Jame22 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Long story short she friend-zoned me. I played the friendship game for a few months and then I stopped initiating contact. Three months later she sent me a message saying that she wanted to be on good terms and to let her know If I'm ever in town. Should I respond with this message? "Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!" any other suggestions?
ChessPieceFace Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Well, it's never going to get you with her, and rules out anything else, therefore it's a bad message. Maybe if you could find a way to express most of that with 1/3 of the verbage it would sound better.
MalachiX Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Kinda hard without know more about your history. From what you say, it sounds like she just wasn't interested. It also doesn't sound like she lead you on. What you're saying makes it seem like you still think you can win her over which and that by limiting contact, this will make her want you. I don't think that's gonna work (of course, I don't know). Is it really going to hurt you that much to have her as a friend? You never had a real relationship so it's not like there are scars or anything. It's up to you but cutting every woman out of your life who doesn't want to date you isn't all that useful. 1
Author Jame22 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Kinda hard without know more about your history. From what you say, it sounds like she just wasn't interested. It also doesn't sound like she lead you on. What you're saying makes it seem like you still think you can win her over which and that by limiting contact, this will make her want you. I don't think that's gonna work (of course, I don't know). Is it really going to hurt you that much to have her as a friend? You never had a real relationship so it's not like there are scars or anything. It's up to you but cutting every woman out of your life who doesn't want to date you isn't all that useful. We dated for about a month...My best guess is that she went cold because either I was moving too slow or there was another guy. Still not sure. I have a few female friends that I'm happy to have but I could never be friends with this one. I'm always going to feel like I moved too slow and missed her window.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 This response would be a lot better: "sure" No capitals, no punctuation. No clingy creepy endless goings on about all the details of the machinations of your mind and relationship boundary drawing she doesn't care about. Maybe regain some self-respect in the process (along with not contacting her for a long time.) In a few months or whatever, if you go back to her town, send her a message out of the blue asking her to some activity. Another very short message. Less is really so much more. More is usually creepy. GL. 9
MalachiX Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 We dated for about a month...My best guess is that she went cold because either I was moving too slow or there was another guy. Still not sure. I have a few female friends that I'm happy to have but I could never be friends with this one. I'm always going to feel like I moved too slow and missed her window. That changes things a little but not a lot. It doesn't sound like she mislead you or wronged you in any way. It's totally your call on this but I don't know if going all scorched Earth is useful. I don't think it's going to win her back. Even if she did move on because you were too slow that's not going to change with you playing hard to get. If you don't think you can hang out with her then be polite but brief. Don't try to act tough or distant. Just avoid contact politely if she comes to town. Give an excuse and hope she doesn't take it further. If she does, just be honest without throwing in the offer to date (cuz that does sound desperate). Simply say, "It's not your fault but I still feel a bit awkward after we dated. Hopefully it won't last." That said, I still don't know if you really want to write this girl off. I had a HUGE crush on someone for almost a year and I think we came close to dating only to have a mix of my insecurity and her gaurdness (after he last relationship crumbled) mess things up. By the time I got passed all of that she had found someone else. Ironically, it was a guy who I consider a friend; not one who I see a lot but who I have a lot of respect for and think is a great dude (largely because he's a lot like me). At first, that drove me nuts that she'd ended up with someone SO MUCH LIKE ME!!! However, I quickly realized that I still respected this girl and the other guy and I didn't see any value in cutting two cool people out of my life. We don't see each other a tone but I usually run into them every month or two at some gathering with our mutual friends. I still like catching up with them and like the conversation because they're both great people. I even worked with them on a film last summer. I have to admit it stung a bit at first but it's gotten A LOT easier as time has gone by (and my very strong feelings for the girl have slowly diminished). I think I made the right choice and I'm glad I can still hang out with these guys. 1
Gottabestrong Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Should I respond with this message? "Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!" any other suggestions? I liked your message until the last sentence. If you really don't want to be in contact with her (and are not just playing hard to get) then tell her you are not interested in a friendship. If you don't want to end all contact completely, I would say something like: 'Sure'. Then don't contact her again until you are really ready to be her friend or till she gets in touch again. Good luck!
Author Jame22 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 I went ahead and sent the message. She didn't reply & ended up deleting me from facebook. It hurts a little, but It had to be done. Looking back I probably should of called her first to gauge her mood. Not responding really wasn't a great option for me. I really can't leave things hanging, especially with people I care about. Overall I think I'm still better off though. She never really warmed up to me even when we we're 'friends.'
