tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We're 22 & 25. Today he is moving in with his best friend. Currently.. they live one building apart. Now they're moving one building down together. I've (obviously) never liked that idea. His friend's girlfriend doesn't like it either (obviously). But clearly it doesn't matter. The main reasons I don't like it is because when he and his friend hang out I get ignored. They talk about politics and video games and stuff I don't know about, so I can't really contribute to a conversation. Also, we're getting to the point in our relationship where we're talking about the future and moving in. This just makes me feel like he doesn't think about it. Like he'd rather live with his friend (that lives one building down whereas I love one hour away) than live with me. He did mention that when he and I go to move in, I can just move in with him and his friend. It'll be a real life How I Met Your Mother scenario going on. I told him I don't want to live with his friend... It just hurts more than anything.. the other day when we were on the phone he said, "I'm so excited to be moving in with my friend because I'll finally have someone to come home to again! " that really bothered me. And to make things even worse, yesterday we were talking about it and I said to leave just the mattress in the old apartment for tonight just so we can get one last night in here (and a final night of privacy) and he said he'd think about it. Then I mentioned how theres no water in the new apartment yet so we can't use the toilet. He said Yeah ok We can stay tomorrow night then. So what did he do today first thing? Take the entire bed mattress and all to the new apartment. I asked why and he said he told me no. I don't even know what I'm asking I just needed to vent I guess.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 You are clearly unhappy about this & although I can understand why you are going to have to find a way to make peace with it if you hope to preserve the relationship. Find the positives. He's saving money (maybe toward a ring?) by living with a roommate. The roommate's GF may become an important friend to you. When they start talking about things that you don't know about, ask questions. Learn about those subjects.
Kizza Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 My brother has been with his girlfriend for almost 7 years. About a year after they met they moved in with 2 of his friends, one of which has moved to another state now, however his best-friend is still there. She would very much prefer to live with only him. He is 30 and she is 25. She likes his best mate but everything he does annoys her! she really wants it to be just the 2 of them but .... my brother likes things how they are sees no point in changing yet. She loves him and wants to be with him so this is the compromise. Trying to force a guy to do something he isn't ready for will push him away. Complain about his choices and you will push him away. How in love with him are you and do you see a future with him? 1
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 He'd be saving the same account of money if I moved in. Because I'd help contribute too. And as far as a ring, my ring can cost $100 as far as I'm concerned. He knows that. We are in love and I do see a future. Which is why this really bothers me. Id not move in with a friend BECAUSE I see a future. That is why this bothers me.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Maybe he doesn't believe in living together before marriage. Maybe he wants to sow a few more wild oats before settling down. He made a decision & now you have one to make. You can break up with him over this. You can accept it & try to be positive about it. You can lie to him, say you are OK & secretly seethe which will eventually kill whatever love you have for him. You can b*tch & carry on which will cause him to dump you. The choice is yours.
Leigh 87 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 (edited) When a guy falls head over heels in love, he knows early on and he doesn't take a year and a half to want to close the hour gap in preference for living with his mate. His actions are not like that of a guy who is madly in love. You have voiced your distaste regarding this situation. If he truly cherished you he would have tried to make you feel better and make a compromise of sorts.... Sorry, but I have never heard of a man acting like this when he is nuts about a girl. A year and a half is long enough to know if you're really in love; he would surely want to close the gap by moving closer to you or offering up the suggestion of co inhabiting. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture. .. I am sure he really likes you and cares about you immensely. ..... I have simply observed that most guys who are very much in love tend to want to move in by 1 and a half to 2 years. Many propose within 2 years. .. when they are really crazy about their girl. Edited November 23, 2013 by Leigh 87
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 (edited) He's 25. He does want to move in but I'm in school right now and I'll graduate in May, my college is one hour away so that'd be a huge commute daily, plus my job. I've also told him I want to be engaged before moving in together. If I had a job here and was fine with moving in before an engagement happened, we might've been moving my stuff today instead. He does call his new room "our room" and let me decide where everything goes. And I'm not bitching about this to him, which is why I made this thread. To vent here. I have given my opinion when he's talked to me about it. He can tell something is bothering me today and he's asking about it but I just say it's nothing because he's already tired and stressed and I don't want to add to it. And I'm just going to mention that I stay over at his a lot. Whenever he's off he asks me to stay over. Edited November 23, 2013 by tme0
Leigh 87 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 He's 25. He does want to move in but I'm in school right now and I'll graduate in May, my college is one hour away so that'd be a huge commute daily, plus my job. I've also told him I want to be engaged before moving in together. If I had a job here and was fine with moving in before an engagement happened, we might've been moving my stuff today instead. He does call his new room "our room" and let me decide where everything goes. Apologies. I forgot that many couple do the whole got to be engaged before moving in thing He sounds like he is just cool with the way things are and he isn't that good at comforting you about it... Men are silly sometimes. I would just deal with the situation and be as positive as you can. If he is otherwise treating u like a princess and all is well ..
