Should I contact my Ex girlfriend after a year of 'No Contact'?

[Dan007]

This question may be long to read, so please bear with me asI explain the details of what I’m asking for.

 

3 Year ago when I started university at age 21, I had neverhad a girlfriend before and was really inexperience with girls as I didn’t have much contact and was very awkward and shy. However, this all changed atuniversity as my confidence grew and so did my interaction with girls. I would go to parties and socialise with new people and was enjoying my life and during the second year at university, I met this girl (Lady X) and immediately wasattracted to her. She is from Malaysia, whereas I’m based in the UK. Within the next few months, we became good friends and eventually dated. I was really intoher and she definitely felt the same for me too. I was charming, confident andknew how to make her laugh.

 

2 months after becoming good friends, we eventually started to date and developed a relationship – I was the happiest I had ever been. We would do everything – eat together, see movies at the cinema, stay up late atnight at halls and talk about our past experiences growing up. The more time went on, the more I became besotted by her. However during the third month intothe relationship, part of me started to change, I don’t know what it was – butI felt myself slowly but surely becoming paranoid and demanding. I wanted totry new things with her – e.g. socialise more with her friends & have sexual intercourse. Lady X hardly wanted to socialise with me with otherpeople, which within time would annoy me deep down because I loved to socialiseand I loved to show off to people that we ‘were together’. However she neversaw it like I did, and wanted to keep friends and relationships separate –which I didn’t understand at the time. The second frustrating point is I reallywanted to have sex with her, and she didn’t want too – THIS IS WHERE I FEEL REALLY ASHAMED. Because my insecurities and demands were becoming overwhelming, I would try and entice her to do sexual stuff with me – against her will. But she eventually started to let her guarddown but it still doesn’t excuse my bad behaviour back then.

 

Furthermore, I would moan a lot to her about what ‘she was doing wrong’ and how I wasn’t happy with her views and behaviour during our relationship. My insecurities, paranoia and demands would slowly drive her away and lose that attraction that she felt towards me earlier. Maybe you could saythat I mentally abused her. It was around this time, that I learnt that she was a princess, of royalty blood (NoJoke), which just made me EVEN MORE crazy inside. Unfortunately, I became jealous of her – she went to fashion shows, met other royalty, lived in apalace and lived a sheltered life. She was unable to cope with my mood swing and negativity, and I did try impose myself too much on her. 2-3 times, we would break up, then get backto together so it was one emotional rollercoaster. There was good times between us, then really bad times and it would carry on like this until the 8th month, where we would break up over Skype. She told me her reasons – she was scared of me, couldn’t change for me, and wanted to concentrate on her studiesfor the 3rd year without any distractions. I understood her reasons,but was UTTERLY devastated as this was my first official break up. I remember feeling like nothing else mattered and was so depressed – I couldn’t eat, lost confidence, lost weight, and felt like if I was on a plane, I wouldn’t care if I crashed And died then and there!

 

]During the third year at university, I was still depressedbut slowly started to find myself and concentrate on my studies. I started going to gym and taking care of myself mentally and physically. The pain wouldsubside but my feelings suddenly turned into bitterness. Whenever I passed myex-girlfriend in the campus, she would smile and remain friendly, but I justlooked away because I was still heartbroken and sad inside, whenever I saw her.The fact that she appeared happy again made me angry, she seemed relieved thatit was over. I asked her if she wanted to get back together and she said no – I would try and apologise but she became so annoyed that one day – I discovered she was texting her friend, asking him to hook me up with another girl. The moment I saw this text – I SNAPPED OUT OF IT! I learnt then, that I was in a bubble, making myself looking needy and desperate, just degrading myself to the max! Suddenly, I made a promise never to contact her again, as I wanted tosalvage some dignity! My last text to her – I demanded that she return my clothes that she took from me earlier (even though she wore them) and made itclear I wouldn’t contact her again! I was sad / bitter as I sent this messagebut it was the best thing I could do, as I needed a fresh change. Since then, I passed by her twice during that whole year and she would look away and appeared bitter whenever she saw me.

 

At the end of the third year, I learnt I had to resist one test so I couldn’t graduate until last week. I learnt my ex failed too andwould have her graduation on the same day as mine. Now considering I had ended things badly, there was and is bitter blood between us. Before the graduationlast week, I hadn’t seen or contacted her in nearly a year. During this time, Ihad met and dated new girls, went on holidays, saw family abroad and was livingmy life. But I would always think about my past relationship – what did Ilearn? What did I do wrong? Why did she want to break up? Over time, I understood through 1-1 therapy sessions that I was mainly in the wrong, for doing thethings I did, trying to change her and made her nervous, not accepting her background or her as a person. I had to take responsibility for my actions andthis helped me to mature as a person.

 

Well, graduation took place last week and for the first timein a year, I saw my ex with her family, and she saw me with mine. There was clear tension and nervousness between us, but I managed to stay cool and calm. We would sneak glances at one another, but nothing else. Part of me was feelingguilty, and another part wanted to go and speak to her. In the end, I didn’tspeak to her as she was with her friends, family and I didn’t want to ruin hergraduation. Since then, I haven’t stopped thinking about her – about my actions, possibly speaking to her to show my new maturity, and just a friendly catch-up. As I write this, I am wondering if I should message / email her, to see how she’s doing, congratulate her on her graduation, and possibly admit that I was in the wrong for my past behaviour.

 

I think I’m looking for closure, and to see how she’s been getting on. After all, it’s been a whole year since we last spoke. I don’t have feelings for her, as I’m aware she’s not the right girl for me, but it would be nice possibly be on civil terms. Please give me your honest feedback &opinions on what I should do. Once again, I appreciate you reading this long question

[Grumpybutfun]

Dan:

No, let her move on and you do the same. You are on civil terms since you didn't go at each other's throat when at the graduation. Let sleeping dogs lie. You have closure if you know that she isn't the one. That is really all you need to know.

G

[Dan007]

Grumpybutfun :

 

You're most probably right, but part of me feels that I should message her, to see how she is doing, since we ended things badly. I don't want to get back with her, but at the same time - know that I should show my new maturity. There is no harm in sending a message to her, is there? What's the worst that can happen...?

[Simon Phoenix]

If you are starting a thread on it, you shouldn't do it.

[Dan007]

Ok, thanks for your help.