Miserable.

[UCFKevin]

Quick backstory:

 

Five years ago, I met this girl by pure chance. I walked by her in a store, where she worked. We basically stared at each other but I just walked away, too much of a coward. I hurried home and searched on AOL for someone that worked at her store, and I found one and just took a chance (a coward chance but a chance nonetheless) that it might be her. It was. That began a very long, tumultuous relationship, if you can even call it that, between each other. We were nuts about each other, but sadly, as is the case usually, bad timing was very firmly in place. She was having problems with her boyfriend while we met so we hit it off big time but then she went back to him. This happened a few times, even swapped places, too, I had a girl and she was single but nothing happened still. That was were it ended. I moved to LA and that was it.

 

I came home to Florida for the holidays and decided to look her up. I found her and she was very surprised to hear from me and wanted to see me, so we hung out Sunday and also Monday night. It was very weird, having no relationship barriers between us, like there was nothing that said, "I can't, I'm taken," it was all free. But...I don't live there.

 

The problem? We're still nuts about each other. All this time. All it took was a few hours together and we both knew that it's still there. She's amazing. Sweet. Funny. Beautiful. Smart. Fun. She's everything I want, in all honesty, except she's across the f*cking country from me.

 

Nothing happened other than many hugs and a few deep, passionate kisses that almost made things worse and she basically shoved me away because if I stayed, we'd only get hurt more, and I agreed and left and realized how much I respected her for that.

 

Today, I've been thinking about her nonstop. Thinking about what the hell to do. Do I stay in California and try to achieve the career of my dreams or do I come back home, to my family and friends who miss me so damn much, and win the heart of the girl of my dreams?

 

Needless to say, it's a ridiculously hard choice. My gut...I don't even know what my gut says. There is no clearcut answer. I'm not even leaning a certain way. I have absolutely no clue what to do. I'll probably stick around in California for a while more, and if I WERE to come back to Florida, I know that I'd come back to her and she'd be taken again. Bad timing, you see. In Florida, there's basically no chance of doing what I truly want to do, but in California, I really don't think I'd be able to find a girl like her. She's one in a million. Five years of this, and I've never been after getting her in bed. Not once was that an issue. Not once was it about sex. It was always much more than that, so that should tell you something. I love it in LA but it's so ridiculously hard to live out there, so expensive, so much crap going on, so many worthless people, and it's a pain in the ass to have to weed out the good ones, it really is. There are many good ones but God almighty, there's some trash there, too. It's awful. Mostly women. For every great girl out there, there's about twenty horrible ones.

 

So...yeah...no clue. I'm going insane. Really quite hurting, and it's been a long f*cking time since I've felt like this. And I hate it.

 

Anyone ever been in a situation like this?

[moimeme]

Thankfully, no I haven't. Does she understand and support your desire to have the career of your dreams? If so, does she support it enough to move to California to be with you? If not, why not?

[tanbark813]

I can't relate to your story, exactly, but it seems to me that your best bet is to tell her how you feel about her and see if she would be willing to move out to Cali. Might as well give it a shot. The worst she can say is no.

[Naive]

Yup and I still regret not choosing to stay and at least try to be with the person I loved and until this point still love.

[Adunaphel]

Kevin, I don't have any similar experiences to share, but I am sorry to hear you have such a tough choice to make.

 

Are you 100% positive that if you moved back to Florida you and the girl of your dreams would get together?

Is she in love with you?

Are you sure she feels for you the same you feel for her?

 

Could she move to California with you, or at least could she come visit you for a big amount of time?

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it's the best for you

[Pocky]

I sold my new car, packed up my things and moved to another country to give love a try. When that one didn't work, I came home, bought an old car from my grandmother, packed up my things and moved to a state with no friends or family and $500 in my pocket to give love a try with someone new. When that didn't work, I drove four hours to meet my husband. I'm a romantic. Love is the most important thing to me. I'd find another way to reach my career goals, but I'd never pass up the chance for that one in a lifetime love.