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Oh for heaven's sake. He's not moving in with you because you are in school and can't move in with him. Graduate. Get a job. Have the moving in / geting engaged conversation at the end of next summer. Unless you blow it by being a complete shrew about his current living arrangments, I doubt he'll renew the lease.
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 I didn't say my schooling was why he's not, it's my guess. He's never brought it up to me. he never asked if I'd be ok with the commute. And as far as doubting if he'll renew the lease.. this is a ton of work to just be moving again in six months. Like I said, he wants me to move in with him and his friend. I've told him I don't want that, but I'm not sure if he's going to listen. Anyways, this is good. I get to vent here instead and people can tell me if I'm being ridiculous. I don't think I am by not wanting this. But what do I know. And again. .. I'm not making this some huge ordeal to him. He knows I don't like it but that's it. I'm here helping him move, I'm not throwing a tantrum or something.
d0nnivain Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Here is a waaaay better place to let it all out. I would not move him with him & the roomate but cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, stay positive. Seriously, befriend the roommate's GF. It will help.
Keenly Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 When a guy falls head over heels in love, he knows early on and he doesn't take a year and a half to want to close the hour gap in preference for living with his mate. His actions are not like that of a guy who is madly in love. You have voiced your distaste regarding this situation. If he truly cherished you he would have tried to make you feel better and make a compromise of sorts.... Sorry, but I have never heard of a man acting like this when he is nuts about a girl. A year and a half is long enough to know if you're really in love; he would surely want to close the gap by moving closer to you or offering up the suggestion of co inhabiting. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture. .. I am sure he really likes you and cares about you immensely. ..... I have simply observed that most guys who are very much in love tend to want to move in by 1 and a half to 2 years. Many propose within 2 years. .. when they are really crazy about their girl. Please please please, stop putting all men into rows and columns. All men are not the same. I, as well as all of my friends, will not move in with women anymore. At least until it gets serious. My best friend and I moved into an apartment and I let my ex join us. We were together 2 years. That lasted two months and then she abandoned me, us and the lease. Now, no matter how in love I am, she's not moving in. Period. That does not mean I don't love her. A man can be madly in love yet not want to love with a woman. I've noticed lately you have posted quite a bit of platitudes concerning men , and how they behave. I know you may have some extensive dating experience, but you don't have the man brain. I guess all I'm asking is to use the qualifier of " in my experience " instead of painting ALL men with one broad brush so we don't give other women hear the complete wrong impression of us guys. Maybe. Please. Idk. <3
Keenly Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Op, it would seem to me like you might be being a little selfish. He is moving out and trying to save money, and all you are thinking about is yourself. How its going to effect you, why you stent invited, what you will talk scout, when you will get privacy. ( I guess there are no bedrooms ? ) Just let your boyfriend be his own man, and don't build resentment or be passive aggressive because you didn't get your way, and it will be alright.
befriendlyplease Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Op, it would seem to me like you might be being a little selfish. He is moving out and trying to save money, and all you are thinking about is yourself. How its going to effect you, why you stent invited, what you will talk scout, when you will get privacy. ( I guess there are no bedrooms ? ) Just let your boyfriend be his own man, and don't build resentment or be passive aggressive because you didn't get your way, and it will be alright. Yeah, but this is valid: "The main reasons I don't like it is because when he and his friend hang out I get ignored. They talk about politics and video games and stuff I don't know about, so I can't really contribute to a conversation." I think instead of focusing on the living situation, think about how your going to spend time together (or not) doing things away from the house. It makes sense for him to live with his friend. But it does suck if you feel like your not included when the three of you hang out.
