Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I'm in desperate need of advice. My girl of 6 and 1/2 years broke up w/ me. Long story short I didn't pay enough attention to her, was emoptionally drained from other responsibilities and maybe was a little depressed. Well, she finally got fed up. One main issues w/ her was that I had never proposed to her. But she is not talking to me and wrote this in an e-mail she sent me. It's been 1 month and 3/4 since we last spoke in person or over the phone. " I think the issues are impossible to surmount. There are just too many of them and each is massive. It really is finished. The ___-____ song has been written--the lyrics are hollow, the harmony is off and the chords are ugly--and there is no rewriting it. We cannot start over and I will not fall back into that unhappy song. You must realize that we will both do much better on a clean page with someone new. There is too much pain and bad blood in our story..." My first question is, how seriouse is this e-mail? The second question is, After she left me I did some soul searching and poured out my heart to a numebr of people. I relaized there was no point in waiting for the perfect time to get married. I love her tremendously. I was goign to give her a month of space. So do you think me buying a weddign ring now would hurt or help? Third question: I heard form a realiable source that she is dating already. I can't beleive it but she is a very determined gun-ho type. Shoudl I be worried? Last Question: What do you make of it if your ex recently prints out pictures of you two together or asks you not to throw away the boxes of pictures and memorabilia she gave you? I am thoroughly confused. Thanks
cheatersrsad Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 This must be hard on you. The email came across to me as slightly strange. However, you know her best...it sounded very dramatic with all the references, etc. I was in a 10 yr relationship that ended with no proposal and am now happily married to someone I knew 4 months before getting married. Sometimes you just don't know until you try...right? So my advice to you is to ignore what is said about her dating, and every other who said, he said and she said...and go see her. If you truly want her and she wants you, then you will know. Good luck!
tiki Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I say give it a shot. Some of the things she has said sounds like she may still be trying to hold on. That could be a good sign.
Author Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Yeh i don't really know what's goign on here, it's like a whilrwind and everything just came crashing down. The e-mail seemed weird to me as well. It seemed like she is trying soo hard to hurt me. But I'm also concerned cuz I told her that if it takes me standing outside her door until she takes me back I will do that. She called my friend and told him that if I do she will call the police. I don't know what to make of it! She is a very dramtic person, and i know the reason she doesn't want to see me is that she will take me back. I'm actually happy we broke up. Alot of things she complained about I couldn't see. So i guess I did need the space. So I guess is the engagement ring going to be a sufficient token to say I've changed or would you girls think it is a sham? She's a very beautiful and intelligetn person. A real diamond. ANd I know she wants to be married and have kids ASAP. And she is very determined and usually does what she sets her mind to, especially when people are cheering her on. Almost like a daredevil (actually tried out for fear Factor). So i'm actually scared that if she starts dating it might be the end.
Author Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 cheatersrsad Why did your 10 year realtionship end? Was it on your end? If it did how long did it take you to start dating again?
tiki Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 No! Don't buy her a ring! You'd be a crazy foo to do that! Maybe you should re-evaluate the relationship that you did have. Then make a decision as to whether or not you'd like to 'resume the position'.
Author Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Tiki, What does "resuem the position" mean?
tiki Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Resume your position - go back to where you last were.
Author Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 YeaH i see what your saying. But most of the big issues had to do w/ me and my lack or inabilty to communicate. ANd my feeling that the world was on my shoulders alone. I have since got a better suppot system and have opened up alot more. I do beleive people change. So I don't belive it'll be the same. I think I needed an experience liek this to realize how hard it must of been w/ her to be in a relationship w/ me. An dhow much she really loved me. But here is the rest of that paragraph she wrote. "I have no plans to see you anytime in the near future. I probably will not want to see you for 6 months to a year and even then--what would be the point? In an ideal situation we could be friends, but with us I think that will be too painful. 2. Yes, I think the issues are impossible to surmount. There are just too many of them and each is massive. It really is finished. The her name-my name song has been written--the lyrics are hollow, the harmony is off and the chords are ugly--and there is no rewriting it. We cannot start over and I will not fall back into that unhappy song. You must realize that we will both do much better on a clean page with someone new. There is too much pain and bad blood in our story..."
Author Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 this is another part of another e-mail! "Feelings do not matter anymore. Of course I loved you, why else would I have stayed for so long? But this isn't about feelings, it's about facts. And the fact is a relationship with you will never meet my needs. You do not know how to love nor do you understand what a healthy relationship looks like. I have put my own desires and needs behind yours for years and it has caused me great frustration and sadness. You are right--your promises aren't worth **** to me. You had SIX WHOLE YEARS in which to treat me right, love me the way I deserve to be loved, and you didn't do it. Why should I give you more time to treat me shabbily? Time is up. The sooner you make peace with that the better. " Well the problem is that when this all began we decided to go to cousneling. WE went to 1 session and she felt we didn't make progress. Do i have any hope here? Is she just very angry and is lashing out or do you think the hurt will subside?
cheatersrsad Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 You asked me about my 10yr relationship...well we met at 18 and broke up at 28. Basically, the first 8 years we were finishing highschool, college and making our way into the "real" world. So at about 26 I realized I wanted marriage, children, etc. He realized he wanted Harley and a dog...so...needless to say, it had to end. I ended it but he was in total agreement. But you know what I remember? I had second thoughts (my broken heart talking because I never asked to have him back) and we got together a few times after the breakup. The final time I saw him at his house I was leaving and he called my name and said "maybe if we had been married we would be happy right now." At first I thought "duh" that's like saying if I wasn't a girl, I'd be a boy. But now I see it differently. The opposite of breaking up would NOT have necessarily been staying with him, getting married and being happy. Who's to say? BUT that's my point. If you don't know, then you can't say. If you don't leap then you don't know. Confusing but true....People tend to say horrible things when they are hurt. I would let her know how you feel, what your hopes are and that you are there. Then it's up to her and in the end you can know you put it all out there for her and if she moves on, then do so too. P.S. I would suggest not standing outside her door. Not only is this clearly not what she desires at this point, but it's creepy when it's not a romantic gesture.
Author Losther Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Well thanks. Yeah we have ahd a lot of issues to deal with. Mainly on my end. I haven't grown much since college and it seems like her and all my friedns have. But I aboslutely love this girl. We not only have the same sense of culture but the same desires in life. Standing outseide her door. Yeah that is weird. Btu we had a firend who broke up w/ her boyfriend and then flew up to see him and slept at the bus depot for like 10 hours and he fianlly came and now theya re engaged. We laughed about that at the engagemnt party. So, I said if that's what it takes that's what it takes. I never planned on doing that but her reaction caught me by suprise nonetheless. But I think I might take a shot with the engagement ring. This period has been invaluable to me but I want to give her a token that I am working on me and want to continue workign on us and am willing to move forward. I also want to show her that I am here for the long run and am serious about resolving all the issues we have wether through therapy, church or wherever we can get it. I am thinking if I give it to her and promise her that in 3 motnhs I will do it properly. and in that that time I want to grow some more, work on me, and for us just to date, go to couples cousneling and just go back to the time when we were madly in love and we both new it. And if she feels she needs to date to make sure she's not wasting time w/ me so be it. Does that sound like a good plan? this is all in a month when she has more time to stop fuming. There are only two options here. She says no and I know it all done and over. it can't feel worse than what I feel now. Or she says yes and I feel alot bettter than I feel now.
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