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High sex drive... and no attraction to hubby

emotionlessbutalive

By emotionlessbutalive
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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hi all, I am an attractive woman who always need sex but do not want it from Hubby. I am not attracted to him and I rather please myself and watch porn. I know its not healthy but I just dont feel attracted to him and his sex drive is low too. We are affectiionate though and hug and kiss and all.I wish I can love him and have crazy sex life with him but I kind of giving up. I feel I can never come with a man and kind of given up even trying. What should do to have a normal sex life. Married for 9 years and overall in a good compatible relationship.

Clay Established Member

Clay

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So why stay with him? Don't get me wrong I think love and all the other wonderful things that come with marriage but honestly sex is right up there next to communication.

 

Clay

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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I read your other thread. sounds to me like the only way you can get your desire and attraction for him is if he transforms into a completely different person.

 

I'm not sure anyone can help you with that. he is the only that can change him and he may not want to.

 

Hate to break it to ya but I think your options are as follows -

 

A. leave him and find someone else.

 

B. Get your romantic/sexual needs met by someone else with his knowledge and consent (ie open marriage)

 

C. Get your needs met by someone else without his consent (ie cheat)

 

D. Get him to transform himself into a different person.

 

E. Suck it up and live with it and keep spanking to porn.

 

 

In the case of D, about the only way to do that is to do something really really drastic that gets his attention and motivates him to turn himself into someone else.

 

It will probably take either having an affair or packing up and moving out in order to get his attention that you are this deeply dissatisfied.

 

There are some very real risks in doing this. One is that he will decide he is OK with you being gone and will let you go. Another is that if you cheat again it will be the last straw and he dumps you. and another very real risk is that you will get pissed that it takes such extreme measures to get his attention and get him to bow to your wishes and you will end up throwing in the towel anyway.

 

I see option A as about your only real option here that will result in you two having a chance at living a happy, healthy life. If just won't be together.

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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I read your other thread. sounds to me like the only way you can get your desire and attraction for him is if he transforms into a completely different person.

 

I'm not sure anyone can help you with that. he is the only that can change him and he may not want to.

 

Hate to break it to ya but I think your options are as follows -

 

A. leave him and find someone else.

 

B. Get your romantic/sexual needs met by someone else with his knowledge and consent (ie open marriage)

 

C. Get your needs met by someone else without his consent (ie cheat)

 

D. Get him to transform himself into a different person.

 

E. Suck it up and live with it and keep spanking to porn.

 

 

In the case of D, about the only way to do that is to do something really really drastic that gets his attention and motivates him to turn himself into someone else.

 

It will probably take either having an affair or packing up and moving out in order to get his attention that you are this deeply dissatisfied.

 

There are some very real risks in doing this. One is that he will decide he is OK with you being gone and will let you go. Another is that if you cheat again it will be the last straw and he dumps you. and another very real risk is that you will get pissed that it takes such extreme measures to get his attention and get him to bow to your wishes and you will end up throwing in the towel anyway.

 

I see option A as about your only real option here that will result in you two having a chance at living a happy, healthy life. If just won't be together.

 

I am working on D and E :).

 

I packed up and tried to move and got his attention and he is changed in many ways...is more affectionate and shows drive towards his career, and is more communicative BUT,

 

nieghter him or I are interested in having sex. We hold each other and sleep and kiss and hug. I wonder if he masturbate like I do or he has low libido...perod.

 

I have no problem in B and C option since everyone thinks i am hot and sexy and a lot of men desire me. I persued option C and had affair but could not compartalize and situation became worst since I resented him even more and fell in love with the other man.

 

It looks like I am resonsible for this marriage and I am tired of making it work... I cant leave him since,

 

1. he is a good man who would never cheat on me

2. he is a very good father

3. He might not agree to me immediately but he does listen to me and try to work on things atleast for sometimes

4. He deeply adores me in his own way

5. If I leave him he will break

6. After having serious discussions he is working on things

 

Sometimes I wonder is it me who is not attracted to him or its him...we talk about a lot of things and its more friendship than a couple relationship....

karnak Established Member

karnak

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Your marriage is dead. Sorry.

