Wife wants Divorce. I do Not.

[Wtfisgoingonhere]

Oh, dear. You brought in her diagnosed conditions into the mix...

 

If true, I am even more sympathetic to your wife's situation. Frankly, this doesn't change anything for me. You effed-up repeatedly and she made a bold decision despite the handicaps you want to alert us to. The best thing to do is improve yourself and not do it for any other reason than for yourself. Hopefully your wife sees that you're making an effort and things go your way.

 

BUT, I fear for your wife. She's seen the real you and she's been disappointed over and over again. I just hope these actions are sincere b/c you know you need to do them and not just b/c you are staring at losing your wife to divorce. For her sake, I hope these changes to improve yourself are permanent.

 

Good luck.

 

No offense, but I don't agree with you at all. I have been inundated with advice telling me that women are different and you have to react this way and don't do this or that, etc. But from the vantage point of a wife who walks away after such a short duration, where is the empathy for the male condition that doesn't necessarily see things the same as women? Marriage was a lifelong commitment to me and I was/am willing to change but my wife is not giving me that chance because she is unable to see how I felt about the things that were apparently very important to her. Walking away like that is not fair at all and shows a great deal of immaturity.

[burning heart]

I understand. Her CC is new and it didn't arrive till after she left. It is hers, I have to give it to her. There's no excuse or NC to keep it from her. It is hers.

 

I haven't been on social media recently. It hurts and I want to but it won't do me any good so I'm staying away from it.

 

MIL and sister in law have reached out to me. They want us to talk and get counseling. They think all of this was drastic and unnecessary but know how she feels. And believe she just needed space to breath, right now she is not herself and her mind is elsewhere. And in time we will work things out. They reached out. I'm not going to ignore family. They also said that not trying to call and doing nothing seems like I don't care and this is noticed and is pushing her away. I have to fight for this if I believe in it.

 

I have my issues. I need therapy. I am taking a lot of blame but I know what I've done wrong and the emotional pain and disappointment I caused. She is also responsible for this marriage. I am keeping my hope and I do want to be with her.

[burning heart]

Yesterday was very hard for me. It was too much. I broke down a couple times and could only cry. I was with a friend's family and it was a good meal and nice weather. It was a good day otherwise but I could not help to miss her and want her there, or me with her. She was with her family and I heard she posted a family picture but looked like she was faking her smile. That she didn't really look happy.

 

I haven't heard anything else about the CC or anything. I am staying off social media and focusing on things I need to do and change. I have moments of breakdown and moments of clarity. I can joke and laugh but there is an underlying sadness. I miss her company.

[burning heart]

She is reaching out to me. Text asking how I am.

Don't want to screw this up.

[keepontruckin]

burning heart, it's always tough. My situation was somewhat similar. No kids similar age as you, but married for 1 1/2 years.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Rarely is a failed marriage solely the cause of just one spouse.

 

Now, I can only give you my experience. Your results may vary...

 

I had the opportunity to be in her life briefly after she left, since I helped her furnish her apartment (dumb thing to do in retrospect). I had the opportunity to "fix" what I perceived to be the problems.

 

It made no difference. When they flip the switch, they are out. She left about eight months ago. She had me served with divorce docs about three months ago.

 

She will not answer a letter (hope things are OK, wish the family Happy Holidays type letter) eight months later.

 

So, hope for the best, but assume this is what will happen. And don't feel so bad... It does get easier with time. And use this as a lesson as to how quick people can leave. A week before she left, she was all over me. Know that this is human nature. If you have assets, protect them in the future. Assume the next relationship will end this way also, since statistically it will.

 

You are not alone. 50% of marriages fail. Know this. Plan for this. I didn't, but I certainly will if and when the opportunity ever rises again. Stay single. You'll eventually find the peacefulness and freedom that comes with this status also...

 

There is nothing wrong with the single life. Right now, you only miss her "good" qualities. Your brain is omitting her "bad" ones. You will eventually even out this unbalance, and you will see things more clearly as the months pass on.

 

Best of luck, Bro...

[burning heart]

I do hear you. I think we can work things out and in time we will see what happens.

 

The texts were how are you, good how are you. That was it. It made me feel good about lines of communication opening up. Today she called our house and my cell. No message and I've been too busy to answer or call back. I have time to post here. Really I am afraid to see what she called about.

[burning heart]

Apparently there is a problem outside of us right now. For whatever reason I was contacted and don't know details. She text and will call me when she's not busy.

 

We have not talked on the phone since the divorce talk. I made my feeling known then and we have not talked about it since.

 

I did find out that she did file. Or tried to. She went back to her parents, the state we were married in, and has to be there for 90 days before filing. But I'm not sure when this was.

