Been in RS since I was 16. Now 22 and need some insight.

[Janni]

Hey guys.

 

So, I was with my ex from I turned 16 till I turned 22. We've been broken up for 4 months now and it was horrible, but I'm doing better.

 

Trying to get over the BU I went out for some social events and made new friends. One guy is really sweet and I feel some chemistry between us. BUT, I have never really dated. I've never tried the whole "meeting someone, flirting, dating"-thing. So I need some advice.

 

We've only been out once, for the social event. Since then I just wanted to stay casual because of my fairly recent BU, despite the fact that I kinda liked this guy a bit already. He contacted me on facebook and started showing interest as well, so we've talked about meeting up again and get to know each other.

 

I just have no clue how to act, what we could do (go to the movies, yeah, but what else?) On top of that I'm obviously a bit concerned that I'm still misintepreting this whole thing, that he might just want to hook up, but nothing serious or that something else is not as I interpret it.

 

I feel a bit pathetic for being so clueless, but yeah. I hope you guys will talk with me about this thing and just help me understand/evolve/learn about dating.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Basically there's nothing for you to do, you just simply go.

 

If the guy is interested then he'll pursue you...you're not going to be able to just tell what his "intentions" are until it's too late with your knowledge of men at this time.

 

You just go, if he likes you he'll put on the moves and try to bed you, maybe that night, maybe two dates from now...you'll get laid and probably think it's amazing, he'll either stick around if he likes you enough or just disappear and fall off the face of the earth...you'll feel bad about it, hurt because you thought he wanted something more and you really felt a "connection"...you'll be upset about it for two weeks and then you're over it, you meet another guy who you think is really sweet and you have chemistry with..rinse and repeat this cycle until one of them sticks around.

 

That's pretty much the gist of how women date men at your age, trying to figure out how men work and think without every really thinking that deeply about things or even understanding how men work, it's mostly just emotional whining...you'll just come up with all these weird theories/reasons with your female friends that never make any sense with men, of why things don't work out and then just move on.

 

If you're "lucky" as women like to refer to it often times...he'll stick around and you'll feel like you did everything right and it was just easy.

 

But then you'll have some other questions that you're "confused" about down the road, then that's when you learn and can receive advice that just might stick...but probably not.

Edited November 23, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Janni]

Basically there's nothing for you to do, you just simply go.

 

If the guy is interested then he'll pursue you...you're not going to be able to just tell what his "intentions" are until it's too late with your knowledge of men at this time.

 

You just go, if he likes you he'll put on the moves and try to bed you, maybe that night, maybe two dates from now...you'll get laid and probably think it's amazing, he'll either stick around if he likes you enough or just disappear and fall off the face of the earth...you'll feel bad about it, hurt because you thought he wanted something more and you really felt a "connection"...you'll be upset about it for two weeks and then you're over it, you meet another guy who you think is really sweet and you have chemistry with..rinse and repeat this cycle until one of them sticks around.

 

That's pretty much the gist of how women date men at your age, trying to figure out how men work and think without every really thinking that deeply about things or even understanding how men work, it's mostly just emotional whining...you'll just come up with all these weird theories/reasons with your female friends that never make any sense with men, of why things don't work out and then just move on.

 

If you're "lucky" as women like to refer to it often times...he'll stick around and you'll feel like you did everything right and it was just easy.

 

But then you'll have some other questions that you're "confused" about down the road, then that's when you learn and can receive advice that just might stick...but probably not.

 

I appreciate your answer and you're probably right, but it really scares me even more.

 

I have only ever had sex with my ex. So this especially terrifies me and I am pretty sure I won't be able to cross that line with him or any other guy within a couple of dates.

 

I guess I just hoped someone could give me some sort of guideline - This is how he acts if he's serious and this is when he just wants to get some. But of course nothing like that exists.

 

This situation really terrifies me.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I appreciate your answer and you're probably right, but it really scares me even more.

