NC Works, but how do you get success out of it????

December 28, 2004

Guys i have this gal for three years, this year things changed a lot. I only managed to see her for not more than 4 times and each time i had to force it to happen.

Well, towards the beginning of November this year, we had a fight of which she hang up on me and was not willing to talk to me. I made it clear then that I still loved her and would wish to work things out.

I then decided to bring in NC. I never talked to her for 3-4 weeks. She called me on the 5th week and also on the 7th week.

Yesterday she called me at 12am in the morning. She was like she was going through some of the cards i sent to her before and she just felt like calling me. I did not say much to her, all I said was thank you, but I need to go; as I was watching a movie. She snapped at me like, can't it wait, I need to talk to you!. But I never allowed it.

In the last year of our relationship, we could only do things when she said so, I could only talk to her when she wanted to , that is to say, kind of controlled the relationship.

Now I have been told not to put a lot of emphasies on what a woman says, but on what she does.

I posted ealier here and people adviced me to leave her a lone and move on. I have worked so hard to do this.

I still love her though but I am confuced on what to make of her actions at this time.

I would be glad to talk to her to tell her how she treated me, but at the same time, I feel I should still be away from her so she can miss me and realize her mistakes. I also don't want to prolong this as she might read my actions in the wrong way and move on.

Any advice, will be appreciated.

Tha nks

December 28, 2004

this whole no contact thing is baffling me at the moment.

i have started no contact with my ex 2 days ago, after nearly two weeks of trying to get him to work things out.

he says he loves me, that there will never be anyone else for him, he just doesnt want a relationship, says hes not cut out for it.

anyway, hes also very stubborn, and i think that no contact will just make him think that i have moved on, and that he shouldnt bother me anymore........and im pretty convinced that even if he did decide that he cant live without me, which is what im hoping for, that he wont bother making any contact.

do you think it really works? im not convinced.

dont know the story about your ex, havent found that post, but i am wondering now if she is maybe thinking "sod it, if he aint bothered then why should i be".......its a fine line isnt it?

December 28, 2004

No I don't think no contact works. If by chance the person does eventually come back to you they are only coming back because they have been duped into thinking they have lost and many people hate to lose. In my opinion, they're not coming back to you because they love you or because they realized you truly are the one they want to be with, they're coming back to you for self-serving purposes and I would never want to have someone by my side under those circumstances. If someone doesn't value what I have to offer when I expose myself and everything I am then I don't want them.

Maybe no contact works for some people - but I couldn't see love in the eyes of someone that didn't want me when I was prepared to give everything.

December 28, 2004

I do think that space and time sometimes do play a role in making us realize a lot of things and to gauge whether things such as relationships are good for us. It is a good sign when our exes do realize that and we only hope that they do it in good faith and not because they are loosing.

Let us assume that after NC, they have realized you are the one, and the calls start coming from her as in my case now. I have been so good at NC, what is the next step for me??. How do I handle the next stage so I don't loose the reasons of my NC. For sure I am stil hurt from the way she treated me. How do I explain to her my feelings without emotions that might reveal some of my weeknesses.

AND by the way we all talk of the pros of NC, could someone list the cons of NC and how to manage them?

Thanks for your responces.

December 28, 2004

i have no idea of this one....but would also be interested.

havent reached the stage where he has made any contact.....if it ever comes, at all.

December 28, 2004

CUGO999:

You are doing great man. This is textbook example. Now, what you need to do is slowly start responding to her and giving her positive feedback. Maybe snailmail a card to her but just sign your name and write nothing else.

Then few wks later you can call her but keep it to 5 min or 10 min at max length. Make her sweat.

THen after a bit longer you talk with her and lay the terms on the table but don't be a baby and whine and tell her bout the way she wronged you and all that shyt. Be a man and don't show any positive OR negative emotions towards her. Tell her how you envision the relationship IF you decide to take her back.

then stick with it. you be the boss and make the decisons and then tell her if she does not like it then she can buzz off and find some other dude.

December 28, 2004

Thanks alphamale,

Yeah , i find it kind of tricky on how to handle the situation at this time. But I get it from your advice.

I feel like the power base has shifted and I am getting ready to start using it .

I am the MAN, and I'll remain the MAN. Like you said, if she can't handle it, she can buzz. Oh men, it feels so great!!

January 6, 2005

I called my ex, that is a week ago. I thought well, let me try to see if we could have coffee or s'thing. She was at work. The talk to was good , laughing and all that. So I tried to chip in the line ".... so could we grab some coffee this saturday?", ans she was like, I'll be working, infact I'll be working every other day.

