I am such an idiot, so embarrassed

[Leigh 87]

Leigh,

I actually would love a girl who texts a lot. What kind of texts did you send? If it were "what r u doing now, what r u doing now" then yes I might be annoyed. but if they're thoughtful quirky texts (which I myself do a lot of), then that'd be super awesome with me! for example, when i crush on someone, and i see or hear something that i make a connection with that crush, i'll send it to them. i.e. i'll hear her song on the radio just come up and i'll text 3 seconds into the song "hey turn to 104.5" or whatever... sweet stuff like that.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/252255-have-i-damaged-friendship-beyond-repair

 

Oh he loved texting heaps... I could send him loads of unanswered texts when he was busy and he wouldn't care.

 

 

It was only when he had one foot out the door in the end, that I effed up by texting him wayyyy too much.... see, he was supposed to call me to sort it out or break up with me. He promised he wouldn't just go silent. When he didn't call next day, I over texted. ... I was falling in love and I was desperately trying to get through

[mishy]

I did the same to my recent ex...... I fell really hard for a guy online. He appeared to also fall head over heels for me from day one. Telling me he deleted his profile on date one. Tell I me he told his dad about meeting me since he thought it could go somewhere. He said he hadn't ever felt the instant spark with his exes... that he thought he could have something special with me based on the feelings he had for me. He said he was falling in love.

He said he'd wait as long as I needer for sex. He actually denied me after date 3 when I tried as he wanted to show me he wanted to stick around.

 

I actually effed things up in the end.

 

I over texted him and he chose to break up by disappearing although he alluded to the break up via text.

The fact is, over texting a guy you don't know very well can scare off guys who WERE genuinely into you. Can you imagine how much it would put off a guy who WAS NEVER into you?

Two guys have disappeared on me since Andrew broke up with me, Mishy. They were into me at first until I did a few things off.

 

Rather than call me to break it off, they disappeared. It was always after I over texted insanely.

 

Perhaps they were taken aback by something I did ( both guys actually were) and would have given me one last shot at getting to know me ( had I not text bombed them)

 

The thing about disappearing is; we will never know what they

 

It feels awful. However, their message is crystal clear. Albeit, it takes a few days for it to sink in, since disappearing leaves a lot of uncertainty as to whether or not they HAVE disappeared. ........

 

 

yes its a horrible feeling as it sinks in that he isnt going to reply..

 

i think with teh text bombing, i think if you haven't known them that long, it is just worse. I think a girl generally has a better chance of getting away with text bombing if they have known the guy say 6 months rather than 6 weeks, as an example..

 

The thing about disappearing, is these guys dont realise that it makes the whole thing longer and more drawn out. Calling me a sucker and then practically falling down teh rabbit hole with no warning.... i mean wtf?? It took me about 24 hrs to realise he was ignoring me, and thats after about 6 texts or something.. I mean he can think im crazy, but his behaviour is crazy too.

 

I also think that theres this whole thing these days where if a woman wants answers she is automatically labelled a psycho. Its not fair. If a guy is the same, well he is just a guy who wants answers.

 

I feel terrible about what he thinks of me. I know i shouldnt care, but the thought that he is telling people or thinking i am nuts, oh god it just makes me cringe.

[mishy]

I don't think anyone is blaming you but telling you that at some point you needed to step back and stop. You should have stopped after the first 4 text messages. It would be highly impossible if he didn't get all 4 text messages, don't you think? Highly impossible again that he didn't get the additional 4 that you sent the next day, yes? And when he was choosing to ignore, wasn't that a response?

 

You kept on texting because you were anxious and you lost control. You had to have him acknowledge you. You had to fix it because you wanted things to be back to normal. The silent treatment will do that to you.

 

The next time someone ignores you after text 2, 3 and 4. Stop. Don't make excuses. Don't force a response. Don't provoke a reaction. Just let it go. The more you chase, the more damage you will cause, not to anyone but yourself.

 

Because he disappeared after texting me a "haha sucker" and well there wasnt any warning, it was a day or so before i even realised he was ignoring me

[mishy]

I was highly embarrassed about my 16 unanswered texts, too.

 

I'll never do it again. That ship has sailed for me. I rarely make the same mistake again in dating. Instead, I made NEW ones:lmao:

 

 

It was awful in my case.... I truly though me and that guy had some crazy. ...love story going on. It was such an instant omg factor with him. Very intense sparks and 10 out of ten chemistry.

