HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I am trying hard to determine facts vs. intuition vs. over-dramatizing vs. heartbreak, since finding out my MM is a serial cheater with a dual personality (maybe 3?) My shrink told me to get this book called The Gift of Fear. I ended my A a year ago because I remembered being cheated on and the WORST thing about it all is being robbed of your own subjectivity--your experience of the world/your truth/ your instincts. Not being able to trust your gut is EQUAL to low self esteem. So anyhow, now I am getting a real taste of what it's like to be a BS, but with the added extra layer of: is my exMM dangerous? Our friendship began in a wholesome environment, everything going real slow, really nice-y nice, chaste, poetic, romantic, kind. Over time, he began to stalk me---as in show up unannounced at my kids bus stop, drive by my house, coincidentally be at the grocery store, drive by me in the street (he'd weirdly point at me when he'd see my car, or flash his lights or beep, like he was driving around all day looking for me.) He'd corner me to talk to me at parties or places his W was at & I was trying to keep to myself. Just slightly weird. When I'd break up with him it would get worse ---or weirder. He once stood in my yard after a hurricane to inspect the damage or see if I was ok --and when I told him "are you crazy my H was home?!" he seemed unconcerned. He is very big but my H is also very strong--so it's not like my H would not be any threat to him. Always unconcerned about getting caught, was even sassy with cops who came up to our parked car one time. Just a slow build-up of odd behaviors. Recently, I had the privilege of comparing notes with his newest conquest (another MOW in the 'hood) and she has revealed a side of him that creeps me out even more. No longer romantic, he uses raunchy imagery that I came up with on HER, but in a nasty way. He has "jokingly" threatened her. It's all so very bizarre. He references song lyrics and things I've said to him with her. Is this guy gonna kill me or is some of this normal-for-affairs "crazy?" Because the entitlement + danger + recklessness of an A makes us all a little weird. Anyone else have a stalky MM?
RickFox Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 According to my xm xmw she stalled me on fb. but your situation is NOT normal. yes he may harm or try to harm you. he does nott know how to handle rejection and sees you as his
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Thanks (I feel like someone's reply to me got taken down, thanks for it anyway.) Ugh...I'm hoping that because he had enough rejecting energy toward me on occasion--you know, typical putting me in my place/compartmentalizing stuff---that maybe he's over me but just acting out a rebound revenge fantasy. Ugh. It's all so unsettling. And, exactly what I deserve!!! F&*k---this is what they mean she they say putting your family in jeopardy--there could be real dangers!!! One minute my head spins, the next I'm in heartache, the next I want to throw up from fear of impending doom.
wanting more Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Your husband doesn't know about the A?
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Your husband doesn't know about the A? He knows about the EA but not that it later resumed and became a PA. Which I ended on my own a year ago.
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 that is so creepy, be careful Reading this over I feel like I'm swaying the tone a bit. Forgive me cyz I don't know HOW to process this so I go back and forth a lot. I'm feeling like I'M the unstable one!!! The standing on the lawn after hurricane part was happening at the height of the first rush of romance. The feelings were intense and we both felt out of control. My husband works many nights and I think he thought I was alone, he just was unconcerned when I told him AFTER that H was there. Also.. He once shoveled my driveway, without telling me. I complained that it was always left to me b/c H could not do it. I actually like shoveling snow but I think I had sort of billed myself as the lonely wife w the H that never helped around the house (I was!!!!! It's since improved...) Anyway. I guess what I mean is his intensity wasn't always unprovoked/ was sometimes encouraged. It's just that it always had a slightly creepy quality. I was creeped out the whole time during the A, by the A itself, even though my desire for him could not possibly have been one iota stronger. He made my body go berserk!
