3 months after BU, and here I am crying over my dead relationship

[feelingtorn]

Hi everyone,

Since BU, I logged onto LS everyday and read all your posts. Very helpful indeed and assuring that I am not here all by myself experiencing all these mixed emotions.

 

I was with my ex bf over 2 years and 7 months. Looking back, I think we were both commitment phobic, but he was a lot more phobic than I was. It took him 10 months to say he loved me. The first year was great; no argument, but right after our first trip, he started distancing himself. He started playing an Iphone game all the time, which allowed him to communicate with others in his area - imagine grinder. He started going to the game meet up every month.

 

We started having a fight at least once a month. A different cause, but the bottom line was he did not make me feel like his number one priority. For example, he failed to show up at a train station - i bought the train tickets and booked a hotel in a nearby city - because he drank too much with a female friend. The list goes on.

 

We moved in together when he bought a house a year ago, but not on a permanent basis. I am scheduled to pay off my mortgage this month actually, and I was living with him temporarily to generate more income from renting my place. I am only 37, so you can imagine how much I had to work this past year. I was tired and stressed out all the time, but was determined to make it happen because I always felt inadequate due to our huge income difference. I felt like once I had a similar amount of free money as he, I would feel more adequate.

 

To celebrate my bday, we went to Europe this past Sep. After heavy drinking, I fell asleep on our second day. When I woke up, I realized he was still awake. I felt horrible that he was still suffering from a jetlag and told him I would get breakfast for us. While using his Iphone, I saw 7 hours of sexting with this woman whom he met through the Iphone game. They were flirting over a year.

 

It hurt so bad, and I was in shock and denial. We managed to have a great trip after talking through our problem, which made it even hard to break up with him, but I had no choice. He said I was not his soul mate. He did not feel any butterflies anymore and started thinking about other women this past year. I was the dumper, but really, I feel like it is the other way around.

 

When we came back, he said he wanted to give us another shot, but four days later, he changed his mind saying he did not know what to think of himself.

 

We have not talked to each other since then. The first month was very hard. I hardly slept and ate. Starting this month, I felt better. Sleeping and eating like I used to...and thinking about him less.

 

However, suddenly, this week, I started missing him. There are a couple of friends who are actively pursuing me. They are very nice and have caring/compassionate/kind qualities I wish my ex had. But, when we went out on dates, all I could think was how much my ex would have enjoyed the dishes. I wonder what he is planning to do this Thanksgiving. I can still log onto his netflix. Everyday, I check to see what he has watched....if he is home or not.

 

I know this is very pathetic. I know better. He did not want me in the end. When we met, I knew he did not have serious gfs since college. A forever bachelor. When he said he had not felt any romantic feeling until he met me, I thought I could trust him and he was my last man. But, at the end, he gave me pitiful reasons why he could not be with me. I did not dress up enough at home. I cracked up too much joke. I was too frugal (I was paying off my mortgage like a mad woman).

 

I feel so empty inside. Guys are showing me interest, but I have no interest or energy in getting to know another person. I know I am not ready to date yet and really do not want to jump to another relationship for a while. But, I am afraid this weird attachment to my ex (Knowingly he is not right for me, yet yearning for him) may continue for a long time. I feel so sad.

[headinthecloud]

The 3mos point is the hardest, IMO. It will pass but you have to work on moving forward. You'll feel like you're just going through the motions. Sounds like he was emotionally unavailable - good for you for ending it as he clearly had checked out long before but didn't have the guts to do it himself. Have faith in what will be.

[feelingtorn]

Thanks! I guess it is really true you go two steps forward and one step back. I feel like I am re-experiencing all the different phases of BU all over again. I have so many regrets. I also cannot help hoping he would contact me soon WHILE I fully understand he broke my trust and disrespected me. I used to bounce back pretty quickly, but this one for some reason has been the toughest. Is it because we are meant to be together or BU happened out of nowhere? I have a feeling he was checked out, but I was not.