Keenly Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Yeah, but this is valid: "The main reasons I don't like it is because when he and his friend hang out I get ignored. They talk about politics and video games and stuff I don't know about, so I can't really contribute to a conversation." I think instead of focusing on the living situation, think about how your going to spend time together (or not) doing things away from the house. It makes sense for him to live with his friend. But it does suck if you feel like your not included when the three of you hang out. 100% valid. Has this. been communicated ? Have you asked if you could spend more time alone on dates and stuff? Or do you just show up arms folded and hope he reads your mind ?
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 100% valid. Has this. been communicated ? Have you asked if you could spend more time alone on dates and stuff? Or do you just show up arms folded and hope he reads your mind ? I have told him of this concern. He said that he sees me way more than his friend (even though they lived 30 seconds apart. ..) and so when he does get a chance to see him it's on his off days, which is when I'm over. Since he's not seen him in awhile, they talk and talk and talk. Since he'll see him everyday now, apparently it'll be the opposite, where the friends gets ignored while we talk and whatnot. Well see how that goes. If the trend continues, I of course will talk to him about it because I'm not going to drive all the way out here to spend my weekend sitting on his couch on my phone while they have guy time. And yeah we can go out, I just don't want him to always be inviting him along with us everywhere. I have no problem with his friend.. he's nice and all, but I just want things to stay how they are (or get even better) with my boyfriend and I.
deathandtaxes Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 You told him of this concern? That's a rather passive way. Did you sit him down one on one and communicate WITH him your thoughts and concerns? Being assertive is a good means of communication to learn at 22. Telling him of your concern does not assertive make. At the least, don't put yourself in the situation that leads you to being ignored. Plan some time out with only him. Not his friend.
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 You told him of this concern? That's a rather passive way. Did you sit him down one on one and communicate WITH him your thoughts and concerns? Being assertive is a good means of communication to learn at 22. Telling him of your concern does not assertive make. At the least, don't put yourself in the situation that leads you to being ignored. Plan some time out with only him. Not his friend. Yes, I sat him down amid told him of all of my concerns regarding moving. The only one I've not told him about is that him moving makes me feel like he's not on the same page as me. Like my feelings are more advanced than his at the moment. I've not told him that just because I'm not sure if that's something I should tell him. But yes, we communicate about everything and then some.
Treasa Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I honestly don't get the impression that he's terribly into you. I don't think you should learn more about his and his friend's interests unless you actually want to. Don't do it so that you can fit in better. Instead, nurture YOUR interests. You are very young. I think this is an excellent time to start pursuing your own hobbies more, even if (or especially if) that will give you more time away from your boyfriend. Right now, dating you is like shooting fish in a barrel. I honestly think you should start dating other men. Obviously let him know, of course. Don't do it behind his back.
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 How did he respond to your concerns? He said hes like that because he sees me way more often than his friend. And since they'll be living together now it'll be the opposite when I come over. He assured me it'd be ok...so...
Author tme0 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 I honestly don't get the impression that he's terribly into you. I don't think you should learn more about his and his friend's interests unless you actually want to. Don't do it so that you can fit in better. Instead, nurture YOUR interests. You are very young. I think this is an excellent time to start pursuing your own hobbies more, even if (or especially if) that will give you more time away from your boyfriend. Right now, dating you is like shooting fish in a barrel. I honestly think you should start dating other men. Obviously let him know, of course. Don't do it behind his back. Why would you think he's not that into me? Because he's moving in with his friend? Or the ignoring thing? And what does Dating me is like shooting fish in a barrel mean?
Kizza Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 it means that to date you requires little effort on his part and there are never repercussions for his lack of pro-activity toward you relationship. I wouldn't jump the gun and say he is not in to you. He is moving in with his mate. No big deal. If this is what he wants now then best to support him, however in saying that he should support what you want as well which is more inclusion with him and his mate when you are around.
Balzac Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 And what does Dating me is like shooting fish in a barrel mean? You're a soon to diploma undergrad? At least you're funny!!
Recommended Posts