krazikat Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I am a bit confused so I just wanted to clarify how I am interpreting your post in case I am way off base, just so you know where I am coming from with said responses... I am trying hard to determine facts vs. intuition vs. over-dramatizing vs. heartbreak, since finding out my MM is a serial cheater with a dual personality (maybe 3?) My shrink told me to get this book called The Gift of Fear. I ended my A a year ago because I remembered being cheated on and the WORST thing about it all is being robbed of your own subjectivity--your experience of the world/your truth/ your instincts. Not being able to trust your gut is EQUAL to low self esteem. So anyhow, now I am getting a real taste of what it's like to be a BS, but with the added extra layer of: is my exMM dangerous? ....i am confused?? You ended the affair a year ago, then found out MM was a serial scumbag, and think you are getting a real taste of what it is like to be a BS? If I have that right, girl that experience in no way gives you a real BS experience. Being a BS is a soul crushing experience...you are betrayed by the one person who is your partner in life, your best friend and confidant, to found out they are sharing what they vowed was yours with someone else is...well, it is hard to put into words, but it sucks. Now, I get the heartache and hurt feelings and shock that they are not who they presented themselves to be, and you are entitled to that...but it absolutely does not compare to the BS experience....and I hope you never have to experience that.... Our friendship began in a wholesome environment, everything going real slow, really nice-y nice, chaste, poetic, romantic, kind. Over time, he began to stalk me---as in show up unannounced at my kids bus stop, drive by my house, coincidentally be at the grocery store, drive by me in the street (he'd weirdly point at me when he'd see my car, or flash his lights or beep, like he was driving around all day looking for me.) He'd corner me to talk to me at parties or places his W was at & I was trying to keep to myself. Just slightly weird. ...sooooo did all of this happen during the affair or was it after you ended it? If it was during, did you say anything to him about it or ask him to back off the smothering behavior? If you were still in am active A when he did this, then it is not so much stalking, but if you had already ended it then definitely odd. Did you ever confront him about it? When I'd break up with him it would get worse ---or weirder. He once stood in my yard after a hurricane to inspect the damage or see if I was ok --and when I told him "are you crazy my H was home?!" he seemed unconcerned. He is very big but my H is also very strong--so it's not like my H would not be any threat to him. ....so this leads me to believe.the prior behavior was during the A...hmmmm. So he is a neighbor? If he lives.close then not so weird. Except you said you had already broke up with him, so he should have respected you enough to stay away...unless you were still communicating with him in an ea kind of way? What was your communication with him like at this time? Always unconcerned about getting caught, was even sassy with cops who came up to our parked car one time. Okay, I seriously dont get this. What does getting sassy with the police have to do with not being concerned about getting caught? Please clarify...this doesnt seem to be weord or stalking type behavior as written? Just a slow build-up of odd behaviors. Recently, I had the privilege of comparing notes with his newest conquest (another MOW in the 'hood) and she has revealed a side of him that creeps me out even more. No longer romantic, he uses raunchy imagery that I came up with on HER, but in a nasty way. He has "jokingly" threatened her. It's all so very bizarre. He references song lyrics and things I've said to him with her. Why were you comparing notes? And are the lyrics to a popular song or did you write them? He may be unoriginal using the same stuff on another woman but how is this stalking? How is this threatening to you? If you ended the A a year ago why do you care what he is saying to his new mow? Is this guy gonna kill me or is some of this normal-for-affairs "crazy?" Because the entitlement + danger + recklessness of an A makes us all a little weird. Anyone else have a stalky MM? Okay, this whole post confuses me. Has he threatened you? Was he abusive diring the A?