You have no attraction for your husband.

 

You've already cheated on him.

 

You're just married to him because you know you can trust him, he'll not cheat on you nor desert you. And you're "used to him".

 

The first moment you fall in deep passion for another man you know you'll leave your husband ASAP.

 

Why wait for the worst outcome? You must have a deep, deep talk with your man and you both must decide what is the best future for the 2 of you.

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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Your marriage is dead. Sorry.

You have no attraction for your husband.

 

You've already cheated on him.

 

You're just married to him because you know you can trust him, he'll not cheat on you nor desert you. And you're "used to him".

 

The first moment you fall in deep passion for another man you know you'll leave your husband ASAP.

 

Why wait for the worst outcome? You must have a deep, deep talk with your man and you both must decide what is the best future for the 2 of you.

 

you are right and it has happened. I fell on love and deep passion and was fantasizing about leaving but he was married too. So came back and trying to make it wor6kfor my child. Lo e and passion is NOT everything to make a marriage survive. Given an option to be married to someone who would cheat I prefer a sexless marriage, however no denying that its deeply unsatisfying...

Catfish Member

Catfish

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This sounds like classic Low T. If so, you will be very attracted to him after it gets fixed. Your sex drive is related to HIS Testosterone level.

 

Believe it....

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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This sounds like classic Low T. If so, you will be very attracted to him after it gets fixed. Your sex drive is related to HIS Testosterone level.

 

Believe it....

 

How do I get it checked?

Clay Established Member

Clay

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Honestly I think I would not worry about getting it checked. Your marriage is already on the way out the door. You cheated on him. This is going to be something that neither of you will ever really forget. Even if you have never told him at some point in time in your marriage it will come out and when It does one of you is going to really check out of the marriage.

 

Cheating is a relationship killer. It is the most effective way in ruining the other person. If he knows you did it is going to eat him alive and effect him in ways you will not understand. You will have achieved your goal in changing him forever. I find it amazing that you really don't even say you feel bad for it. So with that being said its clear you already checked out and are just staying out of comfort.

 

You honestly should let him go so he can find someone he does fill that chemistry with and has that meaningful life with.

 

I wish you the best in this but I just don't see you every having a meaningful marriage based on the things you already said.

 

 

Clay

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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.

 

 

 

1. he is a good man who would never cheat on me

2. he is a very good father

3. He might not agree to me immediately but he does listen to me and try to work on things atleast for sometimes

4. He deeply adores me in his own way

5. If I leave him he will break

6. After having serious discussions he is working on things

 

 

You just described a girlfriend, not a husband and lover.

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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5. If I leave him he will break

 

 

 

No he won't. That's your own fantasy on the role that you play in his life.

 

You are not attracted to him and you aren't having sex with him so him losing you would be like when a good friend takes a job in another city or a close cousin leaves for school in another state.

 

He'll miss and he will have to readjust his life, but he'll do fine.

 

It's how you two break things off that will determine how much angst and sadness and bitterness there will be.

 

If you packed up all your stuff and moved out with the kids while he was at work and you simply left a note that said you're gone because he has a little dick and is bad in bed and then you actively undermined his access to and relationship with the kids and you bring home every boyfriend to rub in his face, then yes, he will probably be bitter and resentfull.

 

If on the other hand you deal with this in a respectful and compassionate way and even enter into counseling so that you can work out exit strategies and how to handle the divorce in counseling, your separation will likely be pretty nondramatic and uneventful.

 

You have no passion in the marriage now, there's no reason to believe that there will be any passion in the divorce unless you start being intentionally hurtful.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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The first moment you fall in deep passion for another man you know you'll leave your husband ASAP.

.

 

 

This is also true. Noone wakes up one day and decides that they are going to fall for someone else or that they are going to have an affair.

 

Affairs are a response and a reaction to someone coming into their life with whom they are attracted to. they are not something that someone proactively decides to do until they encounter someone that lights their fire.

 

You ARE going to fall for someone and have an affair again one of these days. You have no romantic/sexual feelings for your husband, it's just a matter of time before someone else triggers that response.

