Possibly pregnant, he wants abortion

[Bella_D]

Hello!

My boyfriend and I had some worries I could be pregnant (this morning I got my period). I was on the pill and most of the time we used condoms but there were a few times we had sex without a condom, he never came inside me though it was just precum. I went through so many opinions on precum and getting pregnant and it turns out it was possible. Anyway so.. We are in a long distance relationship for 7 months and he came to see me a week ago. We spend 17 amazing days together and since he went home we never stopped talking about our future together. We are having some discussions about moving in together after a few months and a few more meetings. Last night when we were talking about the possibilities of expecting he was acting like its not a bother for him and all and he had the solution straight away - abortion. I know having a baby now isn't the smartest thing we could possibly do but he is a grown man (27 years old and Im 17) and I thought he would be responsible enough to take care of the mess we made. It makes me feel quite bad, upset because he can't even realize what it would be if I actually got abortion. Of course he said it's up to me if I want to keep the baby or not (if there was one) because it was my body and he was going to support me through it. After I told him he has a word in that and it might be my body but it's our baby. Then he said he wants to have a family with me but not yet.. I don't know what to think about that because if you are responsible enough to have sex you should be responsible for the consequences and he clearly wasn't. It's hurting me the fact that he would so easily agree on getting rid of a baby and risk the possibility of having biological babies in future (I already have some problems with fertility, not that big though). Apart from that he completely cut off the part of how would I feel after an abortion since he knows I adore kids and if I had my own I would do anything to provide the best for my kid...

I don't know what to think about his reaction.. what are your opinions on it?

[Uwaae]

It doesnt matter what he thinks. Youre having the baby and youre in control here. Why does this even matter?

[Uwaae]

He's at a responsible age, but you are no where near a responsible age, and this question shows that

[PogoStick]

Bella pleeeeease don't have any kids. You sound totally clueless. You're on the pill, using condoms, AND he doesn't cum in you, yet you thought you could be pregnant? Even Mary couldn't pull that one off.

 

If the two of you have different expectations of handling a pregnancy then you shouldn't be having sex at all.

 

You sound immature and barely educated. Pleeease wait 10 years! That's not an exaggeration.

[Clay]

Bella,

 

I would look at this as a serious red flag and reevaluate your relationship with him. It is true you are much to young to have a child and should wait.

 

There is so much more to enjoy that you will loose out on if you have a child now.

 

I am sorry you are upset but sometimes its these things that help guide you to be a better person.

 

Clay

[melell]

He is being a responsible 27 year old by suggesting his 17 year old girlfriend has an abortion.

 

Although, his being responsible doesn't mean much when it is patching up his being irresponsible.

[MidwestUSA]

So you're not actually pregnant now, but the scare is giving you thought to reconsider your relationship, as well as do some more research regarding birth control. In that sense, the scare was a good thing.

 

But 17? You're way too young and have a whole life ahead of you, with or without this current boyfriend.

[Art_Critic]

I guess in reality you learned something about your LDR BF, you can't change who he is or where he is in his life.

However you can change you, you are 17.. start dating guys that are more your age and you will start to find out that they are in a similar place as you in life.

 

It's good that after a scare like this that you are doing some introspection into your feelings but don't try and change him, the answer lies within you and finding someone more compatible to you. Besides these 17 days how much time do you spend together?

[Bella_D]

Bella pleeeeease don't have any kids. You sound totally clueless. You're on the pill, using condoms, AND he doesn't cum in you, yet you thought you could be pregnant? Even Mary couldn't pull that one off.

 

If the two of you have different expectations of handling a pregnancy then you shouldn't be having sex at all.

 

You sound immature and barely educated. Pleeease wait 10 years! That's not an exaggeration.

 

Alright, don't tell me I am clueless before you know the details. Here is why I was worried - 1) I am not supposed to take pills because of hormonal issues. I took the pills just to be 100% sure.

2) If you were educated enough, you would know that precum contains sperm, not a lot but it does. And you are having sex after the guy came once and didn't urinate after, the chance of sperm getting inside the woman is even bigger. We did have sex again without a condom after he came a few times.

3) Now why was I worried about the pill? Because on the internet I read people sharing their stories, saying the same pill caused ovulation which caused accidentally getting pregnant while thinking everything is alright. It's something specific about this pill, you have to start taking in on an exact date and if you don't - it doesn't work. My period is absolutely irregular so I can never know if I am starting to take the pill on the right date. I was afraid I am using it wrong.

 

When it comes to "Why him?" I can only say you don't choose who to fall in love with. He is a really nice guy, my parents know him and everything. Breaking up with him doesn't sound good enough for me and I don't really have a reason to do so apart from peoples opinion on age gap. There is a little problem though - I don't live to impress, I live to express and for sure I don't live to please strangers. If I am with him, there is a reason. Age difference was not the point of the Thread at all.

Cheers!

[Bella_D]

I guess in reality you learned something about your LDR BF, you can't change who he is or where he is in his life.

