Mom found out I'm no longer a virgin and all hell has broken loose!

[GABP]

I'm a 27yr old female doctor in her specialty program in Mexico. I was a virgin till I turned 25, I decided to have sex with my then 6 month boyfriend who's still with me (three years now). Both of us being MDs, we took every precaution we deemed necessary, even got my HPV shots. We are in a steady and serious relationship, even considering marriage in the not so distant future. The problem is, in my pap smear I had this minor lesion obviously suggestive of HPV infection -a rare case of vaccine failure- (no big deal, pretty common thing, around 75% of sexually active women eventually get it and most of them clear it in a few years, I'm already on followup and treatment with my gyno...) For some reason my mom found this printed report in my room. She didn't even now I had become sexually active (or so she says, in spite of me being 27 and him 32 and being together for three years...), and she really doesn't know a lot about HPV, except that it's sexually transmitted.

Well...you can't even begin to imagine all the horrible things she said to me about me and my boyfriend having sex, about me being some sort of sl*t and now with HPV thanks to my "son of a b**** boyfriend", how dissapointed she felt, what a terrible person without principles I was, that somehow I'm now tainted for life, that I used to be her "perfect little girl" and now I was a shame on her...and much more terrible things I don't want to remember again, and it went on and on and she's still terribly angry and heart-broken...

 

She's quite conservative as you can see. I'm angry at her, I don't regard myself as a sl*t, she really hurt my feelings. On the other hand, I cant help feeling somewhat guilty and awful,we are not talking to each other, being home is almost unbearable.

Any words, advice or suggestions on how to deal with this will be most appreciated.

[crederer]

Honestly I'd suggest you get away from her. That is really weird and abusive behaviour.

[lollipopspot]

I don't know what's normal in your culture, but you're a doctor...time to fly the nest. In my culture you're too old and have too much going for you job-wise to put up with this.

[d0nnivain]

As a doctor, you understand confidentiality & this is what happens when people get info about others that isn't meant for them.

 

Let your mother calm down. If that means ignoring her, do it.

 

For similar but not identical reasons I didn't speak to my mother for over a year when I was in my 20s. It sucked but when we reconcilled, she kept her nose out of my business & stopped being so judgmental.

[amaysngrace]

Why are you still living at home with your mom?

 

You're a doctor...but that doesn't mean you should only take care of others...and leaving that home sounds like what would be best for you.

Edited November 23, 2013 by amaysngrace

[Art_Critic]

.and leaving that home sounds like what would be best for you.

 

I agree...the OP's Mom crossed about 5 boundaries and showed an incredible disrespect for her daughter and it seems about the only way to fix something like this would be to put space between each other.. meaning moving out

[salparadise]

This is sad. Two things...

 

First, you must accept that while being sexually active in the context of a committed relationship at age 27 may not be consistent with your mother's values, you are a separate person. As an adult you have, and are fully entitled to, your own values. You have done nothing wrong and need to fully integrate that belief. She has no voice in this.

 

Secondly, do what you can to help her understand and repair your relationship. Tell her you love her completely, regardless of your differences. Explain that you respect her beliefs even though they are not identical to yours. Ask for the same consideration, and for unconditional love and respect as her daughter. Explain that you are living a principled life consistent with your own values, which are slightly different from hers (as is often the case between generations).

 

The mistake she's making is viewing you as an extension of herself, rather than as a separate entity. You can't necessarily change that, but you can assert your separateness while expressing love, respect and appreciation. If she continues the shaming and blaming, explain that she needs to reconsider her behavior if she wants a relationship with you. Let her know that her attitude and behavior is the only part in which she has a choice, and that you hope she will choose a loving relationship over alienation. Don't give any indication that her attitude is causing you distress (beyond the damage it's doing to the relationship). Take away her power to make you feel ashamed and all that's left is her choice to have a relationship with you, which requires that she treat you with respect regardless.

 

If you find it difficult to differentiate from your mother and be free of the guilt and shame she tries to impose, then consider therapy to work on completing the differentiation.

[julija.alka]

You may say you are 27 years old, but some people keep morals despite of their age. And you should understand your mother has other morals than you. For example i know people who has lost their virginity only after marriage(even if they married in their 30's). You won't change your mothers morals, so there's only way to fix a relationship: say its your mistake and you regret it.

[Sanman]

Sounds like a typical reaction for parents of a variety ethnic cultures. Particulalry conservative cultures that clash aorh more modern lifestyles. Living at home is pretty common for these cultures, even among those in the Uniyed States. Just leaving home can be a huge deal in some cultures even if to are a doctor. That said, you need to decide where your boundaries are going to be. As a young adult straddling two cultures myself, I understand your difficulty. In many conservative cultures, sex before marriage has become okay as long as there is deniability by the parents. It seems silly, but that is the way it works. If I were in the OP's position, I would give mom some time to calm down and then discuss things with her. You'll have to come to an understanding with her on some form that she finds acceptable. Remember, her awareness of what is going on is the problem, not the actual sex. OP, what are your ethnic origins?

[bubbaganoosh]

Think it's time that you and MOM have a heart to heart talk and explain to her that you have a life and you entitled to live it.

 

IMO, I would also ask yourself why a 27 year old woman is still living under her roof. Maybe you should find your own place and live your life and no your not a s--t. Your a normal human being with wants and needs.

[mexcity]

OP has stated she's from Mexico. It's common to live with the parents until one is married. Also, being a doctor does not necessarily mean she's making big bucks.