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 I appreciate your confusion/irritation with me. I know it sounds like hoo-ey. My ego is probably protecting me from realizing I got played by a garden variety scumbag & I'm overdramatizing. I really hope so, as I really want to put this behind me. ....i am confused?? You ended the affair a year ago, then found out MM was a serial scumbag, and think you are getting a real taste of what it is like to be a BS? If I have that right, girl that experience in no way gives you a real BS experience. Being a BS is a soul crushing experience...you are betrayed by the one person who is your partner in life, your best friend and confidant, to found out they are sharing what they vowed was yours with someone else is...well, it is hard to put into words, but it sucks. Now, I get the heartache and hurt feelings and shock that they are not who they presented themselves to be, and you are entitled to that...but it absolutely does not compare to the BS experience....and I hope you never have to experience that.... I was cheated on the last time I believed in things like promises and true love. I was 24. It hurt like hell, I was devastated. I can't imagine being much older than that and being surprised by cheating behavior, but that's me. I'm a terrible, worn-out cynic. You're absolutely right--experiencing the gaslighting part is nowhere near the devastation of actually being in love with who you thought was your soul life/mate. I can't even wrap my head around that. If I could fully understand that I NEVER would have started the A. Also: I felt betrayed by marriage, the old bait-and-switch. "Have my babies and clean my house and I will never see you as a romantic partner or person I respect ever again. And you're trapped in it forever" This, for me, was the most painful betrayal of my lifetime. I'm like: "ok..so I belong to you but you don't want me." ...sooooo did all of this happen during the affair or was it after you ended it? If it was during, did you say anything to him about it or ask him to back off the smothering behavior? If you were still in am active A when he did this, then it is not so much stalking, but if you had already ended it then definitely odd. Did you ever confront him about it? It happened during the affair and during breakups--but you're right---if he felt some kind of connection like LC, and he continued to pursue, I had a hand in fostering that. ....so this leads me to believe.the prior behavior was during the A...hmmmm. So he is a neighbor? If he lives.close then not so weird. Except you said you had already broke up with him, so he should have respected you enough to stay away...unless you were still communicating with him in an ea kind of way? What was your communication with him like at this time? Yes he lives nearby. As I stated, if I am to be honest. my NC was often LC, with emotionally charged communication. Okay, I seriously dont get this. What does getting sassy with the police have to do with not being concerned about getting caught? Please clarify...this doesnt seem to be weord or stalking type behavior as written? I dunno---just a kind of boundarilessness and total disregard and arrogance about rules/authority tha I thought could point to a criminal mindset. Why were you comparing notes? And are the lyrics to a popular song or did you write them? He may be unoriginal using the same stuff on another woman but how is this stalking? How is this threatening to you? If you ended the A a year ago why do you care what he is saying to his new mow? We compared notes because she got some "hints" from me something had happened btw he & I, which I minimized. My denial gave her the greenlight to go for it with his online bad boy self (she doesn't know the Nice Guy--he and I met IRL, they met online through a kind of NSA website). The song lyrics are just in his email address he uses with her--but that's no biggie--but he steals other material from me too. Jokes, accusations I used on him, he uses on her, Graphic sex imagery I made up he uses on her. I guess it's just all being unoriginal and just a bit vengeful--like it's fun for him to act out this idea of punishing me, with her (in private, to his estimation.) I am ok with this, she's strong & is armed with info, I worry for the 23 year old he meets that buys the Nice Guy act hook line and sinker. It's nothing specifically dangerous, it's the total crazy-making experience,the combined, one-two-punch of all the effects together that make me think he's highly unstable. But as I said--this is what cheating is--a high risk, totally boundariless experience where you care about getting needs met at ANY cost. SO why should I be surprised if I'm getting a taste of (the male version of) my own medicine? Okay, this whole post confuses me. Has he threatened you? Was he abusive diring the A? He was not abusive during the A, but would sometimes joke about violent things (so would I--I have a sick sense of humor). He would joke about stalking me. After one breakup he said "I may just have to scrape the letters off my van and swipe you off the streets." The stalking was subtle and insidious but it's been 2 years of it (the past 6 months since he joined that site the stalking has died down, though he still contacts me.) He has threatened my friend. Said he'd kill her if she told anyone--passed it off as a joke. I am not a fan of drama. I am anxious to put this behind me. I am very ashamed of myself.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Well it sounds like drama is what you've got. I think you had better confess to your husband in case this guy is a wackadoo that could do harm to you or to him. But not only for they reason - it sounds like this guys is a head case and gets off on controlling and manipulating people.
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Well it sounds like drama is what you've got. I think you had better confess to your husband in case this guy is a wackadoo that could do harm to you or to him. But not only for they reason - it sounds like this guys is a head case and gets off on controlling and manipulating people. *sigh* the fact that you're saying that (I've been lurking on here for 2 years) means I should, b/c I know you're not gung-ho about exposure for exposure's sake. the most irresponsible thing I can do to my children (even more than having the A in the 1st place) is not involving the father, whose knowledge of the situation could protect them. I don't deserve him anyway.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 *sigh* the fact that you're saying that (I've been lurking on here for 2 years) means I should, b/c I know you're not gung-ho about exposure for exposure's sake. the most irresponsible thing I can do to my children (even more than having the A in the 1st place) is not involving the father, whose knowledge of the situation could protect them. I don't deserve him anyway. I am not against exposure. I think every situation is different. However, you are in a situation that is potentially dangerous - this could very much affect your kids and your husband in a violent way. I never think exposure should be widespread but should be handled between the people it directly involves. Anyway - this guy sounds nuts and the only way you are going to have peace of mind is by telling your husband so he is aware and can hopefully help diffuse anything that arises.