[LiveLoveLaugh]

Kevin,

It sounds like you are seriously heartbroken. Do you love her? I mean in the way that you are willing to sacrafice your dreams, the ones that made you come to CA in the first place? Or, at least put them on hold for a little while. And, do you think she loves you? Did she ask you to stay? Can you stay in FL a little longer, spend some more time with her and see if this is really meant to be? Sweetie, if it is love, don't pass it up.

My advice

[tiki]

Aren't you kinda jumping the gun? Or putting the carriage before the horse? Have you asked her how she feels? If it's even a possibility of a relationship?

 

I say give it a little time. Make her be dedicated to you long distance and see how it pans out.

[UCFKevin]

I asked her if she'd come back with me. She's too scared to move out there. Not only because of the costs and the unknown factor but she's big on family too and doesn't want to leave them.

 

I wouldn't want her to have a long distance relationship with me. I can't do that to someone else when I wouldn't want it done to me. Especially when I have no clue when I'd see her again. I can't do that to myself or her. Too painful.

 

I don't know if I'm heartbroken but it's as close as you can get without knowing for sure, I think. It just really really sucks.

 

I have absolutely no clue what to do.

 

Of course she supports me and wants me to succeed and be out there but she also wants me back here, too. There's no doubt in my mind that if I did come back, she and I would be together, if not forever, for a very very long time. It's 100%. It's just one of those "meant to be" things. I mean, five years, c'mon. I don't think we're in love with each other, we haven't seen each other in two years, but it's like, immediately, when we embraced, it was the old days again, for both of us. It was really quite odd. But I dunno. It's hard to say. But I can wholeheartedly say I'm not jumping the gun.

 

<sigh>

 

Yeah. Miserable.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, OK well I would take a 'break' from LA, go back home and see how this thing plays out. Seems it is in the cards for you both, especially cuz those feelings are still there after all this time.

 

Tell her how you feel. Really be open and honest and tell her how much she is in your blood. Maybe she can come to LA for afew weeks holidays and see how things happen on your turf???

 

Yeah that achy heart (OH god, now I have that Billy Ray Cyrus song in my head...Achy breaky heart! LOL! sorry!!) feeling really SUCKS.

 

Let us know what happens Kev, and hang in there...I really hope it works out because you two have something special.

[indigo_moon]

1) Do you know if she feels as strongly about you as you feel about her? Has she ever talked about her feelings for you, particularly recently, now that you've had a chance to spend time together?

 

2) During this time you've spent together, did she make any comments about how sad she was that you'd soon be going back to FL? About missing you?

 

Some suggestions:

 

a) considering the fact that you've never really had a relationship in the past, due to bad timing, etc....I think it's critical that you both spend good quality time together.........like her coming to LA to spend a couple of weeks with you, you extending your stay there now or in a while.............to spend time together and really get to know each other well....find out if you're both on the same page in terms of what you want from life, a possible relationship, possible future dreams (do you both hope to get married one day? have children?), career goals, etc.

 

It would be a real shame for you to do something hasty like up and leave your career there in FL only to find "this" isn't really real and she's not as serious as you are.

 

b) tell her how you feel if you haven't already. Just lay it on the line..........how you met her 5 yrs ago, you've never forgotten her, she makes you feel like nobody else has, you can really see a good relationship there.............see how she responds.........if you're sure she's on the same wavelength, then talk about realities.............would you try a long distance relationship? Would she ever be willing to relocate to LA? Would you?

 

A lot of this, and what you're going to do depends on how she feels and if she feels the same as you feel............and whether she hopes there could be a future for you both, or at least be willing to explore it seriously.

[moimeme]

I wouldn't want her to have a long distance relationship with me. I can't do that to someone else when I wouldn't want it done to me. Especially when I have no clue when I'd see her again. I can't do that to myself or her. Too painful.

 

Well, I suggest you have a long distance relationship with plans to see each other again soon. This time, she visits you to see how un-scary LA really is. In this day and age of email and webcams and telephone and airplanes, nobody's that far away.

 

I think you take a year or so to flesh out the relationship, fuelled by a few more visits, and if there is something real there, then talk about who moves where. LDRs don't generally exist of and for themselves; they are a temporary stopgap until the people can be together. If this is a real love that has survived that long, it should also survive a year or so of an LDR, now shouldn't it?

[quankanne]

have hope, Kevin ...

