How's this message? Does it make me seem desperate?

[befriendlyplease]

Long story short she friend-zoned me. I played the friendship game for a few months and then I stopped initiating contact. Three months later she sent me a message saying that she wanted to be on good terms and to let her know If I'm ever in town.

 

Should I respond with this message?

 

"Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!"

 

any other suggestions?

 

For next time, a friendly but impersonal response that doesn't commit you to anything is the way to go. You accept but don't directly acknowledge the "being on good terms part" except by sending a friendly response.

 

In general an appropriate mature response would be:

 

"It's good to hear from you. How's everything going?"

 

In the future, you can get closure by being cordial and not committing to any plans.

[RonaldS]

All is not totally lost.

 

There's a thing some people have, some naturally, some develop it over time....it's called 'character'. Some people have this, but not the majority. Character is a nice balance of caring, accountability, respect, self-awareness and humility.

 

What separates people with character from those without is how they respond to their own mistakes.

 

You royally effed this up, and it's really easy to say 'oh well', brush it off and move on. But at some point, you need to realize there was a real, live person on the receiving end of that message. Whether or not she was a great person, or you guys ever could have had something, that's all arbitrary. A person reached out to you and you got pissy because you couldn't have your way. She was right to defriend you. The technical, professional psychologic term for what you did was 'pull a dick move'.

 

OK, you screwed it up. Here's where character comes in. Instead of walking away from it, you know, it wouldn't hurt to take ownership of your mistake. And by that, I mean that a real man would CALL her up and apologize.

 

Say nothing beyond apologizing for your screw up. No qualifiers, no pretenses, no ulterior motives. Tell her you realize it was a dick move to say that, and that you are sorry.

 

Character. Probably too late for this girl, but you will hopefully learn and do the right thing next time.

[WP4046]

I already did. 3 months ago when we were still talking I sent her a text; "You know I want you...when can I see you again? :)"

 

Didn't get a response (until yesterday) when she sent me a message about catching up and being on good terms. Like I said before I probably should of called her to gauge her mood. But overall I'm pretty sure she still wasn't interested in being anything more than friends.

 

 

Now that text right there made you sound a little desperate in my opinion

[Jame22]

All is not totally lost.

 

There's a thing some people have, some naturally, some develop it over time....it's called 'character'. Some people have this, but not the majority. Character is a nice balance of caring, accountability, respect, self-awareness and humility.

 

What separates people with character from those without is how they respond to their own mistakes.

 

You royally effed this up, and it's really easy to say 'oh well', brush it off and move on. But at some point, you need to realize there was a real, live person on the receiving end of that message. Whether or not she was a great person, or you guys ever could have had something, that's all arbitrary. A person reached out to you and you got pissy because you couldn't have your way. She was right to defriend you. The technical, professional psychologic term for what you did was 'pull a dick move'.

 

OK, you screwed it up. Here's where character comes in. Instead of walking away from it, you know, it wouldn't hurt to take ownership of your mistake. And by that, I mean that a real man would CALL her up and apologize.

 

Say nothing beyond apologizing for your screw up. No qualifiers, no pretenses, no ulterior motives. Tell her you realize it was a dick move to say that, and that you are sorry.

 

Character. Probably too late for this girl, but you will hopefully learn and do the right thing next time.

 

I already sent her an apology note a few hours ago; "that wording was a little rude. I guess what i wanted to say was that I need a little space. but I don't want to cut contact forever!"

 

Do you think this will at least get her on good terms?

 

I guess if she responds to that I can call her? Should I call her tomorrow evening even if I get no response?

 

thanks!

Edited November 24, 2013 by Jame22

[MalachiX]

If I were you, I'd give it some time and stop trying to get a response from her. I think you need to stop worrying about winning her back (which I think might still be lurking around in your head) and really move on.

