Wife wants Divorce. I do Not.

[Midwestmom12]

Burning heart,

 

I empathize with your feelings. I guess many men would describe me as a wayward wife because I walked away, filed for divorce and haven't looked back. I post here every now and then. When I initially posted about the issues I was having with my husband I was attacked and accused of having an affair.

 

Men and women process things differently. During a separation and/or divorce emotions are very high. I have to agree that it does take two to tango. The marriage failing isn't all your fault, however the angry post from men on here who want to sum up their divorces as nothing more than their wives running to the arms of another man are getting old.

 

My husband and I split back in February of this year. He has slept with several women since we split. He is living with someone now but I am still single and working on me and trying to make sure our son is ok before I bring someone new into his life.

 

My husband was a jerk, emotionally abusive and negligent. He didn't want to keep a job. I on the other hand worked hard and he resented me for being the breadwinner which ultimately led to the abuse. Even though he was abusive I have come to accept my part in it.

 

I was an enabler. I made excuses for him and accepted things in retrospect that I should have put my foot down on much sooner. I tired to communicate how I felt to him but nothing I said got through. I think overall even though it takes two to tango you have to understand that women and men are different.

 

I gave everything I had to my marriage. When I became tired of fighting and constant conflict I left and I didn't turn back. I was attracted to a male coworker but I never had an affair. To this day I never acted on those feelings and the divorce will be final next month.

 

The truth is, we will always find other people we are attracted to but most of the time when a spouse whether male or female strays it is a sign that something is very wrong in their relationship. Who takes the blame is irrelevant because as I stated it does take two to tango.

 

The spouse that has been left is naturally hurt and angry but in order to heal and move on you have to be honest about your part in it. People grow and change. Sometimes what works for us at one point in our lives doesn't work anymore when we grow and start to see things differently. There were probably things your wife needed from you that your not able or were not able to give. It doesn't make you a bad person or a monster it just may mean you guys are not a good match.

 

Keep your chin up. I agree that one shouldn't give up on a marriage easily but I also think it is best to respect someone's choice when they decide to move on. Like it or not we don't own others and people have a right to move on when they feel a situation no longer suits their needs.

[burning heart]

Thank you for the reply.

 

How often do WAW come back?

 

It seems like she wants to be independent and try to support herself right now.

I know when W makes a decision she tends to stick with it. Learns lessons too late. She has said this.

[beach]

Pack all her stuff and have someone else to drive and drop it off.

 

If she wants out - show her you're moving forward.

 

Change the locks and tell her the key she has no longer works.

Edited December 9, 2013 by beach

[burning heart]

Yeah

 

Kinda getting pissed at the whole deal.

 

I love her more than anything but the thought of being strung along...husband being plan b...no.

 

She's at least "talking" to someone else. I love her, I do, but I should be more angry about this. Wth?

[familygone]

Beg her to go to marraige counseling. Enlist the help of family members if you must.

 

Unlike a dating relationship, I don't think you should give up on marriage without a fight (unless there was abuse involved)

 

 

i agree with you dOnnivain;My divorce was a no conflict divorce ,she wanted i didnt . It takes two to make it work and i cant do it alone!The thing i hate is child is like a package now back and forth!

[burning heart]

I want to fight for the marriage but it's over in her mind.

She knows how I feel about her and wanting stay together and married.

I really can't do anymore.

 

She wants space and I don't think she will talk to me. Especially about us or our relationship.

She has left me, our home, pets, life and all. I don't think she wants any part of it.

 

I believe she will send family for her things.

Her mother has been physically ill over this.

[burning heart]

Thank you. It's sinking in.

 

New goings on. Affair is confirmed. EA at the moment.

She is telling our friends she is not coming back here. Some pulled away from me. Others got closer. Quite a few contacted me to ask what's going on.

She isn't acting anything like herself. At first it was like she was in her 20s or teens but now she is in left field. This is said by friends.

 

I'm not contacting her. I feel there is no choice or chance for us.

 

I will reread this thread and continue reading others.

 

DR and DB books should arrive soon and I will still read them

[burning heart]

beach: The family friend and her parents are coming out her for Christmas. They said they didn't want me to be alone. I believe they are going to pack at least some of her belongings and take her car back. They haven't said this I think they are.