However you can change you, you are 17.. start dating guys that are more your age and you will start to find out that they are in a similar place as you in life.

 

It's good that after a scare like this that you are doing some introspection into your feelings but don't try and change him, the answer lies within you and finding someone more compatible to you. Besides these 17 days how much time do you spend together?

 

He stayed at my place so basically we were together 24\7 Thank you to everyone who gave a useful advice x

[kickstartmyheart0]

Wait a minute....

 

You're 17, dating a 27 year old?

 

You need to get out of this. He's probably manipulating you and he feels like he has more power in the relationship because he is so much older.

 

I have lots of experience with this. I dated a man 20 years older than me; another one 16 years older than me; and I was married to someone 8 years older than me. It was the same in all three relationships.

 

You need to find someone your own age.

[man_in_the_box]

2) If you were educated enough, you would know that precum contains sperm, not a lot but it does. And you are having sex after the guy came once and didn't urinate after, the chance of sperm getting inside the woman is even bigger. We did have sex again without a condom after he came a few times.

 

Hey now, stop playing the more educated than thou flute. There's only been one study that confirmed high sperm counts in pre-ejaculate and that was published in 2011. I still don't know whether they established that's indigenous to the pre-ejaculate or just left-over from a previous ejaculation. It's certainly not something that you should slap others on the fingers with as there's still a lot of contradicting research on this issue.

[Locust]

First of all what is a 27 old doing with a 17 year old. Your young and inexperienced. I believe he was with you because he can manipulate you into sex more easier than a woman around his age. Also laws could get him in trouble. In California if a guy has sex with someone who is under 18 years old could face jail time.

[Iguanna]

Bella pleeeeease don't have any kids. You sound totally clueless. You're on the pill, using condoms, AND he doesn't cum in you, yet you thought you could be pregnant? Even Mary couldn't pull that one off.

 

Almost fell out of my chair

[NJtoDC]

I seriously question what kind of 'man' of 27 yrs would date a 17 year old. I was 31 and my boyfriend was 28 when we began dating. The idea of him dating a 17 year old child is repugnant. What's wrong with your BF? Is he immature, have traits that turn off women his own age, poor judgement? Why are your parents ok with this?

 

Yes, at 17 you may feel very mature and grown but you are a child and have much to learn that can not be found by googling. It's called life experience. I was involved with older men when I was a teenager as well. Looking back now I see those situations very differently. I was 'mature' for my age, intelligent, independent, working full time. But these men were taking advantage of my inexperience and naivety and were not well adjusted men. At 15 it crossed criminal lines, at 16 it crossed moral lines.

 

I knew I wanted marriage and children and wanted to marry even as young as 18. But men this age (speaking generally, about US culture) are not usually looking at a teenage girl living with mommy and daddy as wife material. Frankly, I'd question their judgement if they did because you will change very much between 17 and 27. Getting out on your own, taking those first steps into independent adulthood- these are steps from childhood to adulthood. A lot of changes in our understanding of the world, ourselves, what we want, what is best for us, etc are formed in those

years.

 

 

The fact that your BF thinks you two are well matched makes me think he is not a well adjusted 27 year old. That might not sound bad if you two relate on the same level but if he relates like a 17 year old at 27 who knows if or when he will grow up and be a quality partner.

 

I know you will do what ever you want. I know I was hell bent on my agendas at that age and would dismiss (maybe even with offense) someone saying things like I am saying. "But you don't understand, it's different with us. I'm really mature for my age!"....Yep, we all say that.

 

Best of luck to you. I hope things work for you in a way that you are pleased with down the road. 17 is a challenging age, teetering between childhood and adulthood. Try to be as wise as you can at your age as some mistakes we carry forever.

Edited November 23, 2013 by NJtoDC

[runningfar]

You could have been pregnant.

 

It would make me hesitate a little that he'd suggest abortion but if it wasn't insistence but just his opinion and he reassured he'd support you no matter what I may not call off the relationship. I'd explain you don't think you could emotionally handle that even now though .

Edited November 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Eivuwan]

If you're worried, just do a pregnancy test.

[Confusedguy81]

WTF 27 and 17?! Sorry I usually have no problems with age differences but you are still a kid basically (sorry if that offends you) and he is a grown man. If you are going to keep seeing him, protect yourself.

[FitChick]

Most men in their twenties do NOT want kids now.

 

There are pills that you take everyday so you won't get a period and you won't have to worry you are taking them on the wrong day. They might even help your hormone problem if you take them for a long enough time. Then when you meet someone age appropriate you won't even think about having to use birth control because it will become a daily habit by then.

 

Why would you want to get tied down with a baby and/or man when you haven't had a chance to explore the world and date and just have fun? You can be miserable with kids and husband when you are older.

[Bella_D]

I seriously question what kind of 'man' of 27 yrs would date a 17 year old. I was 31 and my boyfriend was 28 when we began dating. The idea of him dating a 17 year old child is repugnant. What's wrong with your BF? Is he immature, have traits that turn off women his own age, poor judgement? Why are your parents ok with this?

