Should I feel bad?

[The_Face]

Here's the rundown of my situation, so my question will maybe make some more sense. I have a 9 month old son with my ex-girlfriend. She has custody of course, and I see my son on weekends, when I don't have work. For the last 9 months I've been staying over at her dad's house (where she and my son live). It's been a good way to bond with him seeing as I don't get to see him every day of the week. I get to see him in the morning when he wakes up, give him his Friday night bath, the whole nine.

 

Anyway... today I think I got myself worked into an emotional funk. I have today (Friday) off work and tomorrow as well. So yesterday, I went straight from work to my son's place (a good hour and half, two hours away) and stayed the night. Usually, I'll stay for both nights of my weekend and leave sometime in the afternoon Sunday.

 

Today, around ten a.m. I told my son's mother that I would be heading out soon, that I wouldn't be staying two nights this weekend. She immediately seemed bothered. She didn't freak out or say anything negative about it, but it was painfully obvious by her expression and her sudden lack of words that she wasn't pleased.

 

I feel like I really do bust my ass when it comes to my son. Yet I've suddenly made myself feel bad for taking one of my weekend days to get other things done, sleep, just take care of myself in general. My work isn't the hardest thing in the world, but it does require I'm up and at'em by 3am every morning, and its pretty damn physical. So this morning, with all the being said, I really felt like I would be justified in taking one day to myself.

 

I know this is long winded and probably a little scattered of a post, if I can sum it all up now, I just want to ask, based on what I've told you about my situation, should I feel bad, or selfish, for giving myself one weekend night for myself? One where I don't have to stay at her dad's and I don't have to get up early to go to work?

 

Any opinions or whatever, are appreciated. I hope I've explained this well enough.

[Kizza]

I don't think you should feel bad for wanting to take time to take care of yourself. The best we look after ourselves the more we can give to those who count in the long run, however, I think it would have been better for you to communicate this to the partner of your child earlier than on the day.

 

I am sure your ex girlfriend knows that you work hard and have been there but it is not nice to get a last minute notice regarding something that could be advised ahead of time.

 

This may be the reason why she went quiet or not, could be a number of reasons really.

 

In a nutshell, you are a father now and may need to schedule yourself better and communicate more effectively with your family so that you don't unintentionally let them down.

 

If you openly communicate what is going on with you then they will feel more security and not wonder if today will you wake up and decide it's a rest day...

 

Best wishes to you, parenting must be one of the toughest jobs in the world and it is a live and learn process.

[sunrise24]

Whoa, long time no see (not literally, but you get the idea). You were very helpful with my situation; allow me to return the favor.

 

My work isn't the hardest thing in the world, but it does require I'm up and at'em by 3am every morning, and its pretty damn physical.

So this morning, I really felt like I would be justified in taking one day to myself.

You are more than justified; most people would not be able to handle that kind of work without serious burnout. Trust me.

 

...should I feel bad, or selfish, for giving myself one weekend night for myself? One where I don't have to stay at her dad's and I don't have to get up early to go to work?

You have nothing to feel bad about; based on what you've disclosed so far, this is a luxury. Embrace it while you can.

 

The extent to which you take care of yourself strongly influences the extent to which you can take care of others (as I have learned the hard way).

 

At the same time, I agree with Kizza regarding communicating with your ex; if there's any way down time can be scheduled in advance, it will really help you two work well together, to set a healthy example for your son.

Edited November 22, 2013 by sunrise24

[The_Face]

You're both right. I appreciate the responses.

 

I guess I should have given her more of a warning.

 

I failed to mention this in my original post, but in my defense, I did lay the groundwork for this last night, when I casually mentioned to her that I wouldn't be staying both nights this weekend. HOWEVER, I can see how that doesn't make it right that I gave her little to no warning about WHEN I would be leaving this morning. I kind of just decided all of a sudden, and shortly after that I let her know and then I was out the door. It was rather early, she probably at the very least expected me to stay until the afternoon. Then at ten a.m. I say I'm getting going and that's it. Maybe not a total dick move, but a tad inconsiderate to her, I now see. Thank you both.

 

Anyway, I'll be seeing her and my son a few days extra next week, as I have a couple days off for the holiday. So that will be a good opportunity to make up for missing this day.

 

And if, or when, I feel like straying a bit from the weekly plans with my ex and son down the road, or switching days or whatever, I will remember that we both need to be effective in communicating what's going on, when, how and/or why. I surely never intended to make anyone feel bad by leaving, or feel disrespected or anything like that.

 

You learn something new every day. Thank you guys

[OpheliaSong]

Does your ex have a job?

[The_Face]

Does your ex have a job?

 

No. She will be getting back in school sometime next year, though. Why do you ask, OpheliaSong?

[Balzac]

Ok gotta ask about "boyfriend".??

 

Sou ds like all is working out well. Is your boy crawling ? ?

 

At this stage parenting is very physically intense. Taking care of yourself is wise.

[OpheliaSong]

No. She will be getting back in school sometime next year, though. Why do you ask, OpheliaSong?

