Wife wants Divorce. I do Not.

[soccerrprp]

I'm stuck.

 

Some say give it another week.

I still feel I need to call my in law back out of respect. Not knowing if we'll talk about our marriage or not. I probably shouldn't ask anything just answer questions. But I would like her take on the situation as well.

 

I feel she's being talked into the divorce by friends. Ones that don't really like me. Ones that don't have any good relationships themselves. To cut me off and out of her life.

 

Here's a perspective you're not going to like....let her divorce you. I understand why people here are encouraging you to try to save a marriage YOU neglected all along. You admit from your original post that you have been negligent, given chances and continued to fail to live up. I completely support your wife's decision to consider divorce and question whether you are capable or truly sincere about improving yourself. You've demonstrated that you cannot or will not.

 

Her friends are doing what they should be doing. They have observed from the outside the turmoil, the chances, the angst you have put your wife through. If I were her friend, I'd tell her to really consider the ramification of divorce and if so, she must follow through with it.

 

You made promises to her to improve in the past? How many times? How many times did you disappoint her? People who want to make a marriage work usually do so b/c someone has made a mistake...not b/c someone has been habitually negligent....

 

I could be wrong....

[dreamingoftigers]

My suggestion is to get in touch with Divorce Busters.

They helped me a lot through my separation.

[burning heart]

You're right. This is true.

 

I've have gone back to bad behaviors and not being a good husband 3 times. The previous two we sat down and talked it out. Looked at the problems and I did change and she changed. But for short term.

 

My reasons were stress and worry. I know that's not good enough. I truly love her and want to change. I have to for me. I have failed as a husband. I do feel that eventhough she did try to get through to me It's no reason to walk out. Even after so many times. I understand her pain but a marriage takes work and love takes action.

[carhill]

Did she ever suggest marriage counseling during the past three iterations of this cycle? If no, did you? If yes, and you did not wish to participate, why not? Same if you suggested....

[burning heart]

We both suggested and talked about it being a good idea. The first time her, the second time me. (This is the third time and she has left.) We never went. Like our plans for dates that didn't happen. I wish we would have.

 

I would like to ask now but with it being only 3 days since she said divorce. I don't know. I am giving time and space. I also need it. I stress too much and I would get help I need through therapy.

 

Apparently she is seeing her therapist again.

 

It's been 33 hours since our last contact. It's hard. I don't think she'll call, text, or anything. For awhile if so. I feel she's gone and I don't want to give up.

 

 

The day before and the day she left we did talk some. It was kept light for the most part but we did cry. She wanted time and still called herself my wife. She told me what I had to do and things she needed to do. I thought we were going to be ok. The plan was to come back next week.

[carhill]

Apparently she is seeing her therapist again.

 

Tip: IC is specific to person. The therapy facilitates personal work without regard to any other issue, entity or concern. It's totally about her.

 

MC is therapy for the marriage. The marriage is the client.

 

IMO, the combination of IC and separation is the path to divorce.

 

Try this: Set up an appointment with a MC for next Monday (after the holiday, presuming you're here in the US). Notify her and tell her you're going and request that she join you. If she flat out refuses, without consideration or discussion, have her served on Wednesday. You keep the Monday appointment. A therapist functioning as a MC can either counsel as an IC or refer, and you'll likely benefit from therapy to resolve your 'I do not' perspective relevant to divorce, as well as to better function personally and with whatever awaits you.

 

Since you've been able to 'fix' things by taking vacations, it sounds like you're relatively comfortable financially and being a sole provider, even in a short M, is rife with risks. I'd suggest getting them assessed professionally.

 

What I'm suggesting here is looking at *all* your options and leaving no stone unturned. Once someone throws down the divorce gauntlet, that's serious business. Don't take it lightly. Good luck.

[burning heart]

At the moment she is out of the state at hers parents. We got married in that state. The plan was to return next week but I do not know if this still is the case. If I knew when they were to return I would make the appointment as you said.

