thembones Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Long story short.. Dated a younger woman. She told me she was getting certain, strong feelings for me and then breaks up with me because of that. This was the first time she ever mentioned having feelings for me btw. She said whenever someone gets close, her only reaction is to run away before she lets that person hurt her. I've searched the internet high and low and she has nearly all the signs of an emotionally unavailable person. BUT, I can't get a clear answer to this question: After they have dumped you, do emotionally unavailable people (women in particular) try to come back and start the "relationship" again? If so, why?
Author thembones Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Weird, 17 days NC for me as well.. had to check the calendar. I feel that my ex might date for a short term thing, but she can't handle a real relationship. Thanks for sharing your experience. I am not planning on breaking NC, unless she contacts me with something of substance, like she realized she needed to change and did.
NoMoreJerks Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 (edited) Yes, they might come back, but they might also leave again -- unless they have worked on their emotional unavailability which IMO they can only do if they spend time on their own. Instead, some EU people who don't really want a relationship but are scared of being alone, will yo-yo in and out of your life at whim, and make your life hell. So don't get too excited if they come back. Why would you even want an EU person anyway?!? They are not AVAILABLE. And who knows, if they became available they might not be interested in you anymore. You might just be someone whom they are using to feel better, etc. Eventually you will just feel used and then discarded, and it hurts a lot. Meanwhile, some other woman (or man) might reap the benefits , because the EU who is now emotionally available will pick them over you. Avoid them like the plague. Edited November 24, 2013 by NoMoreJerks 5
2fargone Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 If they come back, nothing will have changed. Then again, it's a nice 'It's not you it's me' excuse, isn't it ? 2
xpaperxcutx Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 It depends on how long you both dated. If you guys dated for 6 months or more, there's a likely chance she will come back. If less than that, then I would assume she was never really emotionally invested.
mutualove Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 She said whenever someone gets close, her only reaction is to run away before she lets that person hurt her. Weird.That's what she said too a couple of weeks ago except she might hurt ME.She said she wouldn't be as much comfortable as she was if we were to become serious,then again it's utter nonsense to me because that would have the exact opposite to me. Anyways I guess there's no telling with these kind of women.
cavalier99 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Since when do dumpers come back? Emotionaly availabe or not. Cav
BruisedBNBroken Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Google the Baggage Reclaim blog. All about emotionally unavailable men (and women). Yes they may come back, but they will just leave again, so keep the door closed, locked, sealed and dead bolted for your own health and sanity. It's a really great blog and explains a lot. 1
BC1980 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Google the Baggage Reclaim blog. All about emotionally unavailable men (and women). Yes they may come back, but they will just leave again, so keep the door closed, locked, sealed and dead bolted for your own health and sanity. It's a really great blog and explains a lot. I agree. This website helped ms understand my ex. He was described down to a tee. It's also important to understand yourself and why you settle for this behavior. 1
carhill Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 After they have dumped you, do emotionally unavailable people (women in particular) try to come back and start the "relationship" again? If so, why? The ones which do, IME, do so because they get something from the interaction. That the interaction is with you, in this case, is incidental. You've merely been identified as a portal of supply and, when in need, the list of portals is brought out and one is selected from the list. IMO, it's not 'personal' because there simply isn't 'personal' with such psychologies. Hence, don't take it 'personally'. You're a flower and they're a bee. If you're in bloom, well there ya go. 4
Author thembones Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 (edited) If they come back, nothing will have changed. Then again, it's a nice 'It's not you it's me' excuse, isn't it ? Yes, in a way it would be nice to know that she really did care and it was really unresolved issues in her past that led to the end. I can at least understand that. I understand that nothing would have changed if she did return. I am just looking for a general idea or some past experiences, if they do try. She would have to make serious effort to change and she is the only one who can want to so that. What scares me is that her last relationship was on again/off again for many years. I can't get caught up in that ****! I only want it back if she had changed and become available for a relationship. Things CAN be so good, but it would take a lot. I do feel slightly used and that does hurt. I like to give the benefit of the doubt, that she really didn't know it would end like it did. Something else interesting she told me was that she felt I wanted someone who I could see a couple times a week and on weekends. She felt that she did not have that much time and was very busy. It feels like she cared about my feelings and was concerned she was not "good enough" for me. I told her I didn't want someone, but I wanted her. Then it came out that she was getting feelings for me and that was enough to run away. I have been to baggage reclaim and it is helpful. Thanks for all of the wonderful responses. If anyone else has some insight or past experience, I'd be glad to hear more. Edited November 24, 2013 by thembones
happy chappy Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I had one in the past. In my case she never returned. She wanted to be friends but then again I didn't want to as she hurt me badly. She was crazy about me and when things were at their peak she run away as fast as she could. I already knew her family before we got together and her uncle told me it was probably for the best. He said to me he loves his niece to bits, but it would have been a difficult and tough future for me and he told me I would have a happier future without her. I wish to say be hopeful as I am an optimist. but in this case I am a realist and most likely it won't work out
ponchsox Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 They might, out of their own selfishness, but they will still be emotionally unavailable. These types do not care about the feelings of others.
ponchsox Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I was just dumped by someone who was emotionally unavailable. I had been unhappy in the relationship in the months leading up to the breakup but I stuck with her. It sucks that I'm single again but my long term happiness is not worth being in a lousy relationship.