Shepp Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Should I respond with this message? "Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!" any other suggestions? Well what do you want the message to do? If you just want to say goodbye then that's fine. If you still want her to go out with you then there's no point sending a message like that - put yourself out there and risk something. Otherwise just "that sounds good" would do.
Author Jame22 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 (edited) If you still want her to go out with you then there's no point sending a message like that - put yourself out there and risk something. I already did. 3 months ago when we were still talking I sent her a text; "You know I want you...when can I see you again? :)" Didn't get a response (until yesterday) when she sent me a message about catching up and being on good terms. Like I said before I probably should of called her to gauge her mood. But overall I'm pretty sure she still wasn't interested in being anything more than friends. Edited November 22, 2013 by Jame22
odin673 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I went ahead and sent the message. She didn't reply & ended up deleting me from facebook. It hurts a little, but It had to be done. Looking back I probably should of called her first to gauge her mood. Not responding really wasn't a great option for me. I really can't leave things hanging, especially with people I care about. Overall I think I'm still better off though. She never really warmed up to me even when we we're 'friends.' You are better off but shouldn't have sent that message. Hopefully you learned your lesson for next time.
colombiana28 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 yikes. bad move. definitely would have gone with the cool, confident "sure" 6
Shepp Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I already did. 3 months ago when we were still talking I sent her a text; "You know I want you...when can I see you again? :)" Didn't get a response (until yesterday) when she sent me a message about catching up and being on good terms. Like I said before I probably should of called her to gauge her mood. But overall I'm pretty sure she still wasn't interested in being anything more than friends. I know this is in the past now but You know I want you...when can I see you again? Wasn't quite what I was getting at by risk something, I meant more a big play to win the girl! I hate quoting myself here but this worked for me - wasn't cool, smooth, or chilled, it was way soppy and probably shattered my street cred but you know, I wake up next to the girl of my dreams every day! That was more what I was getting at. Having said that if she didn't reply she probably wasn't intrested but if was really crazy crazy for a girl (i dunno if you were or werent on her) I like to know i tried. 1
Author Jame22 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 I know this is in the past now but You know I want you...when can I see you again? Wasn't quite what I was getting at by risk something, I meant more a big play to win the girl! I hate quoting myself here but this worked for me - wasn't cool, smooth, or chilled, it was way soppy and probably shattered my street cred but you know, I wake up next to the girl of my dreams every day! That was more what I was getting at. Having said that if she didn't reply she probably wasn't intrested but if was really crazy crazy for a girl (i dunno if you were or werent on her) I like to know i tried. WOW! you went through a lot man! makes my problem look dumb. Unfortunately a list like that would of sent my girl running for the hills! I liked her a lot but I was no where near love. I just wanted another date to or two to have fun and "prove" myself. After being rejected I felt like she'd never respect me as a man and It was driving me insane. Had to get her out of my life. I know that sounds cold, immature and bitter...but it is what it is.
Shepp Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I know that sounds cold, immature and bitter...but it is what it is. Not at all, it's fair! You have to judge It on a relationship by relationship thing, if she's not...the one for up you, then it's no biggy - you can move on from here.
MalachiX Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Ok, I hate it when people tell you what you should have done after the fact, so feel free to ignore this post. It sounds to me like you got caught into a very easy trap of trying too hard to do the tough/cool thing you hear male dating experts espouse. You probably let it mess with your head that she seemed to lose interest so you overcompensated. You probably heard all these guys online who say that you "be a man," show her you're sexual and not just a friend, and try to get her to chase you. That's probably why you sent her a message saying, "I want you" which most likely came across to her that you're just interested in sex. Then you decided to assert yourself further and refuse to be friends with her (also perhaps because this is what some of these gurus advise). I'm no expert but I think a lot of these strategies are actually self destructive. They seem to be designed for women with low self esteem and I don't think they're going to lead you to a healthy relationship. I don't this girl (or you) but it really seems like you were so invested in asserting your manhood and not being a "nice guy" that you probably ended any future chances with her. Keep in mind that there are ways to be assertive that are still sincere and don't make you sound like a player. For instance: Don't Say: "You know I want you...when can I see you again? " Do Say: "Maybe I wasn't clear before but I like you. Can I see you again?" Don't Say: "Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!" Do Say: "Hey, I'm sorry but it's a little tough because I think I still have feelings for yo. It's not your fault but it's going to take a little while for me to be ready for friendship." 2
Titania22 Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 "You know I want you...when can I see you again? :)" Aren't you the big romantic? I can't imagine why she didn't contact you immediately. You really opened up and made yourself vulnerable.
