ktwatx Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of years now. We actually have a great relationship. We never get in big fights or anything, because we're both very communicative and very much alike. It's a great change to be in such a healthy relationship. We live together, have pets together, have a big group of friends and family. He enriches my life, and I'd like to say that I do the same for him. The problem is that we mostly go overlooked. People don't think of us as anything serious. I'm often "guest" on invitations from his less close friends. His family never congratulates us on anything: getting a dog, moving into a beautiful home together, anniversaries etc. We're both the kind of people who will rush out to get our friends little gifts and say congrats and show our excitement for their life steps. We never get that in return, though. His family (mine isn't really in the picture as I was adopted by someone who has already passed away) is always busy showering his younger cousins with weddings and helping out with their homes and congratulating them on trips or moving in together, things like that. There's never a time period one of them isn't engaged or building a home or the like. Our friends tend to be the same way. They tend to be so distracted by their own homes, new pets, vacations, relationship tribulations, and anniversaries that our achievements/progress go completely unnoticed. I hate to sound silly, but it means a lot to me, especially since I don't have a family of my own yet. I would be VERY appreciative of some kind of support and excitement/encouragement in our lives together. I work really hard to be someone he can be proud of. I work really hard to make our home beautiful and our little family happy. But, I feel like we're always thought of as a passing phase and that no one takes us seriously. It makes moving forward, like getting engaged and having a child, a challenge. Everyone's always so busy making a big deal out of someone else's wedding or trip or whatever else. We feel like they'll think we're stealing the spotlight, and that they're already too busy to help and participate. That'll be especially important when we have a child. I know what it's like to not have a family as a child. I know what it was like for my grandfather to raise me without any help. I don't want that for my family when there are all these people around to be a part of my child's life. I feel like everyone expects our participation and gifts and congratulations, and we get none in return. They sort of treat us like a silly high school couple they know will break up and move on, even though we're older than a lot of them (I'm 27 and he's 30). I want to feel I'm part of a family and a community...not someone who just has to do everything on my own without support or encouragement. How do I even go about fixing this? Is it just hopeless? I'm tired of putting my life on hold, waiting on everyone else to get what they want and need. I hate to give up a great relationship, but I want a family.
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Get married. Then you will be family in the eyes of the law. 2
Elliotte Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 To be brutally honest, if you think you'll reach a happy place by expecting others to give you recognition, you will never reach that happiness. From reading this, you repeatedly point out that others are not recognizing and rewarding the way you want them to. Not sure why you're even bringing up breaking up with this guy, when you haven't said a single thing against him. You need to figure out what you can do to make yourself happy, not what others can do to make you happy! 2
Author ktwatx Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 That's my point. What makes me happy is having a family and community I can come to for support, especially once I have a child. Doing everything without any advice or tips or help isn't a great environment. I'm seeing now that they won't even support little things. I don't want to get too far down the road in a bad situation because I didn't deal with this now.
todreaminblue Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 the true art of giving is expecting nothing in return that is the pure love of giving to me..random acts of genropsity and kindness "charity faileth not...................... i am happy to give......its my life and love number one rule..... you guys sound happy dont let anyone spoil that for you continue giving because altruism rocks.......i wish you much love and happiness...be happy with your little family......you dont need encouragement you hold hands with that encouragement in the hands of your partner adn the warmth given from above for your union......and your partner the same...be yourselves ...rock on...get married barefoot on the beach with your little family around you...dont forget the polka dotted dr suess lop sided.... wedding cake...........rock away..........dare to be different......deb 1
Author ktwatx Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 I love what you say about a barefoot wedding That's beautiful! My fear is more stemming from my adoption. I don't need praise, but I do prefer a supportive, participating community to raise a child in. I know what it's like to be a child without a family. It's LONELY. And, there were times (especially regarding female things) that I needed another perspective than my grandfather's. I know what it was like for my grandfather to raise me all on his own without any help. There's no reason to want that for my future child if I can prevent it. And, I'd like to be able to nip this stuff in the bud now, if possible. I'd like them to participate in our lives, like they do for each other and we do for them. If the simple things are too hard now, I worry. Or maybe it's just that I'm not demanding enough, like the girlfriends of his cousins. I'm not even sure how to be that way, since I didn't have females in my life growing up. I don't know what's normal in families. I don't know what's considered polite or rude or the like.
