koncreterose Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I broke up with my boyfriend today. We'd been together for two years but we always had issues with me not feeling like we spent enough time together. And that's an issue that had been going on for a large portion of our relationship. We're both in college (I'm working on my graduate degree while he's in undergrad and he also works) and we would see each other once every two weeks most of the time or sometimes even three or four weeks would pass before I saw him. We live like 15 minutes away from one another but he would often say he was too busy. Last week he told me that he was having a problem with our relationship because he 'understands why I criticize him about this but he doesn't know how to change it.' I told him to take some time to think about it and didn't hear from him for a week. He finally texted me yesterday (my birthday and our two year anniversary) to just say 'happy birthday'. I asked if he'd come to any resolution with what he was thinking about and he told me no, he hadn't really thought about it deeply yet. So I was upset because he hadn't spoken to me all week for no reason at all then. We had a long conversation that pretty much equaled me saying 'i need us to spend more time together, i need you to put in as much effort as i do, we need to go out sometimes (note: we haven't been out in a year. literally. yesterday was our anniversary and i got no mention of it, even though i've told him before that not going out bothers me) and him saying that he understood what I was saying, I was right to feel that way, he was wrong, but he couldn't make any guarantees that things would change. So I told him I was done and that's the end of my story. I feel like I did the right thing but everything's really fresh right now so I'm just hurt and feeling bad. Writing this out helped. Any thoughts?
Armyguy123 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I broke up with my boyfriend today. We'd been together for two years but we always had issues with me not feeling like we spent enough time together. And that's an issue that had been going on for a large portion of our relationship. We're both in college (I'm working on my graduate degree while he's in undergrad and he also works) and we would see each other once every two weeks most of the time or sometimes even three or four weeks would pass before I saw him. We live like 15 minutes away from one another but he would often say he was too busy. Last week he told me that he was having a problem with our relationship because he 'understands why I criticize him about this but he doesn't know how to change it.' I told him to take some time to think about it and didn't hear from him for a week. He finally texted me yesterday (my birthday and our two year anniversary) to just say 'happy birthday'. I asked if he'd come to any resolution with what he was thinking about and he told me no, he hadn't really thought about it deeply yet. So I was upset because he hadn't spoken to me all week for no reason at all then. We had a long conversation that pretty much equaled me saying 'i need us to spend more time together, i need you to put in as much effort as i do, we need to go out sometimes (note: we haven't been out in a year. literally. yesterday was our anniversary and i got no mention of it, even though i've told him before that not going out bothers me) and him saying that he understood what I was saying, I was right to feel that way, he was wrong, but he couldn't make any guarantees that things would change. So I told him I was done and that's the end of my story. I feel like I did the right thing but everything's really fresh right now so I'm just hurt and feeling bad. Writing this out helped. Any thoughts? Sounds like he clocked out of the romantic part of the relationship a long time ago. My ex did the same thing, started distancing herself making me carry all the weight then ended up making me the villain, when it was her the whole time. It sucks finding out the person you cared about for 2 years isn't that person anymore. I made sure to make time for my ex while balancing academics, military, fraternity. If he cared he'd find time. You made the right call. Find a person who loves you unconditionally, that's my dream, but I need to get over my ex first; I've been struggling for 4 months so it just takes time. Use these forums but don't get addicted I find myself getting addicted to them and searching for answers here. Remember every break up is different and this is just average peoples advice not expert opinions. Best to ya. Stay strong! 1
Acacia98 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I feel like I did the right thing but everything's really fresh right now so I'm just hurt and feeling bad. Writing this out helped. Any thoughts? You did the right thing. There really is no reason why someone who WANTS to spend time with you and lives 15 minutes away would have to think hard about making it happen or make it seem like Mission Impossible. When people are 100% invested in a relationship, they would move heaven and earth (figuratively, lol) to spend time with the person they love. This particular guy's heart just wasn't in it. When you're ready to start dating again, keep looking until you find somebody who wants the same kind of relationship you do and wants that relationship with you. 1
Author koncreterose Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Thanks you guys. That made me feel a bit better. This will take a while to get over but I did what I had to do to make myself happy. So I'll focus on myself and hopefully I'll find a great guy one day. Wish you both the best as well 2
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 When you broke up with him was he bothered? I got into a situation like your boyfriend too, I stopped talking to my ex on that deep emotional level. I had insecurity issues with her and I was going through a tough time too. I still loved her like I always have but didn't show it. I don't think a week is long enough at all for him to realize he needs to change something. Even after my ex broke up with me it took me two months to realize my weaknesses and why I was unhappy. When she broke up with me it was like a wake up call but anyways I lost her. I'm just trying to find positivity again and be a stronger version of myself. I do miss her and love her but she doesn't believe it or doesn't care anymore. She thinks I'll cause' her to be unhappy which is fair enough. 1
SerCay Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 OP, 1 question I want to ask you; does your (ex)boyfriend go out with his buddy's? Does he have hobby's or other interests that he does find the time to to do?
LadyM Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 You absolutely made the right move! From your post, there are SO many signs that he just wasn't that into you. Now you have the freedom to find someone who will love you and show it everyday. You gave yourself a gift by ending the relationship with him. Not easy, but well done! 1
soccerrprp Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Good you left him. He wasn't serious about you from the start it seems. 15-minutes away and excuses for not being able to see you more than once every 2-weeks????? What?! When someone is into you, that should not be happening unless you are in a true LDR. Forget about whether he had hobbies and buddies. No way you neglect someone like he was if he was really into being with you. Crazy.... 1
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Yeah if my ex was 15 mins away I wouldn't of stayed away like that. She was like 300 miles though.