 

Your options are to grit your teeth and have both you and your husband just suffer through a life of frustration and dissatisfaction until you meet that other person and then go through the pain and chaos and bitterness that an affair creates.

 

 

 

Or you can come up with a respectful and compassionate exit strategy and you two can work together to dissolve your marriage and each of you move on with your lives while still be respectful to each other and working together to raise the kids.

 

This will also give him an opportunity to find someone else that will love and appreciate him.

 

When you both do find someone else, you will regret the time that you burned up simply "marking time" and living a sham of a marriage.

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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This sounds like classic Low T. If so, you will be very attracted to him after it gets fixed. Your sex drive is related to HIS Testosterone level.

 

Believe it....

 

Thank you for advice. I asked him and he agreed to go. We both want to make it work and care for each other....

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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You just described a girlfriend, not a husband and lover.

 

I feel the same way Sometimes but I can't ignore the fact that he is a great reliable guys with values. Marriage means walking rough paths together and support each other . I agree having a sexless life is dissatisfying but it can be fixed. Atleast he is not a shallow man who is sleeping around and faking to have a family. He is genuine and has a low sec drive and we will try to fix it.

 

I have seen mam who needs sex from wife and have roving eyes...

 

I agree I cheated and fell for someone. ..wouldnt you if you have an empty lonely life and someone fills that gap. I bet you will go right ahead. Cheating is overrated and pple forget that ilnoone plans to cheat and harm their families and we all need love....

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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No he won't. That's your own fantasy on the role that you play in his life.

 

You are not attracted to him and you aren't having sex with him so him losing you would be like when a good friend takes a job in another city or a close cousin leaves for school in another state.

 

He'll miss and he will have to readjust his life, but he'll do fine.

 

It's how you two break things off that will determine how much angst and sadness and bitterness there will be.

 

If you packed up all your stuff and moved out with the kids while he was at work and you simply left a note that said you're gone because he has a little dick and is bad in bed and then you actively undermined his access to and relationship with the kids and you bring home every boyfriend to rub in his face, then yes, he will probably be bitter and resentfull.

 

If on the other hand you deal with this in a respectful and compassionate way and even enter into counseling so that you can work out exit strategies and how to handle the divorce in counseling, your separation will likely be pretty nondramatic and uneventful.

 

You have no passion in the marriage now, there's no reason to believe that there will be any passion in the divorce unless you start being intentionally hurtful.

 

Let me put this way...If I leave I will feel like a failure and I will break because I do love him. Marriage is not dead since we both care about each other and hugs and kiss all the time and hold each other and sleep. Its not finished for sure.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Let me put this way...If I leave I will feel like a failure and I will break because I do love him.

 

Marriage is not dead since we both care about each other and hugs and kiss all the time and hold each other and sleep. Its not finished for sure.

 

You are projecting a lot of your feelings and such on to him and basically accusing him of feeling and acting like you are feeling and acting.

 

If you want to say that your marriage isn't dead, I will take that at face value but will add that it may not be dead but it is dying and on a downward progression.

 

With the despair and level of frustration and dissatisfaction, it will take a lot of work and effort to resuscitate it to a healthy and satisfactory level.

 

The question you are going to need to answer sooner rather than later is are both of you willing and able to put in that amount of time and effort or are you better off just cutting your losses and working on splitting amicably?

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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You are projecting a lot of your feelings and such on to him and basically accusing him of feeling and acting like you are feeling and acting.

 

If you want to say that your marriage isn't dead, I will take that at face value but will add that it may not be dead but it is dying and on a downward progression.

 

With the despair and level of frustration and dissatisfaction, it will take a lot of work and effort to resuscitate it to a healthy and satisfactory level.

 

The question you are going to need to answer sooner rather than later is are both of you willing and able to put in that amount of time and effort or are you better off just cutting your losses and working on splitting amicably?