 

just before graduating from college, a friend of mine met up with this woman who worked on campus. He was crazy about her, but had already committed himself to law school in Houston. So, according to a mutual friend, Phill courted Ana long distance.

 

he wrote long letters that he mailed her every day. he called her every day. he let her know that she was the singlemost important person in his life, and that he was hurrying to get through law school so he could return to Kingsville, to her. I don't know how often they got to meet up or if he managed to keep his 4.0 GPA, but I do know that after a few years of courting her like this, he graduated law school, popped the question and now lives in South Texas with Ana and their three kids.

 

you'll figure what you will need to do, but remember, Kevin, sometimes, the sacrifices you make for a relationship makes it all the more sweeter when you achieve what you hope to achieve ...

[alphamale]

forget about the broad for now and concentrate on your career. if it is meant to be with her then it will happen naturally and nothing will keep u 2 apart, even 2500 measly miles.

 

yes, LA does suck. I lived out there for a year and moved back to detroit cause i hated it so much. but the sunshine and fake boobies were very nice!

[clandestinidad]

I think it's critical that you both spend good quality time together.........like her coming to LA to spend a couple of weeks with you, you extending your stay there now or in a while.............to spend time together and really get to know each other well....find out if you're both on the same page in terms of what you want from life, a possible relationship, possible future dreams (do you both hope to get married one day? have children?), career goals, etc.

 

I completely agree with this advice.

 

You know I've been in a LDR for about 5-6 months. Its not ever ideal, but its the only possibility right now. I think ya'll should start a relationship, phone/email/long visits.....whatever it takes until you know more about each other (values, goals, views on relationships, etc etc). When you know more and have invested that time, you will know what you should do in regards to someone moving.

 

You might have been wondering about her all these years just b/c you never got to be with her. Like a case of wondering what COULD have been. Have you ever felt this way/wondered about anyone else that you didnt get a chance to be with?? What I mean by that is: she might be the only girl that you never "got", so you still want to get her. Did any of that make sense!?!

 

Anyway, I think it might be foolish to leave everything right now....I'd say do a LD thing until you both know more and have invested time in it. B/c really, why rush it now...I'd hate for you to hurry and leave LA, find out that this girl isnt what you've been dreaming about &/or have the relationship end in a month or so, and then what. Give it time...dont throw anything away until you reeeaaally know that you're meant to be.

[moimeme]

You might have been wondering about her all these years just b/c you never got to be with her. Like a case of wondering what COULD have been

 

Totally agree. It's the easiest thing in the world to be crazy about someone - even for years - until you actually spend lots of time with that person as a couple. That's a whole other dynamic that's not enhanced by the thwarted longing syndrome.

[UCFKevin]

That's very true. Very very true. I have no clue what would happen, if we'd get along, but I'd be willing to find out. I have a feeling it would be amazing, though. When we're together, it's honestly like we're the only two people in the world.

 

I thought about it and I think I am, actually, capable of doing the long distance thing. So if she's willing, why the hell not. I'll give it a go. Maybe she'll come out to see me, maybe I'll come back to see her, etc.

 

But one thing is for sure, there is definitely still something there on her part, not just mine. She basically had to kick me out because she was already feeling those old feelings again and knew it would be even more painful and hard if I were to spend the night than to just leave then, with me leaving for CA and all.

 

I've been thinking about her all damn day. Been ages since I've done something foolish like that.

[Lonestar]

Take a month off from LA and go back to Florida. See what happens in that month that you're home, and most of your questions should be answered, but don't let it go, because you'll wonder for the rest of your life what could have been, and the next time you go home she could be married and pregnant with his child.

 

That will leave you in the dust forever, unless you become the OM and find more reasons to post here on LS ;-)

[clandestinidad]

but don't let it go, because you'll wonder for the rest of your life what could have been

 

I meant to add something along this line earlier....

 

If you dont go ahead and find out, then you'll eventually get married to someone else and still wonder about her. I dont really think that would be fair...I dont know anyone that wouldnt be hurt by that....feeling like their spouse settled for them, and still dreams about what it would be like if they were w/ someone else

[midori]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

That's very true. Very very true. I have no clue what would happen, if we'd get along, but I'd be willing to find out. I have a feeling it would be amazing, though. When we're together, it's honestly like we're the only two people in the world.