 

This hurts a lot. I believe she has a negative support system with friends there. The do not like me. But her mom and a family friend are a postive one. We have talked and they were going to talk to her but I don't know if it happened or what happened.

 

I know I have hurt my wife with my behavior. I am trying to change. I know in the wide scope of things we have not been married long and have not seen any huge problem. Not what could be and is with others.

 

I really want to work this out. I need therapy and would like marriage counseling.

 

I get a little hope here and there but I'm still confused.

[spiderowl]

Sorry, but you are too late. She was hurt, she communicated it. You said you'd change. You did and then slipped back. She felt more and more hurt. Eventually she reached the point where she didn't want to try any more. She has given up and is unlikely to change her mind. Saying she doesn't want any contact is her way of saying it's completely over.

 

Your best bet now is to aim for an amicable divorce. Be generous and considerate and maybe you'll retain some friendship for the future. I think that's the best you'll achieve now. Sorry.

[strongnrelaxed]

Google up the "walk away wife syndrome". It will give you a bit better perspective on what she's going through.

 

And THIS is why marriage is so wrong to begin with. If a sense of dissatisfaction is all it takes to get a woman to walk away. And so prevalent that a woman Psychologist using research has come up with a name for it, then what more proof does one need that marriage is a horrible idea for men?

 

Thanks for this reference. I needed the reminder.

[burning heart]

She text earlier and said she will call me.

 

I don't believe it's too late. In the wide scope of things we have not experienced any huge problems and haven't been married very long. Not every way has been exhausted to repair our marriage. At this point in time she is done but I believe there is still hope and we can work thongs out.

 

I'm sorry other's situations but it's one thing to be truthful and another to be plain out negative and unsupportive.

[keepontruckin]

burning heart, I predicted what she would do (based on what my wife did) in a post exactly seven hours before you posted that she has just attempted to file for divorce. Now that's timing!

 

They all they do the same thing. That's why I say... Understand human nature.

 

If you have assets, protect them. She is no longer your friend.

 

You will be bitter. I still am. And now that your first marriage will soon be over, you DON'T want to know what the failure rate is for second marriages...

 

Look, run as a one man wolf pack. When we think about our Grandparents, and their marriages, understand that those days are done.

 

There should be one person in your life that you invest your time, your money, and your love into. Do you know who that person is? It's yourself, and nobody else.

[keepontruckin]

And burning heart, you LISTEN to me, and listen well. With both ears open...

 

Stop blaming yourself. I dated my wife for four years before she wanted to get married, so it's not like we didn't know each other. After a year and three months of marriage, she left.

 

Now, her reasoning was that I wasn't the man that she met. Ya right. Bull****. Trust me. After one year of marriage, I am exactly the same man that she married. Physically, mentally, and financially (all three are in good shape). People don't change in a year. However, I suppose that satisfied her need to justify things to friends and family...

 

They just leave. Maybe she just wants to try out different cocks before she menopauses, maybe she's just strange in the head. There's a variety of reasons they just leave.

 

Stop beating yourself up, and understand the human nature...

[burning heart]

I am hearing all of you. I am stubborn. I am trying to GAL and do what I need to do. It's rough.

 

Another issue is that we have been around each other 24/7 for years. She needed and wanted her personal time. We haven't balanced personal, work or marriage time. There aren't many friends here and it gets lonely. I work a lot, too tired most days for anything but letting my mind melt into a goofy tv show or whatever. When we did have our time and really had it, it was great. All the small things piled up and took it's toll. And I did go back on bad behaviors and not being all the husband I can be. And no, I am not totally the one to blame or take all the responsibility for our failures. I know this.

 

I understand what you guys are saying. I understand I need to not worry about it and begin moving on. Prepare. I have known her for about 18 years. I know how she reacts and lashes out. Because of her depression, bipolar, manic behaviors, etc. If she gets extremely upset, or hurt, she cuts people out of her life for some amount of time or forever, she acts 20 again, hangs around old friends, listens to music she hasn't heard for awhile, enjoys freedom, etc and them begins to crash. Her manic and bipolar episodes level out, gets out of her depression and sees things on a more balanced/normal level. Realization of feelings, thoughts, and actions set on. Back to reality.

 

It's true, she may be done but knowing her this long and how she handles things I still believe time and patience are valid elements to bringing us back together. Now of there is a OM then I have that to deal with. I know there may be one she is talking to. She is more an emotional support person than anything. If this has gone further I will deal with it. If it's why she wanted to push for divorce other than the pain I caused then we will see.

 

She hasn't asked for her CC for 5 days. The last two she has been trying to call and texting me a lot more. I wasn't fully available, didn't respond right away. I haven't done a complete 180 or correct NC though. But what I had done was surely noticed. I have to buckle down.

[burning heart]

She tried to call today. Said she will try again later. Obviously been crying.