Elliotte Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 That's my point. What makes me happy is having a family and community I can come to for support, especially once I have a child. Doing everything without any advice or tips or help isn't a great environment. I'm seeing now that they won't even support little things. I don't want to get too far down the road in a bad situation because I didn't deal with this now. Either A)they never will, or B)it will take them awhile to figure it out. I assume you have talked about this with your boyfriend and then the two of you can talk about it with his parents and your mutual friends. That family feeling isn't something that happens quickly, no matter how close you are to your boyfriend, it takes a lot longer for those outside your relationship to recognize that. I've had something similar happen with my wife, both of our families were very welcoming to the two of us and our relationship, but it certainly took them awhile to truly figure out that we were becoming our own family. Things may fall into place quick with a partner, but the rest of those close to both of you do not understand that chemistry and love like the two of you do, and it takes a lot of time and effort for them to get that. Still, from your starting post it seems like your expectations might be a tad too high or at the very least you might be expecting things from other people too quickly. Be direct about what you want, but also don't consider others in the wrong for not behaving exactly to your expectations. 2
pink_sugar Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 This was one of the biggest reasons I married young. A lot of my husband's relatives did not treat me like family until we were married. I had issues with being insecure do to my own upbringing. I am much more comfortable with myself and that doesn't matter now. If you get married, it shouldn't because of what others are thinking. It should be because you want to be married to him and be more than the girlfriend. 2
todreaminblue Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 (edited) I love what you say about a barefoot wedding That's beautiful! My fear is more stemming from my adoption. I don't need praise, but I do prefer a supportive, participating community to raise a child in. I know what it's like to be a child without a family. It's LONELY. And, there were times (especially regarding female things) that I needed another perspective than my grandfather's. I know what it was like for my grandfather to raise me all on his own without any help. There's no reason to want that for my future child if I can prevent it. And, I'd like to be able to nip this stuff in the bud now, if possible. I'd like them to participate in our lives, like they do for each other and we do for them. If the simple things are too hard now, I worry. Or maybe it's just that I'm not demanding enough, like the girlfriends of his cousins. I'm not even sure how to be that way, since I didn't have females in my life growing up. I don't know what's normal in families. I don't know what's considered polite or rude or the like. smilin.....yes it sounds liek a dream huh..i reckon i could have a wedding for fifty dollars.....with lop sided dr suess cupcakes piled up to make a wedding cake and the poeple i love aroudn me...priceless wedding....bar fifty bucks....lol......wind whipping your hair and a soft white dress..:0)...as i said a dream.....i understand your want for community spirit and support that may come with time..realize it is not necessity to have right now...love when visible cannot be denied or ignored for long love naturally attracts like minded people its how i feel about the community i am in.....its my faith....thats my community..and i have sought it fro a very long time ...yay found it........i dont need their support however if i love someone.....they will naturally support love.......i feel that in my heart..... rejoice when you find love...life is fleeting and every second is a second you can spend rejoicing or wishing...i prefer rejoicing ....peopel will naturally rejoice with you if they have loving hearts..smilin atcha wishing you the best of love and happiness to ya.....deb Edited November 23, 2013 by todreaminblue
Lauriebell82 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Probably because you aren't married. A lot of parents/extended family are very traditional and do not really acknowledge the relationship until there is engagement and/or marriage.
passingbreeze Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 You aren't being treated like family, because you aren't family! If you want to be treated like family - Get Married! You already have a house, pets and a good relationship. Why aren't you married? So far you haven't responded to this issue? 1
pteromom Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 It is natural for them to hold you at arm's length until you are married. They don't want to become attached to you and look at you as family, only to have you break up and run off. Look at how his family treats everyone else. Are they involved? Are they loving? Caring? Helpful? However they are with the rest of the family is likely how they will be with you as well, once you are married and have children. Another thing to consider is - what have YOU done to reach out and create bonds with his family? Do you play with the children? Offer to shop with his mom? Bring gifts and cards when you visit? You have to do your part in strengthening the relationships.
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