lyeex Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 He broke up with me 5 days ago. We were together for 5 months, but knew eachother for almost 4 years now. For the past two years, he has been very depressed, negative, and overall a very unhappy person. He hasn't worked in over a year, except for a few weeks. He has no motivation to better himself. He tries, but then gives up. He went back to school but dropped out a few weeks later. He says he'll go back in january. He started working out (he's unhappy with his body, he's gained a lot of weight since ive known him) but stops going for weeks at a time. He drinks probably 4 nights a week, which doesnt help him and he admits to it, but still has yet to stop. When he broke up with me he said that our relationship was unhealthy and that we needed to part ways. I left his place and went NC. I was always there for him, did what i could to make him happy but he never truely was ever happy. He would tell me i could find someone better, that he was broken and not a good boyfriend. I reassured him that i loved him but knew i shouldnt be with him. It was an extremely toxic, unhealthy relationship no matter how much i loved him. He drunk dialed and texted me the night he broke up with me. I ignored it. I told him that i'm heartbroken two days later. He never responded and i havent heard from him or tried contacting him since (3 days ago). I've been thinking a lot. I've been crying on and off. I'm trying my best to move on and not go back to him. I want a healthy relationship, and i know he can't give me that when he's not even happy or healthy himself. Any advice?
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Hello. I am someone who slips in and out of depression easily, and have problems with self-esteem and motivation. I have Inattentive ADHD which contributes to my laziness while my avoidant patterns keep me wanting to hide from my problems. Maybe he has a disorder that is making it difficult to navigate life. He should really talk to a mental health professional. Only you can be sure if someone like that is right for you. He's got some work to do if he's ever to reach a better place. Try to accept that it's supposed to hurt, you are going to feel a little crazy sometimes, and it is a process that takes time. Give it that time without acting on your emotions. How much does he drink? I know if I have more than 2 beers at a time that it throws me off the next day reducing my enjoyment of life. In my 20s I could drink a case of beer or a 5th of whiskey in a night but in my 30s, no way. I used alcohol to deal with depression and anxiety. It killed my social anxiety but the negative effects were not worth it. 1
sun1972 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 In all honesty i know you love him, but id go NC and move on ..as you suggested. If things are already toxic 5 months in (honeymoon period when you should barely emerge from bed) things arent working at all 1
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Hello. I am someone who slips in and out of depression easily, and have problems with self-esteem and motivation. I have Inattentive ADHD which contributes to my laziness while my avoidant patterns keep me wanting to hide from my problems. Maybe he has a disorder that is making it difficult to navigate life. He should really talk to a mental health professional. Only you can be sure if someone like that is right for you. He's got some work to do if he's ever to reach a better place. Try to accept that it's supposed to hurt, you are going to feel a little crazy sometimes, and it is a process that takes time. Give it that time without acting on your emotions. How much does he drink? I know if I have more than 2 beers at a time that it throws me off the next day reducing my enjoyment of life. In my 20s I could drink a case of beer or a 5th of whiskey in a night but in my 30s, no way. I used alcohol to deal with depression and anxiety. It killed my social anxiety but the negative effects were not worth it. I guess I wasn't clear in my post, I also think NC is the best way to go. What I have in bold is in the context of breaking up and taking the time for you. 1
Author lyeex Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Thanks for responding. He does have anxiety but doesnt take medication for it anymore. He ends up abusing pills if he has them so he tries to stay away from them. He normally drinks 10-18 beers on the nights that he drinks. He drinks to self-medicate although its obviously only making him worse. Should i give up any hope? I know he needs to better himself before being in a relationship. I get scared that he really ended it with me to be with someone else, and just used his depression as an excuse.. I have no proof that he's seeing someone else or that he'd even be capable with his depression, but that thought keeps popping up in my head. I've seen what a mess he is, but for some reason now that i'm gone i keep imagining him living a happy life with no depression and a new girl. I also think he ended it with me because we were talking about living together and kids and marriage a lot more, and he didnt want any of that at this point in his life and he knew how badly i wanted those things within the next few years.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Thanks for responding. He does have anxiety but doesnt take medication for it anymore. He ends up abusing pills if he has them so he tries to stay away from them. He normally drinks 10-18 beers on the nights that he drinks. He drinks to self-medicate although its obviously only making him worse. Should i give up any hope? I know he needs to better himself before being in a relationship. I get scared that he really ended it with me to be with someone else, and just used his depression as an excuse.. I have no proof that he's seeing someone else or that he'd even be capable with his depression, but that thought keeps popping up in my head. I've seen what a mess he is, but for some reason now that i'm gone i keep imagining him living a happy life with no depression and a new girl. I also think he ended it with me because we were talking about living together and kids and marriage a lot more, and he didnt want any of that at this point in his life and he knew how badly i wanted those things within the next few years. Ok. Let's say your fears are true... that he fell out of love with you, became depressed and wants to end it so he can be with someone who makes him happy. You wouldn't want to be with him in this case either. In both cases, you know he isn't right for you. You may never be sure and always doubt this. What's more important is your happiness and it doesn't seem to be with this person. 2
soccerrprp Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Should i give up any hope? I know he needs to better himself before being in a relationship. I get scared that he really ended it with me to be with someone else, and just used his depression as an excuse.. MOVE ON. He is not in a good place for you or anyone else. If he does use it as an excuse, that's another clear reason why you should leave. Give yourself the chance to be happy and staying with him or going back to him is NOT the way. SO many people make the tragic mistake of staying with or going back to people who are not good for them. Don't be among those ranks. 2
LadyM Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 When someone is upfront and tells you that he's broken, not a good boyfriend and you can do better than him, believe him. Hopefully, one day he will get himself together, but this is not someone you want to be planning a future with right now. He probably does not have a new girl and his depression did not suddenly disappear overnight. We make up stories in our heads that have nothing to do with reality. (I do it too, so I know!) Even if he does have a new girl, in his condition, it is more than likely not to last. Give yourself time to heal. I know you'll find someone better for you!! 2
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 If you leave him he will become even more depressed or...? That's really unfortunate Maybe leave him for half a year, sort yourself out and see if he changes? 1
Author lyeex Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Thanks everyone. I am trying my hardest to move on. He's leaving me with no other choice anyway. It's already been almost a week since we broke up and 4 days since hes tried contacting me. I just miss him...
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