 

She had been seeing this therapist for sometime but it's been a while since her last visit. I thought it would be a good thing that she was going again. She told me this during the divorce call, like she wanted me to know, for whatever reason.

 

Also during the divorce call I told her I do not want a divorce. Told her I'm reading marriage books and I'm trying again. She said she wasn't coming back but to get her things. She doesn't want anything else. Things got emotional and I think this was to stop the conversation.

 

Maybe it's a freedom issue?

 

We have saved money during our marriage in hopes to buy a house, new car, nest egg, so on. Taking a few days off here and there has not been a problem. We don't have much. There are no other real assets.

[Fluttershy]

I suggest you read the book "the five love languages". The author is a Christian but the book is a very practical look at marriage even if you are not of the same belief system. Even if your wife does not give you a second chance it can help you in future marriages learn to show "love" to your spouse. It is a very easy read.

You should talk to your MIL ASAP.

I hope your marriage is salvageable, Remember, words without actions are just that... words. Your Marriage seems to be a lot of words (from both of you) without much action.

[burning heart]

I will check it out. I also have a couple I'm reading now along with self help books. I think I'm doing good.

 

Yes...little action.

 

In our current situation I don't have a way to show my changes or improvements. Or even how serious I am this time. No posts, no calls, no text... We have mutual friends which know our situation. I do not know if they are aware of possible divorce. It's a way to get information to her that I'm doing well, and seem to be changing.

 

 

 

--Just realized MIL. Mother in Law.

I called but got no answer. I thought she may call back. I didn't want to keep calling.

Edited November 24, 2013 by burning heart

[burning heart]

Well, I spent all day yesterday reading marriage and self help books and working on the letter to give her. I'm thinking about all the possibilities that are happening or can happen.

 

I miss her so much and this is very hard. She has posted less on the social media and I'm trying not to look at it so much. Very difficult as I'm trying to look for some sort of sign or hope. I have not posted anything for a couple days, no calls, no text, no emails.

 

I tried my MIL but no answer. I think she will call back today, if not, I will have to. I plan to ask what her thoughts are on our situation, how's my W doing, and let her know what I'm doing, and see if MC is an option for us, or should I give up.

[soccerrprp]

I do feel that eventhough she did try to get through to me It's no reason to walk out. Even after so many times. I understand her pain but a marriage takes work and love takes action.

 

I feel for you in that you are going through this, but I as WHY to your response here.

 

It IS a reason to walk out. The problem with so many unhappy today is that they don't walk out when they have the chance to find something or someone better, more attentive. Staying in a broken relation where chances have been given and lost is the mistake.

 

When should someone draw the line to unhappiness and broken promises? She tried to get through to you as you say and you let her down multiple times. A smart person would get out of such a relationship. She did try to work on it, but you resisted or failed to improve.

 

I truly hope you have changed and that things work out in the LT, but I support your wife's decision to consider divorce.

 

It's simply crazy and unfair to expect someone to accept and settle for unhappiness and lack of commitment indefinitely. Unfortunately so many do...that's the tragedy, not the divorce or impending divorce.

[burning heart]

You are correct. I need to accept all my wrong doings and respect her decision. I don't blame her. Maybe I don't deserve another chance. I've failed so many times.

 

I feel that our marriage could be saved and I am commited to changing my bad behaviors and way of thinking. I have ordered a hard back and ebook version of 5 Languages of Love as suggested. And will continue with my other reading and self help.

 

It's showing with actions not words that I have changed or I am working on it if we have NC/180 that is a concern. If I contact her and only bring up hurtful feelings in her simply by the contact then I have no way of actually getting through and expressing my desire and commitment on change. I want the actions to speak not my words and promises that have failed in the past.

[carhill]

So, what's the 'cooling off' period for divorce filings in your jurisdiction?

 

IMO, what you should be careful of here is 'limbo', where your wife has thrown down the divorce gauntlet, moved to her parents, refuses to 'work on the M' and then time passes. That was probably the single most valuable lesson I learned from our D. Don't screw around. Make a decision and execute. If that's to get counseling, do it. If it's to file for divorce, do it. Actions. Yeah, it's the holidays. That sucks. Life can be like that sometimes.

