I am such an idiot, so embarrassed

[Zahara]

I just think him and the other guy were very similar. I haven't had this experience with any other men, or anyone basically. It seems to be a type of guy the emotionally stunted ones

 

And that's the thing, Mishy. When do you recognize it and walk away? You want to spend another 5 years on one of these? You see it, you know it, yet you chase. Who cares if he blocked you, if the phone is disconnected, if he threw it down the toilet -- stop obsessing on the why he didn't respond and accept that emotionally stunted will not give you what you need and shut the door.

 

Now you are calling to check his line. When does it stop? It's all irrelevant at this point. Its done. Over. Come to a resolution that this is not something you want or need in your life and it's time to push forward.

 

Stop the obsessing.

[Teknoe]

I don't think that it's change so much as it's pure luck.

 

Somedude didn't change.

 

If most us met a compatible partner tomorrow that reciprocated our feelings, I bet most of us would work it out without any prior changing necessary.

 

I think people on here are focused too much on over-analyzing and thinking that everything is under our control.

 

Eternal,

I have no idea how much % it was luck and how much % it was change SD implemented in his life. All I know is, after pretty much everyone here wrote him off as a lost cause, something happened and he found success in the form of finding a mate. Now we have no idea how his relationship is doing currently, but he hasn't started a thread here in FOREVER, which is shocking since he was the king of starting threads for 5 years. So, I'd assume he's in a pretty good spot where he doesn't need to come here to vent or ask for advice.

 

Not everything is under our control, but a lot more is than some of us give credit for. Yes, you can't make anyone love you, but you have complete control of how you live your life and pursue your goals. If you're enjoying yourself and don't mind being single in the meantime, more power to ya. I find being at peace with where you are is satisfying. No use kicking yourself.

[Blade96]

I still stand by what I said. There is nothing wrong with telling a guy you've been seeing for a few weeks that you think about them a lot and you really enjoy them and like them. I still don't think mishy did anything wrong here. He was immature.

 

That said, Yeah, 16 texts and a phone call is overstepping it.

 

I got stood up by guys after we had planned to hang out. I just told them off when I saw them again and then moved on. Haha.

 

 

You probably wouldn't be as interested in him if he were all over you

 

Ha-ha, this is wrong in my case! I will get more interested in a guy that was all over me! My Russian crush got my attention by NOT acting like my friends. He was all over me by making sure his skype was on and so I could see him, spending time with me helping me in Russian for hours nearly every night, not wanting to leave me until it was time to sleep, getting jealous when I would be with other friends, and so on. The way a guy would get noticed by me is to NOT act like just another one of my good friends. And he didn't. In fact he spent tonight wondering how to compliment me but he didn't really know how, except for saying me that I am beautiful. Well the flirts and the attention are all compliments but he didn't mean that. He's not reallygreat at compliments, but he tried by looking at my pics and saying I am beautiful.

 

Please don't find fault with her.

It's easy to say all this...

 

@Mishy - There is nothing wrong in liking a person and letting them know about it. It takes lot of courage and half the world doesn't have it.

 

My Russian guy is kind of shy and quiet and more introvert I think and but I eventually got it out of him. As I said, I told him I liked him first.

 

Even if he wasn't into you, Mishy, he should have had the maturity at 40 freakin 5 years old to tell you and not run like coward. And as I said, for the love of a Saint Bernard, do not get back with this guy if later he does contact you. He is emotionally immature and you shouldn't want anyone like that.

[curlygirl40]

Mishy I haven't logged into this website in so long but I have come out of hiding to post in your thread after reading the whole thing.

 

Where do I begin?

 

What's done is done. NO need to beat yourself up over it. But please learn from it for next time.

 

I am in my 40's and relatively new at the dating thing all over again. I have had to learn these things too.

 

Here is what I have learned.

 

Men (women do it too!) will oftentimes NOT tell you what they are thinking when they aren't interested in you any longer. So we need to pay very close attention to the signs.

 

I have said many times that a man would rather chew his arm out of a trap than to tell you 'sorry, I'm just not into you'.

 

So you're waiting for him to tell you to go away? Not going to happen. Yes, it's the right thing to do. Yes, at the age of 45 he should be emotionally mature enough to say 'I'm sorry Mishy but my feelings for you are not the same' or something of that sort. But it's NOT going to happen. Seriously, NOT going to happen.

 

Again, because most of the time men will not tell you once they have lost interest, you need to keep your eyes open for signs that he's no longer interested. It sucks but it's true.