Author koncreterose Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 OP, 1 question I want to ask you; does your (ex)boyfriend go out with his buddy's? Does he have hobby's or other interests that he does find the time to to do? He hasn't been going out with his friends much lately (to my knowledge at least) but he lives with a few of his good friends so he did spend time watching the game with them or playing video games or just hanging out with them at home sometimes. There would also be instances of them having friends over for certain weekends and on those weekends I definitely wouldn't see him. And there's been a few instances where he would just be at home doing nothing and wouldn't 'think' to invite me over. Once, a few days after we had this conversation about spending time together again, I texted him to see what he was doing and he told me he was at home watching tv so I asked why he didn't invite me over since he wasn't doing anything and he said he hadn't thought of it. Another time he said he was at home hanging out with his roommates but didn't invite me over. When I asked why he didn't, he told me I should've asked (although I've been asking for more of his time for about half of our relationship). There was another time that we hadn't seen each other in a wk and I asked if he had anything to do that evening and he said no. So I asked him could he pick me up so we could hang out and he told me "not to be rude, but I didn't say you could come over. I just want to be alone." He said it was because he had a bad day and needed to think but my feelings were still hurt.
Author koncreterose Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 When you broke up with him was he bothered? I got into a situation like your boyfriend too, I stopped talking to my ex on that deep emotional level. I had insecurity issues with her and I was going through a tough time too. I still loved her like I always have but didn't show it. I don't think a week is long enough at all for him to realize he needs to change something. Even after my ex broke up with me it took me two months to realize my weaknesses and why I was unhappy. When she broke up with me it was like a wake up call but anyways I lost her. I'm just trying to find positivity again and be a stronger version of myself. I do miss her and love her but she doesn't believe it or doesn't care anymore. She thinks I'll cause' her to be unhappy which is fair enough. I didn't give him a week to change his behavior. This is something that I have been telling him for a long portion of our relationship. He's known for a long time that not spending time together bothered me. So he definitely had enough time to figure out what to do about it. The week that I referred to in my original post just referred to last week where HE said he needed time to think about why he couldn't change. So I left him alone and waited for him to get back to me. He did a week later but told me he hadn't really thought about it deeply yet. So I was upset because this is a big deal in our relationship and over the course of a week of not speaking to me, you didn't even think about it? (just clarification)
SerCay Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 He hasn't been going out with his friends much lately (to my knowledge at least) but he lives with a few of his good friends so he did spend time watching the game with them or playing video games or just hanging out with them at home sometimes. There would also be instances of them having friends over for certain weekends and on those weekends I definitely wouldn't see him. And there's been a few instances where he would just be at home doing nothing and wouldn't 'think' to invite me over. Once, a few days after we had this conversation about spending time together again, I texted him to see what he was doing and he told me he was at home watching tv so I asked why he didn't invite me over since he wasn't doing anything and he said he hadn't thought of it. Another time he said he was at home hanging out with his roommates but didn't invite me over. When I asked why he didn't, he told me I should've asked (although I've been asking for more of his time for about half of our relationship). There was another time that we hadn't seen each other in a wk and I asked if he had anything to do that evening and he said no. So I asked him could he pick me up so we could hang out and he told me "not to be rude, but I didn't say you could come over. I just want to be alone." He said it was because he had a bad day and needed to think but my feelings were still hurt. There are 2 options here: - He loves you but he's taking you for granted or - He couldn't care less whether he has a gf or not Only you can now if he truly loves you or not..and the answer to that will give you your answer of which one it is, taking for granted or not caring eitherway, you should back off. Back off and start doing things for yourself, with friends, hobbies, pets, be unavailable. I know it sounds childish, but only this way you will see whether he's going to miss you or not. If he remains the same, I would tell him goodbye and you will already be used to doing your own thing, so it won't bother you much. If he realizes he misses you and starts being available, then you've opened his eyes and he really loves you. I've been in this situation long ago OP and it SUCKS to be looking forward to being with someone, and that person is in his own world and not even missing you. That's why I wanted to know whether he was seeing his friends or not, if he weren't I would say it's just his style,but now I hear he IS seeing his friends, just you he's excluding, so you should take action. To be very honest? I dont think it will ever work out. It might seem to work out, but a person that is so up in his own world and so mucj excluding his partner, will always remain the same. there's all kinds of reasons for this from avoidant personality disorder to I dont know what other attachment problems...I can tell because I've been through the same kind of thing. I was with my bf for 3 years. He was also avoidant. From time to time he would be with me every day, then last week for example, when he knew I was coming home from work, and he asked me to meet up, he just started cooking dinner for himself and his dad when I came from work and he didnt even feel the need to cancel. So yeah, he will always be like that.
Author koncreterose Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Strangely enough he texted me on Thanksgiving and we had a perfectly civil conversation. He texted me again two nights later but I was sleep so I didn't answer. I finally asked why he had been contacting me lately and he said that he didn't think we had any bad blood; I made a decision and he accepted it. That's all he could do. So I was pissed and went off on him (what do you mean that was all you could do? You could've changed your behavior or made time for me if it was important to you). He called me the following night I guess looking for an apology (he didn't get one because I meant everything I said). I asked why he couldn't change and he said he didn't really know but that it wasn't personal, he just chills or doesn't think to invite me over when he's free. But it's not done maliciously. What? Makes no sense to me. I'm not a guy so maybe I'm missing something? What does that even mean?
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