 

After a time (maybe a week, month, or a few months), try sending her something more in depth which really owns your actions. If I were you, I'd say something like this:

 

Hey, I wanted to apologize for everything. I got insecure when we were dating and you started to fade away. I figured you saw me as just another nice guy so I tried to act cool and tough because I thought that win you back. Instead I just came off like a jerk. I know you don't owe me anything and I feel particularly bad that I greeted your attempt at friendship with hostility. Everything I did had more to do with me than it did with you. I would like to be on good terms if that's still possible but, if not, I just wanted to say i'm sorry.

 

Of course, that's just how I'd handle it. I tend to be a little long-winded and melodramatic so I'd say do this in your own style.

[Jame22]

If I were you, I'd give it some time and stop trying to get a response from her. I think you need to stop worrying about winning her back (which I think might still be lurking around in your head) and really move on.

 

After a time (maybe a week, month, or a few months), try sending her something more in depth which really owns your actions. If I were you, I'd say something like this:

 

Hey, I wanted to apologize for everything. I got insecure when we were dating and you started to fade away. I figured you saw me as just another nice guy so I tried to act cool and tough because I thought that win you back. Instead I just came off like a jerk. I know you don't owe me anything and I feel particularly bad that I greeted your attempt at friendship with hostility. Everything I did had more to do with me than it did with you. I would like to be on good terms if that's still possible but, if not, I just wanted to say i'm sorry.

 

Of course, that's just how I'd handle it. I tend to be a little long-winded and melodramatic so I'd say do this in your own style.

 

thanks for your advice! but I think it would be better to call her. One thing I'm beginning to learn; never send your deep thoughts via text. If you have something important to say, at least call or set up a meeting. Texting/sending messages never ends well.

[MalachiX]

Trust your gut.

 

All the dating sites always say call rather than text but a lot of women do prefer a text when they're feeling you out or when you're trying to feel you out, especially after a rough patch. I think either can work in this case.

 

But give it time. Don't call her now. It's not going to feel sincere. It's going to feel like a ploy. It's going to seem like, once again, that you're desperate because you keep contacting her after saying you didn't want to. It's going to be too much drama to be worth her energy.

 

Give it time so you can actually reflect on this and so, when you do call her, she'll know that you're in a better place. That is assuming she answer the phone.

[carhill]

any other suggestions?

 

After playing the friendship game a few months longer than was healthy, now is the time to enjoy family and friends and zero her out. What's done is done and life goes on. Simply and directly stated, a woman who is genuinely and sincerely attracted to a man and who is healthy emotionally will not 'friendzone' him and allow him to be in the 'friend game' for three months, rather she'll move the world to reciprocate his interest and grow their intimacy.

 

Find her. This one is a dry hole.

[Jame22]

Trust your gut.

 

Whenever I trust my gut, bad things happen lol

Edited November 24, 2013 by Jame22

[Jame22]

If I were you, I'd give it some time and stop trying to get a response from her. I think you need to stop worrying about winning her back (which I think might still be lurking around in your head) and really move on.

 

After a time (maybe a week, month, or a few months), try sending her something more in depth which really owns your actions. If I were you, I'd say something like this:

 

Hey, I wanted to apologize for everything. I got insecure when we were dating and you started to fade away. I figured you saw me as just another nice guy so I tried to act cool and tough because I thought that win you back. Instead I just came off like a jerk. I know you don't owe me anything and I feel particularly bad that I greeted your attempt at friendship with hostility. Everything I did had more to do with me than it did with you. I would like to be on good terms if that's still possible but, if not, I just wanted to say i'm sorry.

 

Of course, that's just how I'd handle it. I tend to be a little long-winded and melodramatic so I'd say do this in your own style.

 

After doing some thinking. I'm going to use this. I wouldn't expect her to pick up her phone but I'm sure she'd read a real letter. I'm going to give her some time and send it around Christmas. Thanks for all your help!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/444613-how-s-apology-letter

[MalachiX]

Whenever I trust my gut, bad things happen lol

 

Are you trusting your gut or your insecurity?