 

Kevin, is there a friendship between the two of you? It doesn't sound like there is, it sounds like there's a strong attraction between the two of you, which perhaps was too strong to allow the two of you to pursue a friendship when you were with other people....

 

.... but doesn't that sound a bit weird? I know, life circumstances, endless complications. But if you two are "meant to be," why didn't one or the other of you break up with boyfriend/girlfriend when you were both in the same place? If the connection is so strong, why hadn't the two of you been in touch in more than two years?

 

Not to be quelling, but your situation raises a lot of skepticism in me. The feelings you describe are delicious, and I'm not saying they wouldn't be worth pursuing. I'm just questioning if you should be applying the label of "love" to it, when it really does sound as though the two of you aren't even genuine friends. Great things can come out of infatuation, lust, etc. -- they might be the things that draw you together and finally allow the two of you to build real friendship and lasting love. But they themselves tend to be ephemeral and not something to count on.

 

I just worry about people who respond to that initial wham! of feeling because they think it's love. Which always seems to happen when one is feeling low about life in general, wishing for change, etc. -- at least that's been so with the friends I've witnessed this in; things never lasted and often ended badly. It sounds like a 5 year crush to me. Nothing wrong with that, if that is indeed the case. It could become love. Long-distance relationship might not be so bad (not a good thing in my experience but it works for some people); at a minimum the two of you should keep in touch and see if you can establish a long-distance friendship.

 

Whatever you end up doing, good luck!

[UCFKevin]

Well, you will notice that I never mentioned anything about being in love in anything I've said, only the familiarity of how we once felt for each other. I'm not really low on life or yearning for change, hell, I've experienced the biggest change of my life recently, so it isn't that.

 

As for friends, I dunno, I find it tough to be just friends with someone you're nuts about, it's just an impossibility for me, as it was for her, but we get along and can talk to each other, hell, if anything, we hung out as friends the other two nights more so than anything else.

 

And the crush thing? Yes, I too have wondered why we never ended things with the others we were with for each other, not that this says anything but I was in anguish at the time when I was seeing someone else, I SHOULD'VE left her for this girl but I didn't. Fear, I suppose, took hold. But I don't feel it's a crush. I don't think it can be. A five year crush? Crushes are fleeting, generally, no? And don't last a two year break in contact, do they?

 

Taking a month off from LA isn't possible, where will I live for a month? My parents live two hours away so that would do me no good and I couldn't ask a friend to let me stay around for a month on their couch or something.

 

I forgot to mention this but she suggested that we talk often and keep in touch and, "see what happens." So...that's something, hmm?

[midori]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

Well, you will notice that I never mentioned anything about being in love in anything I've said, only the familiarity of how we once felt for each other. I'm not really low on life or yearning for change, hell, I've experienced the biggest change of my life recently, so it isn't that.

 

True, but the word has been bandied about in this conversation and I just thought it was important to raise the question. Sounds like you've got a handle on that.

 

I forgot to mention this but she suggested that we talk often and keep in touch and, "see what happens." So...that's something, hmm?

 

That sounds like a very good thing: a good sign about where she stands, and also a good sign about the sort of person she is. I agree with what you wrote in your first post, her cautiousness about jumping into something that could hurt you both is a good sign about her. And anyway, frequent communication will be good, no matter what direction you decide to go with her.

[jellybean]

Welcome to the world of LDR's!...good luck

[UCFKevin]

Well, we've both been screwed over in the past, so we're both not fools about this sort of thing. I'm just very impressed by how strong she is now.

 

Still. Things can never be easy between us. Never have been. Schieza.

 

But nevertheless...there is hope. There's always hope.

[moimeme]

A five year crush?

 

Sure.

 

Crushes are fleeting, generally, no?

 

Not necessarily. In fact, the longer they go on in fantasyland, the longer they can last. It's reality that kills them off.

 

And don't last a two year break in contact, do they?

 

Consider people who have major crushes on movie stars, musicians, etc. They can have them for years and years and there is usually no contact whatsoever.