 

Lastly, refrain from triangulating or attempting to triangulate with your wife's mother. Your M is between you and your wife. Trust me when I tell you that she and her mother have been talking about you, and for quite some time, probably longer than the three years you've been married. You're on your own here and that's how it should be.

[burning heart]

I don't know the cooling off period and I don't if she has filed yet. We haven't talked since the D call. I want to ask to put it on hold so things can settle down. The hope there is for me to get therapy and better myself, her to have the space she's wanted and freedom, to find herself and think, to decide if this is the only option. I know she is so hurt that it seems like being away from me will help or is the only answer. I just hope we both can cool down and rationally think about the situation on our own.

 

I'm sure she has talked with her mother, as well as her friends. Her mother likes me and has been happy that I came into her daughter's life. She knows I didn't mean to act this way. Her mother will support her in whatever decision she makes but I think her mother does want us to work it out and be happy.

 

I'm getting conflicting suggestions and my own thoughts about calling/not calling MIL, Contact/NC, File/Don't file, Wait for her to file, Wait for her to contact, Ask for MC/Just do IC...on and on. It's confusing.

[carhill]

WRT conflicting, you'll get the same in IC/MC. Examining alternative viewpoints and scenarios leads to choices which work best for *you*. IOW, my right choice can surely be your wrong choice, as we're all different. The purpose of discussion, and therapy, is to get 'stuff' out there and clarify it and seek out the path which is healthiest for you. Peer interaction is helpful; professional help is a lot more focused and concise, IME.

 

It so happened my exW and I took a 'separation' period during the holidays, while in MC, only seeing each other at session. Our MC implored us to end such separation, as it would lead to more 'separate' lives and, upon reflection, he was right, if examined in the vacuum of that particular experience. It was easier to not work on the M, to do other things, to forget about the issues. Your experience may differ but I throw it out there for your consideration.

 

IMO, gather information you deem relevant, consider it, then act on it. What happens, happens. None of us can predict the future.

[burning heart]

Sorry. What is WRT and IOW?

[30andsad]

Definitely sounds a lot like the typical Walk Away Wife Syndrome situation to me. It's, essentially, what happened to me though I wasn't married -- we did, however, operate as a married couple: owned a house together, lived together for 3 years, 3 pets, etc.

 

Our stories are so similar it's scary. I am so sorry you are going through this because I know exactly what it feels like. I took her for granted, complained too much from work and other stresses, was critical in regards to the upkeep of the house and other things, didn't want to go out enough for her, etc. etc.

 

My SO left the house for the dreaded "break" (I think I've come to realize, this being the second time things worked exactly the same in an LTR that a break is code name for death knell) the day after our 4 year anniversary in late September.

 

She wanted to work it out in the beginning, but 17 days in she made up her mind -- it was over. She's moved out, gotten a place downtown and hardly any contact since. Everytime I've seen her she says she misses me terribly, but there's so much anger and resentment she had to do this.

 

I question whether there is another guy involved to some degree, it's really hard to tell and I have no evidence, but I still wonder. Anyway, the second she took the break, I like you, was all in. Her vague verbal cues weren't enough, but man the second she left the house, self help books, relationship books, counseling (I was already doing this, but added more regularly), everything.

 

It's like when they turn off, they just switched the switch and are done. I don't understand it -- how you can share that kind of portion of your life with someone and just switch it off like that, nothing they say or do or try to prove making any difference.

 

I will say, as I've reflected further, it wasn't all me and it's not all you. It takes two, though I know it is very easy to just blame yourself because that's what she is saying the issue is. Yes, maybe had things been a little different a little earlier she would still be here for the moment, but her issues would have come out eventually. For my SO, those seem to be: fear of full commitment, fear of love, fear of missing out on being independent woman, low self esteem, unable to decipher her wants and needs, etc.

 

So, like my SO, your wife had some issues too in the losing herself. A strong person doesn't "lose themselves", and the best relationships are built on a foundation of two solid people who chose to want to be with each other.