 

I don't know about you but I have a lot of different impulses, especially when I'm nervous.

 

For instance, if I worry a girl might be pulling away there's a lot of different things I might do:

 

a.) I might freak out and decide I have to be more persistent. I'll make myself super-available and try really hard to win her over with pure niceness. I'll do things that seem like I have no sense of self just because I want so much for someone to like me. This is me being a doormat because I'm insecure.

 

b.) I might go the opposite way. I'll decide I want to be cool. Maybe I'll just text her nothing but flirty stuff so she sees me as a man. Maybe I'll act somewhat annoyed because I want her to know I won't wait around forever and that I'm a hot commodity. Maybe I just won't talk to her at all. This is me being a jerk because I'm insecure.

 

c.) Finally, I can try to do what I think a legitimately confident but good guy would do. I'll be genuine and try to suggest in a subtle way that I like her but I don't know if she's pulling a fade away. I'll try to voice my concerns in a low pressure manner and let her know I'm not going to hate her if she's losing interest but I also want clarity and don't want to be lead on. I won't reschedule my life around her but I also won't be cold if she wants to go out. Essentially, I'll be a good guy but I won't be a doormat.

 

Now, option (c.) is the the hardest to do but I honestly feel better about myself when I do it and I'm trying to do it more often these days. I don't know if it's going to get me more success but I do know that, when I'm nice and genuine but still assertive, I like myself a lot more. I want to be a guy who is confident enough to admit his feelings but also kind enough to not get angry if someone doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about them. I also want to be a guy who won't let himself be used (or strung along) but who also is willing to give other people the benefit of the doubt and not get paranoid every time a women stops giving me attention. That's the guy who I want to be. The question is, what kind of guy do you want to be?

[Teknoe]

James (I don't see an "S" but I assume your name is James),

Man oh man. This thread hits close to home... a little TOO close. Your thought patterns, your actions, your emotional reactions, sending unnecessary overly long messages... it's like we operate by the same handbook.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/252255-have-i-damaged-friendship-beyond-repair

 

just read that mega thread. you might see a lot of yourself wrapped up in me. I'm still learning. I recently "lost" a really good female friend whom I confessed my feelings for. After that, it was never the same. She has not responded to my texts or emails for a couple weeks now. Not sure if I said something or did something that rubbed her the wrong way.

 

Damn, still learning here. I write too much. Long emails and long texts. I need to cut back, even though I think writing is a big part of my identity/personality and I think it'll always be a part of me. I just like to express myself through written words. Sometimes that has gotten me in trouble, though

[clia]

After doing some thinking. I'm going to use this. I wouldn't expect her to pick up her phone but I'm sure she'd read a real letter. I'm going to give her some time and send it around Christmas. Thanks for all your help!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/444613-how-s-apology-letter

 

Please don't do this.

 

Your initial message to her basically forced her hand. You told her you wanted to keep contact to a minimum because you want to date her and she doesn't want to date you. So, she did exactly what you asked. She unfriended you. She gave you what you wanted!

 

What did you expect to happen? Were you hoping she would realize the error of her ways and come running back to you? (That's typically why people send messages like the one you sent.) That didn't happen, so now you are going to go crawling back to her apologizing...for what? For telling her you don't want to be friends? So what? Isn't that the truth? You are apologizing for telling her the truth? Oh, right...deep down you are hoping that in a month she will realize the error of her ways.

 

I already know how this story ends. If this girl wanted to keep in contact with you, she would not have unfriended you. She's done and this is over. You have nothing to gain by contacting her again in a month. Delete her number and move on. Seriously. No reason to drag it out.

[Lansing]

Delete her number and move on. Seriously. No reason to drag it out.

 

This is the best advice you are going to receive on this matter.

 

Seriously dude.... Move on.

