Author burning heart Posted December 3, 2013 Author Posted December 3, 2013 She has been on her meds. She is seeing her therapist again since she's been gone.
Split open Posted December 3, 2013 Posted December 3, 2013 Just some advice, You are worrying too much about whats going on in her world. What things shes doing or what things you do mean to her... Worry about yourself now and do the best you can for yourself first. Coming from a guy who's going through the same ****. 2
keepontruckin Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 You put cash in the package? Don't give her NOTHING! Why? I'll explain why... I furnished my ex's apartment. A couple of the lamps were old oak lamps that my Grandmother had owned from decades ago. I had made it clear to her, that if for whatever reason she wanted to replace them in the future, to either call me to pick them up, or to just drop them off at my place. A few days later I dropped something else off. The lampshades were in the dumpster, and the lamps were set by the door. I had no doubt they were going to go in next... I said to her I gave them to you as a favor, and you knew I wanted them back if you didn't need them. She didn't care one bit. You do NOT give your ex anything. NOTHING. They turn into rotten scum. 2
Author burning heart Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Well. It was phone tag for 5 days. Yesterday she asked a good time to call because we need to talk. In the same text was a real, heartfelt message for my grandmother. I'm sure it's OM confession to ease guilt and make it easier. Idk. She got the letter but idk if it did much. I'm told to give it one more shot. Tell her I believe in us. It's confusing. I thought about giving it a few days before talking. But if I do t call I know she will..
Chi townD Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 It is best to know. And I am scared that the call may be about that. If so then I know. What are you scared about? What's the worst that can happen? That she'll ask for a divorce? She already did that! So, relax! What exactly did you write in the letter? About the OM or the possibility of an OM?
Author burning heart Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 I wrote nothing about OM or possibility of. O took responsibility for my behaviors and actions. Realize how much I hurt her. Pain I caused when failing as a husband. And the like. It was not begging or pleading. Of I do not contact her she will try again. This will piss her off. I don't want that because I am hoping to get back together.
revitup Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I wrote nothing about OM or possibility of. O took responsibility for my behaviors and actions. Realize how much I hurt her. Pain I caused when failing as a husband. And the like. It was not begging or pleading. Of I do not contact her she will try again. This will piss her off. I don't want that because I am hoping to get back together. Brother, she KNOWS just that and it will be your downfall. Piss her off? Hoping to get back together? You are not listening to some good advice and keeping quiet and being more like the "Most interesting man in the world dude". I don't often whine and beg for my wayward spouse to come home..... But when I do...They run like the wind! Be the most interesting man in the world and see what happens,I will take the blame if it doesn't work. REVITUP 3
ShannonBanana Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I don't often whine and beg for my wayward spouse to come home..... But when I do...They run like the wind! Be the most interesting man in the world and see what happens,I will take the blame if it doesn't work. REVITUP LMAO! I think SNL should do that skit. 1
Author burning heart Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Ok. So NC. Then what? She will be pissed. This will be a 180 for me too. Wait till I'm ready? What till she's ready? She may be so angry she won't want to talk. Whether it's OM or divorce or whatever. I'm just having a rough time.
revitup Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) Ok. So NC. Then what? She will be pissed. This will be a 180 for me too. Wait till I'm ready? What till she's ready? She may be so angry she won't want to talk. Whether it's OM or divorce or whatever. I'm just having a rough time. Okay, fact check- Three years together Things had been bad for "some time" Argue and reconcile You don't do what you promise She is GONE She will be pissed Your fear is you will make her so mad that .....She will go further? Brother, your very best decision making has brought you right here! Who sold you on this plan you have followed? How's that working? The choice you now face is to listen to those who have been there or just continue to worry about what happens after doing something constructive and do nothing. We've all been there and I know you want this all mapped out and a happy ending presented to you as the eventual outcome.That's not possible without some changes - on your part. Why not 180 ? Why not NC ? Why worry about how angry she will be ? She sees what I see - weakness. Women DO NOT like weak men no matter what you see on TV. Have you thought about your self esteem and how that may be the real reason you didn't listen to her? Maybe the reason you didn't follow through? Maybe the reason you were mean? Sometimes we have a distorted view of ourselves and as a result FEAR sets in and destroys you. If you don't want to hear the truth- I won't tell it to you,but REV ain't gonna lie to you either. Take a step back and let things become clearer. Pissed? If you are - it will not make me change my attitude or self esteem one little bit! It shouldn't change yours if she is pissed either! Not if you are strong! REVITUP Edited December 4, 2013 by revitup who knows 1
Author burning heart Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 You are correct. I need to stop. I need to move on. I need to let go. She's gone... and probably forever. 2
revitup Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 You are correct. I need to stop. I need to move on. I need to let go. She's gone... and probably forever. Good man,now remove "probably" that's just you trying to be soft. Just know you are important and you matter no matter what she does or doesn't do.You have "personal power" remember? REVITUP
Author burning heart Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 I do have self esteem and acceptance issues. It is hard because I still have hope.