 

Making she can bring the baby to you occasionally so it won't be so hard for you since you are working a full time job....just a suggestion.

[The_Face]

Ok gotta ask about "boyfriend".??

 

Sou ds like all is working out well. Is your boy crawling ? ?

 

At this stage parenting is very physically intense. Taking care of yourself is wise.

 

Hey, Balzac. I was hoping you were still using this site. As for the boyfriend question, well, she had one for almost a year. She started dating him when she was still pregnant. And from the way she was talking yesterday, it sounds like she is now single again.

 

Yes, my boy officially crawled for the first time on Wednesday, maybe just a few steps but that was the day. Yesterday I got to see it in person, and he was doing really well! It was the coolest thing!

 

Making she can bring the baby to you occasionally so it won't be so hard for you since you are working a full time job....just a suggestion.

 

That's going to be interesting. She HATES HATES HATES driving. And she doesn't have a car yet. Assuming I don't end up moving closer to her, I'm skeptical as to whether or not she can handle making the long commute to drop off the boy/ pick him up. Basically, I'm mentally preparing to do this commute all on my own for a long time, so I don't get my hopes up. Speaking with her dad on the subject once, he told me he thinks when she gets a car she should definitely share some of the responsibility in that department, which was nice to hear. I've racked up sooooo many miles on my old car and racking up a lot on my new one as well. It's a long drive!!

 

I like your suggestion!!

[Balzac]

You sound very proud and happy and in love. It's great to read your update.

The first year is NIG changes and now he's crawling. You went through helz inferno and have invested massive effort. Good for you I say.

 

Crawling and drooling coming your way. That little boy is better with you in his life. You're taking one for the team was a big decision. Again, take care of you - it's important. Drive safely and not exhausted.

[beach]

Next time give her several days notice.

 

A child takes 24 hour care - and she's doing it most of the week.

 

Is there a reason you can't do the "taking care of yourself" part during your work week?

 

Do you pay child support money to her?

[Kizza]

It seems that the current set-up for right now has been working well under the circumstances. She lives with her dad and so has support. Face works a full time job and spends quality time weekends. This will of course change as the child grows older no doubt. Things will constantly evolve and this is why I think at this stage the parents establishing open lines of communication and respect for one another in a unity to raise a child is first and foremost at this young age so that when these changes and needs happen from one side they can be addressed in a suitable manner.

 

You have done nothing wrong face dude, communicate more effectively and you will find it so much easier to work together to raise an awesome kid.

[The_Face]

 

Is there a reason you can't do the "taking care of yourself" part during your work week?

 

Do you pay child support money to her?

 

Normally, that is what I do. I bust ass at work and try to crunch anything I need to get done in after work. I see my son not every other weekend, but EVERY weekend. Sure, I get a few hours after work and before I go to bed to myself during my workweek, and that is normally enough. But this has been a hellish work week, and I have a lot of things I need to get done before the holidays. So this was the one week I just thought, wow, one day to myself, one FULL DAY to myself, is much needed. I know she has him all week, and that is a job in itself, to which I applaud her. I also justified taking one day to myself this week because I know I'm going to be seeing him a bunch more than normal next week, and it's going to be my first time getting to have him overnight at MY place.

 

I am putting in the paperwork to give her child support next month. Actually, oddly enough, she doesn't want it to be documented in that way. So for the last year I've been doing it her way, basically buying anything our son needs, and then some, whenever she asks, and plenty of times she doesn't ask. This includes medical bills, clothes, toys, etc. etc. Trust me, our son is more than taken care of on the financial end. And once the paperwork is sent in, she'll be getting MORE than enough from me, as well as what she already gets.

Edited November 23, 2013 by The_Face

[Kizza]

hmmmm I believe that people can change, **** can hit the fan and I think that if you are not going to pay child support then keep a record of Everything you buy to help support.

 

I think it would be wiser to establish a line of funds to contribute to the cost of raising your kid whether mum wants it or not. It simply shows documented proof that you are being an active parent from a financial point of view. Even if you don't go with child support you could set up a bank account and decide to put x dollars in there each pay, attach a credit/debit card to it and use that card to make all purchases for baby, if there is left over each pay then that is bonus savings to go toward big purchases or future savings for the kid.

 

I do not know your ex, she could be the most lovely lady in the world, what I do know though is in this life we need to have our own back. Just in Case something changes...

 

To me personally, it is a red flag when she says she does not want to receive formal child support from you.

 

ETA: I just read you are submitting the paperwork... good move

[The_Face]

To me personally, it is a red flag when she says she does not want to receive formal child support from you.

 

That's what most people have said to me, too. That's why I'm getting it done next month. My ex has never wanted it, she just wants to document it in her own way and not involve the courts.

 

I've envisioned scenarios where all of a sudden I get brought to court and forced to pay back-child-support for this last year, even though I've been contributing to everything he needs the whole time.

 

I fear that even though I'm the one initiating this, and my ex is claiming she doesn't want the support, that the court may force me to pay back child support, which would be a pretty penny not to mention a slap in the face. Well... Guess I won't know until I know. No sense borrowing trouble, right?

