sun1972 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Just curious, is the consensus that talking to an ex every day since the breakup is just plain unhealthy wether your trying to get reconciliation or not? I ended it (ldr seemingly going nowhere) but regretted it, a week after the split we agreed to give it a few weeks and decide what to do (she thinks 'maybee' to much has happened but isnt sure) Yet we still talk every day? When we split i did do the 'take off fb' thing etc..and she said it hurt her so i readded her, but simply dont post anything now. The chat is pretty much similar to when together really, without the love yous or the flirting...at 2 weeks PU we havent had a day of not talking yet... Am i just stopping myself from moving on? Am i harming my chances of reconciliation? I want her back, but.. i find the 'leave her a few months' option hard as i feel she will completely move on?
Author sun1972 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Essentially, yes. If you're having an ldr, broke up, and are still talking, guess what? you're still in an ldr and yep... going nowhere. the big difference is... we saw each other 3 days a week in the ldr.. this will be the second weekend on the trot i wont see her, and i found last weekend incredibly hard
Author sun1972 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 You're still stuck treading water. If the relationship is going nowhere, you need to walk away for a while. If it's got potential, it well survive the distance. except the single biggest issue was i wouldnt give up my job of 21 years for her, after tasting 2 weeks of the alternative i will do it straight away now im 110% sure of that. Problem is, ive said the exact same thing before to her, and she doesnt believe me...
2fargone Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 except the single biggest issue was i wouldnt give up my job of 21 years for her, after tasting 2 weeks of the alternative i will do it straight away now im 110% sure of that. Problem is, ive said the exact same thing before to her, and she doesnt believe me... You're still finding excuses to not do what you need to do. Get over it, giving it a few weeks doesn't mean continuing what you were doing. It means give someone the opportunity to reflect and think. You being scared that she will move on will not make her not move on if she wishes to do so. 1
Confusedguy81 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 would rather get kicked in my privates than talk to my ex everyday. 2
Survivor12 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 except the single biggest issue was i wouldnt give up my job of 21 years for her, after tasting 2 weeks of the alternative i will do it straight away now im 110% sure of that. Problem is, ive said the exact same thing before to her, and she doesnt believe me... Or, perhaps, she DOES believe you and doesn't want to be responsible for you doing something that you don't want to do because of her. Lets say you do give up your job...then what? I'll tell you--She'll have the obligation of staying with you hanging over her head if things didn't work out between you. AND, since you have made it clear that the "alternative" isn't your preference, she has good reason to believe that you won't be happy/satisfied & once the "honeymoon" is over, she will be stuck with a guy who is miserable. Frankly, it's a no-win situation at this point. She KNOWS that the only reason that you would make the move is because of her and she doesn't want that. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me as though she went so far as to break it off with you to keep it from happening. Of course, you COULD make the move without any expectation of being with her, but why WOULD you? Not only would you be in a job that you don't want but you would likely alienate her even more. As for whether or not to continue your frequent communication, you need to decide if you are willing to settle for being in the FZ indefinitely while hoping that things eventually get back to the way they were or if you need to take a step back to deal with the breakup and move on. It's up to you.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I don't know how you can do that. Maybe it hasn't sunk in that the RS is over. I mean even the thought of seeing my ex just makes me feel sick. He wanted to remain friends after the BU but I just can't do it. I wish that I could but it just seems to hard. I mean the thought of him dating someone else, I just don't want to know that sort of thing. And eventually it will happen. I think for most it's easier to just cut the cord and remove them from your life. That's what works for me anyway, and it's still hard. I think if we were still in contact I would be holding out hope for us and that isn't a good way to live because you will never move on.
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 NC isn't for everyone. Neither is a clean break. If you feel OK -- not trapped, desperate or stuck -- about the continued communication, it's fine. A gradual lessening of the contact works & is perfectly healthy for some people. Not everybody rips off the bandaid or dives into the cold water. Some people peel it off slowly & gradually ease their way in. If it's working for you, great.