 

There was one girl I met ages ago, I was never "interested" in her romantically, just as a friendly thing. This was back in the time of MSN. I felt like I was making the effort to contact her/ask her out as friends/etc. so one night I just got fed up and I deleted her from MSN. She someone found out that I removed her and she confronted me and was like "what the heck"?. I told her I felt things were one sided and I didn't want to feel like I was carrying the friendship. Anyway, she understood and she actually started making efforts. We still talk now 5 + years later and meet up every once and a while.

 

However, your girl didn't even respond to try to see what could happen to still be friends because the reality if she KNOWS you have this crush on her and you won't just drop it and be friends with her.

 

Do not send her any more messages. You are attached to this girl because you have no other options. Go date 5 other girls and then see if you still are constantly thinking about this girl all the time.

[Teknoe]

Please don't do this.

 

Your initial message to her basically forced her hand. You told her you wanted to keep contact to a minimum because you want to date her and she doesn't want to date you. So, she did exactly what you asked. She unfriended you. She gave you what you wanted!

 

What did you expect to happen? Were you hoping she would realize the error of her ways and come running back to you? (That's typically why people send messages like the one you sent.) That didn't happen, so now you are going to go crawling back to her apologizing...for what? For telling her you don't want to be friends? So what? Isn't that the truth? You are apologizing for telling her the truth? Oh, right...deep down you are hoping that in a month she will realize the error of her ways.

 

I already know how this story ends. If this girl wanted to keep in contact with you, she would not have unfriended you. She's done and this is over. You have nothing to gain by contacting her again in a month. Delete her number and move on. Seriously. No reason to drag it out.

 

great advice, clia!

 

James, she's right. As hard as it is, DO NOT send her any more messages. Like I said in my previous post, I have been where you are and I know all too well what your thought process is right now.

 

Like you, I did the whole "exciting" "Oh, I'll send this magical message one month from now when she's had time to cool down, miss me and come to her senses what a great guy I am and how much she needs me in her life." Boy, was I stupid (and wrong) lol. When a girl "disavows" you, there's nothing you can do to win her back. Once a girl sees you in such a light as to want to have NOTHING to do with ya, it's time to hit the showers and call it a day.

 

Please, please don't send her anything else. Respect yourself, and respect her wish to be left alone. Promise us you won't, will ya? You would only help yourself and her if you do NOTHING ever again. Instead, I'd focus on self improvement, and learning from this girl with the next one. Good luck.

[Jame22]

Please don't do this.

 

I won't, I promise! I was only really depressed for about a day. I'm already getting over it. I'm sure I'll have some more rough days, but in the end I'll be better off.

 

I really need to find another girl though! I've been looking online for the past month. I've been on two dates...no success. Right now I'm trying to get a girl out but she's really busy/flaky. It's pretty slow. Not sure what else I can do. I've been looking into yoga. Not just to troll... I'm a health nut and would enjoy the challenge.

[Teknoe]

I really need to find another girl though!

 

Just my 2 cents, I could be way off so take it for what it's worth. you might be obsessed with the idea of finding a girl rather than actually being in love with a girl. when i read the quote above an inner voice just shouted out "you need to take a break and maybe focus on other things other than girls."

 

i've been like you too where i just want to find a new crush after the last failed one. trust me, women can smell desperation a mile away. obviously i could be way off here, but just me 2 cents.

[Jame22]

Just my 2 cents, I could be way off so take it for what it's worth. you might be obsessed with the idea of finding a girl rather than actually being in love with a girl. when i read the quote above an inner voice just shouted out "you need to take a break and maybe focus on other things other than girls."

 

i've been like you too where i just want to find a new crush after the last failed one. trust me, women can smell desperation a mile away. obviously i could be way off here, but just me 2 cents.

 

I skimmed your post. Way too much reading haha, but from what I could tell it it didn't end well? Moral of the story; never try to be friends with someone you have feelings for & vice versa. Eventually both parties get eventually pissy and defensive.

