happy chappy Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Hi there, not sure if this is the right sub forum. But I think it is. I had met somebody whilst backpacking and got very intense quickly and then some of her past issues made her back off after a couple of months (she realised and had forgotten she meant to do this trip to find some answers for herself). I was hard thing to accept, but understood where she was coming from. Anyways my trip had finished whilst hers continued on. We kept in touch and spoke through IM once a week or a fortnight. She mentioned once to me a month ago that she in enjoying being alone at the moment, but said she does miss me hasn't forgotten about me and once back at home she needs to think and talk with me, as she is fed up of always running away. I've being going along doing my own thing, but always had her in the back of my mind. Last night on facebook on my newsfeed it mentioned that she liked a picture and I noticed below it said 'lv u' to a guy. This came as a shock, however I know she is a very friendly open person and could have become just close friends. Can I ask her if what I saw means what I think it means? or will I just come across as an insecure jealous person? One the one hand I think I will just come across as a jealous person and perhaps I am seeing things that aren't there as I don't know the full story and need to trust her what she said earlier was true. Or am I just fooling myself into thinking that?
Ansem Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 seeing as how the two of you aren't even together then yes it will come off as incredibly insecure
Author happy chappy Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Yeah that was my thought too. I guess the constant mixed signals make me insecure as she asked me a little while back that she wants me to come and visit her, but I told her at the same time that if she just wants to be friends that I can't offer that. So if she has found somebody else (and I know she has every right to), I just want to move on and say, bye it was nice knowing you.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Yeah that was my thought too. I guess the constant mixed signals make me insecure as she asked me a little while back that she wants me to come and visit her, but I told her at the same time that if she just wants to be friends that I can't offer that. So if she has found somebody else (and I know she has every right to), I just want to move on and say, bye it was nice knowing you. Why give up just because she's seeing someone? If they aren't that serious and you make a big deal of it, you will also look insecure.
Author happy chappy Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Perhaps it is my insecurity talking, but I don't want to ever give somebody the feeling they can keep me as a backup option.
mutualove Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Why don't you make a move then?You said it yourself you can't be normal friends with her so the sooner you get out of limbo the better for your own good.Time only makes it harder and harder.
Author happy chappy Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 I have no problem making a move, she gets back home in a few days. But I don't know if I should mention what I saw or pretend I had never read that comment. appreciate the feedback you all gave me, it helps to talk.
mutualove Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Don't mention anything. And keep us posted if you like:) 1
BlametheIrish Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 seeing as how the two of you aren't even together then yes it will come off as incredibly insecure This exactly
Confusedguy81 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 As soon as you said facebook, I stopped reading. 2
Acacia98 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I've being going along doing my own thing, but always had her in the back of my mind. Last night on facebook on my newsfeed it mentioned that she liked a picture and I noticed below it said 'lv u' to a guy. This came as a shock, however I know she is a very friendly open person and could have become just close friends. Can I ask her if what I saw means what I think it means? or will I just come across as an insecure jealous person? One the one hand I think I will just come across as a jealous person and perhaps I am seeing things that aren't there as I don't know the full story and need to trust her what she said earlier was true. Or am I just fooling myself into thinking that? I don't know whether or not you should mention what you saw on Facebook. It really comes down to what works for you. Me, I would ask, whether or not it made me seem insecure. But that's because I value openness and communication and am ready to accept the consequences that come with 'seeming insecure.' You need to decide for yourself where you stand on that. If you do decide to ask, then you need to be careful about how you frame the question. Make sure you don't come across as if you feel entitled to a relationship with her. Make it clear that you are interested in dating her, but that if she's seeing somebody else, you will respect that.
Author happy chappy Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 I think I will send her a message, but perhaps not mention what I saw. Instead focussing on that I need an clear answer in regards to what she wants. I understand I will probably not get the answer I am looking for. I don't feel entitled to anything, but if she wants to date other people or be alone I will respect that (as difficult as it is). However I will have to make it clear that it was nice knowing her, because I have no interest in hanging around for that or just being friends. I genuinely want to move on if she can't make a decision.
Ansem Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 You can pursue her but don't mention anything about what you saw. Just state your intentions and if she's not interested then; like you said, respect her decision and move on.