MorbidFever Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are! To answer your question, yes, but nothing like what you've experienced. Since we are in separate states, it was just online stalking. He also stalked my guy friends. Checking up on them online, friending them, trying to figure out who I was attracted to. After NC he started with the fake profiles to try and friend me. I caught on both times. One profile, after about 3-4 weeks and friending over a 100 of our mutuals, he staged the fakey guy's death so he could close the profile. Weird sh*t. He would ask me to take a picture of exactly where I was at the time of his asking. If I would say I was just walking, he would say 'can you send me a picture, I want to feel like I'm with you'. At the time, I thought it was cute, but now I know it was because he didn't trust me. Always thinking I was with someone in bed or whatever. I'm dealing with a stalker right now. Not this guy, but someone else. And it's real. I just found out he was in prison for years and is out on 20 years supervision. I read the court docs and the judge made a statement this guy is a danger to any woman he is in contact with. I didn't know any of this and accepted his friend request. Two days later he is posting a homemade music video for me for everyone to see! THEN he was writing me novels practically every single day, sick stuff! He went into detail about sex he had the previous night. Grossed me the hell out so I deactivated my profile. This was yesterday. If your intuition is fear, then you have to tell someone. Stalking is real and very serious. Not saying he is like this guy, but please let others know that are close to you. Be safe girl!
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are! To answer your question, yes, but nothing like what you've experienced. Since we are in separate states, it was just online stalking. He also stalked my guy friends. Checking up on them online, friending them, trying to figure out who I was attracted to. After NC he started with the fake profiles to try and friend me. I caught on both times. One profile, after about 3-4 weeks and friending over a 100 of our mutuals, he staged the fakey guy's death so he could close the profile. Weird sh*t. He would ask me to take a picture of exactly where I was at the time of his asking. If I would say I was just walking, he would say 'can you send me a picture, I want to feel like I'm with you'. At the time, I thought it was cute, but now I know it was because he didn't trust me. Always thinking I was with someone in bed or whatever. I'm dealing with a stalker right now. Not this guy, but someone else. And it's real. I just found out he was in prison for years and is out on 20 years supervision. I read the court docs and the judge made a statement this guy is a danger to any woman he is in contact with. I didn't know any of this and accepted his friend request. Two days later he is posting a homemade music video for me for everyone to see! THEN he was writing me novels practically every single day, sick stuff! He went into detail about sex he had the previous night. Grossed me the hell out so I deactivated my profile. This was yesterday. If your intuition is fear, then you have to tell someone. Stalking is real and very serious. Not saying he is like this guy, but please let others know that are close to you. Be safe girl! Thanks for checking in, and thanks for the update. It's so crazy what's happening to you. I was talking with my shrink the other day, wondering if I somehow magnetize this kind of attention/treatment into my life. She said "No." but who knows... Please be careful. I hope you are learning that boundaries are your friends. Establish boundaries--lots of them---early and often. We women were not put on God's Green Earth to be some guy's endlessly exploitable resource for attention, support, love & satisfaction. In the words of vintage Janet Jackson "What Have you Done For Me Lately?" I sometimes think we're wired to be doormats & victims and we have to work hard at not being that. I dunno... My situation is still unfolding. The OW2 confronted him. He immediately emailed me to convince me SHE was some kind of predator (same way he explained me to his wife.) It is comical, these guys with the "she wouldn't let up, kept emailing me" crap. Duh, assh*le YOU SHOWED UP WITH YOUR D*CK AT HER DOOR< YOU ARE DRIVING THAT VEHICLE!! It's amazing the wives that believe this sh*t. You have to be REALLY DUMB to believe that, it's just incredible to me that it ever works, and the guy is banking on the idea that your ego needs are so great you'll feel good competing with another woman and being chosen. I am not that gal. I am a gal's gal. Ugh. It is still unclear if he's dangerous. He is trying to hint at seeing me again. I told him I am 100% considering every statement of his a lie and if he does one remotely stalky thing, I am getting the police and 2 husbands involved. I'll keep you posted if he tries anything. OW2 is afraid in her own home, because he's claiming she was on a "mission" to ruin him, and he's mad at HER for hurting me!!!! Which is a very weird and not at all sane interpretation of events. He has idealized me and demonized her for now. She joked with me that he'll come after her with a shotgun and I'll end up with my face above his mantle in a few weeks. Then again..we could just be dealing with a cliche serial cheater. This is what they're made of. A smidge away from a terrifyingly desperate-when-cornered criminal mindset. I will probably expose all this to my H. This marriage, too, is a sham. How could I be living all this drama w/o my H's knowledge? There is zero intimacy, that's why. Be safe. Involve as many people as you can.
