He asked for “time and space”

[sunmaid2010]

I met my ex (I’ll call him ex because he asked for “time and space” while I was on an extended vacation in the US in 2011. I live in a different country. We hit it off instantly. He is a Gemini, working as school administrator and he does counseling for children. He is divorced, with a teenage son. He has good relations with his ex wife.

 

We first got to know each other thru an internet dating site while I was on vacation. We decided to meet, with me flying over to his place. We hit it off instantly. I’ve met his son, his ex and his friends. They were all very nice to me and liked and loved me for him.

 

Then I had to leave the US to return to my country and we promised to hold on to our relationship. Even oceans apart, we manage to keep our relationship. Although, December 2012, I caught him going back to the dating website where we met. He said he did not mean to date anyone but he was pretty lonely and he wanted to know if I was the one for him. He asked for forgiveness which I gave him,

 

This year, 2013, I went back to the US for a visit. I stayed at his place for the duration of my vacation. I am friends with his ex and his son and all of his friends. And in some occasions I feel that he is pressured because his friends and his son kept on asking when we are going to marry.

 

We never had any argument, whether big or small. We are happy together, we always laugh and we do things together like walking, exercising, going on countryside trips, cleaning his house and his garden, cook together. We have good conversations, we can discuss almost anything under the sun. I give him his “alone time” as he respects mine too.

 

But as a Gemini, he is what we some would call a “chick magnet”, he likes having female friends. While I do not want him to lose his friends, I sometimes feel that he prioritize his friends over me. We have a healthy discussion about this and he explained why he does this. And I tried to understand that he is generally a nice guy with big heart for anyone in need.

 

While I was still in the US, we discussed our situation. He said that ours is a difficult situation because it is a long distance relationship. He said that the ideal scenario is for me to live there independently and we date. But I said that when he pursued me, he knew our situation. He said that he did not want to be pressured into marrying me And I said that I was not pressuring him at all. We actually planned for me to study there and continue with our relationship.

 

The time has come for me to return to my country. On the day of my departure, he said that if I cannot visit him in December then he would visit me in the summer (June) and that I should come with him when he return to the US.

 

So I went back to my country, resumed my work because if I were to go schooling In the US I wanted to have some money and not be financially dependent on him.

For the last 3 months we have been in constant communication. Knowing that his son stays with his mom more than he stays with him, and he being alone most of the time, I saw to it that I would text him in the morning and in the evening. I thought I would keep the communication constant and for him not to feel totally alone.

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, he suddenly asked for “some space” to think if he is “ready for marriage”., if he is ready to marry me, since we cannot continue “just visiting each other. But this is after we made plans for summer. He said I “perfect” and that there is nothing wrong with me but it was him who has a problem.. that he has issues with marriage. He said that he married his ex-wife only when she got herself pregnant, and the other woman whom he had a long relationship also tried to force him to marry him so that is why they broke up.

 

I told him that I never put a pressure on him. In fact I was thinking of ways to be with him. Of course, I did try to convince him that we were good together, and enumerated my traits and qualities. I know this sound desperate, and I shouldn’t have done that. But despite of the shock and pain I felt, I still tried to understand him. I gave him the “space “ he asked for. I wrote him a letter stating that I support his desire for a Space, reminded him of our good times together, that I do not want to beg him because I want to keep my dignity, and assured him that I love him. I closed my letter stating that I hope he finds his way back to me in time.

 

He said it was a “break up but only different”, akin to a cooling off period. But when I asked for the parameters , he just said that he will be sure of his feelings by summer, that we can still communicate and text each other with friendly texts, and that he has no interest in meeting other women during this period.

 

I do not know what to make of this. It seems to be that he is just readying me to a final break up. He still says that he loves me and asked me to bear with him for his inconsistent behavior. He just needed to be sure if he wants/or ready to be married.

 

I try to make excuses for what he is undergoing. He definitely feels pressured at work, and maybe feels pressured by his friends constantly asking us about our status. I am also aware that he probably feels sad during this period because it is holiday season and he is there and I am here. I do believe he loves me, but I am not sure now if he is still in love with me despite him saying so.

 

I initiated a no contact rule the day after we broke up/cooled off (November 5). A catastrophe hit my country and yet despite of that he did not send me a message. I broke off the NC when I texted him about the tragedy in my country. He said he was very worried about me and he tried texting (viber) but that the messages wouldn’t go through. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though I felt so sad that he couldn’t bring himself to ask my situation on a time like this.

 

It’s been 9 days of no communication between us. I tried to resist sending him messages. Whenever I have the urge to send him a viber message, I would turn off my phone. I threw myself into exercising and volunteering for relief operations in our country. I tried to make myself busy but at the end of the day, I still think of and miss him a lot.