 

Avoiding the friendzone... much much easier said than done.

 

"find another girl" or "just focus on becoming a better man and forget about dating for a while."

 

I am desperate, I admit it. But I think even having at least one romantic prospect available at all times, no matter how small, keeps me sane. I'm in a better place when I'm talking to a girl. I'm happier, healthier and motivated. In my situation It's kind of a catch 22 to just focus on becoming a better man.

 

When I was dating the girl in the post I was more confident than I've ever been in my life (which isn't saying much, but It's still progression). Even though things ended poorly I feel like I grew...another reason why I feel like finding another girl would only be a positive.

 

When there's no new prospects that's when the creepy letters start flying off the pen and on to the paper.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Jame22

[Teknoe]

I skimmed your post. Way too much reading haha, but from what I could tell it it didn't end well? Moral of the story; never try to be friends with someone you have feelings for & vice versa. Eventually both parties get eventually pissy and defensive.

 

Avoiding the friendzone... much much easier said than done.

 

"find another girl" or "just focus on becoming a better man and forget about dating for a while."

 

I am desperate, I admit it. But I think even having at least one romantic prospect available at all times, no matter how small, keeps me sane. I'm in a better place when I'm talking to a girl. I'm happier, healthier and motivated. In my situation It's kind of a catch 22 to just focus on becoming a better man.

 

When I was dating the girl in the post I was more confident than I've ever been in my life (which isn't saying much, but It's still progression). Even though things ended poorly I feel like I grew...another reason why I feel like finding another girl would only be a positive.

 

When there's no new prospects that's when the creepy letters start flying off the pen and on to the paper.

 

I know where you're coming from. I wish you all the best. May you find that which you seek.

[Jame22]

Damn, still learning here. I write too much. Long emails and long texts. I need to cut back, even though I think writing is a big part of my identity/personality and I think it'll always be a part of me. I just like to express myself through written words. Sometimes that has gotten me in trouble, though

 

Whenever I get long emails/texts from girls it's a huge turnoff. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself in the shoes of the receiver but when you do reality sets in.

 

About two years ago, I had this girl all over me. It was obvious she was interested. We went on one casual movie date, but I just wasn't physically attracted to her and I didn't even like her personality so even a friendship was out of the question. She'd text me, I'd give her short disinterested answers. One day she vented with a facebook post; "People who want to be in your life will make an effort to do so. I'm tired of putting myself out there and looking like a fool."

 

To this day I'm pretty sure that post was about me. Not one care...i just don't care. Never talked to her again.

 

So I guess know what it feels to be on the opposing end.

 

If somebody just doesn't like you, no amount of words will ever change their mind.

Edited November 25, 2013 by Jame22

[Teknoe]

Whenever I get long emails/texts from girls it's a huge turnoff. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself in the shoes of the receiver but when you do reality sets in.

 

About two years ago, I had this girl all over me. It was obvious she was interested. We went on one casual movie date, but I just wasn't physically attracted to her and I didn't even like her personality so even a friendship was out of the question. She'd text me, I'd give her short disinterested answers. One day she vented with a facebook post; "People who want to be in your life will make an effort to do so. I'm tired of putting myself out there and looking like a fool."

 

To this day I'm pretty sure that post was about me. Not one care...i just don't care. Never talked to her again.

 

So I guess know what it feels to be on the opposing end.

 

If somebody just doesn't like you, no amount of words will ever change their mind.

 

+1

 

Funny thing is, we're on the receiving end of it, but we've put girls on the other side of it, too. And in those instances we might feel a little bad or guilty but ultimately, both you and I were just thinking "Gosh, can she stop already"

 

Now flip that on us. For the girls we DO like, but don't see us that way back.

 

It's "Gosh, can he stop already"

 

Harrowing reality, isn't it. So I'm glad you have decided to stop trying with this girl. When it's done, it's done. Let it die and move on.