JBrigg916 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 First off long time no see Anyway I have been seeing this girl, Rose, things seemed to be going well - I thought they were dates she even came over for dinner which I cooked, but later turned out to be mixed signals (since we're both new to it) xD Well I finally told her what I needed to....well she told me since I couldn't get it out properly but she new what I was trying to say. We went for coffee and talked for probably just over 2 hours, where she basically said that she really really likes me and has feelings for me but wants to think of me as a brother and best friend only because she doesn't want to risk things becoming awkward for the 4 years we are together at college where if we break up or something happens between us; as we hang out together alot an have the same group of friends. (During the coffee, when we were talking - mainly when I was letting her know how I felt, she said that she has feelings for me) I've told her that my feelings for her will stay the same and my attitude will not change towards her, like I'll treat her the same, but I won't act on those feelings and will also aim to be the best friend she can have. Was that OK to say? And that is about it really was just wanting to know your thoughts is this the dreaded friendzone? xD Either way I'm quite happy so far, she said I had all the right qualities and I have looks and had/has? feelings for me First time and it was a success in my books And I get a best girl friend that I can talk to about anything and be close too (in a friends way)
Blade96 Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Yay, win! I'd say treasure her as one of your besties and, since you both have feelings, if everything goes well at college you very well might end up dating. If not - you still have your bestie! Sounds like a win either way. 3
DrSimple Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 Yeah that is definitely the friendzone, there is no way to sugarcoat it. The question remains though, what is your motivation with this girl? Do you want a good friend or do you want a lover? If you want a lover you will have to risk the friendship because if you don't take the risk, she will continue to leave you in the friendzone. You either succeed and become a lover, or fail and become no one. If you want to be he friend be her friend, but don't expect things to evolve. This girl has made it clear that A: She likes you enough that she doesn't want to lose your friendship by risking a relationship. If this is the real reason you can put pressure by distancing yourself and trying to initiate a relationship by showing her you want a relationship or nothing. B: She isn't actually interested in you romantically, but thinks of you platonicly and never plans to take it to another level. This is the more likely scenario. Now if you want to try and win her over on the long term by playing the friend, it IS possible but VERY unlikely. She has already made her judgement. 2
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Yeah that is definitely the friendzone, there is no way to sugarcoat it. The question remains though, what is your motivation with this girl? Do you want a good friend or do you want a lover? If you want a lover you will have to risk the friendship because if you don't take the risk, she will continue to leave you in the friendzone. You either succeed and become a lover, or fail and become no one. If you want to be he friend be her friend, but don't expect things to evolve. This girl has made it clear that A: She likes you enough that she doesn't want to lose your friendship by risking a relationship. If this is the real reason you can put pressure by distancing yourself and trying to initiate a relationship by showing her you want a relationship or nothing. B: She isn't actually interested in you romantically, but thinks of you platonicly and never plans to take it to another level. This is the more likely scenario. Now if you want to try and win her over on the long term by playing the friend, it IS possible but VERY unlikely. She has already made her judgement. She had said that she has feelings for me, as more than friends, but the only reason she doesn't want a relationship is because she doesn't want things to become awkward the 4 years we are together on the same course in the same class; we also are in the same group of friends so I can understand where she is coming from. So personally I think it's A, but not from just what I've already stated but what me and her talked about for 2 hours at the cafe. But no I am not going to ruin things at the minute, I aim to be the best friend I can and respect what she wants for the time being and maybe in a few years then something may happen.
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 How old are you? If you are still in HS it is possible that you will come out of the friendzone. If you are over 25, give up.
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 How old are you? If you are still in HS it is possible that you will come out of the friendzone. If you are over 25, give up. We're both in the same age range, I'm 18 and she's 19. And I'm just curious as to what you guys and gals think, I really really like her but am happy to saty as one of her very best friends
DrSimple Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 She had said that she has feelings for me, as more than friends, but the only reason she doesn't want a relationship is because she doesn't want things to become awkward the 4 years we are together on the same course in the same class; we also are in the same group of friends so I can understand where she is coming from. So personally I think it's A, but not from just what I've already stated but what me and her talked about for 2 hours at the cafe. But no I am not going to ruin things at the minute, I aim to be the best friend I can and respect what she wants for the time being and maybe in a few years then something may happen. So your motivation is wanting a relationship. You would rather wait, play the friend, and hope for the best. Don't do it my friend. She has made it clear that she isn't interested in a relationship. She says she has "feelings" for you, even if she does they are clearly not up to the level of wanting more. She feels comfortable around you, she doesn't want you to leave. If she had actual interest in you, you wouldn't be in the friendzone. If you want to hang around and be her friend, you are only going to be torturing yourself by being hung up on this girl. Make or break the situation. If you continue to dwell on a fantasy with this girl, you won't find a healthy relationship with another girl during that time. 2
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 So your motivation is wanting a relationship. You would rather wait, play the friend, and hope for the best. Don't do it my friend. She has made it clear that she isn't interested in a relationship. She says she has "feelings" for you, even if she does they are clearly not up to the level of wanting more. She feels comfortable around you, she doesn't want you to leave. If she had actual interest in you, you wouldn't be in the friendzone. If you want to hang around and be her friend, you are only going to be torturing yourself by being hung up on this girl. Make or break the situation. If you continue to dwell on a fantasy with this girl, you won't find a healthy relationship with another girl during that time. I do want a relationship, I would've liked one with her, but I never said I was going to wait around for her xD I'm sure I will find someone soon I'm not dwelling on the girl either, as I have stated before, I was just curious as to what people thought of the situation. I am actually very happy that we can still be best friends and the whole thing hasn't become awkward
DrSimple Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I do want a relationship, I would've liked one with her, but I never said I was going to wait around for her xD I'm sure I will find someone soon I'm not dwelling on the girl either, as I have stated before, I was just curious as to what people thought of the situation. I am actually very happy that we can still be best friends and the whole thing hasn't become awkward Excellent! That is very good. Just be careful that through further contact with this girl that you do not let your feelings grow as that is where the danger zone is. My question would be though. If you are her friend, when you get in a relationship with someone else will you still be her friend? Think about that 1
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Excellent! That is very good. Just be careful that through further contact with this girl that you do not let your feelings grow as that is where the danger zone is. My question would be though. If you are her friend, when you get in a relationship with someone else will you still be her friend? Think about that I've already told her that my feelings towards her won't change, like my attitude and how I treat her, but I won't act out on them and I will think of her as on eof my very best friends. To answer your second point, why would me being in a relationship with someone else affect our friendship? I will always be her best friend first and foremost
DrSimple Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 I've already told her that my feelings towards her won't change, like my attitude and how I treat her, but I won't act out on them and I will think of her as on eof my very best friends. To answer your second point, why would me being in a relationship with someone else affect our friendship? I will always be her best friend first and foremost I find that people can have great intentions of being friends with someone they have feelings for, but if they get in a relationship things can get compromised. Is it appropriate to be a friend with someone you have feelings for while in a relationship? Some say yes, some no. Regardless the situation can get sticky when you throw in the logic of the new person you are dating. Do you want to compromise your own future girlfriends at the expense of hanging around with someone who let you go?
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 I find that people can have great intentions of being friends with someone they have feelings for, but if they get in a relationship things can get compromised. Is it appropriate to be a friend with someone you have feelings for while in a relationship? Some say yes, some no. Regardless the situation can get sticky when you throw in the logic of the new person you are dating. Do you want to compromise your own future girlfriends at the expense of hanging around with someone who let you go? See now if I was someone other than myself I would kind of agree with you, but I've had to deal with moving on my whole life; as every two or three years I had to move to new places, I lost many friends I had made but I learned to move on easily. I think I will, eventually, think of her as just my very best friend
todreaminblue Posted November 22, 2013 Posted November 22, 2013 i dont know this girls true intentions...i do feel the best relationships are developed from a firm friendship......in place .......doesnt mean you aren tattracted to that person it means you dont act on it....i do feel there needs to be a distinction between friends who are dating and friends who are not when it becomes courting or dating to me that is above friendship and my lines are distinct and know to oppostie sex friends i have........because intimate feelings are there for me with someone i consider i am dating..... again not acted on bar cuddles or kissing.....holding hands......sort of old fashioned but i think this isnt being friendzoned...it does needto be discussed so you are on the same page.......boundaries ascertained between simple friends and something more than friends dating......for me its easy because there is only ever one more than a friend for me...i take my time...smilin..deb
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Ok so I found that I may be in the 'brotherzone', what is the best course of action to take? I really really like her, she would've been my first, but she told me she "thinks of me as a brother". So I don't know what to do.... If we can't be together as bf and gf I'd liek to keep her as my best friend...but I really really hurt... What should I do?
MalachiX Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 You're kinda stuck dude. It's not your fault but there's not a whole lot you can do to change it. If she says she thinks of you as a brother then you're definatly out. Here's something to remember for the future: When Someone Says This: I have feelings for you but I don't want to risk our friendship. It Means This: I don't want to risk our friendship because there's NO CHANCE that I'd really be in a long term relationship with you. If I really thought you might be the one, I'd risk it in a heart-beat. Now, there's a lot of reasons why someone may think you're not relationship material. Maybe she just doesn't have any romantic feelings for you. Maybe she is a little attracted to you but don't think your personalities would mesh as a couple. Maybe you remind her too much of an ex boyfriend. No matter what the reason, she sees that any relationship with you would fail which would then perhaps ruin your friendship. 2
carhill Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 OP, what you have here is a wonderfully pleasant life lesson in dealing with women. Think of it as a great gift. Now, go out there, keeping in mind everything you learned here, and find a woman who truly likes you and finds you sexy and attractive. This one does not. Good luck. 2
MalachiX Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Ok so I found that I may be in the 'brotherzone', what is the best course of action to take? I really really like her, she would've been my first, but she told me she "thinks of me as a brother". So I don't know what to do.... If we can't be together as bf and gf I'd liek to keep her as my best friend...but I really really hurt... What should I do? If it really hurts then you can take some time off from each other. I think what people in your place seem to forget is that being nice doesn't mean you can't be assertive. You can say, "I'm sorry but I DO have feelings for you. You don't owe me anything and it's totally cool if you don't feel the same way. I'm just going to need a little space. I care about our friendship too so I think I need to get a little perspective on this." Or something like that. The down side is that, by taking a break, it still might end the friendship. However, if you keep hanging out with her while you're crushing and she's not, it's going to probably make you miserable in the long run and subvert the friendship anyway.
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 You're kinda stuck dude. It's not your fault but there's not a whole lot you can do to change it. If she says she thinks of you as a brother then you're definatly out. Here's something to remember for the future: When Someone Says This: I have feelings for you but I don't want to risk our friendship. It Means This: I don't want to risk our friendship because there's NO CHANCE that I'd really be in a long term relationship with you. If I really thought you might be the one, I'd risk it in a heart-beat. Now, there's a lot of reasons why someone may think you're not relationship material. Maybe she just doesn't have any romantic feelings for you. Maybe she is a little attracted to you but don't think your personalities would mesh as a couple. Maybe you remind her too much of an ex boyfriend. No matter what the reason, she sees that any relationship with you would fail which would then perhaps ruin your friendship. She did say she was attracted to me, but anyay that wasn't what I was trying to ask. What I was trying to ask was how should I deal with this, me and the girl (Rose) are in the same group of friends so we hang out a alot and see each other everyday at college. What should I do that will help cause I still want to friends with her? OP, what you have here is a wonderfully pleasant life lesson in dealing with women. Think of it as a great gift. Now, go out there, keeping in mind everything you learned here, and find a woman who truly likes you and finds you sexy and attractive. This one does not. Good luck. Well she said I had good looks and a great personality, she would date me but because I remind her too much of her brother so she wouldn't date me :c Anyway again how do I deal with being in the brotherzone, I kinda feel really hurt and I don't know how to proceed with this since I've never had it happen to me before. Since me and the Rose are in the same group of friends, so we hang out a alot and see each other everyday at college. What should I do cause I still would liek to keep her as one of my best friends?
anna121 Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 If you really want to keep her as one your best friends then remain friendly but get out there and date the hell out of other girls. You won't be able to be friends with her if you're hurt about being "brother-zoned". (eeeew). You need to get to the same emotional level. If not - forget it. That's the bottom line. 2
carhill Posted November 24, 2013 Posted November 24, 2013 Anyway again how do I deal with being in the brotherzone, I kinda feel really hurt and I don't know how to proceed with this since I've never had it happen to me before. It's easy. Just as before you met her, occupy yourself with your life, interests, friends and other people you meet. You're not on the same page with this young lady. Incompatible. Sucks but there it is. Since me and the Rose are in the same group of friends, so we hang out a alot and see each other everyday at college. Hang out with your friends and treat her like anyone else in your social circle because that's who she is. You chose to make her 'special'. You can make other choices. What should I do cause I still would liek to keep her as one of my best friends? I'll make you a deal. Think about making her a best friend when she introduces you to a hot girlfriend of hers to date. That's what best friends do. Looking forward to hearing about it and your successful dating exploits with a young lady who doesn't see you as a 'brother'. Don't disappoint! Enjoy! 1
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 (edited) It's easy. Just as before you met her, occupy yourself with your life, interests, friends and other people you meet. You're not on the same page with this young lady. Incompatible. Sucks but there it is. Hang out with your friends and treat her like anyone else in your social circle because that's who she is. You chose to make her 'special'. You can make other choices. I'll make you a deal. Think about making her a best friend when she introduces you to a hot girlfriend of hers to date. That's what best friends do. Looking forward to hearing about it and your successful dating exploits with a young lady who doesn't see you as a 'brother'. Don't disappoint! Enjoy! Thank you, this actually made me feel waay better Ok, so I'm just going to treat her the same as anyone else Also you are saying that if she introduces em to someone to date that is when she becomes my best friend? Edit: Also where do you think I had gone wrong? (Just for future reference. I had asked her when we were talking she said that "I hadn't done anything wrong, I had looks the great personality and I'm nice, she has feelings towards me but I remind her too much of her brother".) Edited November 24, 2013 by JBrigg916
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 24, 2013 Author Posted November 24, 2013 Dunno if this is ok but bump? :/
callingyouuu Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 Also you are saying that if she introduces em to someone to date that is when she becomes my best friend? I think the point right now is to get you to move on. Being best friends with her right now doesn't accomplish that. Edit: Also where do you think I had gone wrong? (Just for future reference. I had asked her when we were talking she said that "I hadn't done anything wrong, I had looks the great personality and I'm nice, she has feelings towards me but I remind her too much of her brother".) There's nothing you did wrong. She's just not interested enough right now. Nothing more, nothing less.
carhill Posted November 25, 2013 Posted November 25, 2013 You are saying that if she introduces em to someone to date that is when she becomes my best friend? My deal was to *think* about her being your best friend if something like I described happens. Good friends, and certainly best friends, sincerely care about your well-being and want the best for you, including in your romantic life. Also where do you think I had gone wrong? (Just for future reference. I had asked her when we were talking she said that "I hadn't done anything wrong, I had looks the great personality and I'm nice, she has feelings towards me but I remind her too much of her brother".) You didn't 'go wrong'. People feel what they feel. As you gain more life experience, and meet attractive women you have no romantic interest in, you'll understand her statements better. The main difference is, as a man, you're tasked to pursue women for romance, sex and procreation, so nature built you to cast a wider net so you'll necessarily 'pursue' fewer women for platonic friendships if you've been socialized traditionally. The best examples will be when you meet women who pursue you whom you do not find attractive but rather see them as really good people worthy of love and friendship. Everything in due time. Good luck.
Author JBrigg916 Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 My deal was to *think* about her being your best friend if something like I described happens. Good friends, and certainly best friends, sincerely care about your well-being and want the best for you, including in your romantic life. Well she has told me she could introduce me to a few people and pointed out some I may like....she even said she could be my wingwoman Also I have mostly moved on I still have some feelings for her but I think of her more as a very best friend than a potential lover.
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