beach Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 Pack her things and send it to her - or - maybe her parents will take her things.
No Limit Posted December 26, 2013 Posted December 26, 2013 M'kay, I'll be the female in this thread - don't shoot me - that's saying, personally I'd confirm every advise you've received in this thread so far. About the in-law-parents; of course they'd tell you to slow down. Maybe their opinion about her current bed-bunny aren't the greatest or at the very least they consider you to still be better than him, so of course they'd want you to stay as possibility should her affair fail; and considering she asked YOU instead of her new lover for money, it will. People can say what they want but once the love-glasses are gone many don't want to pay for a lazy partner, either because of greed or because they simply can't afford it. That's probably also why she's looking for work now. Though, I don't know how people manage it in the USA, but over here you're screwed if you haven't had a job in years. Except for maybe bringing the drinks or making food at McDonald's. As long as you don't give up now, you're the winner in this. Don't let people talk you into "getting a new one" or ONS, that's something you truly have to decide by yourself, just please, PLEASE don't turn back. Right now she's still insecure because she has no idea how long her affair will last or if it will ever come so far like it did with you, and while you might still be codependant, that will all lose itself in time. At that point a honest bravo for not answering her messages or giving in to any of her requests. It's her life now, if she needs money, she asks either her parents or her so called new love. If she needs any papers, she either comes herself to get them or she let's her family or whoever come and get them for her. If they want to do the hard things for her so she can avoid confrontation, so be it. Just don't ever let her come back, never. She'll try again as soon as she feels unhappy and so far she didn't even respect you enough to talk to you from face to face, which is a sign of weakness. She is not sure about her decision, but is ready and selfish enough to sacrifice your own happiness and feelings for it. You deserve better. And yes, do the divorce by yourself. Especially now that your MIL mentioned it again. Be aware that yes, in a few months or how long it may take for her affair to become terrible, she might return to you, but it will never be the same like before. There will always be that hint that when she's in a bad mood she might again land in the bed of someone else. Sounds a bit weird and yeah, you might did your fair share, but you regret it and tried to talk about it. She did not because she wants to try the donkey next door. Moving away etc is also a very good decision. A different environment can do wonders, and this I say from experience. Best of luck. 2
Author burning heart Posted December 27, 2013 Author Posted December 27, 2013 True. I do still want to be with her. At this point I still do. Who knows how I'll feel later.
Author burning heart Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 The dental and health insurance policies I haven't checked on yet (may have to wait for things to be final) but the auto insurance shouldn't be a problem. Honestly I was going to keep her on dental and health till things were done or she figured out what she really wants. I'd hate for anything to happen and she would need the insurance too. But just say they will be changed soon but for the time being she will remain on there. I'm not supporting her by sending money or anything she requests. I just can't. And it messes with me because she knows me, she did always depend on me, and how I feel. Is she trying to use or manipulate? I thought maybe it was a test on her part to see if I was still there for her or something. Idk. She has to realize she can't depend on me especially in the situation we are now in. She needs reality in her fantasy land. I was going to let her know these things and she what happens. In a nice not a-hole way but strong and to the point. I have to stand up for myself, not put up with mess, and be a man about it. I don't think she's expecting me to. It's a 180 and I can't continue to be a doormat, for anyone. Whether or not she is keeping me as a backup after she does her thing idk. But I know she expects me to stay living and working here. Wth? And there's people to let her know any updates or news about me. Her parents and mutual friends here so I have to be careful what I do and say around them. And she doesn't seem to be moving on anything and I don't get it. She was set on divorce a few weeks ago (told me she "wasn't sure we could stay married") but nothing is done. She lost her ID here a few weeks before she left. So no license or ID. She wanted me to send paperwork (birth certificate, marriage license) so she could get one. Why would I make this easier for her? She can go get a copy of what she needs but isn't. I thought the delay was a good thing for me. From what I understand she needs to prove residency for 90 days before filing (back in her home state). I was hoping this window of time would be an opportunity for things to turn around. Now I'm not sure. And the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me about us or talk to anyone else about it doesn't look good
beach Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Bottom line is: You're just too nice. I hope you can change that for yourself.
Author burning heart Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 Maybe. I'm trying to keep anger and resentment out of this. At least on my part. I don't want any kind of vengeful or vindictiveness to play a part in it either.
beach Posted December 28, 2013 Posted December 28, 2013 Maybe. I'm trying to keep anger and resentment out of this. At least on my part. I don't want any kind of vengeful or vindictiveness to play a part in it either. No one said be vengeful or vindictive! People are mainly saying to take action! That means taking charge of YOUR life! Your wife has left you! Start taking action regarding that fact!
Author burning heart Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 No I meant I don't want her to be vengeful or vindictive. I'm trying to take action. She's told me what I needed to do and how to be. I still need to do those things for myself and others in my life. I have to change. I'm slow to accept what's happening and has happened. I'm struggling. I've packed some of het things today. It's hard to do. I'm going to step away for a bit and start again.
Author burning heart Posted December 28, 2013 Author Posted December 28, 2013 My problem is that I'm too dependable. For W and others. I've made myself a doormat in many ways. I have to stand up, stand my ground, be a man, and stick it out. I love my W but her recent actions and decisions are making things more complicated and harder for me.