 

Well it's not going to be scary once you're actually hanging out with the person, and if he's good at making you feel comfortable then you'll feel relaxed enough...especially when there's chemistry, it's very easy to transition into the next stage of intimacy.

 

It's like meeting anywhere else, would you be scared about meeting new people for the rest of your life? or going on job interviews? or doing something new at school/work?

 

You're going to have to do this for the rest of your life, being a good judge of character, being secure in yourself and having some confidence will go a long way in every facet of life.

 

The worst thing you could do is go into this situation nervous and just scared of being "accepted" and in need of "validation" because you already feel like something is wrong with you or you're worried about a guy not liking you...then that just makes you easy prey for any guy to take advantage of you or in life for that matter.

 

Focus your strengths not your weaknesses and just take it one step at a time where you feel comfortable, don't feel like you're overwhelmed or too nervous...you're just talking to someone new, pace yourself and be in control of what you are doing.

 

And remember you don't know the "good" from the "bad" just by meeting a guy and having these simply human nature feelings of attraction, give things time...all things show their true colors in time, everyone is nice in the beginning.

 

I have only ever had sex with my ex. So this especially terrifies me and I am pretty sure I won't be able to cross that line with him or any other guy within a couple of dates.

 

It's important to be communicative and vocal about how you feel and your needs...without giving away too much personal details.

 

Go on the "date" or hang out, but if he tries to push and make a move...even if you like the guy, tell him you'd like to get to know him better and appreciates if he takes things slow.

 

Try not to talk about your past unless asked, and then just keep it brief.

 

Get to know his character, find out what he's looking for and see what he's doing with his life...find out about the person you're talking to instead of just feeling all the nerves and butterflies as you date or hang out together.

 

Don't feel pressure to do this or that because you don't want to lose a guys interest, that's the worst thing women do and that lets a guy know he's got the power...and you don't want men to have the power over you because trust should be earned not given.

 

I guess I just hoped someone could give me some sort of guideline - This is how he acts if he's serious and this is when he just wants to get some. But of course nothing like that exists.

 

This situation really terrifies me.

 

Men act like they're serious even when they are not...they fake being into you and feeling this genuine feeling, especially when women are staring into you just waiting for you to say the right thing, it only takes a man that's willing to say whatever it takes...or even worse, you're so into him you care less because you've already got your mind made up and ignore any signs that would point otherwise, men know when they've got a gullible push-over on their hands and many can't help but take advantage of it.

 

Just remember this guy has no idea how you feel or who you are...so what you show him and express is what he is going to understand. Act and feel insecure and scared and guess what he's going to read?

 

So try to build yourself up, erase those fears and vulnerabilities that are going to make you a naive/gullible push-over, even if you don't know what you're doing act like you do...find the balance within yourself rationally and emotionally before you are already in a fantasy with a guy that you don't even know. Because it really doesn't matter, your own insecurities are only going to make you easy.

 

If it terrifies you then don't go on the date, if you know you're not ready then don't put yourself in a situation you know you aren't ready for...don't push yourself and force yourself into situations where you don't know anything about what you are doing...go out with friends, learn to a flirt with men or make new acquaintances without jumping into the fire again with a new romantic interest because chances are high you will be chewed up and spit out.

 

Take steps instead of leaps, give yourself time to get over your last relationship and reflect on yourself and your life, get yourself together...the stronger and wiser you are the more difficult it is for you to fall into these love traps...like rebounding being the most common.

 

But guess what...like most women you will probably not listen, you will ignore your intuition and gut feeling, you will know 90 percent something is a bad idea but that curiosity takes over and you make the leap anyway because you want to go with dumb luck...and once you get emotionally involved with a guy your brain goes right out the window and you're like a drooling zombie walking down the street like you've got no self-control or power over your own life or emotions.

 

Right now you just want someone to tell you it's going to be ok, and here are some simple rules and guidelines of how to do this, that and the other thing like a quick diet loss plan. But guess what, those experiences and wisdom come from YOUR DECISIONS, you're in the drivers seat of your life...including your romantic life.

