CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 What exactly does this crap mean? My ex told me this when she broke up with me, granted, she did not leave me for someone else, ( it was because she was hurt by something I did -- its in another post ) and she felt like it was beyond repair so she ended things, and when she did she said that she had fallen out of love with me because trust was betrayed ( I did not cheat on her, something else ) and because the trust was betrayed she fell out of love with me....she said '' I will always, always LOVE you, but I am not IN LOVE with you anymore''.....what does a woman mean by that??? it should be self-explanatory, but a little female insight would help! Thanks!
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 The eloquent and bittersweet "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" translates roughly into the brutal reality of: "I care for you, but I'm probably not sufficiently sexually attracted to you to commit to you fully any longer. I am bored with this relationship and am no longer interested in investing the time or effort to keep it going. I'm in the process of looking for someone else who is more exciting to me and better fulfills my needs. Chances are by the time I tell you this, I've already found someone else and am looking for the most painless thing I can say to you and still get away with ditching you."
Author CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 well, she said that to me well after she ended things.....we lived together because we were engaged to be married, but I lied to her about one thing and it hurt her so bad I imagine that she said I lost her trust and she ended things...later on is when I was told the whole I love you, not in love with you thing....she said she had a bad time trying to figure out if she wanted to call of the wedding but she said her heart told her that she should because she could not trust me.....you can read the whole story in my other posts....she and I lived together about a month or so after the breakup which made it hard obviously, and she was home every night never went out unless we both went to eat...so she was not seeing anyone....she may be now, but thats a different story....I feel she just felt betrayed, which if you read or have read my other posts, you will think that it was kind of over-reacting, but thats how she felt....she told me right after the breakup that it was the hardest thing she has ever had to do because she was so In love with me, but that she had been burned before with trust issues in previous relationships, and could not afford to have it done again...it scared her..she bailed. and also, I am not trying to be some macho man or anything, but our sex life was great! she and I both were very fulfilled...I simply think what I said above was the root cause of her feelings.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I expect later on down the road you may find there was more to it than you know. It sounds a little too cut and dried - more like she was looking for an opportunity to bail and took it when it came along. I dunno though, I may just be a little to cynical about it.
Author CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 You have read my posts on things....You have given me advice, so I know how you feel...hey, I agree...I think she wanted to relive her college years and found her way out.....If I was not before, I am like you now....I have become very cynical!!! you know my story....I tried so hard and was so good and she was too...but that one slip up....it may have made her think about the big picture in her life and thats why she did what she did.....I even heard her telling her mother the day it happened....'' I just want to be single again and entertained'' which from what her sisters told me, she just wants to be in that college mindset again...partying everynight, doing as she pleases..she did not want to be tied down....There is no doubt she loved me with all her heart, I just feel she is confused and does not know what she wants.
tattoomytoe Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 it means she loves you, cause you have shared a lot, she cares for you....but she is not in love, head over heel...etc... with you. it's how i feel about my bf!
Author CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Yeah, thats about how I figured it....we did share a lot...more than she has with anyone else in her life minus her family....but I think that because of what happened her 'fire' burned out because she was hurt....she said it took a while to come to terms with how she felt, but that she would always love me....so, basically, I accepted it albeit not without a struggle to repair things and I myself have moved on too.
TranslucentThoughts Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I think people get lazy in relationships. When my bf broke up with me he said the exact same thing. But, things were never bad between us. He started acting cold toward me for about 2 weeks before we split and I had to come right out and ask if he wanted to break up because I was sick of being treated like crap and not knowing why. Then he told me that reason. Before those 2 weeks things were great and he was the one who was always saying how in love with me he was... how he never wanted us to be apart. Blah Blah Blah. (yeah right) I think he got lazy... he didn't want to put in the effort anymore and things were getting too commitment related for him. Also, Practically right after we broke up he started going after someone else. Inviting her places and so on.... so, I don't know. Maybe he wanted to try out something new... I was his first real relationship. I think that excuse is crap unless you have a reason. I don't believe you just fall out of love with someone for no reason. It can happen, I think, if you don't put effort into the relationship and you just give up... or if you feel you've been ignored or betrayed. I never did anything to hurt my boyfriend. Ever. He knew how much I loved and cared for him... he just thought the grass was greener on the other side I think, and he wasn't ready to really give his all to a relationship.
tattoomytoe Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 it helps to put yourself in her shoes. how would you feel if she lied to you? and this was about not telling your parents about the engagement right? which says you are ashamed of her....makes you feel all warm and fuzzy huh?