krazikat Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 Thanks for checking in, and thanks for the update. It's so crazy what's happening to you. I was talking with my shrink the other day, wondering if I somehow magnetize this kind of attention/treatment into my life. She said "No." but who knows... Please be careful. I hope you are learning that boundaries are your friends. Establish boundaries--lots of them---early and often. We women were not put on God's Green Earth to be some guy's endlessly exploitable resource for attention, support, love & satisfaction. In the words of vintage Janet Jackson "What Have you Done For Me Lately?" I sometimes think we're wired to be doormats & victims and we have to work hard at not being that. I dunno... My situation is still unfolding. The OW2 confronted him. He immediately emailed me to convince me SHE was some kind of predator (same way he explained me to his wife.) It is comical, these guys with the "she wouldn't let up, kept emailing me" crap. Duh, assh*le YOU SHOWED UP WITH YOUR D*CK AT HER DOOR< YOU ARE DRIVING THAT VEHICLE!! It's amazing the wives that believe this sh*t. You have to be REALLY DUMB to believe that, it's just incredible to me that it ever works, and the guy is banking on the idea that your ego needs are so great you'll feel good competing with another woman and being chosen. I am not that gal. I am a gal's gal. Ugh. It is still unclear if he's dangerous. He is trying to hint at seeing me again. I told him I am 100% considering every statement of his a lie and if he does one remotely stalky thing, I am getting the police and 2 husbands involved. I'll keep you posted if he tries anything. OW2 is afraid in her own home, because he's claiming she was on a "mission" to ruin him, and he's mad at HER for hurting me!!!! Which is a very weird and not at all sane interpretation of events. He has idealized me and demonized her for now. She joked with me that he'll come after her with a shotgun and I'll end up with my face above his mantle in a few weeks. Then again..we could just be dealing with a cliche serial cheater. This is what they're made of. A smidge away from a terrifyingly desperate-when-cornered criminal mindset. I will probably expose all this to my H. This marriage, too, is a sham. How could I be living all this drama w/o my H's knowledge? There is zero intimacy, that's why. Be safe. Involve as many people as you can. Seriously, your comment about wives being REALLY DUMB believing ow pursued their wh...come on now. Did you really have to go there? Do you know what it is like to be a BS? It is gut wrenching, absolutely devastating pain. Your entire world changes immediately. You could have some compassion...And really, I could say a few generalizing about stupid things some ow believe, but I am not here to fight...I just hate the catty ass crap that gets said on here putting ow against BS...when the fact is most likely both were lied to and played for a fool at some point. Know what I mean? Here is a place where we can learn from each other...no matter what side of the triangle you fall on. 1
krazikat Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 I appreciate your confusion/irritation with me. I know it sounds like hoo-ey. My ego is probably protecting me from realizing I got played by a garden variety scumbag & I'm overdramatizing. I really hope so, as I really want to put this behind me. ....i am confused?? You ended the affair a year ago, then found out MM was a serial scumbag, and think you are getting a real taste of what it is like to be a BS? If I have that right, girl that experience in no way gives you a real BS experience. Being a BS is a soul crushing experience...you are betrayed by the one person who is your partner in life, your best friend and confidant, to found out they are sharing what they vowed was yours with someone else is...well, it is hard to put into words, but it sucks. Now, I get the heartache and hurt feelings and shock that they are not who they presented themselves to be, and you are entitled to that...but it absolutely does not compare to the BS experience....and I hope you never have to experience that.... I was cheated on the last time I believed in things like promises and true love. I was 24. It hurt like hell, I was devastated. I can't imagine being much older than that and being surprised by cheating behavior, but that's me. I'm a terrible, worn-out