New Relationship, Suddenly Ruined!

[csandiegooo]

So I started seeing this guy on Halloween. Everything has been wonderful--we've hung out 2-3 times a week (6-7 times total...involved intimate things like sleeping together, staying at each others' places, visiting his old house upstate...) lots of texts, and just a really awesome connection that I was sure was going to develop into something.

 

This past Sunday was particularly awesome--he really opened up to me about his past and I felt happier than ever. Then, this week, I barely heard from him. He didn't text me for days until I texted him. When I tried to make plans, he wouldn't text me about them until I asked last-minute, at which point he would say he was busy.

 

Yesterday, the following text exchange ensued:

 

ME: Since Sunday I have barely heard from you and feel blown off, what's up? If you need space or want to slow down or don't want to see me anymore then let's talk about it instead of avoiding it. I'm really into you but right now I just feel mostly hurt and confused.

 

HIM: Woah kinda jumping the gun there. I haven't been ignoring you and haven't even talked about what "it" is so there hasn't been anything to avoid. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings somehow but I do want to slow down if this is what's happening. I mean we've hung out what, like 4-5 times?

 

ME: Oh...ouch If trying to not be afraid to finally let my guard down around someone and wanting to be sexually and emotionally vulnerable is meaningless then maybe you're right; I mean that sincerely. I'm sorry.

 

HIM: If you're going to be needlessly vindictive, then I don't want to continue this conversation, which is absurd to have via text regardless.

 

ME: I know things are always interpreted wrongly via text, but I thought calling might make you feel put on the spot. I really am sincere and would never want to be vindictive or hurtful. I feel very sad and scared and didn't think this conversation would go this way. I still think you're worth it, and hope sometime maybe we'll try again.

 

What happened?! I was really surprised he was so disrespectful and not open to me sharing my feelings! I know he has lots of trust issues due to bad past relationships and has difficulty letting his guard down around someone, but I was NOT expecting this.

 

Does this mean we're over? Is this door closed? I was thinking about giving him some space and then calling him on Sunday night, either to talk or leave a message...

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[Mascara]

trying to not be afraid to finally let my guard down around someone and wanting to be sexually and emotionally vulnerable.

 

You don't do this. Never ever let someone know that your vulnerability is in their hands. It puts massive pressure on someone, because YOU are responsible for guarding your own heart. Picture someone you're not that bothered about, but who is really into you. Maybe someone from your past. Now imagine receiving those texts you sent from that person. It'd make you irritated and eye-rolling, right?

 

So, what to do now? Giving him some space then calling him Sunday? NO! You never ever contact him again until you hear from him. The ball is in his court. You ignore him, go out have fun and let him work things out on his own.

 

And if all you get is silence, there's your answer.

[d0nnivain]

The only thing you did "wrong" was attempt to have such a serious discussion via text. Texting is for short quick messages like Pick up milk. I'm running late. I miss you.

 

You shouldn't have been that hurt or confused this early. You shouldn't have confessed that to him.

 

Between the middle of November & the middle of February, a good rule of thumb for a new relationship is to assume that whatever is wrong is a function of the holidays & all the family stress / drama that goes along with it. It has nothing to do with you or your new relationship.

 

At this point, call him up & make a date to get together to do something causal & public. Once you are "alone" meaning seated at your table or in the, apologize. Say the stress of the season got to you. You didn't mean to pressure him. plead temporary insanity & ask if you can both pretend that entire exchange never happened.

 

Then calm down, dial down the intensity & back off. Let him come to you for the next several months.

[Philosoraptor]

Eh, sounds like you were moving too fast for him. Regardless, you wanted something that he wasn't sure of so you got out of it early rather than finding out later.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who is so disrespectful and in your eyes may have trust issues? Seems like valid reasons to be happy to be away from someone, not ask them for another chance.

[Leigh 87]

Uhhhh, guys, if he was really into her he would have not been that phased.....

 

She didn;t do anything that crazy...

 

For starters, if a guy falls hard for a girl and he feels there is something that special about her, he texts most nights. Rarely does a guy who is really into a girl, not contact her for days at a time.

 

Secondly, if he really felt that moved by meeting this girl, he would have rang her or tried to clear things up.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't anyone get it? Men are simple. When most men meet a girl and feel she is worthwhile enough, they would not do the whole " woah you are jumping the gun" bullcrap.

[mishy]

He is freaking out,got scared. Let him hide, do nothing and don't contact him

[Leigh 87]

No guy I know who is head over heels for a girl he just meets, gets "freaked out" over something this insignificant.

[mishy]

he sounds immature, also quite aggressive actually, as though he will be the type to twist things to make you feel like that bad person

[Mascara]

Uhhhh, guys, if he was really into her he would have not been that phased.....

