DesertSun Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 I have something weighing on my mind and am hoping for some advice or thoughts. I have been dating a great man for nearly 9 months. I love him very much and we spend a lot of time together. He recently has stated to me that he loves me as well. This is something that took time to develop but he leaves me notes sometimes and also tells me how much he enjoys and appreciates our relationship. Barely 2 months into our relationship, he took a trip with a male friend to Jamaica. Before leaving he told me he felt guilty going (leaving me behind) and he also acted funky. We got into a tiff on the phone and the call ended ugly. I spent the time he was gone working out to break my stress and spending time with my friends. When he returned he called and I didn't immediately return the call because I was hurt from his comments the call we had before he left. He sent a gift basket to my office apologizing for being rude to me. We did eventually speak again and reconcilled. He said that he missed me and he felt bad for hurting my feelings. Much time has passed since then. The other night, a strange conversation came up and somehow the Jamaica trip came up. I found out that he actually went with a woman to Jamaica, but he said that they just went "as friends" and he never had nor would have interest in her other than as a friend. I was shocked he lied to me. He said he had the trip planned long before we started dating and he did not have sex with or any romance with this woman. She lives in Canada, he and I live in Arizona (do not live together) He said he lied to protect me at the time because he didn't want to risk blowing it altogether with me. He wanted to go and enjoy his planned trip and didn't want it to impact our relationship. I feel a bit befuddled and betrayed. Should I just ignore this at this point since it was a while ago, at a time our relationship was basically new? Or is this something that should be a warning or a deal breaker? I just don't know. I want to believe him that he would never cheat and that he loves me and wouldn't do anything like that at this point. But if he lied once why wouldn't he again? We have come a long way since this trip and to come to this realization at this point is hard for me. Can I trust this man? I appreciate any thoughts or advice.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 If you trust the guy - then you have to let it go. The reality is he never had to tell you the friend was a woman, but he did. It certainly explains the anxiety he was feeling before he left on the trip! Sounds like you simply need to determine if you trust the guy - do you believe it was a platonic trip? Do you believe he is with you exclusively now? From what you've written it sounds like he's earned your trust - but only you can decide that. Best of luck!
Author DesertSun Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 I am just so confused to have had this come up so much later in the relationship.. I feel like it stuck a stick in the spokes
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 he lied to you and was having sex with the canadian canuck chick. trust me one this one. why would he hide it. he could have just told you after 2 months of dating he had a pre-planned trip with some canadian philly.... there is no commmitment after 2 months with someone. most women would have understoood if after 2 months of dating some new dude he said "oh yeah, i planned a trip 4 months ago with this female frioend of mine" he is totally bullshyting you... and I would not trust him as far as I could throw him
Grinning Maniac Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Definately sounds like bull**** to me. I'm with alpha on this one. How exactly did it come up that it was a girl and not a guy?
Author DesertSun Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 It came up when we were having breakfast a few days ago. He mentioned something about a trip he and I are planning to take and we were discussing where to go. Of course Jamaica came up but I said that I didn't want to go there. And that is how the subject came about. I am honestly scared in the back of my mind of this guy now. Funny how one minute all can be great, and the next minute all feels different. I am glad that I know the truth now, it is just a matter of working through it and deciding the right course of action to take. I just don't know if it is right to take it to heart now, this far into a relationship. I agree, a lie is a lie. Alpha is right in what he states. But at the same time, does it always mean someone is going to do it again. If he would have told me way back then the truth, yeah, things may have worked out to be different, but the need to tell me a lie is what bothers me. More than the fact he went with a woman. The lie scares the hell out of me. ugh I spoke to him on the phone last night and although he apologizes up and down and says that he can't change what happened, he does say that he wouldn't lie to me ever again. I just am afraid to fall into a trap of some sort. I want to believe him, all other times he has been straight up with me. Is it possible that it was a one time deal? **edited due to my lack of coffee in the morning**
kirkyswife Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Hi DesertSun Sounds to me like this is weighing heavy on your mind and I can absolutely relate to how you feel. First if you don't mind, can you tell me how old you are? And how old is your man? In my opinion trust is EVERYTHING in a relationship. In my past experiences, once trust was broken the relationship now became a burden - not knowing when and if I could trust the words that came out of this man's mouth. When I love someone I love "hard" - meaning I'm loyal, dedicated and honest. The very foundation of a successful relationship hinges upon the strength of the "friendship" - if we can't be friends we certainly shouldn't be lovers. Do you get what I a saying? I've had some very difficult relationships simply because I didn't trust in my"woman's intuition" and felt that the man I was dealing with deserved the benefit of the doubt - especially during the "honeymoon" stage. I have learned that a woman's intuition never lies to her - your first mind is your right mind. We (women) tend to over-analyze and rationalize the irrational when this person does not deserve that much of consideration. We don't have the luxury of 60's and 70's style Love & Happiness - a lie is a lie, deception is deception, disrespect is disrespect - and this level of drama can and may come back and bite ya in the behind. I realize that nine months seems like a long time when you are in a relationship. You two are developing "history" but if I were in your shoes I would have to take a long hard look at myself and know that I deserve(d) way more respect than this and I would let him know that the fact that he lied for 7 months about vacationing with a female "friend" means that it's highly probable that sex occurred. I wonder how your man would feel and what he would do if the shoes were on the other feet? Would he throw away a 9-month relationship or would he give you the benefit of the doubt? Do you think this is something that you can let slide without infringing upon your self-respect and personal boundaries? If you know in your heart that this is going to stress you out, cut your losses Sweetie and free yourself from unwarranted drama. I hope I've made sense - and I wish you luck! KirkysEx-wife
Author DesertSun Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 What you have said makes perfect sense and in a lot of ways, you hit the nail on the head. I am 26 and he is 34 to answer the age question. I agree with your comments on intuition and how a lie is a lie etc. A lot of your points are absolutely correct, it is just hard to sort out when you feel so deceived (unknowingly) for months. I know that our relationship isn't that long in terms of timing, but yes, it is like there is a history there and this lie makes me wonder if our relationship is a farse. I wonder if it means anything to him I also think on some scale he may have told me or came clean to me because he felt that he had to clear his concious in order to move forward? I dont know because I really do not understand the male pysche. It also could be a guilt issue with him. But maybe he felt that he had to come clean for a more honest reason. I always do tend to want to see the best in people and that is probably not always good. I too also fall hard like you do. So it is hard for me to understand the lack of loyalty love and trust that other people have, but at the same time I know that the majority of people do not see it important to demonstrate those qualities. I am very old world in my head in that honor and loyalty are of the highest importance to me. I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would be beyond upset. He wouldn't like it at all if I lied or held a secret like this for any amount of time. He is not a possessive guy but he is like any other male in that he does not want another man to be with his woman. It would upset him greatly if that happened. I think that I probably just need to simplify my thinking like you say and not beat this into the ground. I guess it all just boils down to do I or don't I trust him? It is just hard to think of killing what seemed to be a wonderful relationship for 9 months over something that happened like 7 months ago. He treats me so well other than this and of late has come to be so much more loving and open that before so it just makes it all the more harder. I think what has happened is he has come to love me, and maybe that is why he felt he had to part with that secret. I don't know. It is just so sad to me because I have come to love and cherish this man and what we had together and to find this out now is just devastating.
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