 

Her mom has tried to call me but we keep missing each other. Remember her mom had been physically sick because of this and has sided with me. My W won't talk to anyone that had an opinion or pov other than where she's at right now.

[RightThere]

Her mom has tried to call me but we keep missing each other. Remember her mom had been physically sick because of this and has sided with me. My W won't talk to anyone that had an opinion or pov other than where she's at right now.

 

Try not to keep score or point out that her family is "with you". In the end, other people's opinions don't mean jack.

 

I haven't outed my STBXW yet and I know her family would all support and side with me. But really what is the benefit? More than anything it will probably alienate your wife even more. No one likes to be with someone that their own family supports over themselves.

[burning heart]

Her mom called when she found out. I didn't say anything. Her mom let her thoughts and feelings about this out to me and W. I'm sure that's not what W was expecting.

[PainforGain]

call the mother in law. You may have an ally

 

My experience with this has never worked, family of the wife always simply wants her to feel better, and I find all they do is agree with the wife and simply find the fastest way to let the wife rid of the pain

[PainforGain]

"I understand what you guys are saying. I understand I need to not worry about it and begin moving on. Prepare. I have known her for about 18 years. I know how she reacts and lashes out. Because of her depression, bipolar, manic behaviors, etc. If she gets extremely upset, or hurt, she cuts people out of her life for some amount of time or forever, she acts 20 again, hangs around old friends, listens to music she hasn't heard for awhile, enjoys freedom, etc and them begins to crash. Her manic and bipolar episodes level out, gets out of her depression and sees things on a more balanced/normal level. Realization of feelings, thoughts, and actions set on. Back to reality."

 

Wow, this is my wife. The difference is she is now turning the switch off for a second time. The first time she did this she took 8 months to realize , during that time she met 4 other men .2 were just 1 night stand type of things. And the other 2 were little flings....I took her back because I was with another women during our first break. After months we got back together. Everything was perfect, she even decided to propose to me the second time. Now we got married and bought a home. Last month out of nowhere she turned the switch. Now I want to let her go for good. But much like your wife, mine has a bad habit of getting stressed, and shutting important people out of her life for some time. She did it to her sister, her best friend and also her father.

 

I feel for you, because like me your thinking that this has to do with bi polar ect. Just better your self, because if my story has any merit, my wife did it once than did it again. Maybe it her not you....

[burning heart]

Well mil does support and wants w to feel better but she has let w know that this could be a mistake and she may regret it. To really think and reconsider. I'm not that bad and things to get better, this is part of marriage, Etc.

 

She did this on her own. I did not ask.

 

It may have hurt things more. W wants to rebel, not listen to pov, advice, or anything that differs from hers.

[beach]

So if her Mom talks her into staying with you - that would make you happy?

[burning heart]

I see what you're asking.

 

Mil point was also that we haven't been long and haven't seen any big problems, our issues are solvable, and this is normal ups and downs of marriage.

 

 

I live in a no cell signal area. I have to drive up the road to have service. Since I've had the flu I've been in bed. So nearly 3 days now.

 

I went for a drive to check my phone.

There's a message from wife:

 

How are you doing?

 

It could've been sent any time in the last three days. I want to but haven't replied.

Idk.

[beach]

I'm unclear about how you're answering the question...

[burning heart]

I would be happy if she came back. But it has to be her decision. She can't be convinced or persuaded.

 

 

 

The other part of my post. Idk if I should reply back to her.

 

She asked how am I doing? She hasn't asked in awhile (weeks) and it was usually after I asked. Short and sweet reply? Or stay no contact?

 

Other past texts were for wanting something..her CC, mail, etc. Nothing with me.

Edited December 15, 2013 by burning heart

[burning heart]

Well, I replied back and I know I shouldn't have. She just wanted to know how I was and how everything was going here. I told her me and everything is great. She replied, after some minutes, that's awesome and she's glad I'm doing good. I said you too and that ended our texting.