[burning heart]

We still haven't talked. I'm not going to try again. If she calls I may answer. Idk. We need closure and a face to face isn't going to happen. I hate all if this has been on the phone and she couldn't do it while here. She needed her escape.

 

She hasn't been acting like herself I'm told. Behavior and actions.

[Split open]

Hey burning heart, my heart goes out to you.

 

I'm in a similar place. Neglected working on my marriage for too long and wife turned her heart off to me. And asked me to leave our/her home. Three days later she dropped the D bomb. She was done. It's been a month and a week and she's still done. Won't do marriage counciling. She tod me I lost my only chance for reconciliation because of the way I handled the split, like an angry child. I nailed the coffin shut myself. It feels like a punishment.

 

Yesterday I found out she's seeing another guy from my kids (3 and4), I approached her about it and she said that she's been seeing him since we separated. She's sleeping with him, but won't admit to it.

 

It's a really, really ****ty situation. I knew things were crashing and finally broke down my stone wall but she was checked out already. A month later she's going to pound town with him. She claims we "aren't married anymore." That we "should have never gotten married 11 years ago." Wtf is that???? Heart breaking.

 

I actually feel kinda better then I did last week when I knew something was up with another dude in the picture, and was suspicious and filled with anxiety. That was really horrible.

 

I'm standing for our marriage like you. I want our life and family unit back. Not back like it was. But back as it can be...better. Now that I've resigned to righting my negligent ways. I think it's ok to hold some hope in the back pocket for reconciliation. But don't live in denial about it, the odds are way against us. When a wife walks away it's probably done, so everyone says.

 

What I'm doing is being the best me I can right now...which is really hard as we cycle back and forth through the stages of grief. But we gotta do it. I gotta be the best dad I can be for my kids and show her I'm commited to that.

 

My situation could be worse. She's not filing...so far. She wants to divorce through mediation. That will be better as with our prenup I won't get any of her assets and we have very little shared property. She is ok with 50/50 custody as she thinks I'm a good parent and wants the kids to have their dad. A lot could be different and way worse...even though it doesn't seem like it could get any worse.

 

She tells me she loves me, and hugs me every time we meet to swap kids or talk over coffee. I know she does. She wants to remain friends and co parent together well, and be able to do things as a family of 4 in the future.

 

I'm disgusted about her new man. So I'm going no contact except for kids stuff. To show her she won't get attention from both of us. I need to maintain my dignity and self respect. I have no reason to treat her with extra kindness right now. No reason to text her, unless it's about kids. She will see that she can't have us both in her life, and by doing this I show her she's lost me. She has to have the opportunity to realize the man she's given up. I won't grovel while she bones the other guy. Everything changed yesterday for how I handle this.

 

Our women are on their own paths now. We can hope that their rebound relationships crash and burn, but they are not likely to soon. It will take time. And even if they still probly won't want us back and will cycle on to the next guy. The best we can do is show them we are bettering ourselves and are still the man they fell in love with.

 

It's not looking good for me. She is resilient in her denial of wanting me back. She's moved on. Sure I'd come back if she'd have me but this affair will be hard to get over for me too. They don't care about our feelings, we wronged them and they have no remorse over wronging us back. They are doing it for them. They may have doubts and guilt, especially with kids involved. But they aren't holding on like we are.

 

It's a tough road we are on. Protect yourself from the blow that's coming. If shes not already with someone she soon will be as they need someone to comfort them and fill the void that was you, they long for a guy that will ease their pain and grief and they are a super easy target. Keep yourself together. There is no room for mistakes that could end up badly. Try no contact if you can, I know it's hard. But we gotta 180 what pushes them further away.

 

The hardest part is knowing i lost half of my life (at least) with my kids, and they loat me...along with the woman i love, and it was preventable if i just hadnt had my head up my ass. But thats what i need to live with. We can do it, we will be happy again someday.

Edited December 3, 2013 by Split open

[burning heart]

I still stand for and believe in our marriage. If there is a full on affair I'm not sure. I suspect so and I'm trying to line out my emotions and thoughts. It's horrible that I have to go home to all the life we built together, our pets which are like children and have been depressed too, our pictures, our plans, our history, what was suppose to be our future, our projects, our stuff, you get it...and she takes off not having to deal with any of it. There's stuff of mine and hers at her parents (we used to live there) who knows what happened or can with that stuff. This bothers me but I can't do anything about it.

 

We haven't really talked. The last few days was phone tag and I decided to stop. Along with the texts. I can't deal with it. So now it's not seeing her till we divorce or she moves her things out. I guess. Or she reconsiders things...but I don't know about that anymore.