 

It was VERY hard to retrain myself from flogging him with texts.

 

I DID hear a voice telling me NOT to text. To lay low for a couple of days and shoot a simple " I'm sorry about what I did, can we please talk about it. I won't fight you if you decide you want to end things"

 

But nooooo. I just had to text. And text and text.

 

I know u probably heard yourself think " stop texting. Don't text him. Wait a while and see if he texts you again then send him a simple text a few days later"

 

Next time, LISTEN to your inner voice that tells you to not text cos guys think we are "crazy" when we do that crap.

 

I hope you are better equipped to handle the next guy.

 

please keep in mind

If a guy is really into you, he will text or facebook you every day or two when he is away.

He will tell YOU he missed you. Before you tell him this.

He would think it was cute if you told him what you declared to this guy

 

This guy has shown every sign that he just isn't into you. He has shown no signs that he WAS into you.

 

 

I truly wish you the best of luck. PM me if you ever need support. We live nearby so I'm happy to talk to you have a week moment in the future with another guy and u need someone to tell you to not text them!

 

basically i feel like its better to never show any interest lol

 

thats kind of you Leigh, yes I'll PM you if i am in a panic

[mishy]

I think it's easy for people to proffer objective advice without factoring in the key role of emotions. Yeah, it's always best to follow the text-book prescriptions; wait until he says I love you first, don't text him when he goes silent even though you're super confused and frustrated etc. It's really easy to dish out all these text book doctrines but reality is emotions are what make us human. Over the years I've learnt to be less reactionary and I've learnt how to resist that drug-like addiction urge to call someone who's ignoring me. BUT, I know that Ive managed to achieve all this because of the help of my sister who literally confiscates my phone or talks sense into me. My point is; it is so difficult to refrain from doing what feels like the most natural thing to do; reach out to the person ignoring in order to get an explanation. Do not let anybody make you feel 'crazy' for doing so.

You are 100 per cent human and your reaction was normal and expected.

 

 

Now, back to the crux of the issue; for starters, this guy is horrid. Plain and simple. I have received similar comments from guys I wasn't even dating and had no romantic inclinations towards and I was sensitive enough to say something polite in response; I didn't reciprocate their affection, but I acknowledged their kind words. This is basic decency and humanity and this 45 year old ''man'' truly is awful and immature. You met the wrong person.

 

re: your reaction. 16 text messages, in hindsight you'd have sent zero messages. There's really no need for me to berate you about the error you're still so embarrassed about. The experience has taught you all you need to know about self restraint (even though it is the most difficult thing, well one of the most difficult things). Now is the time to stop beating yourself over it. Believe you me, if he wants to re-establish contact with you, regardless of the 16 text messages, he will do so. But I really don't think you should entertain such should he reach out to you.

 

 

Please stop being so hard on yourself. It's such a big deal to you because you fancy him- really he's just one of the billions of people in the world and he is only as important as you make him out to be. He is a jerk, your reaction was natural, you showed vulnerability, so what? hugs.

 

its really hard to know the right thing to do when you are in the moment... if only i could have a replay and do it differently.

 

My overriding feelings now are two emotions- complete humiliation that he probably thinks i am nuts, and sadness from losing a guy that i actually really liked

 

Even though my texts were pretty rational eg, "last i heard you called me a sucker and disappeared, i dont know whats going on" i still feel totally cringey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLUS deep down i am hoping he will contact again , i need someone to tell me its NOT going to happen, because i am having trouble accepting

 

 

 

 

 

[Blade96]

"I also think that theres this whole thing these days where if a woman wants answers she is automatically labelled a psycho"

 

Heh, yeah Mishy, I got told here on LS that i sounded as a psycho because I wanted some answers from my Russian man. After almost a month of knowing each other, yeah flirting is fun, he flirted with me almost a month but I get tired of it flirting games after a while and I like for guys to tell me. Luckily, he did when I told him I liked him well both of us being mature adults, me 35 and he 15 years older, it was easier to tell a mature person you like them.

 

The diffrerence in this 45 year old of yours is soooo obvious, its like trying to picture snow and sun together. Can't do it. They just do not go together. One is a boy trapped in a man's body (there's a movie about that but the name has slipped my mind for the moment) and you deserve much better, Mishy. I think you will find it, too. As I said, I think you're cute.