 

She didn;t do anything that crazy...

 

For starters, if a guy falls hard for a girl and he feels there is something that special about her, he texts most nights. Rarely does a guy who is really into a girl, not contact her for days at a time.

 

Secondly, if he really felt that moved by meeting this girl, he would have rang her or tried to clear things up.

 

 

 

 

Doesn't anyone get it? Men are simple. When most men meet a girl and feel she is worthwhile enough, they would not do the whole " woah you are jumping the gun" bullcrap.

 

The point is.... he's NOT into her. So all of this " what should I do" is pointless. She needs to go dark and not to "give him space"

[Leigh 87]

The point is.... he's NOT into her. So all of this " what should I do" is pointless. She needs to go dark and not to "give him space"

 

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

IF a guy is into you, he does not act the way this guy did ^^^^^

 

I have done far worse to guys who have been into me, and they

overlooked it. FAR WORSE things.

 

LOL. I am not advocating bad behaviour to text men to see how into you they are:lmao:

But yeah. Once, I got all annoyed and weird at a guy while his mother was in hospital for not texting me for 4 hours. When he had been texting me all day every day, telling me how much he was falling for me every day.

And he still wanted to move forward with me after that:lmao:

It was one week. If a guy is into you, he will overlook things if it is a one off thing.

And don't get me started on the current guy who is in love with me. He is amazing, but I have said some pretty hurtful things to him. He still wants to be with me.

 

When a guy is not into you, slight things will freak a guy out.

 

The OP does no need to give this guy space, you are absolutely right.

 

She needs to go No Contact and only bother with guys who act into her.

 

She needs to learn the signs and actions of a guy who IS into her.

 

Getting freaked out over a fairly non confrontational series of texts, is NOT what a guy does when he is into you.

 

WHen a guy is into you, he kindly explains things to you, and he does not get all grumpy and "freaked out" when you want to know what the deal is.

 

Even if it has been a few days together, a guy who is into you will have no issues talking about where things are going after a few dates.

 

Guys that are into me take their profile down right away if I meet them online; they tell me the day they meet me.

 

I hope the OP gets the message.....

 

"going too fast" and "needing to give him breathing space and " it is too soon to have that talk with him" does NOT apply to a guy when he is truly into a girl.

[DrSimple]

Sounds to me like he had his fun and is prepared to move on.

 

He could be a sleaze and did it intentionally, or he could just be a regular guy who enjoyed the "flash in a pan" but now isn't feeling attached.

 

It's time for you to move on as well.

[soccerrprp]

He found someone new. As per having this conversation by texting...forget that. It sounds like that was his preferred method of communication, so his objection to it is absurd. Also, if not, there's nothing more telling than his flippant and defensive, immediate response. He was bailing on you and you called him on it and he didn't like it.

 

Whenever an important issue begins to brew via texting, I immediately phone. If he wanted to, he could have pressed "phone" or "dial" to speak with you. But he didn't.

 

You're good to have dropped him. He was not LTR material for you.

[Keenly]

Or its been less than a month and the OP is being clingy as hell. That would turn me off too. Everyone's trying to shift blame onto him, but it sounds to me like she may have had some responsibility in this.

[soccerrprp]

Or its been less than a month and the OP is being clingy as hell. That would turn me off too. Everyone's trying to shift blame onto him, but it sounds to me like she may have had some responsibility in this.

 

Maybe she had something to do with it, but her account doesn't show that in my opinion. Whenever someone's behavior changes so dramatically something is up. He went from near constant communication to zippo. One thing is very clear, HE IS THE ONE THAT CHANGED. Why? I say he lost interest and found someone else.

[RonaldS]

he sounds immature, also quite aggressive actually, as though he will be the type to twist things to make you feel like that bad person

 

Where in the world are you getting that from? Inference is a skill, and most people are not good at it. You with your post, and the OP with her text conversation.

 

If that were me, and I was having a good time with a girl but we were only in week 3, and she hit me with something like that via text, yeah, I would be pretty put off by it too. Especially manipulating somebody by a) putting words in their mouth and then holding it against them and b) making them responsible for your own vulnerability....that's a lot to deal with in week 3.

 

Communication needs to be thought out on important matters. People, men and women, need to take a second to examine their message before blurting, or worse, typing it out. If I were this guy, I would be reading these texts like, 'WTF?'.

[Keenly]

 

"going too fast" and "needing to give him breathing space and " it is too soon to have that talk with him" does NOT apply to a guy when he is truly into a girl.

 

 

Leigh, I like you, but I am sorry. This is a stupid thing to say. Are men not allowed to have emotions too? Is it not possible for a man to be into a woman and feel like they are moving too fast?