2fargone Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Yes, in a way it would be nice to know that she really did care and it was really unresolved issues in her past that led to the end. I can at least understand that. I understand that nothing would have changed if she did return. I am just looking for a general idea or some past experiences, if they do try. She would have to make serious effort to change and she is the only one who can want to so that. What scares me is that her last relationship was on again/off again for many years. I can't get caught up in that ****! I only want it back if she had changed and become available for a relationship. Things CAN be so good, but it would take a lot. I do feel slightly used and that does hurt. I like to give the benefit of the doubt, that she really didn't know it would end like it did. Something else interesting she told me was that she felt I wanted someone who I could see a couple times a week and on weekends. She felt that she did not have that much time and was very busy. It feels like she cared about my feelings and was concerned she was not "good enough" for me. I told her I didn't want someone, but I wanted her. Then it came out that she was getting feelings for me and that was enough to run away. I have been to baggage reclaim and it is helpful. Thanks for all of the wonderful responses. If anyone else has some insight or past experience, I'd be glad to hear more. Read between the lines here.... I've had these type of relationships for the last 12 years. They do come back... They will seem changed. And they will fall back again. Change is hard, takes effort and time.... Faking it won't last. 2
iris219 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Many emotionally unavailable feel relieved when the relationship ends, so it's likely she's feeling so much freedom and relief, she's not thinking about coming back right now. Relationships take effort and that puts a lot of of unwanted pressure on someone with EU. Eventually, if she thinks she can get away with being EU with you, she might come back and get whatever needs she wants fulfilled; then she'll leave again. If you've made clear it you won't stand for it, she's not returning. 4
ponchsox Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 (edited) Many emotionally unavailable feel relieved when the relationship ends, so it's likely she's feeling so much freedom and relief, she's not thinking about coming back right now. Relationships take effort and that puts a lot of of unwanted pressure on someone with EU. Eventually, if she thinks she can get away with being EU with you, she might come back and get whatever needs she wants fulfilled; then she'll leave again. If you've made clear it you won't stand for it, she's not returning. Couldn't have said it better myself. My emotionally unavailable ex GF told me she felt relieved after we broke up despite admitting I was a great guy and she probably blew her future. Her ex husband had abondoned her and pretty much ruined her ability to love and trust men again. Edited November 24, 2013 by ponchsox
BC1980 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I get mad that I let myself get suckered into such a relationship. Honestly, I had never dealt with someone like my ex, so I didn't know what to make of it. He talked such a good game, had me convinced at times that he wanted to get married. He really went as far as he could go with it, but I knew something was off from about 6 months-1 year in. I couldn't really explain it though. A year and a half ago, this guy actually wrote me the sweetest card about how I was the one he wanted to marry, he loved me so much, couldn't wait to start out lives together. He suggest we go pick out rings, so we found a lovely ring. I was over the moon, my family was excited. 2 months later, he comes to me and says he "is pretty much sure" but just not totally sure he wants to get married to me. He needs more time. I was just shocked, and I'm so ashamed that I stayed with this man for one more year. I was going to leave that night and go to my parents' house, but he cried and got me to stay. Said he just couldn't see his life without me. This is just one instance. Does anyone else have any other instances like this? I didn't even realize what EA was until this relationship ended, and I was desperately searching for answers. 1
ponchsox Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I get mad that I let myself get suckered into such a relationship. Honestly, I had never dealt with someone like my ex, so I didn't know what to make of it. He talked such a good game, had me convinced at times that he wanted to get married. He really went as far as he could go with it, but I knew something was off from about 6 months-1 year in. I couldn't really explain it though. A year and a half ago, this guy actually wrote me the sweetest card about how I was the one he wanted to marry, he loved me so much, couldn't wait to start out lives together. He suggest we go pick out rings, so we found a lovely ring. I was over the moon, my family was excited. 2 months later, he comes to me and says he "is pretty much sure" but just not totally sure he wants to get married to me. He needs more time. I was just shocked, and I'm so ashamed that I stayed with this man for one more year. I was going to leave that night and go to my parents' house, but he cried and got me to stay. Said he just couldn't see his life without me. This is just one instance. Does anyone else have any other instances like this? I didn't even realize what EA was until this relationship ended, and I was desperately searching for answers. Yes! My ex GF was text book EU. I was in the same situation. About 8 months into our relationship, something felt wrong and I was about to end it until she briefly started to put in more effort. She always had an excuse and was a great talker. A year later, nothing changed, in fact it got worse. One day, out of the blue, she ended it because she "no longer had time for a relationship." In the very beginning, she warned me she felt jaded and kept telling me how she would probably blow it with me. Later she told me she was surprised I was still with her. They know they are EU, but won't admit it. They try to keep super busy to keep any feelings at bay and have an easy out if they are feeling too much pressure. I actually think these people are pretty weak even thought they act cold and gutless. 3