 

Mutual friends (married couple) called a few times yesterday morning seeing how I was doing. I was out and have been sick so I haven't talked to them in four days. I thought part of W texting was because they haven't heard from me. Our mutual friends showed up not long after. My W and the W of this couple are good friends. I know they still talk but that's all I know. And that she is upset with my W about our situation and her decisions (leaving, affair). After I deactivated my fb account this friend made a comment about being one of my fb stalkers, Wth. I let it go but she wanted to know why I deleted my account. Anyway...

 

It seems like a guilt issue to me, anything to keep me hanging on too in a way. Idk. It's making me sick and exhausted.

 

I can't expose the affair. This guy doesn't use his real name on fb, Twitter, or anything. He has a daughter and he's 10 years older than my W. I don't know if he has SO. A friend told me this info and I asked him not to. It doesn't do me any good.

 

While being in bed sick I've made some decisions and come to some conclusions.

W is going to continue avoiding me and everything that has to do with me, our pets, and belongings here. She will send her mom and the family friend to get her stuff and car. They are coming out here after Christmas. I suspect this will happen then. If so, and this is the path and action W is taking, I will then sort and box everything else and put it in storage.

 

I was trying not to add this info but it is relevant and I should've. I work for her parents. Our house and job are through a company they own. After last call with W she said I can stay here and I still have my job. That's great and I'm thankful to my in laws for that. But I think that's a guilt thing with my W. Plus it keeps me here if and when things fall through with the affair. So my plan there is to stay till there is action on the divorce paperwork. If she goes through with it I think I need to quit and move. As much as I love my job and in laws I'll have to.

 

I'm close to my in laws but it will be hard on me emotionally and mentally if I stay here. I have no other job prospects and nowhere to go but I think it is what I'll have to do. The issue here is that I will have to let them know ahead of time. They have been really good to us and helped is so much. This job was for us to save money and have a nest egg. So I have to let them know something before the papers are filed. They will be sad but understanding.

[revitup]

Well, I replied back and I know I shouldn't have. She just wanted to know how I was and how everything was going here. I told her me and everything is great. She replied, after some minutes, that's awesome and she's glad I'm doing good. I said you too and that ended our texting.

 

Mutual friends (married couple) called a few times yesterday morning seeing how I was doing. I was out and have been sick so I haven't talked to them in four days. I thought part of W texting was because they haven't heard from me. Our mutual friends showed up not long after. My W and the W of this couple are good friends. I know they still talk but that's all I know. And that she is upset with my W about our situation and her decisions (leaving, affair). After I deactivated my fb account this friend made a comment about being one of my fb stalkers, Wth. I let it go but she wanted to know why I deleted my account. Anyway...

 

It seems like a guilt issue to me, anything to keep me hanging on too in a way. Idk. It's making me sick and exhausted.

 

I can't expose the affair. This guy doesn't use his real name on fb, Twitter, or anything. He has a daughter and he's 10 years older than my W. I don't know if he has SO. A friend told me this info and I asked him not to. It doesn't do me any good.

 

While being in bed sick I've made some decisions and come to some conclusions.

W is going to continue avoiding me and everything that has to do with me, our pets, and belongings here. She will send her mom and the family friend to get her stuff and car. They are coming out here after Christmas. I suspect this will happen then. If so, and this is the path and action W is taking, I will then sort and box everything else and put it in storage.

 

I was trying not to add this info but it is relevant and I should've. I work for her parents. Our house and job are through a company they own. After last call with W she said I can stay here and I still have my job. That's great and I'm thankful to my in laws for that. But I think that's a guilt thing with my W. Plus it keeps me here if and when things fall through with the affair. So my plan there is to stay till there is action on the divorce paperwork. If she goes through with it I think I need to quit and move. As much as I love my job and in laws I'll have to.

 

I'm close to my in laws but it will be hard on me emotionally and mentally if I stay here. I have no other job prospects and nowhere to go but I think it is what I'll have to do. The issue here is that I will have to let them know ahead of time. They have been really good to us and helped is so much. This job was for us to save money and have a nest egg. So I have to let them know something before the papers are filed. They will be sad but understanding.

 

 

Yeah, that would have been important to know,you are held hostage by this woman even if only in her mind.No respect is what she is giving you and it's because she feels you are a dependent of her family-sort of like a brother or cousin,maybe a needy co worker.