Author burning heart Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 I hung out with friends lastnite and drank too much. I did on Christmas eve too. Not good. And both nights I slept in the truck instead of coming home. I've noticed I had been avoiding the house on several occasions. I can't do that. It's cold and starting to snow. Whenever it did we would cuddle and watch horror movies. It was one of our past times. I'm missing her a lot. Today I plan to pack more of her stuff, clean up the house some, and try to stay calm. I had a panic attack yesterday with it. Seems pretty common. Idk when my in laws will be here. That's giving me anxiety. They should've started heading this way Friday but idk. I haven't heard anything. I am going to tell W that The insurance policies will soon be changed but she'll be on there for the time being. The house is in the process of being packed. I cannot send her anything, especially money. I'm not the one to be supporting her now. I thought I'd word it like that. Straight forward, not too nice, not too mean. I was having a hard time with exactly what to say and how to word it. Which is messed up because I should be able to talk to her easily. But things are different now and I have to stand strong, confident, and not be weak anymore. 180. It'll change things. I think it'll freak her out some. She will be pissed, scared, and hopefully reality will hit her. I don't expect a reply right away. We were having contact by text every week. Mostly a hello and asking how are you. Her reply was always, "good. I hope that you are well." So not human, not her normal self.
Author burning heart Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 I need to accept it. Maybe I am holding onto a fantasy. I packed more of her things today. Not easy. I haven't told her anything about it, or that I'm not giving her money.
aliveagain Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 Hate to see you continue to do this to yourself. One thing that helped me get over the ex was seeing her for what she now was. The beauty that was always her was no more, funny how knowing another man was putting his penis in her forever changed that for me. There was no struggle, she just gave it up to him anytime he wanted for more than two years. I tried to see her beauty again but all I kept seeing was her imperfections, I couldn't get past the feeling that she was now tainted to me, she broke our bond, the one that held us together. Is this person that betrayed me so horrifically someone I really want back? What could she ever do to guarantee me her fidelity again? If she could lie to me, our families, our friends and trash the vow she made me in the house of God, what could possibly ever bind her word to me again? You too will see these same imperfections, is that the prize your holding out for? The secret is your the prize but she won't realize this until you've gotten over her and moved on. You can't waste anymore time waiting for her to wake up because she may never wake up. Best thing you can do is cut all ties with her, her family, her friends. The sooner you do this the sooner your healing will start. Call a courier to pick up her sh*t and send it to your in laws to give to her, you don't have to see her again. Let your lawyer protect you and your assets and let her cheating ass become the POS other man's problem. When she broke her promise to you your contract to each other expired, she breached it, your no longer bond by it. It's just a technicality to get you out of the legal part, your lawyer does this all the time. The only thing that really ever bound you to each other was your word. Burning heart, your free, your future starts today, use it wisely and don't waste one more moment living in the past, she's just not worth the pain.
beach Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 She's not the woman you THOUGHT she WAS. Think about that. That gal is gone.
Author burning heart Posted December 30, 2013 Author Posted December 30, 2013 Yessir. She's gone. Not the same. Tired of feeling this way. Packing more of her stuff today.
Author burning heart Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 MIL tried calling the last few days. Today I talked to her. Apparently OM is a gem. Outstanding warrants, early 40s, a 5 years old daughter with a foul mouth and disrespectful, a broken down vehicle that he can't fix, no job, no money. MIL said W can't handle the kid. She has brought OM to parents house. MIL said no more and he can't stay there. Her parents cut off supporting her with money. I explained that I'm not giving her money either. She agrees. She said the newness is wearing off and reality is starting to set in. It's crumbling. Be patient. Also said she is not herself and acting crazy and out of her mind.
No Limit Posted January 12, 2014 Posted January 12, 2014 MIL tried calling the last few days. Today I talked to her. Apparently OM is a gem. Outstanding warrants, early 40s, a 5 years old daughter with a foul mouth and disrespectful, a broken down vehicle that he can't fix, no job, no money. MIL said W can't handle the kid. She has brought OM to parents house. MIL said no more and he can't stay there. Her parents cut off supporting her with money. I explained that I'm not giving her money either. She agrees. She said the newness is wearing off and reality is starting to set in. It's crumbling. Be patient. Also said she is not herself and acting crazy and out of her mind. So my instinct was right. Well, it's pretty logic that parents want the best for their kids, but still. Don't. Take. Her. Back. Please. Gosh, I mean I'm female and all but if I had a MIL, and especially one that would tell me to "be patient" and literally just told me to wait for her cheating son... boy, I would have laughed and said "Now he's your problem" and hung up. They are trying to bait you to be her husband again and then act like nothing ever happened. They even stopped supporting her to put her under pressure. But yeah, I expect she's not the sharpest knife in the kitchen if she fell for a guy like...that one. But hey, now you got the chance to get your pieces together and someday find someone who sees more in you than a comfortable house and doormat who brings money and secures her life. Just please, please don't take her back. Or at the very least not within the next decade. Otherwise she'll never learn her lesson. 1
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