 

Why are men not ALLOWED to feel this way? You are putting us in neat little boxes and its driving me insane. I am one of those guys that WILL slow you down if I feel you are moving too fast for me. It does NOT mean I am not interested, it means that you are scaring the hell out of me.

[csandiegooo]

Leigh, I like you, but I am sorry. This is a stupid thing to say. Are men not allowed to have emotions too? Is it not possible for a man to be into a woman and feel like they are moving too fast?

 

Why are men not ALLOWED to feel this way? You are putting us in neat little boxes and its driving me insane. I am one of those guys that WILL slow you down if I feel you are moving too fast for me. It does NOT mean I am not interested, it means that you are scaring the hell out of me.

 

I feel like your way of thinking is most similar to his--so what's your take on where I should go from here? Is there any sort of damage control that would be effective?

[Keenly]

I feel like your way of thinking is most similar to his--so what's your take on where I should go from here? Is there any sort of damage control that would be effective?

 

 

Try to stop being so super serious about your "relationship" or where you are or whos mad or what you are feeling insecure about and just have fun! text him a joke or something that he would find amusing that you both did together or something. Give him plenty of space (including texts) Remain aloof and lighthearded, instead of serious and demanding.

 

New girlfriends should be fun, not emotionally exhausting. Best of luck .

[csandiegooo]

Try to stop being so super serious about your "relationship" or where you are or whos mad or what you are feeling insecure about and just have fun! text him a joke or something that he would find amusing that you both did together or something. Give him plenty of space (including texts) Remain aloof and lighthearded, instead of serious and demanding.

 

New girlfriends should be fun, not emotionally exhausting. Best of luck .

 

Thanks!

Would it really be okay to just text him something unrelated to the fight? No transition or phone call or anything necessary?

[Ruby Slippers]

You feel blown off because you are.

 

He's not that into you, and you're chasing him. If you want more pain, keep doing the same.

 

If you want to stop hurting, stop chasing him and move on.

[Gottabestrong]

Sounds to me like he lost interest and the first sign was when he did not contact you for a few days (assuming he normally did that every day). There could be lots of reasons for this: he realized you were not that compatible, he is dating others and one of them interests him more, he is not really looking for a relationship right now,...

 

Point is he is no longer interested. At least that is what his texts sound like to me.

 

My advice would be to give him lots of space, i.e. don't contact him for at least a week. If by then you have not heard from him how about you send him a short funny text like Keenly suggested? If he is still interested at all or just needed some space, he will reply. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

 

Sorry about that, getting excited about someone and seeing it terminate suddenly totally blows. Been there, done that.

[myothernic2]

Thanks!

Would it really be okay to just text him something unrelated to the fight? No transition or phone call or anything necessary?

 

 

You've been given all of that good advice and this is the one you latch on to? lol

[clia]

I can't believe I actually agree with Keenly!

 

IMO, you were in the very early stages of the relationship, and took things to a serious level too quickly. You've known this guy for only three weeks, so you have little idea of what his typical week or style of communication is. It's normal to have a lot of communication right away. You met someone new, you're excited, etc.! But that doesn't mean it's how it is always going to be.

 

So...

 

This past Sunday was particularly awesome--he really opened up to me about his past and I felt happier than ever. Then, this week, I barely heard from him. He didn't text me for days until I texted him. When I tried to make plans, he wouldn't text me about them until I asked last-minute, at which point he would say he was busy.

 

Your great date was on Sunday, now only five days ago. I don't see a lot of opportunities to make plans and text in five days' time. It's not like he went weeks without speaking to you, and it sounds like he did return your texts? How many texts did he send you between Sunday and Thursday?

 

I mean, I have no idea what is going on with this guy or what his job or life is like, but I really think you jumped the gun, and I think your communication expectations were out of sync considering you've only known this guy three weeks. Read some John Gray, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It's normal for men to pull back sometimes. Your reaction to a pullback is to stay where you are, not to chase or complain. They come back. Or maybe he was just really busy this week. I have weeks where I barely even have time to text my boyfriend or to see him. It happens.

 

ME: Since Sunday I have barely heard from you and feel blown off, what's up? If you need space or want to slow down or don't want to see me anymore then let's talk about it instead of avoiding it. I'm really into you but right now I just feel mostly hurt and confused.

 

I'm honestly groaning just reading this. You went way too serious way too fast. You two were having fun getting to know each other and now, BAM. By text message no less.

 

HIM: Woah kinda jumping the gun there. I haven't been ignoring you and haven't even talked about what "it" is so there hasn't been anything to avoid. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings somehow but I do want to slow down if this is what's happening. I mean we've hung out what, like 4-5 times?