 

I know that I love this man, and even if I understood and supported his desire for a break, I fear that we will drift apart because he refused to contact me. He is a counselor, and I am sure he knows this NC rule, and is probably using it against me too. He is a Gemini and I know that people under this sign is vey stubborn and they have really big ego/pride, and I think he won’t contact me because of this. Gemini man has a tendency to be bored easily, although I know that if he is going to be bored of me it was because of our distance and not my nature.

 

I don’t know what to do this time. I love him and I really want for us to work on this relationship but he seems to have quit without even trying. I sometimes feel that I m the only one doing everything to keep our relationship going. It seems he only likes things/relationships to be somewhat easy. Of course nobody wanted a complicated relationship, but if he jumps bail his early, then how can I rely on him when the relationship gets into a really tough time in the future (if there is even a future). I know I shouldn’t feel this way but Ive always believed that when you are with the right person, it just gets better in time, and that if he is happy with me then he wouldn’t question his feelings or desire to commit to me.

 

 

Does the 8-month cooling off period , really a cooling off period? Or is this his way of saying it is a final break up? He has always been vocal with me, but im not sure this time around if he is just softening the blow for me. I don’t want to give up on him and I want to give our relationship a chance because I believe God did not allow us to go this far without any plan for us.

[nomadic_butterfly]

[quote=sunmaid2010;5354823

 

"Then I had to leave the US to return to my country and we promised to hold on to our relationship. Even oceans apart, we manage to keep our relationship. Although, December 2012, I caught him going back to the dating website where we met. He said he did not mean to date anyone but he was pretty lonely and he wanted to know if I was the one for him. He asked for forgiveness which I gave him,"

 

Ok. That means from the beginning it was clear he couldn't handle a LDR.

 

"This year, 2013, I went back to the US for a visit. I stayed at his place for the duration of my vacation. I am friends with his ex and his son and all of his friends. And in some occasions I feel that he is pressured because his friends and his son kept on asking when we are going to marry."

 

You do realize generally speaking if visas are involved marriage needs to be imminent or it is pointless right? 3 yrs of back and forth is not really worth it to most people if there's no concrete plan in sight from both parties.

 

"We never had any argument, whether big or small."

 

Yes you have. When you caught him on that website. A relationship of any nature devoid of disagreement isn't exactly a "good thing," you need to know if and how you two can resolve issues as a couple. If they never arise at all, you won't know how he handles pressure and if it is possible to compromise and triumph.

 

"But as a Gemini, he is what we some would call a “chick magnet”, he likes having female friends. While I do not want him to lose his friends, I sometimes feel that he prioritize his friends over me. We have a healthy discussion about this and he explained why he does this. And I tried to understand that he is generally a nice guy with big heart for anyone in need."

 

Are you sure this is strictly platonic? I am not sure I believe this after the website thing and him hammering the point that he is so lonely. I can't imagine placing guy friends before my man. Boundaries are of the essence.

 

"While I was still in the US, we discussed our situation. He said that ours is a difficult situation because it is a long distance relationship. He said that the ideal scenario is for me to live there independently and we date. But I said that when he pursued me, he knew our situation. He said that he did not want to be pressured into marrying me And I said that I was not pressuring him at all. We actually planned for me to study there and continue with our relationship."

 

Why is it your fault if outside influences are "pressuring" him about marriage? Unless you yourself are hounding him about it that should be inconsequential. Provided you've spent sufficient time together 3yrs is more than enough time to know if marriage is in the cards; you are full adults not teenagers. And if you move for him he should be able to help you get on your feet. A place to stay, emotional and financial support. What is he bringing to the table? He wants everything laid out FOR HIM on a platter? Does compromise mean anything to him?

 

"The time has come for me to return to my country. On the day of my departure, he said that if I cannot visit him in December then he would visit me in the summer (June) and that I should come with him when he return to the US."

 

And how does he suppose you do that? You need a legal basis to be in the US unless you will come for a few months as a visitor but you need to keep your job in your home country.

 

"So I went back to my country, resumed my work because if I were to go schooling In the US I wanted to have some money and not be financially dependent on him."

 

Yea but US schools are some of the most expensive in the world. Unless on your own you really wanted to study here, I don't see why you should be busting your balls like this for a half-arsed man. You guys don't even have a solid game plan 3yrs later.

 

"Almost 2 weeks ago, he suddenly asked for “some space” to think if he is “ready for marriage”., if he is ready to marry me, since we cannot continue “just visiting each other. But this is after we made plans for summer. He said I “perfect” and that there is nothing wrong with me but it was him who has a problem.. that he has issues with marriage. He said that he married his ex-wife only when she got herself pregnant, and the other woman whom he had a long relationship also tried to force him to marry him so that is why they broke up."