 

You have said over and over that you didn't know he was not returning your texts until after you sent him 6. That's wrong. When he didn't return your 1 text, he's ignoring you. I have to say that I NEVER send a guy more than one text until I get a response. Never. Look at it like a tennis game. You hit the ball to him and then you wait for him to return it.

 

If he doesn't text you back, that's a sign. There is no reason at all that you would send him 6 without an answer. Send one then wait.

 

It's called mirroring. You do what he does. Mirror his actions. If he waits days to get in touch with you, then you don't be at his beck and call and answer immediately. If you send him a text or call him and he doesn't return it, then the ball is still in his court. You wait for a response.

 

Yes it sucks. Yes it would be easier if everyone (men and women) were honest about their intentions and their feelings. But instead we do the fade away because we convince ourselves it would be easier.

 

You have said things like 'I didn't know that he didn't want to talk to me because he didn't tell me'.

 

Yes he did. He did tell you. He didn't use his words, he used his actions. Listen to his actions. They told you everything you need to know.

 

When a guy fades away, it's tempting to call him on his behavior. But unfortunately when we do that, it just makes us look crazy.

 

This is what you do. Listen to his actions, pay attention to the signs. If he's loosing interest and pulling away LET HIM GO. Just let him go. Don't ask 'did I do something wrong?', don't text 'why haven't I heard from you?' and don't send any more texts. Just walk away.

 

You might feel like you deserve some answers but remember that you most likely won't get those answers. Even if he mans up and tells you what he's thinking, it probably won't be the whole truth.

 

So walk away and lick your wounds in private. Keep your dignity intact.

 

At the end of the day you might be confused by his behavior, but at least you'll have your dignity and you're not feeling embarrassed by your behavior when you realize that you've texted 16 times and left a voicemail.

 

If a man is interested, he will get in touch with you. If he doesn't, then he's not.

 

Call the time of death and move on.

 

Nothing you can do now with this one. But learn for the future so you don't make these same mistakes again.

 

Again, I'm not saying that you don't deserve to have some answers or that he acted maturely. But also you need to know that you had all of the signs that you needed to know that he was no longer interested. If he wants to walk away, let him.

 

Best of luck!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Is this is why you are probably doomed to failure after failure when it comes to men. Until you understand and I mean really understand this then it will 24,000 posts and still a futile search..It's not bad luck.

 

For the women that complain about lack of good men, I think this article is well written...

 

Where Have All The Good Women Gone? - The Spearhead

 

I disagree. Given that relationships involve another person, there is at least 50% that's outside of your control.

 

As for luck, I am talking about meeting someone. Being at the right place at the right time. In the last few years I haven't met anyone that went beyond 2 months because I wasn't that into them. Not because of my issues, which I admit I have. My issues only come out when there is deeper emotional involvement.

 

Mishy for example, has a completely different set of issues to myself. Just because we all have issues doesn't mean that they are the same.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I disagree.

 

It CAN be change. It depends what the problem is.

 

Of course, not everything is under our control, only our own actions.

 

Maybe OP is failing at dating because she's too emotional. Maybe she gets attached too easily. Maybe her guy picker is off. We only know what she posts here. We know nothing about her. It's entirely possible that if she changes some part of HER APPROACH TO THE SITUATION (not herself as a person), then she will be more successful.

 

I was just annoyed to get lumped into the same category as OP because my problems are completely different. I have never sent a guy more than 1 text/email/call without a reply.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't know what your problems are (I don't really follow the history of posters like some others do here), but if you've been struggling for a while, you may need to change your approach to things.

 

Obviously something is going wrong if you aren't getting what you want.

 

What's wrong in my case is that I spend all my free time doing solitary activities and don't have good social circle. I need to get out more and expose myself to more people/men. I just find it easier to spend evenings watching movies with my cat :/

[Teknoe]

What's wrong in my case is that I spend all my free time doing solitary activities and don't have good social circle. I need to get out more and expose myself to more people/men. I just find it easier to spend evenings watching movies with my cat :/

 

I know what you mean! I used to be more social, in my 20s. But this past year I just work, go home and crash. I find I'm more introverted these days than extroverted, which I used to be. I like putting my hours in work during the day, and have a "leave me be" attitude at night time. I like being by myself, wearing my PJs, not having to fix my hair and just entertain myself with the telly, computer or some games.

[mishy]

UPDATE

 

He sent me an email. It said that he has been in hospital and that he had sent me a text along the lines that he is interested in me, and didnt i receive it?