 

Now he's feeling pressured to make a decision about what the two of you are, after only three weeks. And you forced him into a corner. He's probably thinking "Jeez, it's only been four days since I last saw her...what does this chick want out of me?"

 

ME: Oh...ouch If trying to not be afraid to finally let my guard down around someone and wanting to be sexually and emotionally vulnerable is meaningless then maybe you're right; I mean that sincerely. I'm sorry.

 

Barf. Honestly. You've known this guy three weeks. You shouldn't be sharing this kind of information. It gets you nowhere with a man you've just met. Instead it sounds like super serious relationship talk, which typically makes them run for the hills.

 

HIM: If you're going to be needlessly vindictive, then I don't want to continue this conversation, which is absurd to have via text regardless.

 

Yep, he is really turned off.

 

ME: I know things are always interpreted wrongly via text, but I thought calling might make you feel put on the spot. I really am sincere and would never want to be vindictive or hurtful. I feel very sad and scared and didn't think this conversation would go this way. I still think you're worth it, and hope sometime maybe we'll try again.

 

If you know things are interpreted wrongly over text, then at this point you should have just picked up the phone and called him, especially given the comment he made in his last text. This text just sounds kind of pathetic now. Do not send such long, feelingish messages over text. Texts should be short, sweet, and fun. No more than one sentence long.

 

What happened?! I was really surprised he was so disrespectful and not open to me sharing my feelings! I know he has lots of trust issues due to bad past relationships and has difficulty letting his guard down around someone, but I was NOT expecting this.

 

His issue is that he barely knows you. If you want to share your feelings, call one of your girlfriends. The two of you were having lots of fun and then rather than going with the flow of the relationship, you forced the issue. You pushed him to start defining what you are, and to apologize to you for something he didn't even feel like he was doing wrong. Rather than being, fun, breezy girl, you turned into super serious relationship girl. You have to be so careful in the early stages of a relationship, because any sign of problems can cause people to bolt.

 

Does this mean we're over? Is this door closed? I was thinking about giving him some space and then calling him on Sunday night, either to talk or leave a message...

 

I think it's over, but if you go no contact, he might change his mind and reach out to you. I would not advise contacting him again.

[StarsOnFire]

I can't believe I actually agree with Keenly!

 

IMO, you were in the very early stages of the relationship, and took things to a serious level too quickly. You've known this guy for only three weeks, so you have little idea of what his typical week or style of communication is. It's normal to have a lot of communication right away. You met someone new, you're excited, etc.! But that doesn't mean it's how it is always going to be.

 

So...

 

 

 

Your great date was on Sunday, now only five days ago. I don't see a lot of opportunities to make plans and text in five days' time. It's not like he went weeks without speaking to you, and it sounds like he did return your texts? How many texts did he send you between Sunday and Thursday?

 

I mean, I have no idea what is going on with this guy or what his job or life is like, but I really think you jumped the gun, and I think your communication expectations were out of sync considering you've only known this guy three weeks. Read some John Gray, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It's normal for men to pull back sometimes. Your reaction to a pullback is to stay where you are, not to chase or complain. They come back. Or maybe he was just really busy this week. I have weeks where I barely even have time to text my boyfriend or to see him. It happens.

 

 

 

I'm honestly groaning just reading this. You went way too serious way too fast. You two were having fun getting to know each other and now, BAM. By text message no less.

 

 

 

Now he's feeling pressured to make a decision about what the two of you are, after only three weeks. And you forced him into a corner. He's probably thinking "Jeez, it's only been four days since I last saw her...what does this chick want out of me?"

 

 

 

Barf. Honestly. You've known this guy three weeks. You shouldn't be sharing this kind of information. It gets you nowhere with a man you've just met. Instead it sounds like super serious relationship talk, which typically makes them run for the hills.

 

 

 

Yep, he is really turned off.

 

 

 

If you know things are interpreted wrongly over text, then at this point you should have just picked up the phone and called him, especially given the comment he made in his last text. This text just sounds kind of pathetic now. Do not send such long, feelingish messages over text. Texts should be short, sweet, and fun. No more than one sentence long.

 

 

 

His issue is that he barely knows you. If you want to share your feelings, call one of your girlfriends. The two of you were having lots of fun and then rather than going with the flow of the relationship, you forced the issue. You pushed him to start defining what you are, and to apologize to you for something he didn't even feel like he was doing wrong. Rather than being, fun, breezy girl, you turned into super serious relationship girl. You have to be so careful in the early stages of a relationship, because any sign of problems can cause people to bolt.

 

 

 

I think it's over, but if you go no contact, he might change his mind and reach out to you. I would not advise contacting him again.

 

yes, yes and yes! agreed!