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I want to get back together with my ex, but I am in a tough situation...

Carlored

By Carlored
in Second Chances

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Carlored New Member

Carlored

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My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over a year. She is truly wonderful, and I honest to god love her. Basically a few weeks ago things weren't going so well, in fact they had been going downhill for some time. She said she needed some space to figure things out. At the end of that time she broke up with me. Her reasons were basically that I was too negative for her, and that made us incompatible.

 

I see where she is coming from, she is moody and is easily effected by the moods of those surrounding her. And it is true I am overly negative, unfortunately it took her breaking up with me to realize that. After we broke up we went through a rough phase where we both said some hurtful things to each other. However now we are on relatively good terms and can talk civilly. We have talked about things and she has made it clear that she can't be in a relationship with someone as negative as me.

 

I sincerely love her so I aim to make any changes necessary. However she may have found someone else. Sadly she told me there is a chance she may get in a relationship with someone else, some other dude she hooked up with a some point. Basically the problem is that we are leaving college for winter break in a few days. That winter break lasts for about six weeks due to our strange academic schedule. And her and I live about 2000 miles away from each other, while this potential new guy lives in the same city as her. So my dilemma is, can I do anything to win her back when this other guy is competing for her interest closer to her?

 

Every dating website and such says to give her space, but with immediate competition this doesn't seem to be an option. Especially because she is someone who can easily grow detached from others. I need to show her I have made changes and that we can work together. Since my options are very limited I feel like I should talk to her/skype her regularly but I worry I could just friend zone myself and make everything worse. Even if I keep things super flirty I am afraid of just pushing her away.

 

I know this is a really tricky situation and it may seem like I am too attached. But I truly love her and I can't let her go.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
melell Established Member

melell

Posted
Posted

Don't do this to yourself.

 

You can let go, you can find someone else, you can be with someone who loves you for you no matter what.

 

So what you are negative sometimes, she is moody. Competition? Perhaps you are actually the one worth fighting for?

 

If you viewed yourself as highly as she views herself I bet you would be telling her to f*** off.

 

What are you going to do, given she is so easily influenced in others? Keep her cooped up so she can never leave you? Come on..

 

3.5 billion+ females in this world.

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Carlored New Member

Carlored

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I see what you are saying and what you are saying it. She was so good to me for so long, despite some really rough emotional issues she was going through. I am a negative person and have a negative outlook on life, and for her that is really draining and takes a lot out of her. I feel like she still really cares about me, and I guess I am holding in to that. She was the first person who I ever opened up to, and she really was amazing until things got rocky. For the longest time she was as attached to me as I was attached to her. And then poof, it just disappeared. She said she was more attached to the idea of me than anything. Because of these things she said in the past I have convinced myself that with enough work or determination I can get her back. It also doesn't help that She is much more sexually desired person than I am.

melell Established Member

melell

Posted
Posted

How does this help you though?

No amount of telling her you understand your problem will change anything- she has made up here mind.

 

There is nothing to say another girl wouldn't make you happier, there is nothing to say that you can't be close to someone else, or really open up to someone else.

 

You can't pin your hopes on a person who has come to the conclusion you are not worth it, and they don't love you.

 

As long as you have the idea in your head that you love her, want her, will change, she is more desirable etc. you are setting yourself up for a long hard road that goes nowhere.

 

I know it is hard. But read all the posts on here, look at how many ex's come back wanting reconciliation- basically nil.

Read the posts from people trying to win there ex back thinking that 'hard work' and 'determination' will do the trick. It breaks peoples spirits, it leaves them feeling sad, lonely, and unloved. It just doesn't work.

 

She has made it pretty clear to you that she wants to be with other people.. and you are all you are doing is encouraging it.

 

You can't fight for someone who doesn't love you, and someone who wants to upgrade does not love you.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted
I see what you are saying and what you are saying it. She was so good to me for so long, despite some really rough emotional issues she was going through. I am a negative person and have a negative outlook on life, and for her that is really draining and takes a lot out of her. I feel like she still really cares about me, and I guess I am holding in to that. She was the first person who I ever opened up to, and she really was amazing until things got rocky. For the longest time she was as attached to me as I was attached to her. And then poof, it just disappeared. She said she was more attached to the idea of me than anything. Because of these things she said in the past I have convinced myself that with enough work or determination I can get her back. It also doesn't help that She is much more sexually desired person than I am.

 

 

sigh i really like it when i agree with others...but i just canna do it....

 

 

i think you should try to talk to her honestly say how you want to work on the negativity if she truly is as wonderful as you say she is, she will respect your honesty and efforts you are willing to make...tell her then give her space to decide she may be pretty quick with a reply or may not be...take the risk....has nothing to do with desirability from either of you it has to do with how strong your bond was or her bond fro you in this case......if it is strong feelings would still be there........i can detach but it takes a lot for me to detach distance is the way i do it.....to me distance doesnt make a heart grow fonder i actually forget their face for a while and i can move on in a fashion....some women are like that so keep up contact if you truly desire to be with her.....deb

EIK Member

EIK

Posted
Posted

I am sorry for what you're feeling right now.

I think the only thing you can do is, as said before, talk to her honestly about your will to change and to make things work out and let her decide. Unfortunately it doesn't look good, and it seems to me she has already made the decision to move on.

AShogunNamedMarcus Established Member

AShogunNamedMarcus

Posted
Posted

Are you being honest with yourself?

 

What are you planning to do to make you less negative?

 

How long do you think it will take to change you from a negative person to a person that she will respect?

 

Do you want her staying with you while you're still negative while you "work" on yourself indefinitely?

 

It's over. She has made her decision and is not in love with you. When someone wants to get away from you, any effort to close that gap will push them further away. You need to work on yourself and change before you even think of trying to get back with her and that's going to take more time than you think. It will not work now. You would be asking her to gamble on a guy who may or may not make improvements to himself that are acceptable to her. I don't think she's willing to take that gamble.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Forget her. Go home. Immerse yourself in your family & your old friends. Rejuvinate. Come back to school & find a new GF.

 

It will be OK.

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J21 Established Member

J21

Posted
Posted

I am sorry to hear of your situation, but unfortunately I don't think there are many options here.

 

By "competing" for her, you will appear more desperate and that is not an attractive feature to have. If you have already made your case and expressed interest in getting back together since you've worked out the issues, then you've left the ball in her court.

 

You can't chase her her and try to drive a wedge between what she has with the new guy. She is going to have to come to the realization on her own that you were better than the new guy (if she feels that way).

2fargone Established Member

2fargone

Posted
Posted

Looks to me you have made one of the biggest mistakes. You took the blame she tried to cast upon you, and she has her confirmation.

 

 

Trying to hang on, to show her whatever, won't work. Showing her that you're confident enough to move on, and actually do it, might...

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