 

She knew a couple weeks ago that my grandmother wasn't well. No question from her about what was wrong. She considered naming a child after her before all this. I went ahead and told her what was wrong in text recently. She responded with concern but not her normal self. Fake in a way but I do know she cares. But still the most human response I've seen since she's been gone. She wants to be kept on the loop about it. It hurts.

[Split open]

Ok man, don't give up.

 

Don't work yourself into a frenzy wondering about an OM. You likely won't discover him by snooping, and if you do you can't admit to snooping anyway. Worse, if you are caught consider your marriage over.

 

My advice, go absolutely no contact for 3 days. Then invite her for a face to face coffee date. Keep the conversation light. Mostly small talk, be a %100 available listener.

 

Then, with a kind demeanor...and don't wait till the very end, pick the right time. Ask her if she's dating. Tell her that you deserve her honesty. She may or may not tell you the truth. But my wife was upset that I didn't ask her. I told her I was trying to give her the space she asked for.

 

Be happy you still have pictures in your home. My wife has removed every trace of my existence from ours, pictures, everything. Going back there sucks...I miss my home so much. But I do it for the kids when I have to.

 

Good luck friend. Stay strong. Watch out for the bad lulls of grief and find the best way for yourself to work through them. The morning after I found out about the dude, I went and got a full body stress therapy massage. Best I've felt since D day and I'm going back every week now. Release that tension.

 

My wife is about to learn that she lost me as her friend when I found out about the guy from my kids. She has herself convinced its not an affair because we are no longer married. Well. I hope she's happier with him, my guess is it might feel good, but inside she is not.

Edited December 3, 2013 by Split open

[burning heart]

I sent her a letter and it arrived yesterday. She tried calling today but I've been busy.

 

I don't know what it's about. And I'm not sure how to handle it.

[burning heart]

A face to face isn't going to happen anytime soon I'm afraid. She is 15 hours away.

 

If it's OM talk or something else idk.

[Split open]

If you sent the letter then good, if you were heartfelt and true to yourself, then have no regret. Only she can determine how the letter is perceived. It is out of your control.

 

I would let it rest, it's her move. Don't call back, let her call you. If she calls then answer for sure, she may have something to say. But be ready for anything and don't get your expectations up. She's not in a place to give you what you need. And what you wrote that may feel true and heartfelt for you will likely be interpreted in another way by her, because all they see is red. Something you said might have resonated, that's all you can hope for. But she is in protective mode and even the best words might not sink in because she is in a place of denial.

 

I wrote the letter on Thanksgiving. And received no reply...

Edited December 3, 2013 by Split open

[burning heart]

The family friend let me know she got the letter yesterday and that she's been trying to call.

 

I've got one missed call on cell. Don't know about the house yet. Been staying away.

 

I understand what you are saying. It is all up to her. She knows how I feel and where I stand.

I have no regrets with the letter or letting my feelings out with it. I knew there wasn't a good time for it and it's all how she perceives it. It's up to her. With such a quick call I don't know if it's good. I have hope. She knows how I feel.

[Split open]

If she calls, your job is to listen. Don't ask questions...and no matter what she says don't interupt her. If you have something to say wait until she pauses and chose your words wisely. Remember you already said what you had to say in the letter.

 

Don't ask her if there is another man on the phone. She WILL feel threatened and get defensive and probably lie, and you wont be able to see her reaction.

 

I would put it this way. "I would like you to honor me and our time together by letting me know if you are dating anyone." That is a fair request and it's not finger pointing. Then it's on her to step up if she is.

 

I know this is hard to think about, but unless you are ok living in the dark it's best to know.

[aliveagain]

Is she on her meds, perhaps her meds need to be changed? She will be a train wreck if she has stopped taking them. Infidelity can be a symptom of bipolar disorder. My ex stopped taking her meds because she liked the high she got when she was manic and hyper sexed. Unfortunately when her depression hit it hit hard, they can become suicidal if not treated. She needs to be assessed by a professional that specializes with bipolar disorders, I will bet she needs her meds changed. She can not fix herself without expert help, if she won't get the help, walk and don't look back because your life will be hell. That needs to be the first condition of reconciliation.

[burning heart]

It is best to know. And I am scared that the call may be about that. If so then I know.

 

I did put cash in the package too. One of her fears is being without cash in a bad spot. I did this because I love her and care. I also don't know what's on her card. Could be a thank you from her as well.

 

She is having lunch with the family friend who knows all about this. So that may not be a bad thing. But she has said the longer you wait the worst of will get. That seems loaded...

 

Idk. Trying to gather thoughts and feelings, stay calm and collected.

 

I wanted her to talk first and I listen. Just like you said. Then say what else I need to when she is done. Even if she says it's over. Done. And/or there's OM. Let her talk.

I plan to say, with a few points in between but basically, I still believe in us and our marriage, I'm standing for I believe in, and if she is sure this is what she wants then I want her to have it.