beach Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Have you talked to her? Why were you completely avoiding talking to her for 5+ days? Is that your pattern - avoiding? I don't care how busy someone is - you could schedule a phone call for midnight if something is needing to be discussed. I'd be pissed if an important conversation was needed and someone just purposely didn't make it their priority! Maybe this way you participate is what she didn't like in the marriage! 2
ShannonBanana Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I was wondering the same thing. Why in the world would it take you guys so long to be able to connect by phone. It does seem a little weird that she is calling you, it sounds like she might have been crying...but you are always too busy to pick up the phone. Hmmm.... 1
truth_seeker Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Your wife sounds like a head case. Leave her and start the healing process now. Her friends are NOT her friends. This whole thing is toxic. Pack your bags and move somewhere else. 1
keepontruckin Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Yup. Let her become someone else's problem. It's what she wants. 1
beach Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I do have self esteem and acceptance issues. It is hard because I still have hope. I'm unsure what's giving you hope. What, exactly, has she done that shows you should be hopeful? Are you looking at what's real? Call her now and find out what her exact intentions are! You need to know! 1
keepontruckin Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Burning heart, remember what I said. There is only one person worthy of your love, your time, and your money. And that person is yourself. Sure, keep close to family, if that is your dynamic, but understand what I'm saying. Relationships are a poor, poor investment from all angles nowadays... Others may tell you different, but my advice is free, so take it as you will... 1
Author burning heart Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Went out, had a few beers with a friend. Distracted somewhat. We did talk about problems with myself, and his, and what we need to do to make our lives better, how we are going to change. A lot of things we talked about we in general ways but could be applied to a marriage-that's what he's doing and him personal. So my eyes are opening more. I did feel a bit more relaxed. I have taken small steps but really trying to be consistant and make changes be lifelong. This morning I feel ok. I called back and no answer. Three of the days she texted soon after and said we will talk later. No call. I call back. No answer or it rings once and voicemail. I have been trying. When she would call it was mostly the house phone. She's knows I'm at work. Also, if she wants a divorce why tell me of an affair? Is this to push me to move on or to ease her guilt? WTH. She's the one wanting to talk so I waited for her call. She was kindof putting it on me to call her back. She knows I'm busy with work. Time could be made.
Author burning heart Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Went out, had a few beers with a friend. Distracted somewhat. We did talk about problems with myself, and his, and what we need to do to make our lives better, how we are going to change. A lot of things we talked about we in general ways but could be applied to a marriage-that's what he's doing and him personal. So my eyes are opening more. I did feel a bit more relaxed. I have taken small steps but really trying to be consistant and make changes be lifelong. This morning I feel ok. I called back and no answer. Three of the days she texted soon after and said we will talk later. No call. I call back. No answer or it rings once and voicemail. I have been trying. When she would call it was mostly the house phone. She's knows I'm at work. Also, if she wants a divorce why tell me of an affair? Is this to push me to move on or to ease her guilt? WTH. She's the one wanting to talk so I waited for her call. She was kindof putting it on me to call her back. She knows I'm busy with work. Time could be made.
soccerrprp Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 (edited) Relationships are a poor, poor investment from all angles nowadays... My advice is free too and this observation is dribble. OP, It sounds like she or both are playing some kind of avoidance game. Keep improving yourself for the next relationship you have and do it right when it comes. Edited December 5, 2013 by soccerrprp
Author burning heart Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 (edited) It seems to be some sort of game. It's tiring and confusing. A mutual friend told me he saw her and a friend at a bar and she wasn't drinking or smoking anymore. She has changed her status to -in a relationship with this guy- almost a week ago. Her and this mutual friend are still friends on FB. He thinks she knows that he told me of OM because she told him that she doesn't want to hurt me. But she is obviously avoiding it. She also stated to him that we are getting a divorce-no maybe but we are. She still has feelings for me but doesn't want be with me. We can't talk about our relationship because she's not to a point to reconcile or have anything to do with me. I'm struggling with staying with NC at the moment, letting this happen (I have no choice), continue bettering myself, giving it and her time. OR doing that AND talking about the affair now. Get it over with and her tell me we ARE getting divorced. If/when we talk about the affair I have the right to ask why, how long, if she plans to continue. I will let her talk and not interrupt. It seems unfair that she isn't willing to talk about our relationship, situation, or anything. ---- She's done something like this before when we were dating. We started getting real serious and lived together. She wanted time and space for herself. It was over a month and was tough and I was better then with NC and giving her the space. Then it was a bf/gf but this is marriage. When they ended she came back and told me she dated another man, how bad he was, she missed me, she was confused, hurt, etc. We talked it out and decided to date again. We took it slow and in time decided to marry. We lived together again and things were good. She didn't contact him and we were getting married. I think she's still in a fog right now. She hasn't worked in years. Even years before we were married. Her parents have supported her. Since married I have been supporting us. She's saying bye to all of our things, life and friends here, our pets, me supporting. I don't know how long her parents will do it again. She has a lot think about and I don't think she has. She isn't thinking straight and there it too much influence on her now. If this is what she wants she has to face all of it. I thought this may be a similar thing. We talked about children and decided to and were trying since August. Friends told us what to expect and her mother was happy and couldn't wait for another grandchild. I think this may have pressured her. She did miss friends and where we used to live(where her parents are and she is now), and the state of our marriage was hurting her. Edited December 5, 2013 by burning heart
beach Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Call her now!!!! Biggest priority today! Talk to her!
Author burning heart Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 Really? I believe Rev said to give it a few days before I do. 1
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