Author sun1972 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Or, perhaps, she DOES believe you and doesn't want to be responsible for you doing something that you don't want to do because of her. Lets say you do give up your job...then what? I'll tell you--She'll have the obligation of staying with you hanging over her head if things didn't work out between you. AND, since you have made it clear that the "alternative" isn't your preference, she has good reason to believe that you won't be happy/satisfied & once the "honeymoon" is over, she will be stuck with a guy who is miserable. Frankly, it's a no-win situation at this point. She KNOWS that the only reason that you would make the move is because of her and she doesn't want that. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me as though she went so far as to break it off with you to keep it from happening. Of course, you COULD make the move without any expectation of being with her, but why WOULD you? Not only would you be in a job that you don't want but you would likely alienate her even more. As for whether or not to continue your frequent communication, you need to decide if you are willing to settle for being in the FZ indefinitely while hoping that things eventually get back to the way they were or if you need to take a step back to deal with the breakup and move on. It's up to you. The honeymoon was over years ago, despite it being LDR we have spent over 1000 days together.. But you may have a point, when it talked about commuting she said 'i love being with you, i always love being with you- and i love the idea of living with you, i do worry about what you are having to do to make it happen though, and what if it doesnt work out?' so perhaps your right.... ill go nc within the week i suppose..
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 sun1972 -- you didn't break up because you were fundamentally uncompatable or fell out of love. You broke up because you couldn't fix the geography. A gradual softer drifting apart makes more sense here & possibly leaves the door open for a future way down the road, post retirement when you don't have the ties that are currently keeping you apart.
cavalier99 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) Are you ok with her f*cking new guys and sharing info about her dating life? Do you see her just as a friend and will be happy for her if she gets enagaged or pregnant and happily tells you about it. And how you were a great BF but thank god it didnt work out or she wouldnt have these great things happening for her and you will always be a great friend she can count on to cry on your shoulder in tought times, If your ok with this then you can keep on talking to her everyday. If not then it is idiotic having ANY contact with her. Cav Edited November 22, 2013 by cavalier99 1
Author sun1972 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) donnavan - i think maybee she did fall out of love slowly, the strain of ldr, and also when i backed out of leaving my job she didnt speak to me for ages.. i have thought myself that i had fallen out of love at times. But i see your point, no anger was involved, our last words to each other when we saw each other were that we loved each other and to kiss.. cavalier- no clearly im not ok with it because as im replying to you the tears have just started...in clear view in the bloody office to boot..bugger. I did say when we split i wouldnt be able to talk eventually because of new people in our lives, i said i wouldnt be able to sit and hear about her new boyfriend etc and be happy for her even though i wanted her happy She said 'the chances of me meeting anyone else for a very very long time are zilch i can tell you that for nothing' Edited November 22, 2013 by sun1972
cavalier99 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) Sorry man. These things are tough. On the postive side i was as bad as you a year ago and now i do all the things listed in my previous post with the ex. We are friends and both are in new RS. She just rented a hotel room for me and my new gal last night (she gets me great rates) Of couse it took me over 7 months pure NC and a new RS to get even close to speaking to her or even knowing anything about her. She could have died and i wouldnt have known. You will heal i promise. But pure NC is the only way. Cav Me last November. This will make you feel better! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/357332-friggin-fed-up-sick-tired-recovery Edited November 22, 2013 by cavalier99
Survivor12 Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 The honeymoon was over years ago, despite it being LDR we have spent over 1000 days together.. But you may have a point, when it talked about commuting she said 'i love being with you, i always love being with you- and i love the idea of living with you, i do worry about what you are having to do to make it happen though, and what if it doesnt work out?' so perhaps your right.... ill go nc within the week i suppose.. Just to be clear, the "honeymoon" I was referring to was regarding the newness of living in the same vicinity.
Author sun1972 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Just to be clear, the "honeymoon" I was referring to was regarding the newness of living in the same vicinity. well it looks like we are trying again mate, im gonna get a job in her area..ive decided we are already talking like a couple etc the only disagreement is xmas i think xmas apart is best...i think a completely fresh start needs time apart she wants xmas together....
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