cynic. You're absolutely right--experiencing the gaslighting part is nowhere near the devastation of actually being in love with who you thought was your soul life/mate. I can't even wrap my head around that. If I could fully understand that I NEVER would have started the A. Also: I felt betrayed by marriage, the old bait-and-switch. "Have my babies and clean my house and I will never see you as a romantic partner or person I respect ever again. And you're trapped in it forever" This, for me, was the most painful betrayal of my lifetime. I'm like: "ok..so I belong to you but you don't want me." ...sooooo did all of this happen during the affair or was it after you ended it? If it was during, did you say anything to him about it or ask him to back off the smothering behavior? If you were still in am active A when he did this, then it is not so much stalking, but if you had already ended it then definitely odd. Did you ever confront him about it? It happened during the affair and during breakups--but you're right---if he felt some kind of connection like LC, and he continued to pursue, I had a hand in fostering that. ....so this leads me to believe.the prior behavior was during the A...hmmmm. So he is a neighbor? If he lives.close then not so weird. Except you said you had already broke up with him, so he should have respected you enough to stay away...unless you were still communicating with him in an ea kind of way? What was your communication with him like at this time? Yes he lives nearby. As I stated, if I am to be honest. my NC was often LC, with emotionally charged communication. Okay, I seriously dont get this. What does getting sassy with the police have to do with not being concerned about getting caught? Please clarify...this doesnt seem to be weord or stalking type behavior as written? I dunno---just a kind of boundarilessness and total disregard and arrogance about rules/authority tha I thought could point to a criminal mindset. Why were you comparing notes? And are the lyrics to a popular song or did you write them? He may be unoriginal using the same stuff on another woman but how is this stalking? How is this threatening to you? If you ended the A a year ago why do you care what he is saying to his new mow? We compared notes because she got some "hints" from me something had happened btw he & I, which I minimized. My denial gave her the greenlight to go for it with his online bad boy self (she doesn't know the Nice Guy--he and I met IRL, they met online through a kind of NSA website). The song lyrics are just in his email address he uses with her--but that's no biggie--but he steals other material from me too. Jokes, accusations I used on him, he uses on her, Graphic sex imagery I made up he uses on her. I guess it's just all being unoriginal and just a bit vengeful--like it's fun for him to act out this idea of punishing me, with her (in private, to his estimation.) I am ok with this, she's strong & is armed with info, I worry for the 23 year old he meets that buys the Nice Guy act hook line and sinker. It's nothing specifically dangerous, it's the total crazy-making experience,the combined, one-two-punch of all the effects together that make me think he's highly unstable. But as I said--this is what cheating is--a high risk, totally boundariless experience where you care about getting needs met at ANY cost. SO why should I be surprised if I'm getting a taste of (the male version of) my own medicine? Okay, this whole post confuses me. Has he threatened you? Was he abusive diring the A? He was not abusive during the A, but would sometimes joke about violent things (so would I--I have a sick sense of humor). He would joke about stalking me. After one breakup he said "I may just have to scrape the letters off my van and swipe you off the streets." The stalking was subtle and insidious but it's been 2 years of it (the past 6 months since he joined that site the stalking has died down, though he still contacts me.) He has threatened my friend. Said he'd kill her if she told anyone--passed it off as a joke. I am not a fan of drama. I am anxious to put this behind me. I am very ashamed of myself. Thanks for the clarification on everything. Ya, he sounds like a real creepy jerky ass hat. You are definitely better off without him...are you taking steps to ensure your safety? Does he have keys or passcodes that would give him access to any of your stuff?