 

Yes, at 17 you may feel very mature and grown but you are a child and have much to learn that can not be found by googling. It's called life experience. I was involved with older men when I was a teenager as well. Looking back now I see those situations very differently. I was 'mature' for my age, intelligent, independent, working full time. But these men were taking advantage of my inexperience and naivety and were not well adjusted men. At 15 it crossed criminal lines, at 16 it crossed moral lines.

 

I knew I wanted marriage and children and wanted to marry even as young as 18. But men this age (speaking generally, about US culture) are not usually looking at a teenage girl living with mommy and daddy as wife material. Frankly, I'd question their judgement if they did because you will change very much between 17 and 27. Getting out on your own, taking those first steps into independent adulthood- these are steps from childhood to adulthood. A lot of changes in our understanding of the world, ourselves, what we want, what is best for us, etc are formed in those

years.

 

 

The fact that your BF thinks you two are well matched makes me think he is not a well adjusted 27 year old. That might not sound bad if you two relate on the same level but if he relates like a 17 year old at 27 who knows if or when he will grow up and be a quality partner.

 

I know you will do what ever you want. I know I was hell bent on my agendas at that age and would dismiss (maybe even with offense) someone saying things like I am saying. "But you don't understand, it's different with us. I'm really mature for my age!"....Yep, we all say that.

 

Best of luck to you. I hope things work for you in a way that you are pleased with down the road. 17 is a challenging age, teetering between childhood and adulthood. Try to be as wise as you can at your age as some mistakes we carry forever.

 

I have just one question towards all of the people having brilliant experiences and being really mature (not enough to keep a good language though). Did I ever ask for your opinion? I am very sorry to be some sort of rude to you, but first of all I gave the age so you know he is a grown responsible man. I never asked what do you think about it or whether or not I should be with him. I believe if you have never met me or him, or the both of us together, you have no right to say anything that could possibly be offensive towards one of us. Such things as he is manipulating me, taking advantage of me, he couldn't get women his own age I mean. And how stupid am I exactly supposed to be, to decide to trust what strangers on some sort of dating forum, who may or may not mean well, say about my boyfriend? Now, let's keep behavior and not cross limits, shall we? Have a lovely day!

Edited November 24, 2013 by Bella_D

[NJtoDC]

Did I ever ask for your opinion?

 

Who's using bad language? You came looking for advice. You asked everyone's opinion. I just so happened to be a lot like you, though I have the advantage of being older now and being able to reflect back and see the challenges and mistakes from the perspective of my grown up self. I spoke to your age difference because this is the issue in your relationship that most screams for discussion.

 

I am very sorry to be some sort of rude to you, but first of all I gave the age so you know he is a grown responsible man.

Your "grown" BF of 27 years showed just how grown he is and where he stands with your relationship at the moment. You were taken back that he would want you to abort his child. You mention his age to explain that, though he is not willing to be a father to your child, he really is grown. It suggests you believe at 27 he SHOULD be ready for that possibility of a child- thus the reason for your confusion and post for advice.

 

I believe if you have never met me or him, or the both of us together, you have no right to say anything that could possibly be offensive towards one of us.

 

Be realistic. You gave us the info you felt relevant and asked for our opinion. We can only draw from what you have said. Are we only allowed to say flowery and approving words since we don't know you in person?

 

You are 17, he is 27. In the US (I know you are elsewhere) some states have 16 as the age of consent (some even 18), and many (like mine I just came to find) do have a maximum age difference of 4 years if you are under 18. Why? Because the age difference of sexual partners when one is a minor does make a difference. It is for the minors benefit.

 

I don't expect you to understand that right now though. Frankly, I've just begun to process my experiences as a teenager myself and see them for what they really were.

 

And how stupid am I exactly supposed to be, to decide to trust what strangers on some sort of dating forum, who may or may not mean well, say about my boyfriend?

 

You volunteered your situation for our opinions because you aren't sure what to think yourself. But now that the (sound) advice you are getting doesn't suit you- you bulk at my offering my experiential input. If you don't want opinions don't ask.

 

I am not surprised you are on the offense about my comments, as I said in my first post. You are just like me. You think you can handle the world and are in control and prepared for what you've gotten involved in.

 

As far as asking why your bf doesn't date someone age appropriate- this is a fact. He is dating a teenager at age 27. Ask yourself, why would a 'grown' man date a child.

 

Now, let's keep behavior and not cross limits, shall we?

 

Cross limits? Come now, opinions aren't bad behavior or crossing limits just because you didn't like it. There is a reason many people commented on the age issue. Because, for just one more reason, a man of 27 dating a teenager of 17 puts him in a position of power in the relationship that is not in the best interest of the minor. That's why in many states in the US you can have sex with a 20 year old at age 16 but with a 27 year old it is a crime.

 

I do wish you the best.

[lovelorcet]

What you should learn is that your boyfriend was given a chance to show his true colours. When push comes to shove, he is only concerned with himself and what you feel and think is not important to him.

 

People like this never change and will always take the same selfish path in life.