Lansing Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Not sure why you didn't listen to the posters here and NOT send that message... Just for future reference, you need to think abut how you are coming across. That message you sent sounds creepy and puts her in an awkward position. You basically told her that you don't value her enough to be friends with her and just want to be with her in a physical relationship or nothing... I would have also said "Sure" and let HER make the effort. That way you will know it was her true intention to be actual friends with you. If she never followed up or suggested an outing the same thing would have happened (i.e. you never hang out again) but at least it put the ball in her court. Did you expect her to respond "wow, well, if you put it that way, yeah, lets date".... It is a good thing she deleted you off FB, you basically told her you didn't want anything to do with her. 1
Author Jame22 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Ok, I hate it when people tell you what you should have done after the fact, so feel free to ignore this post. It sounds to me like you got caught into a very easy trap of trying too hard to do the tough/cool thing you hear male dating experts espouse. You probably let it mess with your head that she seemed to lose interest so you overcompensated. You probably heard all these guys online who say that you "be a man," show her you're sexual and not just a friend, and try to get her to chase you. That's probably why you sent her a message saying, "I want you" which most likely came across to her that you're just interested in sex. Then you decided to assert yourself further and refuse to be friends with her (also perhaps because this is what some of these gurus advise). I'm no expert but I think a lot of these strategies are actually self destructive. They seem to be designed for women with low self esteem and I don't think they're going to lead you to a healthy relationship. I don't this girl (or you) but it really seems like you were so invested in asserting your manhood and not being a "nice guy" that you probably ended any future chances with her. Keep in mind that there are ways to be assertive that are still sincere and don't make you sound like a player. For instance: Don't Say: "You know I want you...when can I see you again? " Do Say: "Maybe I wasn't clear before but I like you. Can I see you again?" Don't Say: "Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!" Do Say: "Hey, I'm sorry but it's a little tough because I think I still have feelings for yo. It's not your fault but it's going to take a little while for me to be ready for friendship." Whoa!! I feel like you're right on! I thought I'd feel better after sending it...but now that reality has set in all I feel is guilt. She was a sweet, genuine girl who couldn't give me what I wanted. I should of never laid that on her. Should of kept my mouth shut probably digging myself into an even deeper hole! but...I just sent this message "that wording was a little rude. I guess what i wanted to say was that I need a little space. but I don't want to cut contact forever!" Isn't life grand?
Author Jame22 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Not sure why you didn't listen to the posters here and NOT send that message... Just for future reference, you need to think abut how you are coming across. That message you sent sounds creepy and puts her in an awkward position. You basically told her that you don't value her enough to be friends with her and just want to be with her in a physical relationship or nothing... I would have also said "Sure" and let HER make the effort. That way you will know it was her true intention to be actual friends with you. If she never followed up or suggested an outing the same thing would have happened (i.e. you never hang out again) but at least it put the ball in her court. Did you expect her to respond "wow, well, if you put it that way, yeah, lets date".... It is a good thing she deleted you off FB, you basically told her you didn't want anything to do with her. It was too late...I confidently/foolishly sent it before asking questions.
todreaminblue Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 Long story short she friend-zoned me. I played the friendship game for a few months and then I stopped initiating contact. Three months later she sent me a message saying that she wanted to be on good terms and to let her know If I'm ever in town. Should I respond with this message? "Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I’m not mad or anything and I am on good terms, but I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! but unfortunately that’s all I’d be comfortable with. Sorry!" any other suggestions? Hey, I want to let you know that all the friendship stuff just wasn't working for me. I think it’s best if we keep contact to a minimum. If you ever want to go on a date sometime I’d love that! Take care and I wish you well. "
Author Jame22 Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Aren't you the big romantic? I can't imagine why she didn't contact you immediately. You really opened up and made yourself vulnerable. Yes I was..didn't work. Had to try sexy hence "I want you"
befriendlyplease Posted November 23, 2013 Posted November 23, 2013 I went ahead and sent the message. She didn't reply & ended up deleting me from facebook. It hurts a little, but It had to be done. Looking back I probably should of called her first to gauge her mood. Not responding really wasn't a great option for me. I really can't leave things hanging, especially with people I care about. Overall I think I'm still better off though. She never really warmed up to me even when we we're 'friends.' Nice. I used to do that type of thing. You'll probably end up deciding to handle things better next time, but I bet you didn't miss out on anything by reacting emotionally.
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