[Kizza]

you are being pro-active right now which is very smart. Hopefully you will not be made liable for back pay. Good thing you are doing it early. Imagine if it were 5 years down the track! eeeep or more!

[Balzac]

IF she chooses to fund current expenses o. Her own - no problem. Recommend that she fund an account for college or other education for your so. Growth earned is tax free. Starting early is great.

[sunrise24]

I think it would be wiser to establish a line of funds to contribute to the cost of raising your kid whether mum wants it or not.

Even if you don't go with child support you could set up a bank account and decide to put x dollars in there each pay, attach a credit/debit card to it and use that card to make all purchases for baby, if there is left over each pay then that is bonus savings to go toward big purchases or future savings for the kid.

Recommend that she fund an account for college or other education for your so. Growth earned is tax free. Starting early is great.

I agree with all of the above.

 

 

How much do you & your ex know about how money works and how to manage/invest it? A great starting point is being able to make & use a financial statement (or at least go over finances with an accountant/bookkeeper).

In any case, children tend to learn about money from their parents, since it is scarcely taught at school (aside from majoring in Economics); it will be especially helpful to pass on whatever financial education you have & intend to acquire on to your son, for when he becomes an adult.

 

Apparently, there is already plenty of money to support your son's development; equally as important as how much money you have is how much you keep, for emergencies, investments & passing it on.

 

The beauty of the teamwork indicated throughout this topic is that you and your ex can (to an extent) learn from each other, using your strengths to overcome your weaknesses.

[pink_sugar]

You're definitely entitled to some "me" time, especially if you work all week and then have your son on weekends. (I am assuming you have him? Or do you just visit?) Unless your baby mama needed you to watch him while she attended to something, you definitely need to have some time to relax. Don't feel bad.

[The_Face]

You're definitely entitled to some "me" time, especially if you work all week and then have your son on weekends. (I am assuming you have him? Or do you just visit?) Unless your baby mama needed you to watch him while she attended to something, you definitely need to have some time to relax. Don't feel bad.

 

I visit him and typically spend both weekend nights there, but on this occasion, I stayed over just one night. Starting next week though, he's coming to stay at my place instead of me going there.

 

I've been waiting for this for so long. I am excited, for sure. Thank you for your input. It makes me feel better. I was guilting myself for it.

[Lauriebell82]

Your ex probably figures that SHE never gets a "night off" and since you dont help with your son at all during the week, then your weekends should be devoted to your son.

 

I agree with her.

 

That being said, is it possible to work out some kind of arrangement where like one weekend a month you each get a night off. So you watch your son one of the nights, and you take off one night. I feel like thats fair.

[The_Face]

Your ex probably figures that SHE never gets a "night off" and since you dont help with your son at all during the week, then your weekends should be devoted to your son.

 

She gets a night off. Plenty. I can't count how many times I've gone over there for the weekend and she's gone out with her friends drinking for the night. She's gone out and had her mom and dad watch our son during the week while I'm at work, as well. And when I stay over at her place, she gets to sleep in until ten or eleven in the morning, after the baby's woken up, because I'm taking care of him. Point is, she gets out. As much as me, if not more.

 

When I started this thread, I genuinely didn't know if I should feel bad about one night for myself. I think I'm too hard on myself, especially when I deal with my ex. There were a lot of mind games and guilt-tripping she put me through during and immediately after her pregnancy, and sometimes the past bleeds a bit into the present, I think. But I'm getting a handle on it.

 

At this point, I don't feel bad about it, other than the fact that was one day I could have spent with my son. That's the only reason I would feel bad about it anymore. As for giving my ex a "break", whatever. The weekend will be here soon. She'll get her break then. For all I know, she's having one of her breaks now. She's not answering my calls, I doubt she even has the kid. Who knows.

[Lauriebell82]

She gets a night off. Plenty. I can't count how many times I've gone over there for the weekend and she's gone out with her friends drinking for the night. She's gone out and had her mom and dad watch our son during the week while I'm at work, as well. And when I stay over at her place, she gets to sleep in until ten or eleven in the morning, after the baby's woken up, because I'm taking care of him. Point is, she gets out. As much as me, if not more.

 

When I started this thread, I genuinely didn't know if I should feel bad about one night for myself. I think I'm too hard on myself, especially when I deal with my ex. There were a lot of mind games and guilt-tripping she put me through during and immediately after her pregnancy, and sometimes the past bleeds a bit into the present, I think. But I'm getting a handle on it.

 

At this point, I don't feel bad about it, other than the fact that was one day I could have spent with my son. That's the only reason I would feel bad about it anymore. As for giving my ex a "break", whatever. The weekend will be here soon. She'll get her break then. For all I know, she's having one of her breaks now. She's not answering my calls, I doubt she even has the kid. Who knows.

 

If I were you I would watch the animosity you have towards your ex. Your son will pick up on that at some point.

[Balzac]

LS is the place to vent.

[Iamhisflower]

When she does start driving, you might want to meet half way for pick-ups and drop offs.....even if she "hates" driving. It would help you both out a lot!