 

You are right, but none of us want to separate. He wants to work on it but I am sick and tired to be one who is trying to do anything in this relationship. He cares about and and I do care about him. We are just not lovers and he needs to do something to make me attract to him and that includes his sex drive his career, his social life... He was better when I met him. My personality overpowers him and he gets insecure. he needs to be a man.

elbe Established Member

elbe

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hi all, I am an attractive woman who always need sex but do not want it from Hubby. I am not attracted to him and I rather please myself and watch porn. I know its not healthy but I just dont feel attracted to him and his sex drive is low too. We are affectiionate though and hug and kiss and all.I wish I can love him and have crazy sex life with him but I kind of giving up. I feel I can never come with a man and kind of given up even trying. What should do to have a normal sex life. Married for 9 years and overall in a good compatible relationship.

 

What's your number? Just joking....... This is a real problem. I used to be the same way, would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with my girl. I think it's a porn addiction problem more than an attractive problem -- or at the very least porn makes your own partner look unattractive.

 

You should try to lay off the porn/masturbation for a week or more. Then f*ck your husband like you just met him. Continue to not watch porn and deprive yourself of sex until you bang your hubby senseless.

 

Porn is great but if you are replacing sex with it you are doing it wrong... Time to back off a bit :p

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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when I met my wife I was thin, than during our marriage I gained 50 pounds of weight. Exw blatantly told me that she was no longer sexually attracted to me. Instead of controlling my midnight snacking I followed the advice of my sister who told me that women are not as visual as a male. Later I found out about her affair when she told me that the baby she was carrying might not be mine. She told me this knowing full well that the om looked nothing like me and it would only be a matter of time before I learned the truth presumably after the birth of the baby. We divorced six months ago.

 

Must be hard on you. But why did you stop caring about gaining weight after marriage. I feel marriage is a work and both need to put effort to look attractive to each other and keep the relationship alive. She def wanted to leave so did everything she could to get divorce.

 

If the man I love wants me back and leave everythng for me, I will leave everything for him too. Life is to live once and relationships dont work one partner do all the work...

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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What's your number? Just joking....... This is a real problem. I used to be the same way, would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with my girl. I think it's a porn addiction problem more than an attractive problem -- or at the very least porn makes your own partner look unattractive.

 

You should try to lay off the porn/masturbation for a week or more. Then f*ck your husband like you just met him. Continue to not watch porn and deprive yourself of sex until you bang your hubby senseless.

 

Porn is great but if you are replacing sex with it you are doing it wrong... Time to back off a bit :p

 

Hi Elbe, thanks. This is the best advice I got so far... I started pleasing myself after he failed to satisfy me and I needed it. I wasnt watching it before and it was once in a while. Now its everyday, atleast once. I just feel he doesnt want me too and its unattractive... he does not pay attention to please me and get to the point and sleeps.

 

But, thank you so much. I will try it and see if not watching me make me want him. Its such a shame, that I hug him and sleep but dont want to do him. I like his company but not sex.

 

How did you get attracted to your wife again?

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Thank you for advice. I asked him and he agreed to go. We both want to make it work and care for each other....

 

You already CARE for each other. You are not going to fall in love with him just because his T levels have risen. You need to let him go.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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You are right, but none of us want to separate. He wants to work on it but I am sick and tired to be one who is trying to do anything in this relationship. He cares about and and I do care about him. We are just not lovers and he needs to do something to make me attract to him and that includes his sex drive his career, his social life... He was better when I met him. My personality overpowers him and he gets insecure. he needs to be a man.

 

Believe it or not there are women out there that want a man just like your husband and he will turn them on sexually. You have a strong personality and you need a man whose personality is stronger than yours. You can't change him, you can't change him so stop trying.

elbe Established Member

elbe

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How did you get attracted to your wife again?

 

You'll be surprised what a little sex deprivation does to the old libido. We are no longer together - lots of reasons but this was one.

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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You already CARE for each other. You are not going to fall in love with him just because his T levels have risen. You need to let him go.

 

Well, I told him several times in 15 years. he wouldnt leave. I m not holding him, he just doesnt want to leave...

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emotionlessbutalive Member

emotionlessbutalive

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Believe it or not there are women out there that want a man just like your husband and he will turn them on sexually. You have a strong personality and you need a man whose personality is stronger than yours. You can't change him, you can't change him so stop trying.

 

 

Good point: I need a man stronger than I am and that does make me attracted. But whats wrong with him. I have tried to leave him gazzilion times since the day 1 I have known him, he doesnt...

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