 

I have no idea how many of my texts he has got, or how long his phone has been disconnected.

 

I am never ever going through this ridiculousness again. never jumping the gun on anything, never assuming anything, and also if he or any other guy taht i am dating texts me one text, i only reply with one. And if he doesnt reply, then i dont send any more. Cant even tell you how much of a lesson this has been, this whole stupid episode

[lino]

Holy sh*t!

 

That's all I can say.

 

Talk about drowning in a cup of water!

[mishy]

I know

 

What a massive wake up call this has been. I feel even more embarrassed now

[mishy]

I disagree.

 

It CAN be change. It depends what the problem is.

 

Of course, not everything is under our control, only our own actions.

 

Maybe OP is failing at dating because she's too emotional. Maybe she gets attached too easily. Maybe her guy picker is off. We only know what she posts here. We know nothing about her. It's entirely possible that if she changes some part of HER APPROACH TO THE SITUATION (not herself as a person), then she will be more successful.

 

I agree, i am too emotional and i get too attached. This whole thing has taught me a lesson

[mishy]

Mishy I haven't logged into this website in so long but I have come out of hiding to post in your thread after reading the whole thing.

 

Where do I begin?

 

What's done is done. NO need to beat yourself up over it. But please learn from it for next time.

 

I am in my 40's and relatively new at the dating thing all over again. I have had to learn these things too.

 

Here is what I have learned.

 

Men (women do it too!) will oftentimes NOT tell you what they are thinking when they aren't interested in you any longer. So we need to pay very close attention to the signs.

 

I have said many times that a man would rather chew his arm out of a trap than to tell you 'sorry, I'm just not into you'.

 

So you're waiting for him to tell you to go away? Not going to happen. Yes, it's the right thing to do. Yes, at the age of 45 he should be emotionally mature enough to say 'I'm sorry Mishy but my feelings for you are not the same' or something of that sort. But it's NOT going to happen. Seriously, NOT going to happen.

 

Again, because most of the time men will not tell you once they have lost interest, you need to keep your eyes open for signs that he's no longer interested. It sucks but it's true.

 

You have said over and over that you didn't know he was not returning your texts until after you sent him 6. That's wrong. When he didn't return your 1 text, he's ignoring you. I have to say that I NEVER send a guy more than one text until I get a response. Never. Look at it like a tennis game. You hit the ball to him and then you wait for him to return it.

 

If he doesn't text you back, that's a sign. There is no reason at all that you would send him 6 without an answer. Send one then wait.

 

It's called mirroring. You do what he does. Mirror his actions. If he waits days to get in touch with you, then you don't be at his beck and call and answer immediately. If you send him a text or call him and he doesn't return it, then the ball is still in his court. You wait for a response.

 

Yes it sucks. Yes it would be easier if everyone (men and women) were honest about their intentions and their feelings. But instead we do the fade away because we convince ourselves it would be easier.

 

You have said things like 'I didn't know that he didn't want to talk to me because he didn't tell me'.

 

Yes he did. He did tell you. He didn't use his words, he used his actions. Listen to his actions. They told you everything you need to know.

 

When a guy fades away, it's tempting to call him on his behavior. But unfortunately when we do that, it just makes us look crazy.

 

This is what you do. Listen to his actions, pay attention to the signs. If he's loosing interest and pulling away LET HIM GO. Just let him go. Don't ask 'did I do something wrong?', don't text 'why haven't I heard from you?' and don't send any more texts. Just walk away.

 

You might feel like you deserve some answers but remember that you most likely won't get those answers. Even if he mans up and tells you what he's thinking, it probably won't be the whole truth.

 

So walk away and lick your wounds in private. Keep your dignity intact.

 

At the end of the day you might be confused by his behavior, but at least you'll have your dignity and you're not feeling embarrassed by your behavior when you realize that you've texted 16 times and left a voicemail.

 

If a man is interested, he will get in touch with you. If he doesn't, then he's not.

 

Call the time of death and move on.

 

Nothing you can do now with this one. But learn for the future so you don't make these same mistakes again.

 

Again, I'm not saying that you don't deserve to have some answers or that he acted maturely. But also you need to know that you had all of the signs that you needed to know that he was no longer interested. If he wants to walk away, let him.

 

Best of luck!!

 

 

thankyou, you have nailed it all exactly. I am going to do all of this in future. be a mirror, dont exert any effort above the guys level of effort.