 

He's a BOY, Mishy. And even if he does contact you again, which I doubt it, PLEASE for the love of a Saint, don't go back with him, unless he has a really good explanation for his actions. And it better be "English is my second language and I can't express myself in it", because I can't think of any reason for this except that he's a boy.

Edited November 26, 2013 by Blade96

[winny]

I don't think you said anything wrong.

What you said was the truth.....

[mishy]

"I also think that theres this whole thing these days where if a woman wants answers she is automatically labelled a psycho"

 

Heh, yeah Mishy, I got told here on LS that i sounded as a psycho because I wanted some answers from my Russian man. After almost a month of knowing each other, yeah flirting is fun, he flirted with me almost a month but I get tired of it flirting games after a while and I like for guys to tell me. Luckily, he did when I told him I liked him well both of us being mature adults, me 35 and he 15 years older, it was easier to tell a mature person you like them.

 

The diffrerence in this 45 year old of yours is soooo obvious, its like trying to picture snow and sun together. Can't do it. They just do not go together. One is a boy trapped in a man's body (there's a movie about that but the name has slipped my mind for the moment) and you deserve much better, Mishy. I think you will find it, too. As I said, I think you're cute.

 

He's a BOY, Mishy. And even if he does contact you again, which I doubt it, PLEASE for the love of a Saint, don't go back with him, unless he has a really good explanation for his actions. And it better be "English is my second language and I can't express myself in it", because I can't think of any reason for this except that he's a boy.

 

 

All i wanted was one reply, not "haha sucker lol" and then vanish into thin air.

 

Just so immature, i feel angry that his bad behaviour led to ME to looking like the crazy one

[BeholdtheMan]

Yeah it was pretty black and white, probably a bit intense.

 

YEAH the silence,well it's not the first time he has vanished, but still I don't know if he is deliberately blanking me and trying to shake me off by not responding. I even said to him, you know honestly I'd rather hear something bad instead of silence but he still didn't reply... So I give up

 

Two possibilities here...

 

either A) he's not interested or

 

B) he's been providing you with a challenge and your interest in him has increased as a result

 

You probably wouldn't be as interested in him if he were all over you gushing about how much he's been thinking of you. If he is interested in you, he's actually doing everything right. He's keeping you hooked. Just let things play out. He probably knows what he's doing

[mishy]

Two possibilities here...

 

either A) he's not interested or

 

B) he's been providing you with a challenge and your interest in him has increased as a result

 

You probably wouldn't be as interested in him if he were all over you gushing about how much he's been thinking of you. If he is interested in you, he's actually doing everything right. He's keeping you hooked. Just let things play out. He probably knows what he's doing

 

This is what I can't get my head around. If he wasn't interested , why on earth wouldn't he have sent one single text saying "not interested" or "go away" or something, anything.? Instead all it has been was the initial conversation I mentioned in my first post here, with his last text being "ha ha sucker" and then he disappears.

 

Not a single word since, even when I texted him that it's ok if he wants to say something bad/reject me as that's better than silence. Still nothing. Why didn't he take THAT opportunity to tell me to go away not interested.

 

I see what you are saying about keeping me hooked, but I just feel like his total silence, is rejection, not that he is actually interested and trying to keep me hooked.

 

It's an interesting theory though, but really would that be what he is doing? Just playing a big game? The last I heard from him was Thursday afternoon, it's now Tuesday night.

 

When you say let it play out, how long?

Edited November 26, 2013 by mishy

[Eternal Sunshine]

No mishy, he is not playing hard to get, he is not playing a game. He is genuinely not interested. He is also conflict avoidant and it's just easier for him to do nothing and hope you will get the hint.

 

Most people are egocentric and do what's easiest for *them* at any given moment.

[Brown-Eyez]

Mishy, I hope you're doing ok

 

I know you feel really really awful

cuz i've been dealing with a similar type of texting problem

 

i've learned to finally finally LET GO!! yay!

 

what you need to do is BREAK UP WITH HIM.

see, you keep thinking that there is still a possibility

so break up with him in your mind

tell yourself that you two are OVER

 

and then block/delete all possible contact with him

 

cuz you for sure have got to heal from this!

he is like quicksand to you

the more you struggle the deeper you drown

GET OUT NOW!!

 

all of us here are throwing you a rope of love

to pull you through this

TAKE IT!