 

You want to know the best guiding light you have? it's knowing yourself, being self-aware, knowing your strengths and weaknesses and taking responsibility for yourself...listen to your intuition and your gut, that's what is going to dictate your successes and failures.

[mishy]

Since you have been in a relationship since you wee 16 I would actually advise you to take a break and actually find out what it's like to be single.

 

Otherwise if you continue being in relationships, with no break, one day you will get to 35 or something and find yourself single, and have absolutely no sense of independence, or who you are as a person.

[Kate9292]

Don't rush into another relationship. Date around and see what else is out there. Tell this new guy that too. Hopefully he'll get the message.

[Janni]

Well it's not going to be scary once you're actually hanging out with the person, and if he's good at making you feel comfortable then you'll feel relaxed enough...especially when there's chemistry, it's very easy to transition into the next stage of intimacy.

 

It's like meeting anywhere else, would you be scared about meeting new people for the rest of your life? or going on job interviews? or doing something new at school/work?

 

You're going to have to do this for the rest of your life, being a good judge of character, being secure in yourself and having some confidence will go a long way in every facet of life.

 

The worst thing you could do is go into this situation nervous and just scared of being "accepted" and in need of "validation" because you already feel like something is wrong with you or you're worried about a guy not liking you...then that just makes you easy prey for any guy to take advantage of you or in life for that matter.

 

Focus your strengths not your weaknesses and just take it one step at a time where you feel comfortable, don't feel like you're overwhelmed or too nervous...you're just talking to someone new, pace yourself and be in control of what you are doing.

 

And remember you don't know the "good" from the "bad" just by meeting a guy and having these simply human nature feelings of attraction, give things time...all things show their true colors in time, everyone is nice in the beginning.

 

 

 

It's important to be communicative and vocal about how you feel and your needs...without giving away too much personal details.

 

Go on the "date" or hang out, but if he tries to push and make a move...even if you like the guy, tell him you'd like to get to know him better and appreciates if he takes things slow.

 

Try not to talk about your past unless asked, and then just keep it brief.

 

Get to know his character, find out what he's looking for and see what he's doing with his life...find out about the person you're talking to instead of just feeling all the nerves and butterflies as you date or hang out together.

 

Don't feel pressure to do this or that because you don't want to lose a guys interest, that's the worst thing women do and that lets a guy know he's got the power...and you don't want men to have the power over you because trust should be earned not given.

 

 

 

Men act like they're serious even when they are not...they fake being into you and feeling this genuine feeling, especially when women are staring into you just waiting for you to say the right thing, it only takes a man that's willing to say whatever it takes...or even worse, you're so into him you care less because you've already got your mind made up and ignore any signs that would point otherwise, men know when they've got a gullible push-over on their hands and many can't help but take advantage of it.

 

Just remember this guy has no idea how you feel or who you are...so what you show him and express is what he is going to understand. Act and feel insecure and scared and guess what he's going to read?

 

So try to build yourself up, erase those fears and vulnerabilities that are going to make you a naive/gullible push-over, even if you don't know what you're doing act like you do...find the balance within yourself rationally and emotionally before you are already in a fantasy with a guy that you don't even know. Because it really doesn't matter, your own insecurities are only going to make you easy.

 

If it terrifies you then don't go on the date, if you know you're not ready then don't put yourself in a situation you know you aren't ready for...don't push yourself and force yourself into situations where you don't know anything about what you are doing...go out with friends, learn to a flirt with men or make new acquaintances without jumping into the fire again with a new romantic interest because chances are high you will be chewed up and spit out.

 

Take steps instead of leaps, give yourself time to get over your last relationship and reflect on yourself and your life, get yourself together...the stronger and wiser you are the more difficult it is for you to fall into these love traps...like rebounding being the most common.

 

But guess what...like most women you will probably not listen, you will ignore your intuition and gut feeling, you will know 90 percent something is a bad idea but that curiosity takes over and you make the leap anyway because you want to go with dumb luck...and once you get emotionally involved with a guy your brain goes right out the window and you're like a drooling zombie walking down the street like you've got no self-control or power over your own life or emotions.