 

Intellectually, i know all this, i just have to remember to do it. I advise it to other people, liek when i tell people how to handle men, i am listening to teh words coming out of my mouth, and i am thinking why the** dont i do that?

[mishy]

UPDATE

 

He texted me this morning to tell me what happened and why he was in hospital. We texted back and forth for a bit and then he dropped off, so i havent texted again, just left it.

 

He has obviously read all the text messages because he referred to something i said in one of them, but he hasnt said anything at ALL about them...

 

Oh i am so ashamed....

 

So i am just going to do nothing and see if i hear from him again...

[mishy]

Well Mishy, if they're the right guy, you can do everything wrong with them and they'll still be into you.

 

But this is a valuable lesson. Houdini or not, the best response to a disappearing guy, is no response.

 

I have been thinking a lot about what you were saying about "mirroring" the other day, so thankyou very much for that. Mirroring is my policy from now on.

 

He initiated the contact today, and a couple of days ago when he emailed me, so i have been very careful just to sit back and let him initiate. While we werre texting today I sent the last text and he didnt reply so i have just left it.

 

He might have been just telling me what happened, maybe that was all, and i wont hear from him again, i dont know, but im not doing anything. I still feel like an idiot

[mishy]

Thats ok, you're welcome. Just let him do the heavy lifting - the texting, the emailing, the asking out. Your only job, is to enthusiastically accept.

 

And if he buggers off, the mirroring policy ain't broke, so don't be afraid to apply it again to the next guy. And if he pulls away, let him go. ;-)

 

 

He asked me out! Well it's just a casual meet up this afternoon. He is still not completely well , but suggested we go for a drink this afternoon.

 

Cannot believe I didn't completely stuff it up with all my stupid texting.

 

I am trying to mirror

[mishy]

Hey Mishy..I hope you're doing well today. I'm glad he finally got in touch with you. I have to recommend NOT bringing up the multiple texts unless he does. If that happens, which it probably won't, I would just say that it wasn't like him to just disappear and that you were worried something was wrong.

 

Good luck and keep us all posted!

 

I am definitely not mentioning the texting, I am still really embarrassed about it. Most likely he will make fun of me I think, make a joke out of it, he is quite funny.

[mishy]

Don't be too available! Go out for a drink, but only make it an hour or so. Tell him you have dinner plans tonight. :-)

 

Am I being too available

[mishy]

So after all the worry over the text messages, we met up yesterday for a drink and it turned into a DVD night and takeout . We didn't sleep together and then the next day as we are both self employed we took care of some business for a few hours then decided to take the rest of the day off and went for a bit of a drive and went out for lunch and came home, and I left about 4pm.

 

Some stuff did happen physically but not til this morning, and not much. It's ok, I like that its more about getting to know each other. But he is suggesting already that we move in together which is weird but i think he means as friends, and talking of going overseas together after christmas and all this stuff.

 

I thought about him all the way home, and I know I am not supposed to text him yet.

 

How long should I wait to text or call, or should I wait for him? I really want him to be thinking about me, and don't want to crowd him.

 

He actually said I could even stay another night, but I was exhausted and I have work to do so I didn't.

[Leigh 87]

Disappearing guy?

 

Um... Just be careful that he came back to begin with, Mishy..

 

My disappearing guy came back three days ago out of the blue. Except I knew he wasn't genuine.

He just disappeared again after 2 days contact and once date. Even though her said he wanted to stay with me for good this time and be my b4 again:lmao:

 

Luckily I had a new guy I liked better:o:love:

 

Lets just say he IS genuine with you and he DID really ... go to hospital was it? What was his reasoning for disappearing?

My ex said he " had a nervous break down and exploded... he never meant to hurt me.. he was in hospital"

 

 

So, if this guy is for real, and he legit had reasons for just ignoring your texts for so long...

 

 

 

Mention of moving in with you after one date? Not normal to mention.

Mentioning holidays overseas on first dates? Not all that normal. For people with dating experience and who are well balanced individuals.

 

Normal of a guy who truly likes you? I think my guy really likes me, as he invited me to his 30th with only his closest friends and parents/family. He wanted me to be his 30th present:love:

 

I think mentioning of moving in and overseas travel on date one is a little.... silly.

 

My good friend and her bf were CRAZY for each other from day one! Yet hey did not have any.. overseas travel talk or moving in together talk until.. at least a few dates! And they moved FAST!

 

Be careful.

 

Something doesn't add up with this guy.

 

Guys who truly care for you, in the head over heals falling for you type of way, they do not just vanish to begin with. This guy did.