Well, I changed the subject nicely and we continued talking for about two minutes, i waited until she was into the talking. I excused myself out of it and told her if she figures out a day and time for the coffe she can let me know and i ended the conversation even though it was so hard.

She called on new years and three days later she has called like 4 times of which she has not left a message. I can see her cell phone number on my caller id. I feel like I should not call until until she leaves a message.

Why should she do this?. call and not leave a message.

What should I do from here. I have already asked her out for coffe and she has not said anything. Just calling with no message. Should I pick her phone the next time she calls.

Thanks for any advice.

January 6, 2005

Originally posted by cugo999
Why should she do this?. call and not leave a message.
What should I do from here. I have already asked her out for coffe and she has not said anything. Just calling with no message. Should I pick her phone the next time she calls.

Thanks for any advice.

tell me exactly what days and times she called and left no messages. then i will tell u exactly what to do

January 6, 2005

She called on Monday this week at 10 pm - no message

She called on Tuesday twice at 11.05 pm and at 12.15 am on wenesday

She called on wesday at at 8.05 a.m

... all no message.

January 6, 2005

Originally posted by cugo999
She called on Monday this week at 10 pm - no message
She called on Tuesday twice at 11.05 pm and at 12.15 am on wenesday
She called on wesday at at 8.05 a.m

... all no message.

well, if she left no message there was no emergency and could have not been that impt. right??

so here is what u do, call her back tomorrow aft or evening. if you get voice mail do not leave a message. if you get her then talk for a short time, less than 10 min, keep it light and funny, nothing serious, don't bring up getting togeter or setting a date. Let her bring that up when she want to.

And don't ask her why she did not leave msgs. Just say you notice she called a coupla times. Just play it cool as a cucumber.

January 6, 2005

So why is she doing this??. IS this to show she is not needy or what?.

Well, I was thinking of not calling until the weekend is over?. What do you say about that??

January 6, 2005

Alphamale, great advice for this circumstance. Play it cool, he doesn't need to be all exposed. He can give himself when she's ready to handle the real deal.

But dude, "Be a man and don't show any positive or negative emotion"? That is enticing briefly and then just gets dull. O.K, for now. Long term it sabotages everything when the man won't tell a women how he really feels. Communication is essentially shut off over crucial issues that can spiral out of control. Just something to consider when the relationship comes back into play. Sometimes being a man is letting someone know what you want, how you feel and how to get it.

January 6, 2005

Originally posted by cugo999
So why is she doing this??. IS this to show she is not needy or what?.

Well, I was thinking of not calling until the weekend is over?. What do you say about that??

she is playing a GAME with you. a game of cat and mouse. if you don't play the game too then you lose by default.

actually, the longer you wait the better, but you don't want to wait too long. You can call her Monday if u want but don't extend it past that.

if she contact you before then just blow her off.

January 6, 2005

I agree, she may be playing games... so for now be detached.

January 6, 2005

Originally posted by alphamale
she is playing a GAME with you. a game of cat and mouse. if you don't play the game too then you lose by default.

I don't understand this part. I thought if I don't get into her games,she might think twice and be straight with her self??

January 6, 2005

NEVER!!!

January 7, 2005

Originally posted by alphamale
she is playing a GAME with you. a game of cat and mouse. if you don't play the game too then you lose by default.

actually, the longer you wait the better, but you don't want to wait too long. You can call her Monday if u want but don't extend it past that.

if she contact you before then just blow her off.

Could some explain to me this quote?. How do you start to play this kind of game??. On my part what should I do??. I am lost for now. May be I am dump or something. I have kept the NC perfectly and now this GAME again. For me I am not ready for more games. The only way may be to call it quits.

Could some show me the light here?????

January 7, 2005

Ok, now she going over board, I think.

My ex is now talking to my best friend. He does not know I was dating this gal.

He told me they have been talking for over two and half hrs in one sitting over the phone. He believes they are heading somewhere.

The point is, she doesn't want my friend to tell me anything. My friend shared with me a lot of stuff they talked about. I don't know what to here??. Why do this?. SHe knows this guy is my best friend.

IS this another game, or a rebound or to make me jealous??. Any body?, I need help here. How do you go about this.??

I don't want to tell my friend to stop talking to her, I feel he deserves to be happy too. If he likes the gal, there is nothing I can do about it. You can imagine my feeling when he was telling all these good stuff about this gal.

I seriously need help.

January 7, 2005

My advice, stay away from her. I would never hit on my ex's best friend, though one time he hit on me. And keep it all a secret from you to come out sooner or later? Unless I hate the guy and just want to be mean why do that? There are so many other men I could date without ripping someone's heart out.