 

So, in short, don't place all the blame on yourself, work to improve where you can and I wish you the best. I would still love to reconcile with my ex, but unfortunately, I think it may be some time before she would, if she ever does, decide she gave a lot up. It's hard as heck, I know, but you're not the only one if that provides any solace.

[carhill]

Sorry. What is WRT and IOW?

wrt - with regard to

 

iow - in other words

 

I'll check the forum acronyms list in the Water Cooler and add as appropriate.

[burning heart]

Thank you.

 

It's very difficult. I feel lost. But I do feel like I am making progress and changes with myself.

 

I'm not sure if there is anyone else. I kind of suspect maybe for emotional needs and hope it goes no further. I know her friends are there. Her mother knows the situation and how she feels. I don't want her judgement and decision to be clouded. Right now it is. I hope she takes the time with herself to really think this through. She is a very emotional person and can act irrationally. I know this about her and have accepted it.

 

She has said herself: "I learn my lessons too late." "When I make up my mind I stick to it. Right or wrong."

 

 

* It's getting weird and confusing to me. Two days after the D call I sent a funny message to try to open some kind of contact. It upset her and she wanted me to stop, So I did. Nothing almost 3 days now. The few posts she has made have been things we have shared in: music, tv shows, places we went, etc. It appears that she is missing some part of me and possibly our M, relationship. I am trying not to look at these things but want some hope or sign. It's painful to do and I'm trying to curb it. A friend of hers has been posting a lot of negative things about relationships and people not being worthy and the like. Obviously a negative influence.

Edited November 24, 2013 by burning heart

[burning heart]

It's basically been NC. How long is the wait? What if she doesn't call or text? If she does call does that mean she's changed her mind?

[carhill]

It's basically been NC. How long is the wait?

As long as it is. Read the thread in my signature for more information on NC. BTW, you're not NC. You're reading her and her friend's social media. That's not 'no contact'. Stop reading it.

What if she doesn't call or text?

She doesn't.

If she does call does that mean she's changed her mind?

It means she called.

 

The dearth of her presence, formally taken for granted as a spouse, has caused an uptick in your care level. Bad timing for that care level increase. Caring more now will only annoy her.

 

At this juncture, unless some sort of MC goes on, I'd disengage, enjoy the holidays with family and friends, and zero her out for now. Re-visit after the holidays and/or when she's willing to work on the M, or in mediation to end the marriage amicably. Otherwise, focus on self. Good luck.

[burning heart]

I read it. Thank you. I see that I am hurting myself.

 

I have been doing better with not checking social media but it is hard. I thought if pictures of us were still there or something like that it was hopeful. It's hard not to call. I try to read or occupy myself with projects but it does get difficult.

[carhill]

Sorry, made a word mistake -

 

"The dearth of her presence, formerly taken for granted as a spouse....."

 

IMO, what's instructive to understand is that women process these things differently than men do and IME it's healthier to accept their 'way' as authentic to them without trying to put a male 'spin' to it. She's handling her feelings her way and it's unknown what is in her mind. All that's clear is that she's not living with you and currently has no active expressed care nor interest in your life or well-being. She said she wants a divorce. That's it. As always, you have choices. IMO, therapy will help you with that process.

[karnak]

 

It's like when they turn off, they just switched the switch and are done. I don't understand it -- how you can share that kind of portion of your life with someone and just switch it off like that, nothing they say or do or try to prove making any difference.

 

 

It's not really a switch. In fact they've been thinking about leaving for a long time.

They were just faking happiness for the last days before the exit, while considering their choices. Until the moment when the time is right for them to "escape".

 

The right time is usually associated with something external that propts the leaving. Most of the times (not always, mind you) it's another man who's became available for a new relationship.

[burning heart]

I am aware of this.

 

I have written a letter. I have not tried to call MIL again.

 

I hope to open up comunnication as soon as she's ready. If this is our last resort and she doesn't think or want to work on it or seek MC then I will have to prepare for that.