

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap | aloftyexistence

 

Unfortunately, unless both parties are truly willing to grow and change, genuinely, there's not much hope for these two attachment styles when paired up.

Edited November 26, 2013 by grayarea

[thembones]

Grayarea, the relationship types article was really eye-opening. The Anxious-Avoidant trap is really spot on. I wish I could show it to her lol. I realize why the two types are attracted to each other and why it just does not work. Her being avoidant, along with being EU is not a good combo for someone like myself. She told me once that she gets super stressed out and just wants to be alone. I didn't always want to be around but I was the definition if "walking in eggshells."

 

Thanks to you and everyone for the great insight!!

[grayarea]

Yeah, I was dumped by a dismissive/avoidant a few months ago, and I couldn't understand how she had the strength to just walk away, and act like I was nothing to her. It's amazing, their ability to shut feelings off / detach from them. I stumbled across adult attachment theory and it really opened up my eyes about myself and about her. I want to tell her about it so badly, too.. But she probably wouldn't care the way I'd hope she would, anyway.

[Itspointless]

The descriptions of the dismissive/avoidant attachment type was confronting to read, wasn't expecting this image to fit like a glove Life took over and ****ed things up for her and with that for me It lasted way to short. Cant wrap my head around the fact that she pushed me away, as normally people would reach out when having a hard time. I find that hard to coop as my history is connected with loss in my childhood.

[Softie]

Wow so is my ex