 

Because this would be the next logical step. Most rational people don't want incessant pen pals. Something has to give. In order for you to stay for a long time and move, marriage and visas need to come into play. LDR are also extremely emotionally and mentally and financially taxing; one has to really evaluate if the person/situation is worth it before doing all of that.

 

My interest and I met online last year. We're supposed to meet in a few months. He already had plans to move to the US prior to even meeting me. I would not entertain it otherwise and recently I've dated locally. Even when we meet soon, until he moves here permanently next summer/fall I cannot take it 100% seriously. I need to know for sure. Unless he blows me away of course (trying not to set the expectations too high before meeting).

 

"I told him that I never put a pressure on him. In fact I was thinking of ways to be with him. Of course, I did try to convince him that we were good together, and enumerated my traits and qualities. I know this sound desperate, and I shouldn’t have done that. But despite of the shock and pain I felt, I still tried to understand him. I gave him the “space “ he asked for. I wrote him a letter stating that I support his desire for a Space, reminded him of our good times together, that I do not want to beg him because I want to keep my dignity, and assured him that I love him. I closed my letter stating that I hope he finds his way back to me in time."

 

You were not putting pressure on him which is fine, but by year 2 closing the distance should have been in the cards; you met his family and gained their acceptance. Never ever try to "convince" anyone of your qualities. They need to see and discern for themselves to appreciate. You will never be "good enough" to someone who doesn't come to the conclusion of your stellar traits on his own. But you implicitly begged him but love sometimes causes one to lay aside his/her dignity.

 

"He said it was a “break up but only different”, akin to a cooling off period. But when I asked for the parameters , he just said that he will be sure of his feelings by summer, that we can still communicate and text each other with friendly texts, and that he has no interest in meeting other women during this period."

 

"I do not know what to make of this. It seems to be that he is just readying me to a final break up. He still says that he loves me and asked me to bear with him for his inconsistent behavior. He just needed to be sure if he wants/or ready to be married."

 

"I try to make excuses for what he is undergoing."

 

"I know that I love this man, and even if I understood and supported his desire for a break, I fear that we will drift apart because he refused to contact me."

 

Love is a two way street. You know, he knows and I can see. Is this level of devotion requited?

 

"I don’t know what to do this time. I love him and I really want for us to work on this relationship but he seems to have quit without even trying. I sometimes feel that I m the only one doing everything to keep our relationship going. It seems he only likes things/relationships to be somewhat easy. Of course nobody wanted a complicated relationship, but if he jumps bail his early, then how can I rely on him when the relationship gets into a really tough time in the future (if there is even a future). I know I shouldn’t feel this way but Ive always believed that when you are with the right person, it just gets better in time, and that if he is happy with me then he wouldn’t question his feelings or desire to commit to me."

 

Well you are putting in almost all the effort and he is coping out. I cannot fully blame him because we are not naturally wired to be apart from those we love and are attached too. Goes against our biology and psychology. I've had times when I've told my interest just call me when he gets here. It's tough and unnatural. If I weren't marriage minded I wouldn't even bother.

 

"Does the 8-month cooling off period , really a cooling off period? Or is this his way of saying it is a final break up"?

 

He needs to believe in your relationship as much as you do to make it work. I don't believe in putting that much space into a functional relationship. To be honest it sounds like he wants to explore his local options before you meet again but at least he conscience will be clear while doing so b/c you are no longer a couple. If he doesn't meet anyone special during that time, he will wait for you, if he does find someone local worth pursuing, he will let you down easy. Still work and save but don't quit your job or enroll in any US schools until you are absolutely 100% clear of where you stand with him, a thorough plan of action to close the distance is in order, and your relationship is firm. He also needs to do some sacrificing.

 

"I don’t want to give up on him and I want to give our relationship a chance because I believe God did not allow us to go this far without any plan for us."

 

Ummm..."God" gave us free will. Sometimes "God" shows us his will for us and sometimes we willfully disobey. Sometimes how things play out is clearly indicative of the "answer." Although I am of faith, I think sometimes people try to attribute certain choices and things "to God" when it's just what we want and we search for a divine justification.

 

Sometimes he allows circumstances to teach us lessons. For instance, if my interest and I don't pan out (God forbid) I can say the situation showed me an internal mirror of the things in myself I didn't know were so bad and needed changing. I've been single for 5 1/2 yrs and now I am a 26yr old mature adult. I can at least say I am better, strong, wiser, and more patient and it challenged me to be a better person. It showed me how excited I can get again about someone new. It gave me hope. I won't know until later if it was "fate" or not.

Edited November 28, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly