things changed from Day 1!!

[Idealistic]

Hello everyone, I'm not used to sharing my personal stories on forums, but I'm really confused, and would appreciate to hear your opinions, or your stories if similar things happened to you.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months, the relationship was a roller coaster because his situation was a little complicated, but we really loved each other. He was very passionate at first, and wanted to speed up things (moving together having children, etc.). But I preferred to wait, because he was in the middle of a breakup, and still living with his ex at that time.

 

A week ago he moved to another continent for work. He was a little cold before leaving, but I tried to be understanding and supportive because I didn't want to be an extra source of stress for him.

We said we'd keep in touch but did not talk about the practical aspect of things (calling, Skype, etc.).

He sent me an e-mail two days after arriving, he said nothing special, "I made it safely, the weather is great here, I'll be doing this and that blabla how are you?"

I was a little disappointed when I received the e-mail, there were no emotions at all although he's very good at expressing them usually (unlike me). I said nothing about it, told him it was very good to hear from him, I was glad he's having fun, I was fine and was also doing this and that, and I asked him about work.

He answered 5 days later!! literally saying "How are you? I have met so many great people already!!" WOW, this answer is just too much for me. I though of all the possible answers I could give.

1) pretend everything is normal, and answer nicely (won't work for me).

2) play games, and answer a week later saying I'm fine, great for you! (but I don't feel like playing games).

3) be open about it, and say that I don't like the way things are evolving. But I know he can communicate better than that when he really wants to and I can only assume that he's doing it on purpose, so I don't feel like talking about it would have any positive effect.

4) just don't answer. It will hurt (probably both of us), but may be some things are just not meant to be!

 

Help please!

[ConstantVoyager]

The truth is, five months probably isn't long enough to establish a relationship that can survive extreme long distance.

 

I'd bail, but that's just me.

[Iguanna]

Of course the road to choose would be honesty. People should learn that they don't have the right to treat people who love them badly and they should show some respect. Most of the times we don't react to such behavior cause we want to keep our dignity, but this way we give them the green light that they can act like this as much as they want, not only to us but to future partners as well. I suggest you call him and tell him your complaints and demand an explanation. I hate it when people let you understand with their behavior that they don't want you anymore, they want to break up, they are angry etc. We are humans and we are supposed to communicate. Make him explain things to you and then wish him luck in life and disappear. Don't stay there waiting for him.

[Idealistic]

I usually would go for honesty, I'm a very straightforward person in general. So of course I won't accept this behavior, but I'm so disappointed, that I don't see the point of asking for an explanation. If he wants to keep me guessing what's going on, I might as well leave him guessing why I'm not asking for more...

[madjac74]

I think you should wait for another email. He met some great new people right? I suppose his responses or lack of responses would tell you how you rank with his new "friends"

[soccerrprp]

Sorry, OP. You've known each for ONLY 5-months, you two made no plans to communicate regularly and no plans on how to handle visiting. It sounds like he going to find other interests, people while there and not truly interested in a LTR.

 

Also, it didn't sound like the two of you had a sound, firm relationship anyway. You said it was a roller-coaster.....hardly a foundation to consider a LTR.

[CherryT]

The first problem is going for someone who was in the "middle" of a break up and still living with his ex. Too close and too much baggage.

 

I always find it interesting when posts say "but we love each other" to justify the behaviour they're about to explain. If he loved you, he wouldn't be waiting days to respond to you. I've been in a LDR for years and when my F and I were BF/GF we both would travel a lot for work. Sometimes he would have 28 hour travel days… but the second he got off a plane he would turn on his phone send a "Hi honey, I made is safe. I love you. Just heading to the hotel will write you more when I get there" message.

 

I think with his lack of communication and affection when he communicates, it may be safe to say that your 5-month fling is wearing off.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hello everyone, I'm not used to sharing my personal stories on forums, but I'm really confused, and would appreciate to hear your opinions, or your stories if similar things happened to you.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months, the relationship was a roller coaster because his situation was a little complicated, but we really loved each other. He was very passionate at first, and wanted to speed up things (moving together having children, etc.). But I preferred to wait, because he was in the middle of a breakup, and still living with his ex at that time.

 

A week ago he moved to another continent for work. He was a little cold before leaving, but I tried to be understanding and supportive because I didn't want to be an extra source of stress for him.

We said we'd keep in touch but did not talk about the practical aspect of things (calling, Skype, etc.).

He sent me an e-mail two days after arriving, he said nothing special, "I made it safely, the weather is great here, I'll be doing this and that blabla how are you?"

I was a little disappointed when I received the e-mail, there were no emotions at all although he's very good at expressing them usually (unlike me). I said nothing about it, told him it was very good to hear from him, I was glad he's having fun, I was fine and was also doing this and that, and I asked him about work.

He answered 5 days later!! literally saying "How are you? I have met so many great people already!!" WOW, this answer is just too much for me. I though of all the possible answers I could give.

1) pretend everything is normal, and answer nicely (won't work for me).

2) play games, and answer a week later saying I'm fine, great for you! (but I don't feel like playing games).

3) be open about it, and say that I don't like the way things are evolving. But I know he can communicate better than that when he really wants to and I can only assume that he's doing it on purpose, so I don't feel like talking about it would have any positive effect.

4) just don't answer. It will hurt (probably both of us), but may be some things are just not meant to be!

 

Help please!

 

I find it quite alarming that you take greater comfort in communicating with US more than the man you are in a relationship with. If something as rudimentary as discussing NEEDS causes "stress" I don't know what to tell you.

 

Not to be mean but you sound like you were voluntarily the rebound girl. You served as an emotional cushion to help him deal with the break up at hand. It was a roller coaster because he didn't fully get over his ex or process the situation before dating you. He jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

 

If neither one of you felt the need to discuss BASIC things like communication and a future BEFORE his departure, suffice to say the relationship has run its course. 5 months is relatively short to put that much into it unless someone makes a stellar impression (judging from the "roller coaster" state I doubt it).

 

Sorry but first you need to communicate this to HIM not US; ask him where do the two of you go from here, how you will work out visitation, etc. I have a hard time believing though he will put that much sacrifice into a shaky relationship of only 5 months and being that he was STILL in the middle of a break up all while moving to another continent. I don't get why people volunteer to be rebounds unless the other party initially withholds this info. "Keeping in touch" is way to VAGUE as a game plan to maintain a LDR. He does not take you seriously.

[justwhoiam]

A week ago he moved to another continent for work.

What kind of work? Like he's a worker at sea or on some oil platform? Or is he working in an office with his own laptop? Because the options can make a huge difference.

 

I mean, if he's in front of a PC all day long, he should write every day! No excuse possible.

 

We said we'd keep in touch but did not talk about the practical aspect of things (calling, Skype, etc.).

Big mistake.

 

WOW, this answer is just too much for me.

I hear ya. Many men would find it normal and even nice! So I guess it's no big deal from a man's point of you.

 

I though of all the possible answers I could give.

...

Help please!

I don't know. You should do what you feel it's the right thing to do. My first reaction would be not answering. Then, after a while, which could be the end of the day, the next day, or after two days, I would put a few lines together, being very honest about how I feel.

 

By the way: what did you do in the end?

[LindaMcGrath]

Hello everyone, I'm not used to sharing my personal stories on forums, but I'm really confused, and would appreciate to hear your opinions, or your stories if similar things happened to you.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months, the relationship was a roller coaster because his situation was a little complicated, but we really loved each other. He was very passionate at first, and wanted to speed up things (moving together having children, etc.). But I preferred to wait, because he was in the middle of a breakup, and still living with his ex at that time.

 

A week ago he moved to another continent for work. He was a little cold before leaving, but I tried to be understanding and supportive because I didn't want to be an extra source of stress for him.

We said we'd keep in touch but did not talk about the practical aspect of things (calling, Skype, etc.).

He sent me an e-mail two days after arriving, he said nothing special, "I made it safely, the weather is great here, I'll be doing this and that blabla how are you?"

I was a little disappointed when I received the e-mail, there were no emotions at all although he's very good at expressing them usually (unlike me). I said nothing about it, told him it was very good to hear from him, I was glad he's having fun, I was fine and was also doing this and that, and I asked him about work.

He answered 5 days later!! literally saying "How are you? I have met so many great people already!!" WOW, this answer is just too much for me. I though of all the possible answers I could give.

1) pretend everything is normal, and answer nicely (won't work for me).

2) play games, and answer a week later saying I'm fine, great for you! (but I don't feel like playing games).

3) be open about it, and say that I don't like the way things are evolving. But I know he can communicate better than that when he really wants to and I can only assume that he's doing it on purpose, so I don't feel like talking about it would have any positive effect.

4) just don't answer. It will hurt (probably both of us), but may be some things are just not meant to be!

 

Help please!

 

I recognize a lot of your issues. I only knew my boyfriend for a little while too (4 months, 2.5 as an official couple) before he left. We have our issues but he's been gone for 3 months and we're still going strong (most of the time). So don't get discouraged, if a 2.5 month relationship can survive, than so can a 5 month one.

 

I too was supportive and cheerful before he left, since I didn't want him to leave with feelings of guilt. That was my first mistake. A month after he left he started to get distant and cold too. He kept delaying replying to my messages and became less and less involved in my life, with me initiating contact most of the time. That doesn't mean I loved him less. It broke my heart. I too considered all the options you suggest, and I went with honesty. We had a very emotional 3-hour Skype call in which I confessed all of my worries and insecurities. He was humbled, speechless, sad and a little heartbroken. He hadn't realised, due to my cheery appearance, that I felt very depressed and hopeless. He thought, because of my cheery appearance, that I was doing great. It's the reason he let me be most of time, while that was exactly the thing I didn't need.

 

So no, don't play games or ignore him, it'll only hurt the both of you. Be honest, it's the best way to find out if the relationship will last.

 

I hope this helped a little. Good luck!