Author CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Well, I think she felt betrayed....over one thing...I had never done anything like that before, and she knew that.....I was her first serious relationship, we had planned a wedding, paid for, everything...and she canceled it all over this one little thing ( you can find out what it was at my other posts on this section if you care to ) anyway, she did not want to work at it, nothing...it was just ' boom, you hurt me, I cant trust you, its over ' after all we had been through, and let me tell you, she needed some ' second chances ' in our relationship, and I gave them to her because I wanted to put in the work it took when times got hard....did I ever need one? NO. did she afford me the courtesy to give me one and show me she was in it as much as me? NO again. so I have moved on and I wish her the best...i still love her and want nothing but the best for her, and honestly, if she gets what she wants is another question, because I don't feel she knows....she is just floating around doing whatever comes her way...one day she will get what she needs though.
Author CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 well, no it was not about lying, and it was not about being ashamed.....it was this: She was a possessive, selfish person who dominated the relationship in every way possible. She had no self esteem and enjoyed ridiculing me from everything to what I wore, to my friends, etc...nothing was good enough for her, she always got upset at the most ridiculous things..and when I say upset, I mean literally, one time at a mexican place we ate at, I said something about being pressed for time, and she said '' don't tell me to hurry up'' ...I said I am sorry, and she then just kept egging it on and finally she just up and left the place....gone....I kept my composure, ate my dinner, paid the bill...left to go to Barnes and noble to read and give her some space, and when I decided to go back home ( we lived together ) I looked at my cell phone and she had called 16 times!!! she was crying and saying she was sorry and that she was lonely and let me tell you.....it was like this almost anytime we would do anything together....always!! why did I love her and want to stay with her? because I grew to see her other side, even if it was not always there....I felt like I was being calm and being understanding of her when she got like this, but it became such a common thing, I began to question if it was worth it....I thought if I stuck it out, then things would get better...so when we got back from the beach, She told her family we were engaged.....they knew nothing about what went on between us...they thought we were just happy go lucky everything is wonderful!! they did not know about the tantrums and fights and the general crap that went on because they lived so far away...my family knew...they lived nearby, they same me always depressed and trying to handle my self best I knew how....they knew what was going on.....so my conflict came in the fact that I was looking for a way to tell my family and also struggle with myself about it, and at the same time keep her from having one of her destructive outbursts on me...so I lied and told her I told them to keep her calm.....I was going to tell everyone, just when I felt like the time was right....she found out I had not, and said she could not trust me....this coming from someone who always was yelling a degrading my friends, who ruined valentines day by getting drunk and throwing wine bottles in the house at me and against the walls because I Would not let her leave to drive and get more alcohol.....things like that....and I slip up one minor time and I AM TOAST....just typing all that above lets me realize why I am glad she ended things with me but thats the answer to your reply....can you see at least a little bit where I was coming from? it was not malicious in any way at all.
tattoomytoe Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 ok...... well, we can see that she was not the best for you...right? i understand that you love her, and it will probably take a while to get to where you are good again. but why do you want to feel like her piece of trash? she berades you, says you are worthless....why do you want to be around that 'till death do you part? cause she will change right? nope..why should she change? you have never done anything to stop her before. let her go. be a bigger person and not be terribly mean to her. move on.
Author CA20 Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Oh yeah, I am moving on, and I have had NC with her and I have not been mean or anything towards her...I tried to save things...( don't know why now ) and I sent her a letter that asked for forgiveness for what I did, and told her I loved her and always would...I did it for myself, not her...just to give me closure.....she sent me an email that said '' I accept your apology, I appreciate it, my decision is made'' '' I am moving on, as you should too'' ''I wish you the best '' that was it....but I have my closure. there was a tremendous amount of fighting ( nothing physical ) after the breakup, so that may have been the nail in the coffin so to speak....but life goes on!
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