 

And now he is acting strange, too.

 

Just proceed with caution. There is no reason to avoid him as yet, as he has not proved himself to be disingenuous as of yet....

 

HOWEVER; there are a few very red flags that point towards things not working out, since his actions are not of that of a entirely healthy adult who is falling hard for a woman.

 

Don't expect much from him, but enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Don't push it forward just because you feel it for him; when his actions show he is not feeling mutual about your "feelings".

[mishy]

Disappearing guy?

 

Um... Just be careful that he came back to begin with, Mishy..

 

My disappearing guy came back three days ago out of the blue. Except I knew he wasn't genuine.

He just disappeared again after 2 days contact and once date. Even though her said he wanted to stay with me for good this time and be my b4 again:lmao:

 

Luckily I had a new guy I liked better:o:love:

 

Lets just say he IS genuine with you and he DID really ... go to hospital was it? What was his reasoning for disappearing?

My ex said he " had a nervous break down and exploded... he never meant to hurt me.. he was in hospital"

 

 

So, if this guy is for real, and he legit had reasons for just ignoring your texts for so long...

 

 

 

Mention of moving in with you after one date? Not normal to mention.

Mentioning holidays overseas on first dates? Not all that normal. For people with dating experience and who are well balanced individuals.

 

Normal of a guy who truly likes you? I think my guy really likes me, as he invited me to his 30th with only his closest friends and parents/family. He wanted me to be his 30th present:love:

 

I think mentioning of moving in and overseas travel on date one is a little.... silly.

 

My good friend and her bf were CRAZY for each other from day one! Yet hey did not have any.. overseas travel talk or moving in together talk until.. at least a few dates! And they moved FAST!

 

Be careful.

 

Something doesn't add up with this guy.

 

Guys who truly care for you, in the head over heals falling for you type of way, they do not just vanish to begin with. This guy did.

 

And now he is acting strange, too.

 

Just proceed with caution. There is no reason to avoid him as yet, as he has not proved himself to be disingenuous as of yet....

 

HOWEVER; there are a few very red flags that point towards things not working out, since his actions are not of that of a entirely healthy adult who is falling hard for a woman.

 

Don't expect much from him, but enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Don't push it forward just because you feel it for him; when his actions show he is not feeling mutual about your "feelings".

 

Oh no, we have been out a few times before this. The hospital thing is true, I saw his arm band and the discharge documents snd other evidence. He disappeared because he was in hospital and meanwhile his phone was disconnected for a week due to some network mistake, you know what idiots phone companies are here...

 

I am not going to do anything, or push things forward as I really want to see what he does.

 

What do you think doesn't add up?

[mishy]

Really it's probably better I don't think too much about this, I don't want to make it bigger than what it is. So I'm going to just not think about it or write any more on this thread...

 

Thanks Leigh anyway, your guy sounds great, I'll be back here later

[Leigh 87]

Really it's probably better I don't think too much about this, I don't want to make it bigger than what it is. So I'm going to just not think about it or write any more on this thread...

 

Thanks Leigh anyway, your guy sounds great, I'll be back here later

 

 

Good girl. That is good, don't write about it anymore unless he displays some clear red flags that you just need confirmation about..

 

Umm, I actually wouldn't be that shocked if my ex was LYING about his stay in hospital? I honestly dunno WTF is true with him to be honest.

 

Some people are sick:sick:

 

It appears your guy didn't lie about hospital... Thank god for that!

 

Well, your guy scarily used a similar excuse to my ex; my ex also stated that, he was in hospital and he didn't want to put that on a girl he just met.

 

Still, I think if he truly cared for me he would have wanted me by his side.

 

OR, do some men genuinely NOT want to drag new girls down with them, in such an event that they are in hospital?

 

 

 

I think you just need to try to forget about this guy, and busy yourself with a new hobby or meet up groups. ANYTHING! Anything to get you NOT thinking about this guy much, since you really don't know him that well as it stands...

 

 

Look for red flags. Enjoy him when he is nice to you. Don't tolerate more than a day of silence.. Everyone has a phone. Although there are SOME old school guys with no facebook and who don't text girlfriends. ASK HIM, if this is the case for him..

 

Good luck with him, did he clarify with you WHY he ignored you " I miss you" texts?

 

Was his phone just confiscated? In hospital?

 

 

 

That was my exes excuse.. he was in hospital...he wanted to come back, then he disappeared days later.

 

Just be careful:lmao:

[d0nnivain]

Let him come to you.