Author HeSh_tTheBed Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 Seriously, your comment about wives being REALLY DUMB believing ow pursued their wh...come on now. Did you really have to go there? Do you know what it is like to be a BS? It is gut wrenching, absolutely devastating pain. Your entire world changes immediately. You could have some compassion...And really, I could say a few generalizing about stupid things some ow believe, but I am not here to fight...I just hate the catty ass crap that gets said on here putting ow against BS...when the fact is most likely both were lied to and played for a fool at some point. Know what I mean? Here is a place where we can learn from each other...no matter what side of the triangle you fall on. You're absolutely right, that was totally unnecessary. Terrible, actually, and I had no right...The reason I am "smart"enough to not believe him is because I already KNOW he's a cheater, she doesn't. I'm sorry really. I''ve never been a BS, but I was cheated on by every boyfriend post-high school. Almost every single one. And every girlfriend I have ever had has been cheated on more than once. And I was devastated each and every time, wondering :"Where's my love? Where's the man for me?" completely unable to comprehend my world was one thing one minute, then another thing the very next. I often think my H is cheating on me now, based on what I know on here. And having children with the person you think is your soul mate (if you believe in soul mates, which I don't) takes it to a whole 'nother level, I can see that. Sometimes I think we have to modernize the fairy tale. Because I think it's a lie, I do. Sometimes I think THAT'S what this site is for...to come up with a new narrative about love and romance. I dunno. I'm pretty devastated.
MorbidFever Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 Thanks for checking in, and thanks for the update. It's so crazy what's happening to you. I was talking with my shrink the other day, wondering if I somehow magnetize this kind of attention/treatment into my life. She said "No." but who knows... Please be careful. I hope you are learning that boundaries are your friends. Establish boundaries--lots of them---early and often. We women were not put on God's Green Earth to be some guy's endlessly exploitable resource for attention, support, love & satisfaction. In the words of vintage Janet Jackson "What Have you Done For Me Lately?" I sometimes think we're wired to be doormats & victims and we have to work hard at not being that. I dunno... My situation is still unfolding. The OW2 confronted him. He immediately emailed me to convince me SHE was some kind of predator (same way he explained me to his wife.) It is comical, these guys with the "she wouldn't let up, kept emailing me" crap. Duh, assh*le YOU SHOWED UP WITH YOUR D*CK AT HER DOOR< YOU ARE DRIVING THAT VEHICLE!! It's amazing the wives that believe this sh*t. You have to be REALLY DUMB to believe that, it's just incredible to me that it ever works, and the guy is banking on the idea that your ego needs are so great you'll feel good competing with another woman and being chosen. I am not that gal. I am a gal's gal. Ugh. It is still unclear if he's dangerous. He is trying to hint at seeing me again. I told him I am 100% considering every statement of his a lie and if he does one remotely stalky thing, I am getting the police and 2 husbands involved. I'll keep you posted if he tries anything. OW2 is afraid in her own home, because he's claiming she was on a "mission" to ruin him, and he's mad at HER for hurting me!!!! Which is a very weird and not at all sane interpretation of events. He has idealized me and demonized her for now. She joked with me that he'll come after her with a shotgun and I'll end up with my face above his mantle in a few weeks. Then again..we could just be dealing with a cliche serial cheater. This is what they're made of. A smidge away from a terrifyingly desperate-when-cornered criminal mindset. I will probably expose all this to my H. This marriage, too, is a sham. How could I be living all this drama w/o my H's knowledge? There is zero intimacy, that's why. Be safe. Involve as many people as you can. I agree with the shrink. We don't invite the behavior, but definitely have the choice to unwelcome it. You're definitely not a doormat, don't let this guy manipulate you into seeing him again or continuing a relationship. Your exMM is just off the rails! How is he maintaining all these relationships at once. He's living like what, three lives? I just can't understand that and plus his W not knowing. I would guess he likes and thrives off the dysfunction and drama. It's almost like when one woman is 'picking on him' he runs to the other and hides under her skirt! I would distance yourself from both of them. So sorry all this crazy drama is happening to you. I admit, it was fun watching mine have a meltdown at first, but it just becomes distracting and emotionally draining.
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