Not sure how to look at this situation

[spiritofjosh]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for just shy of two months, and although we are still together I feel like she may break up with me.

 

I've had a 5 year relationship end 4 years ago and she put me through hell until she finally broke up with me. Unfortunately my current girlfriend reminds me of my ex (all the good qualities, not bad) that I constantly make myself think she's going to hurt me like my ex did and I've been vocal about this.

 

My girlfriend reminds me constantly that she'd never hurt me, leave me or do anything that I would think was shady and I need to trust her. We kept fighting about it and she started acting distant, so we talked and I apologized and said I do trust her etc.

 

Problem now is we were fighting about her being distant but yesterday I tried just putting this all behind and go back to being as happy as we were.

 

She kept telling me yesterday she doesn't know if I really trust her when I can and asked if I'm really going to give it all a rest. She kept telling me she doesn't know what's right to do and I just said for her to do what she feels is right and I respect her decision either way. She hasn't texted or talked to me since 430 yesterday afternoon.

 

I didn't want to bother her but I just said I hope she's having a good day and that I miss her, but no response as of yet. Her Facebook and Instagram still has me as her boyfriend on it so we aren't offically broken up.

 

Should I just give her space and let her come to me, try and make her feel better about this or just move on? I really want to make this work because I've never been happier with somebody, i just needed a slap in the face to make me put my past insecurities aside and realize she hasn't done anything to make me not trust her.

[madjac74]

She sounds like a drama queen. And anyone who promises they wont hurt you or leave you is full of crap. I am not saying she is in the wrong here. It sounds like you have some things to work out on your own. So maybe give both of yourselves some space for a bit

[spiritofjosh]

I've said that to her; that she or anybody can't possibly know what may happen further on. She just says that I'm right but that the way we met, how we are together and how I am is enough for her to never want anything else or more. Now her argument is she's just sick of fighting and I try to pick a fight over anything.

 

I'm giving her space but she is being a drama queen and taking this silent treatment a little too far. I told her yesterday if this is her way of showing she doesn't want to be with me to just give me the respect and tell me straight. She just kept saying she doesn't know what is right bc of the constant fighting, despite me trying to leave it all behind and focus on moving forward.

[mammasita]

Less than two months and drama like this?

 

I think you may need to deal with some of your own issues first. It sounds like a bit of a volatile situation, you and her together right now.

[DrSimple]

Sounds like the problem in this situation is you.

 

You plainly state that you told her you didn't trust her and that you fought with her over your ex issues. She is already on the retreat. You are so hung up on avoiding getting hurt, you now have hurt yourself and this girl.

 

It has been 4 years since your breakup, you need to find a way to process your feelings as they create mental blocks that prevent you from moving forward. Do some introspection, talk to a trusted person who won't pull punches, or even seek professional help.

 

If this girl is one you want to keep, continue to give her space. This is a very rocky start to a relationship, so you want it to continue you will have to show an effort to heal or else she will expect continued resistance from you in the future.

 

On the note of promising not to hurt you - This is obviously her reponse to what you told her, a mere attempt at trying to calm your demons. She isn't claiming you won't get hurt if things go wrong, but that she isn't there to purposely hurt you.

 

If I was getting in fights with a person in a 2 month relationship I would be long gone, she isn't a drama queen but someone who likes you and is trying to help since she hasn't left you yet.

Edited November 22, 2013 by DrSimple

[spiritofjosh]

Sounds like the problem in this situation is you.

 

You plainly state that you told her you didn't trust her and that you fought with her over your ex issues. She is already on the retreat. You are so hung up on avoiding getting hurt, you now have hurt yourself and this girl.

 

It has been 4 years since your breakup, you need to find a way to process your feelings as they create mental blocks that prevent you from moving forward. Do some introspection, talk to a trusted person who won't pull punches, or even seek professional help.

 

If this girl is one you want to keep, continue to give her space. This is a very rocky start to a relationship, so you want it to continue you will have to show an effort to heal or else she will expect continued resistance from you in the future.

 

On the note of promising not to hurt you - This is obviously her reponse to what you told her, a mere attempt at trying to calm your demons. She isn't claiming you won't get hurt if things go wrong, but that she isn't there to purposely hurt you.

 

If I was getting in fights with a person in a 2 month relationship I would be long gone, she isn't a drama queen but someone who likes you and is trying to help since she hasn't left you yet.

 

This, and all so far, is very good advice. Unfortunately, well somewhat fortunately, I understand fully that I'm the issue, 100%. I have things I need to let go, that's obvious. But how to convince her I will work on letting them go and want to keep her is what I don't know how to do. She is on the retreat and I'm beating myself up over it currently because she was incredible to me, to the point I tried telling her many times that she made me forget anybody I ever been with to which she'd say the same about me. I just hid that I still felt that way by assuming she would be like "every other girl" and hurt me.

 

While I'm working out my personal issues and fully understand she could be with anybody and chose me, I wish I could reverse how I made her feel so she would let this be put behind us instead of ending it.