NoMoreJerks Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 EU people will also drop hints here and there, but only very minor ones, indicating that their heart is not in the relationship -- so minor that you will probably ignore it if you care enough about them. You might've felt like it was something he said when he was feeling down or unsure, which is only human, etc. You will make excuses for him. You will ignore red flags. And they are not usually major major ones (though sometimes they can be). Then, he will blame you for staying, because he "told you so" , in one of those minor insights into his emotional state.. You will then be made to feel guilty / responsible for your own pain. That's how manipulative they can be. Don't let them weasel their way back into a pseudo-relationship with you because I am sure most of them will try once they realize that being alone isn't all that great. They are cake-eaters : they want to have their cake and eat it too. They also feel pretty entitled to it all, like you owe them that, without them putting any effort in. Eventually, this entitlement might also lead them to take freedom in falling onto some other person's penis or into some other woman's vagina and then claiming they never meant to, or that they told you they were so busy that they could not have a "normal" relationship -- will even go so far as to justify their cheating. Unbelievable stuff, but it has happened to me. 8
Iguanna Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 You call them emotionally unavailable, I call the immature people who just want to have fun. It depends on the way you look at it. I would spend zero time for a person like that. 4
NoMoreJerks Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 You call them emotionally unavailable, I call the immature people who just want to have fun. It depends on the way you look at it. I would spend zero time for a person like that. I definitely agree, and I have wondered if EU people are just people who want to put a name to their behavior so that they can get some sympathy for their sh*ttiness and immaturity and inability to commit to one person.. poor them, you know? They've been so hurt, they can't trust anyone anymore, etc. etc. 3
deponie12 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 17 days NC for me too! Weird!!! LOL Hang in there !
BC1980 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 EU people will also drop hints here and there, but only very minor ones, indicating that their heart is not in the relationship -- so minor that you will probably ignore it if you care enough about them. You might've felt like it was something he said when he was feeling down or unsure, which is only human, etc. You will make excuses for him. You will ignore red flags. And they are not usually major major ones (though sometimes they can be). Then, he will blame you for staying, because he "told you so" , in one of those minor insights into his emotional state.. You will then be made to feel guilty / responsible for your own pain. That's how manipulative they can be. Don't let them weasel their way back into a pseudo-relationship with you because I am sure most of them will try once they realize that being alone isn't all that great. They are cake-eaters : they want to have their cake and eat it too. They also feel pretty entitled to it all, like you owe them that, without them putting any effort in. Eventually, this entitlement might also lead them to take freedom in falling onto some other person's penis or into some other woman's vagina and then claiming they never meant to, or that they told you they were so busy that they could not have a "normal" relationship -- will even go so far as to justify their cheating. Unbelievable stuff, but it has happened to me. There were little hints along the way, but the backing out of wanting to marry me a year and a half ago was the big one. I should have left right then and there. WTF was I thinking? His past is messed up, so I see why he is the way he is. He's suffered a lot of loss, so it always made me feel sorry for him. The problem is that some people grow and evolve from their past, make improvements, ect. He is simply content to stew in his own dysfunction. But it's so classic because they always want to leave the door open in case they don't find anything better. They want to play the good guy, so they can come back into your life and act like everything is all good. 3
NoMoreJerks Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 But it's so classic because they always want to leave the door open in case they don't find anything better. They want to play the good guy, so they can come back into your life and act like everything is all good. Yeah, this is a classic. I have to wonder though how much of this is about them having grass is greener syndrome and justifying it by referring to their past. As you said, some people will move on from their past and others are content to wallow in their so-called misery. I do believe they do that because it's just easier (they are lazy and don't want to face up to their problems), but it might also be easier because it allows them to get through life without any responsibilities in a relationship -- if they keep landing one person after another who will buy into their claims about their past, and feel sorry for them and therefore give them as much space as they need. And sometimes, there is no way for us to fact-check their claims, so who knows if they're not lying about it? My ex was a pathological liar, as I discovered, so I am now rethinking all the stuff he told me about his past, right down to his claim that he has trouble trusting women and having relationships because his ex-gf had cheated on him. When I found out he had cheated on me, the first thing I wondered is if he had been the one to cheat on his ex-gf not the other way around. So I guess I am wondering if EU is a real phenomenon or if it's just a symptom of someone who just doesn't want commitment / is a player... 1
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