[winny]

Mishy I have just read some of your threads about trying to be with a guy for what 5 years and eventually pulling free. Oh dear lord is all I can say. Unless you work on yourself and I mean REALLY work on yourself this is all your love life will be. It's not bad luck you keep making bad choices. To break the cycle you need to understand your behaviours and really know who you are as a person.

 

Because you are a very emotionally immature women who clearly lacks self esteem, the above post to you is blah blah blah, get defensive towards me, then in one ear out the other. A classic response from an emotionally immature person.

 

You need to get to a place where if you see a red flag you move on with confidence knowing its his loss. You need to get to a place that if he contacts you again you reply "get lost jerkweed". Instead your behaviour was/is pathetic. No healthy woman would pine or wonder about this douchebag. Instead we have you thinking "oh please like me!".

 

Please don't find fault with her.

It's easy to say all this...

 

@Mishy - There is nothing wrong in liking a person and letting them know about it. It takes lot of courage and half the world doesn't have it.

I don't think he likes you. Else his reply would have been - Hey I thought about you too... or something like that.

 

Do not talk to him anymore. If he contacts you, ignore. Yes, it will be hard but kill all hopes inside you that this guy would ever like you.

We cannot make anyone like/love us. Either they do or they don't.

It's not your fault if he doesn't like you. It's a blessing in disguise and a sign for you to stop looking in wrong place.

 

Next time also, never fear to say what you feel about things. There is no right or wrong time to speak about your feelings. But be strong enough to accept rejection and move on.

 

All of us have issues in various areas of life. No one is perfect.

Learn from past mistakes. It's okay to make a fool of yourself at times and not be the most intelligent person in the world of dating. The thousands of articles on internet are proof that there are too many people like you

There is a world outside of dating also. That also defines you as a person.

 

So move on now from this person. Take this time to think and reflect how would you deal with similar situations in future.

 

Good luck!

Edited November 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mortensorchid]

We've all been there. Don't sweat it, just walk away from the phone for a while and get busy doing other things. If you never hear from him again, ah well. You'll be ok. I'm going through it myself right now.

[mishy]

Thanks for all the insight into my emotional immaturity. I probably am when it comes to men, i dont seem to be in other areas of life. I am pretty much going to take a HUGE break from men for a while.

 

 

The other thing is regarding the texting. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that there might be something wrong with his phone. Its a business phone, he runs a business. He has the same phone for personal and business.

 

Anyway so i gave it a call today just to see if the thing is actually ON, and its been disconnected. I shudder to think its been disconnected because of me, i mean it is a business phone after all, and i mean it wasnt like i was abusive or anything. I have no idea how long its been disconnected, obviously some time between last Thursday when he last texted me and now. This is the first time i have called it since then.

 

Good lord, do you think its been disconnected because of me???

 

 

 

[Leigh 87]

Thanks for all the insight into my emotional immaturity. I probably am when it comes to men, i dont seem to be in other areas of life. I am pretty much going to take a HUGE break from men for a while.

 

 

The other thing is regarding the texting. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that there might be something wrong with his phone. Its a business phone, he runs a business. He has the same phone for personal and business.

 

Anyway so i gave it a call today just to see if the thing is actually ON, and its been disconnected. I shudder to think its been disconnected because of me, i mean it is a business phone after all, and i mean it wasnt like i was abusive or anything. I have no idea how long its been disconnected, obviously some time between last Thursday when he last texted me and now. This is the first time i have called it since then.

 

Good lord, do you think its been disconnected because of me???

 

 

 

 

 

There's a chance he blocked your number. Or changed it due to your excessive texts

 

Don't sweat it. Most of us have spooked a guy before.

[winny]

Oh please............Just read her past threads. My post is spot on. She simply does not grow and learn and I'm starting believe she ever will. Just read her threads...Its the same cycle repeated over and over. Ok the guys and circumstances are different (which eternal couldn't grasp in her reply surprise surprise) but her behaviours and terrible choices remain the same.

 

Is my post harsh, YES!!! but the truth is never easy to hear. She will be here in 5 years posting about another douche unless she becomes self aware and emotionally mature. This is a journey of self discovery and only she knows why she is not taking it. Fear?Ignorance?Denial?. She see's only what she wants to see. Therefore hope gets built up but it is always false.

 

It's time for her to think about the box. She has had enough virtual cuddles over the years. Its time to make real change because otherwise this will keep happening. With eternal, Leigh, mishy and so many others don't comprehend these bad choices in the past are not concidence or bad luck. They attract and are attracted to men with the same emotional maturity as themselves and when things inevitable go wrong the guy is automatically a douche.