 

Right now you just want someone to tell you it's going to be ok, and here are some simple rules and guidelines of how to do this, that and the other thing like a quick diet loss plan. But guess what, those experiences and wisdom come from YOUR DECISIONS, you're in the drivers seat of your life...including your romantic life.

 

You want to know the best guiding light you have? it's knowing yourself, being self-aware, knowing your strengths and weaknesses and taking responsibility for yourself...listen to your intuition and your gut, that's what is going to dictate your successes and failures.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It really helps. I might come across as vulnerable and weak here, but in real life I don't. I am mostly very self-confident and independent. Though, I use this thread to open up about my insecurities, instead of doing it in my everyday life.

 

I have been seeing a therapist and found out, that I kinda suffer from anxiety. Nothing bad and no panic attacks, but I get really anxious and nervous when I have to do stuff I've never done before - Like going to a new exam, travelling or meeting up with people I don't know very well.

 

I am working on it though - And I met this guy when I went out all by myself to an event with all new people, to try and fight my anxiety.

 

You say, that I'll probably act "stupid" (My translation of your description) But I don't think I will. Mostly because I stayed in m last relationship waaay longer than I should have and I've learned from it. I won't make that mistake again and even if it's only been four months since the break up and two months since we really stopped talking and dating, I have evolved so much. I am focusing a lot on becoming independent again, doing only what I want to do, and basically putting myself first. I haven't done that in over 7 years.

 

Again, your post really helped me see the situation with fresh eyes and understand that it wont help me to get upset or anxious already and that if this guy is worth being around, he will understand my situation and have patience.

 

I hope to make it clear, to everyone reading this thread, that I am not looking to jump into a new relationship. I am only letting things happen if they are supposed to - Not pushing anything. I stay friendly and try to get to know this guy. I've thought that maybe I'll suggest we meet up at Starbucks, if he asks to meet up, again. To keep it casual, friendly and relaxed.

 

Since you have been in a relationship since you wee 16 I would actually advise you to take a break and actually find out what it's like to be single.

 

Otherwise if you continue being in relationships, with no break, one day you will get to 35 or something and find yourself single, and have absolutely no sense of independence, or who you are as a person.

 

Don't rush into another relationship. Date around and see what else is out there. Tell this new guy that too. Hopefully he'll get the message.

 

I completely understand what you're both saying. My ex was like that and still is. He hasn't been single since he turned 16 either (Now 25) always having some girl by his side - As a gf or just keeping her hooked but without the commitment.

 

And I know how this looks, but I am aware of the situation and I want to feel 100% comfortable alone. Feeling strong and confident without relying on someone else. I am not looking for a new RS and I'm not looking for anything serious - I am taking things slow and seeing where it's going. Basically going by the phrase "If it's ment to be, it will be." So I do not contact him, I only answer if he contacts me. I keep an open mind and I am friendly towards him. I won't be pushing this to become anything.

 

My top priority right now is myself. I am the single most important person in my life and I am working on prioritizing myself. So, I won't be jumping into another relationship. Though I don't want to close the door on this either, since he's a really great guy. But I will get to know him before even considering a relationship.

 

Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps.

[Kate9292]

So I do not contact him, I only answer if he contacts me. I keep an open mind and I am friendly towards him. I won't be pushing this to become anything.

 

You do not have to "not contact" him. You can contact him as much as you want as long as you know what you want and he does too.

 

My top priority right now is myself. I am the single most important person in my life and I am working on prioritizing myself. So, I won't be jumping into another relationship. Though I don't want to close the door on this either, since he's a really great guy. But I will get to know him before even considering a relationship.

 

You have a right idea here.

[Janni]

You do not have to "not contact" him. You can contact him as much as you want as long as you know what you want and he does too.

 

You have a right idea here.

 

You might be right. But I just don't want to risk sending the wrong signal. Idk. I am trying to take it slow and just relax.