 

You are in a bind.The current situation is never going to be to your advantage and you will always be looked upon as needy while being dependent upon the in laws for survival and housing.

 

Get away from this situation and do it as quickly as can be arranged,it needs to be planned out though.

 

I have always thought any man who has a wife who makes a great living (a blessing I never had) has the potential of falling into a trap in his motivation.Nothing wrong with a wife making millions but it can be easy to fall into a non motivated situation if a man knows he can survive on the wife's money.

 

You will do things when you get disgusted in life that you don't do when you have another option.

 

Disgust has been one of my best motivators in life.When we are disgusted to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired-we get going and make changes.If all is good and we can hang in there-sometimes it is easier to just be complacent.

 

You will (in my opinion) become a better man and have more respect from her and yourself by taking a bold step toward self-dependence.

 

Good luck buddy,

 

REVITUP

[burning heart]

Thanks Rev.

 

She has been dependant on her parents for years. A good thing out of this is she may find a job and support herself. I would be proud and happy for her if she does. Not that she couldn't have with me. I never said anything about it. It was her decision to work or not. I was perfectly happy supporting both of us.

 

She has always felt pressure from being under their thumb. Like she owed them something in return. I knew that she hated it but she kept being supported by them in some way for years. This job and living situation was a way for us to make and save money to have something of our own one day. This was never a permanent thing and we were free to move at any time. This was understood from the beginning.

[burning heart]

I have nowhere to go at the moment. No friends or family to really stay with. I have one friend, a mutual friend that loves in the city she's in now, that has offered. Or we could get a place together and save money. Currently he lives 5 minutes from my W parents....

But I have all of our cats and no apartments will take this many lol.

 

The week W called and was thinking divorce I found out my grandmother has cancer. My aunt is staying with her and my mother checks on and helps her regularly. I cannot stay there. I let my W know about my grandmother and she wants to be kept informed.

 

I don't have a large family or many friends. Tough situation. I'll have to figure something out soon and let my in laws know. I think this will be a great motivator for myself and W as well. It'll push action one way or the other. I suspect she thinks I will continue to live and work here. I don't want to be a backup plan when the affair doesn't work. Who knows. Marriages can last and be repaired after affairs and be stronger but there's fear that mess would happen again. Idk. So I would gain respect from in laws as well as from her if nothing else by moving out.

[burning heart]

Well, she text today asking me to mail a folder with her birth certificate and other paperwork to her. She needs it to retest for her driver's license there in her home state. I suspect too so she can file for divorce.

 

I've researched that she has to prove residency for 90 days -but I also found 6 months so idk. And filing can be granted anywhere from 60 days to 6 months. Idk I do not want this.

 

We have no real assets. Her car is hers and mine is mine. They're both on one insurance policy with both our names on it. One tv and a DVD player is hers before we were married. Movies and books are pretty cut and dry. Knick knacks and collectables are mostly things we bought together since we were dating but somethings we each had before marriage. Idk what she would want or throw out. Since she hasn't worked it's down to my income and tax return since married.

 

This is making me sick thinking about it and typing it.

[beach]

Since she hasn't worked - I hope you aren't providing her money.

 

Hopefully she needs her identification to get a job! If she needs money - tell her to earn it herself.

 

It's time for you to take care of yourself.

[burning heart]

More texts came in....

 

She needs to go to a dentist, toothache.

She is super broke and feels like such a loser.

She is doing good so she is happy.

She just needs to get her stuff together.

 

I have not replied. Don't plan to. She texts every few days or so. Wth?

 

I'm not going to put any money into her account or send any.

 

Why the Hell is she doing this?

[beach]

More texts came in....

 

She needs to go to a dentist, toothache.

She is super broke and feels like such a loser.

She is doing good so she is happy.

She just needs to get her stuff together.

 

I have not replied. Don't plan to. She texts every few days or so. Wth?

 

I'm not going to put any money into her account or send any.

 

Why the Hell is she doing this?

 

Because she's selfish and self centered.

 

You can tell her to stop with the texts... Or just block her and file for D yourself.