 

At what point do they begin to turn this inwards and say "enough! I am the problem and I am going to fix it"...Nope easy to blame the guy,(s) call me names and keep their heads in the sand...

 

I don't have time to read all her posts... but since you have I guess you have a point here

[winny]

Thanks for all the insight into my emotional immaturity. I probably am when it comes to men, i dont seem to be in other areas of life. I am pretty much going to take a HUGE break from men for a while.

 

 

The other thing is regarding the texting. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that there might be something wrong with his phone. Its a business phone, he runs a business. He has the same phone for personal and business.

 

Anyway so i gave it a call today just to see if the thing is actually ON, and its been disconnected. I shudder to think its been disconnected because of me, i mean it is a business phone after all, and i mean it wasnt like i was abusive or anything. I have no idea how long its been disconnected, obviously some time between last Thursday when he last texted me and now. This is the first time i have called it since then.

 

Good lord, do you think its been disconnected because of me???

 

 

 

 

Yes please take a break... but use it to reflect upon what changes you would make to your dating pattern next time.

[mishy]

There's a chance he blocked your number. Or changed it due to your excessive texts

 

Don't sweat it. Most of us have spooked a guy before.

 

i actually rang from my landline which is a silent number so no i dont think its blocked.

 

Thing is i would have thought if he would go to the extreme hassle of changing his business number because of me, surely he would have texted me telling me not to text him before he would go to such lengths? i got none of that, no text telling me anything

[Adelaide86]

You called his phone? After sending 16 texts with no response? It's no wonder he didn't respond, you are like the epitome of a "crazy clinger" girl.

 

I'm a little disgusted that so many people in this thread have sugarcoated it by saying "you did nothing wrong etc.". If you don't stop behaving like this you are going to scare off every guy who comes along. I totally sympathize with the guy in this situation, you sent red flags and he simply stopped talking to you and then you went full blown crazy; he certainly dodged a bullet.

[mishy]

You called his phone? After sending 16 texts with no response? It's no wonder he didn't respond, you are like the epitome of a "crazy clinger" girl.

 

I'm a little disgusted that so many people in this thread have sugarcoated it by saying "you did nothing wrong etc.". If you don't stop behaving like this you are going to scare off every guy who comes along. I totally sympathize with the guy in this situation, you sent red flags and he simply stopped talking to you and then you went full blown crazy; he certainly dodged a bullet.

 

I only called it because i thought him vanishing so suddenly was unusual and i had suspected for a few days there was some phone issue. His phone is disconnected, it could have been disconnected for the past week for all i know, and he might not have received any texts at all. Its a business number and a really busy business number so i dont think he woudl have disconnected it just because of me. He is a multi txter himself, he will often send 4 separate texts a minute apart just to say one thing.

[Meadowgreen]

Honestly, he sounds like an immature douchebag. If he was into you, he would be over the moon that you texted him, even if it was a little excessive - and he'd totally return the favour. Drop him like it's hot and move on.

 

On another note, I do feel there's some self-esteem issues going on here. A girl who's confident in herself doesn't text a dude 16 times and ring him too. It just seems super clingy. Take the advice given to you and step off in future, even if you're super excited.

Edited November 27, 2013 by Meadowgreen

[Teknoe]

Mishy, it sounds like you have a history and it's something you need to work out/figure out. Have you tried seeing a therapist? Just a suggestion.

 

I do believe people CAN change, but it comes with a brutally honest self-assessment and then an action plan.

 

I've seen posters here in ruts and destructive patterns, and then they finally get a "taste of success." I think the most infamous example being somedude81. For like 5 years he was displaying the same pattern and posters were ragging on him, but he eventually found a compatible match and I don't know where he is today with his GF, but he doesn't post as much anymore and it would seem he's found some happiness.

 

Good luck.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think that it's change so much as it's pure luck.

 

Somedude didn't change.

 

If most us met a compatible partner tomorrow that reciprocated our feelings, I bet most of us would work it out without any prior changing necessary.

 

I think people on here are focused too much on over-analyzing and thinking that everything is under our control.

[mishy]

I just think him and the other guy were very similar. I haven't had this experience with any other men, or anyone basically. It seems to be a type of guy the emotionally stunted ones