[DrSimple]

This, and all so far, is very good advice. Unfortunately, well somewhat fortunately, I understand fully that I'm the issue, 100%. I have things I need to let go, that's obvious. But how to convince her I will work on letting them go and want to keep her is what I don't know how to do. She is on the retreat and I'm beating myself up over it currently because she was incredible to me, to the point I tried telling her many times that she made me forget anybody I ever been with to which she'd say the same about me. I just hid that I still felt that way by assuming she would be like "every other girl" and hurt me.

 

While I'm working out my personal issues and fully understand she could be with anybody and chose me, I wish I could reverse how I made her feel so she would let this be put behind us instead of ending it.

 

Well it sounds to me like the damage is done my friend, you can't go back anymore. There is hope though.

 

If I were in your skin approaching the situation (trying to consider how you think, not me) I would approach it this way:

 

- Realize you can't put the start into this magical "didn't happen" zone. Own up for it and apologize, but don't dismiss it.

 

- Tell her you want to continue the relationship, but it would be best for you to slow things down. Explain to her that slowing down is to help the relationship, not to end it. Reduce the frequency of your meet ups to allow for a slower and more natural bonding as a form of healing. This can take the tension/pressure of the situation to diffuse it.

 

- Continue improving on your mental state in the mean time.

 

- Realize if it doesn't work out that you have learned a lot from this situation. You have already identified a lot of what went wrong, so don't repeat those mistakes.

 

- Don't be afraid to get hurt next time. Take the focus off your inner battles and focus purely on the person across the table from you. Getting hurt sucks, but worse then getting hurt is regret for not trying.

[spiritofjosh]

I'm literally having a conversation about it as I'm typing this, I'm just waiting on her responses..which aren't good.

 

She keeps telling me she doesn't believe it'll improve. I keep trying to tell her we don't know if these issues will continue but I don't think she's budging with her decision. I wish I could get her to believe that I know I caused this whole issue but I'm trying to get her to understand it's not something I plan on repeating.

[DrSimple]

I'm literally having a conversation about it as I'm typing this, I'm just waiting on her responses..which aren't good.

 

She keeps telling me she doesn't believe it'll improve. I keep trying to tell her we don't know if these issues will continue but I don't think she's budging with her decision. I wish I could get her to believe that I know I caused this whole issue but I'm trying to get her to understand it's not something I plan on repeating.

 

I know you don't want to give in, but it is over. Salvage some pride and back down, take it like a man and walk away.

[spiritofjosh]

I said I respect her decision and she didn't have anything else to say. It hurts but I can't make her think my way so live and learn.

 

One thing that's weird I noticed is on her instagram there's tons of pictures of just me she took and posted, like "this is my boyfriend" type pictures and several others of both us kissing or just together..no special event or place, just us. I looked at her instagram a couple hours after we last spoke and I noticed she deleted a few pictures because the quantity was less than earlier today but when I looked she kept all the pictures of us, pictures of me and pictures of food she made me and food and flowers I had brought her. I also changed my facebook status to single where she just made hers hidden instead of it saying single openly.

 

Maybe it's nothing but from her last ex there wasn't a trace of him anywhere on her facebook or instagram. In fact when I first met her months ago before I assume her and her boyfriend went on bad terms she had no pictures of him at all on her instagram. Just bizarre to me to think about. She also has a few of her dvd's at my house still and my jacket is in her car, so we'll see how long until she asks for it back.

 

Sucks letting go of somebody who finally makes you happy after years of searching for just that and failing.

[DrSimple]

I said I respect her decision and she didn't have anything else to say. It hurts but I can't make her think my way so live and learn.

 

One thing that's weird I noticed is on her instagram there's tons of pictures of just me she took and posted, like "this is my boyfriend" type pictures and several others of both us kissing or just together..no special event or place, just us. I looked at her instagram a couple hours after we last spoke and I noticed she deleted a few pictures because the quantity was less than earlier today but when I looked she kept all the pictures of us, pictures of me and pictures of food she made me and food and flowers I had brought her. I also changed my facebook status to single where she just made hers hidden instead of it saying single openly.

 

Maybe it's nothing but from her last ex there wasn't a trace of him anywhere on her facebook or instagram. In fact when I first met her months ago before I assume her and her boyfriend went on bad terms she had no pictures of him at all on her instagram. Just bizarre to me to think about. She also has a few of her dvd's at my house still and my jacket is in her car, so we'll see how long until she asks for it back.

 

Sucks letting go of somebody who finally makes you happy after years of searching for just that and failing.

 

Well I am sorry for the end of your relationship, I think that you have come out a better man for having it. You got a glimpse of what you truly wanted which sent you into overdrive from being withdrawn from it for so long.

 

You can't rationalize a woman into dating/loving you sadly. As for her instagram, she likely had a messy breakup with her ex and deleted his stuff in anger. She doesn't hate you, she just feels like the relationship won't work.

 

Now pick yourself up and hold your head high, strike out on your path to find the next special someone with a different perspective. Make it your mission to work on your demons, so when you meet the next Ms. Right you can handle the situation.