Forget about the game, how to stop it, why she does it, etc. Maybe she wants to make competition, or she just doesn't care about your feelings or she is mad at you and can't handle communication. But just forget about her because she has issues she can keep to herself. It sounds like you like her but there's plenty of other people to date, people who will not be self absorbed in their own world. When you come across people like that there's not even chance at a basic friendship. Dissapointing but the sooner you know it the better off you are.

Good Luck!

January 7, 2005

Originally posted by Groovy

Forget about the game, how to stop it, why she does it, etc. Maybe she wants to make competition, or she just doesn't care about your feelings or she is mad at you and can't handle communication. But just forget about her because she has issues she can keep to herself.
Good Luck!

Should I tell my friend about my relationship with her. I mean he keeps updating me on what is going on with them. The whole thing started just after christmas. I also don't wanna be mean to her and mostly to my friend.

ANyways, I wonder if keeping a way from her may solve anything. I feel my friend deserves to know the truth. I just can't tell him now.

January 8, 2005

I would tell your friend. The only person who may be annoyed is this gal, who sounds like she is flirting with temptation for it to happen anyway. She won't tell you both straight up so I guess you should bring the truth out to resolve things for yourself and move on. I told my ex about his "friend" and it sound like your friend deserves to know. Besides, I don't think you need to hear about it. Why torture yourself like that?

You say you don't want to be mean. As long as you say nothing mean about her, your fine. You don't need to go into details of if you slept together, how long you dated, how you still like her, she plays games, etc....unless of course you have great trust and have known your friend for a long time to have that faith. Say you just dated her too so don't need to hear about it on his end, or just point out the fact that she never bothered to tell either of you about each other. I'm sure he'll respect your space, it's not a hard one to figure out. Maybe he'll think twice about how he feels too.

January 9, 2005

Well this is my update:

I called my ex on Saturday. The first time she never picked up, i left a message i'll call again. The second time I called, she never picked so i left another message she could call me back

She finally called back at 10.45 PM, she was driving home from work, so i told her to call after reaching home.

She called again.

The main reason why I called her, was to ask her why she has been calling me like four times and never left a message. Anyways, the conversation started fine and as usual she was kinda withdrawn, giving me the usual silence, so i could talk more while she keeps to herself. I finally asked her:

I have seen you have been calling and you never left a message?. And she was like I think I left a message, I was like no, you have never left a message. From here she started being defensive about it, trying to get out of it.

I justed told her, it is mature you leave a message the next time you call, and said good nite.

Five minutes later, she called back. And she was like, ooh, the reason why I called, was to let you know I had not gotten time for the coffee date you asked for (The last time I talked to her, I asked her if we could have coffee together of which she said she was busy working. I had told her to get back to me if she get a chance)

I told her it could be normal just say I have not gotten a free day yet for the coffee. Then she started saying, another thing, I was sick so I wanted you to come for me, which is bs.

sacasticlyl, I said, i think you missed my voice, so that is why you wanted to listen to my voice mail.

I could sense she was just trying to get out this. She lost in her game and she was feeling bad. I never ask her for a coffee date. I just told her, the next time you call do leave a message and left.

Now I am not sure if she will ever call again. I think she is kinda mad at me right now. She never knew i had a caller id, and I wonder if she could have called the way she did if she knew i have a caller id. I just have a feeling that it is over between us. I still can feel that connection whenever we talk. May be it is our pride , no one is willing to loose it.

What should i do from now. I am not ready to call her. I feel i stole the power from her and she is now feeling down. I believe we can't feel good at the same when it come to exes. If I feel good after talking to her, she must be feeling bad and vice versa.

What is the next move without coming out as needy. I still love this gal and I know she loves me too.

And by the way, my best friend updated me that he doesn't thing they are compatible and is considering stopping talking to her.

I need your advice.

Thank you all, you have been sooo kind.

January 9, 2005

just wondering if I messed up my situation. Could somebody tell me how to go from here????

January 9, 2005

Originally posted by cugo999
The first time she never picked up, i left a message i'll call again. The second time I called, she never picked so i left another message she could call me back

I have seen you have been calling and you never left a message?. And she was like I think I left a message, I was like no, you have never left a message. From here she started being defensive about it, trying to get out of it.

Now I am not sure if she will ever call again. I think she is kinda mad at me right now. She never knew i had a caller id

CUGO999: you did exactly whut I told you NOT to do. I told you not to leave a msg if you called her and I told you not to bring up why she did not leave messages. I also told you to keep it non-serious and be cool as a cucumber.

Instead you have, once again, come off as desperate and insecure. Women hate dudes like this.

You have done the exact opposite of what I said. This is bad.

And by the way, everyone has caller ID, and everyone KNOWS that everyone has caller ID.

You're in a big hole now.

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