lifeonhold Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Hi All, My wife and I separated over 3 months ago. It was very painful and heartwrenching for me. I still love this woman with all my heart, I've always known she is the only one for me, sadly she stated she was no longer in love with me, not attracted to me and generally unhappy with "us". She gave no chance of a reconcilliation, no chance at couples counseling. She slammed the door shut, listed the home for sale, got an apartment and a new "friend". About 3 or 4 weeks ago she called crying, saying that "sometimes I'm happy with my new life, with my own place. And sometimes I'm not at all happy". She asked if she could come stay in the bed with our daughter and I that night. She did. She asked that I spend the night there on Xmas eve to open presents with our daughter on xmas morning. I did. Last night she called crying again, same distress signal. "I need a friend, I'm having a bad day." Through the tears she asked if I could come over, and stay the night. I did. We will cuddle, and talk pretty openly about some stuff. I know she is not happy, and I think she admits it to herself now. However, she has given me my boundaries. No kissing, no sexual stuff. I don't try to push those boundaries. I must say that these 3 nights with her in bed with me have been the bright points of the last 3 months for me. I wake up happy and have a wonderful few days after. But..... Am I just setting myself up for more pain? For a longer recovery period? I know her pride is such that she would never admit out loud that this was all a mistake, even though it is exactly how I feel about it. I'm trying to walk that thin line between having hope, and not getting my hopes up over this. God, I wish I could figure out what is going on inside my wife's head.
ThumbingMyWay Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 How old are you both and how long have you been married? and elaborate more on this "freind". Male? or female? I would guess that she has had time to think about things.....and is finally realizing the consequences of her actions....but yet still undecide as to where she is in life/marriage. If you guys want this to work.....she needs to be willing to make things right.... Tell her how you feel with utmost honestly and then ask the same from her. If she wants to try....i would highly suggest marriage counseling....Becasue you stated she just flat out shut the door without any reasoning or chance of recovery.....it will at least help you both discover what got you here and why. Its the least you both can do....you seem commited to this marriage, so maybe with her actions of late....there is still a chance for her to rediscover herself and her marriage relationship. good luck and keep us posted. You will get LOTS of help and advice here.
Scott S Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by lifeonhold Am I just setting myself up for more pain? For a longer recovery period? I know her pride is such that she would never admit out loud that this was all a mistake, even though it is exactly how I feel about it. I'm trying to walk that thin line between having hope, and not getting my hopes up over this. This does make the letting-go-and-moving-on part more difficult. It may be too early to tell what exactly is going on. She may be having regrets about what happened, or may be using you as a "security blanket" of sorts. Depending on how long this continues, you will probably want to have an honest discussion, perhaps with a counselor present, about your feelings (each of you), & the future of the relationship. If your marriage is indeed over, then you deserve closure & to be free to move on with your life. These are all things you must decide for yourself, of course. ________________________________________ What if people stopped throwing rice at weddings, and threw potatoes instead?
Author lifeonhold Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Just some points to clarify and make things a bit more understood: We have been together (living together) for over 8 years. We were married for just over two, and have a daughter who will be 3 in a few months. Her "friend" is a guy I work with. They had an emotional (non-physical) relationship after she decided to separate from me. He became interested in another girl, my wife and he are now just "plutonic", I'm not sure how certain I am of this. I know my wife loves me, and I know she cares about me. I can't deny that perhaps she is not in-love with me. I've learned over the last few months that being "in-love" is a concious decision, where love for someone is more of an "auto-pilot" emotion. I'm afraid to push any agendas at the moment. I'm afraid to show my cards in hopes of a decision on her part. I've been too beaten and bruised over all this to lay my head on the chopping block one more time. I know her pride is such that she would rather eat her own leg than apologize, or give-in with all she has said and done to get to where she is now. Perhaps I just need to watch this train wreck happen in slow-motion and wait till the dust settles. I've dated a couple girls since the separation, even done a little fooling around. None of it felt right. I feel as if I know why I'm here, and what I'm supposed to be doing. I've jumped track and am heading into wilderness. I'll post a link to the first thread from 3 months ago when she left, it will provide more insight into the path that got me here. EDIT: Here is the link to the other thread when this began. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t48480/ Joe
Scott S Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Thank you for the clarification. You have been through a lot. Please accept my sympathies. I was merely suggesting that at some point you deserve some finality in all this. It is not reasonable for her to expect you to remain in limbo indefinitely while she decides what she wants in life & the relationship. It does appear that there are numerous mixed feelings on your wife's part, & it will likely take some time for her to sort through them. How long you wish to wait for that to happen is for you to decide, of course.
Devildog Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 lifeonhold, know exactly how you feel dude. Read my thread, alot of similarities. This is a hard thing to do, I am struggling with it too, but you need to let your wife see the full reprecussions of her current choice. Don't be her safety net. Don't come over to comfort her when she needs it. Does she come over and spend the night when you need comforting? The mixed signals and the hope that gets crushed a few days later is the worst. I know, I just had my hopes crushed again yesterday. Be strong if you want to be there to pick up the pieces after she has hit bottom and is ready to fully come back to you. Or be strong and move on with your life without her. That is your choice.
Author lifeonhold Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 You are right DD. If I play the part of the safety blanket, I'm only aiding her in moving onto another life without me in it. It hurts me to see her in pain, and I want to help. But, I also realize that this was (and is) her decision. She made this bed, I don't need to lie in it with her (or help make it everyday). I know she is beginning to see just how far flung the reprocussions of this are. She has lost friends and family over it. Our daughter askes tough questions that throw her into a depression. I think she wants pieces of me, and I can't let her nibble away like that. If it is possible for us to be together again, it would be all the way or no way. I'll hang tough. Thanks Joe
Devildog Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 Glad to hear you understand what I am saying lifeonhold. But I have to tell you, it isn't easy to do. I have alot of trouble following the advice I gave you. When they see you start to pull away, they will do something to reel you back in a bit. It is hard to fight it. I am just hoping that by warning you before hand you can prepare yourself for that mentally and hopefully be in a better position to hang strong. I'm not blacking out and posting under the name lifeonhold am I? Your story just sounds so much like mine. Your wife makes the decision that she just isn't happy and doesn't feel like working on fixing things. She decides to end things like it doesn't impact your life or your child's life. She probably claims she is doing this in the best interest of your child too. That it is better for you to be apart then to be together and fix the problems. I really do know exactly how you feel man. I work nights, so if you need to talk to someone in the wee hours of the morning, drop me a PM.
Recommended Posts