StyleOnEm Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 DO NOT mention her facebook comment. That would make you look very stalkerish and definitely insecure. Talk to her as if she's already attracted to you. Get to know her & be playful through out the convo to switch things up. 1
lauri Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 A lot of guys would be jealous. The thing is if you show self-control and confidence it will only work to your advantage. In your mind, believe you are the best catch and that no girl would ever leave you for another man. Use that mentality and don't let her interaction with other men bother you. It'll only make you appear weak and insecure, which is a huge turn off. 3
Author happy chappy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 cheers peeps. When I first saw that comment I was going to do some stupid things and at the last minute I thought... wait, calm down and talk about it with others. Not only did I get some good advice, it helped me calm down and relax. Just about to right a friendly email but one where it makes clear where I stand and will move on if there is no interest. Will keep posted but it could take some time before I hear back as I will give her some space until we speak (and I do realise the most likely outcome isn't the one I want as otherwise I wouldn't have found this forum in the first place!).
esteem-jam Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Dont write any emails. Ask her to meet in person.
Author happy chappy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 I would love to. However she is still abroad and for the first few months at least, not exactly living next door as living about 500 miles apart.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 I don't understand why you need to tell her you will be moving on? Why can't you find out if she's interested first? If someone sent me a message saying, "Either we get romantic, or I'm not talking to you again." I'd be kind of pissed. Don't do that. You need to keep your conversations positive or you will end up sabotaging yourself. Stop with the negative talk and the consequences already. If she's interested, an email like that might turn her off.
Author happy chappy Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 I guess because we always have fun talking and still often use pet names etc... but it is kinda not friends, but not romantic either. Kinda in between and I'm not interested in that. I don't want to be somebody's backup, being a friend, give emotional support and hoping she might 'suddenly' realise what she has. I know from my past in order to move on I need those individuals out of my life. So yes I am looking for a way to make clear where I stand and let her realise she needs to make some kind of decision too without coming across forceful Does that kinda make sense what I am saying?
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I guess because we always have fun talking and still often use pet names etc... but it is kinda not friends, but not romantic either. Kinda in between and I'm not interested in that. I don't want to be somebody's backup, being a friend, give emotional support and hoping she might 'suddenly' realise what she has. I know from my past in order to move on I need those individuals out of my life. So yes I am looking for a way to make clear where I stand and let her realise she needs to make some kind of decision too without coming across forceful Does that kinda make sense what I am saying? I'm not saying you shouldn't find out if there can be a relationship. I'm saying you shouldn't tell her what the result will be if she's not available to you. There is absolutely no reason to tell her that you will be moving on. It's a negative thing to say to someone that you are interested in. You will gain absolutely nothing and you risk coming off like a dick. Don't try to kill 2 birds with this stone. Find out if she likes you... if there's a chance. If, and only if, she's not available or interested in dating you, then you can move on. You don't even have to tell her you're moving on at that point either. You could just bow out and let things be. But for some reason you seem to need to announce your every intention and move. Is there a reason you have to make everything known to her right now? Are you in some kind of hurry? A terminal illness that won't allow you enough time to do this right? Save the speeches man. This is the time for action. Do it or don't, but don't feel like you need to explain yourself.
Author happy chappy Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 thanks for the advice, appreciate it
mutualove Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 I guess because we always have fun talking and still often use pet names etc... but it is kinda not friends, but not romantic either. Kinda in between and I'm not interested in that. I don't want to be somebody's backup, being a friend, give emotional support and hoping she might 'suddenly' realise what she has. Wow that is EXACTLY describes my situation.Using pet names not being friends but not being officially together either.In the end when the elephant was faced she just kind of backed off and couldn't deal with it at the moment,I don't know if she went with someone else after me,or whatever but she did want me around and since like you I didn't want to be like her backup,give emotional support and what have you I said I couldn't be friends with her and ended things on a good term.Anyways I waited way too long but I have my reasons,you however should confront her and the sooner the better.And don't tell her either relationship or friends no no.It'd be like blackmailing.If the answer is no just fade away slowly.Good luck!
Author happy chappy Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 thought I would give a small update. I send her a message and a few days later she contacted me on IM that she got my mail and that we will talk no worries, as soon she is settled. I have not contacted her since, as I thought she will do once she is ready. So I guess only time will tell, however not exactly hopeful either. We will see...
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