KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Isn't that what we OW/OM are looking for here? Validation of our feelings?!
Mr Spock Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I know you're having a bit of a meltdown right now sweetness-you do really need to talk to him, but there is nothing to be done tonight. Please just relax and take it easy and call him tomorrow.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Yup, major meltdown. I'm trying to de-puff my face before going to bed though, so I'm in psychoanalyze mode. I refuse to call him. He must call to apologize.
fanou22 Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Hold your grounds KMT. He must apologize before you call him. We all come over here because we know that there are others who went/are going through what we are/did go through. Did you ever notice how he is blunt with you? Maybe that is the real him, being blunt while he tries to hide that from everyone else. You get bothered when does not protect your feelings maybe you should tell him to omit mentioning his W when he is talking with you. You definitely don't need to hear about it or her. Turn a deaf ear to the W's related storied or comments. I know you don't want to end it. One day you will on your own terms. Most likely by now he has realized that he loves you and he does not know what to do about it.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Fanou - he never talks about her directly. It's "someone" or "someone else" that he is referring to. "Are you going to be pissed at me like someone else is?" "I have got to be home by X or someone is going to be mad." "I don't want to upset someone by doing X" etc., etc. I think this is his very odd way of trying to not talk about her but having to, ya know? And yes, he is a very blunt guy. Tells it like it is. Just, obviously, not to her.
Mr Spock Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 He tells YOU about the strip clubs, about his feelings, because you are his confessor. You are his free therapist-he deals with his unhappiness in his marriage through you. He talks to you not because he wants to hurt you but because he's not married to you-and feels safe.
CrazyLola Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I refer to it as being "Gap Filler". You know, the stuff you use to fill the crack in walls. We fill the cracks in their unhappy marriages, and make it all better, bearable even, to our own detriment ... Question is: who makes it better for us?
Leaf Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 KMT - Hugs sweetie. I hope you are doing better today.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 I AM doing better today. MM and I had a long talk this morning. I now truly understand the boundaries of our relationship. I am clausterphobic, so I've got to grow the strength to move on.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 The strip club thing he didn't think anything about. The chocolate cake was actually a HUGE piece from Claim Jumper meant to serve 5 people that were at his house, and he WAS calling to talk to me and was excited he had an excuse. I.e., he wasn't thinking before he spoke, and now realizes and regrets hurting my feelings. That said, he believes I am beginning to want more than he is "able to give," and he is right. I asked him why he even crossed the line with me in the first place and why he continues being with me now, and he gave me this big old list of reasons why, all these things that make me "incredible." I told him that, based on what he wants or doesn't want or "can't give" me, he's not going to have this "incredible person" around for forever. He was confused, and I explained to him that given the boundaries he has set up, I am obviously not going to be around for forever... He was quiet at that. Just like the current weather here, it's like the quiet after the storm...but another cell is on its way...
Barby Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 KMT I'm confused about something, did you think he would leave his wife to "validate" your relationship? (No judgements I want to understand better instead of just advising blindly).
Barby Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Okay I don't know if you're not around or if ya just don't want to answer my post (which happens all too often) but I'll advise the best I can with the assumption your last post leaves me with (which I would rather know without assuming but oh well what's a girl to do??) You said.............. That said, he believes I am beginning to want more than he is "able to give," and he is right. I asked him why he even crossed the line with me in the first place and why he continues being with me now, and he gave me this big old list of reasons why, all these things that make me "incredible." I told him that, based on what he wants or doesn't want or "can't give" me, he's not going to have this "incredible person" around for forever. He was confused, and I explained to him that given the boundaries he has set up, I am obviously not going to be around for forever... He was quiet at that. To me that says... 1) you wanted him to leave his wife to be with you. 2) you expected that if you waited it out he'd fall helplessly in love with you and have no choice but to want to leave his family and make a life with you. 3) that you two would live "happily ever after" in a sense... So since he has flat out TOLD you now that it WON'T happen and that he CAN'T or basically WON'T (same difference in this case) give you what you want or desire from him then what other option do you have? It has been said many times and again your MM is just confirming this, he only wants you around as a "side fling" obviously your relationship is built on HIS needs and HIS needs ALONE...what you want or need does NOT matter to him because he isn't willing to give it to you... Where does this leave you... 1) continuing to be the side dish "OW" and wishing things would change but knowing they won't 2) trying to get him to change him mind, to no avail, wasting your life away "hoping" he'll come to his "senses" and realize it's you he wants. 3) Leave him and the "relationship" move on and find someone who can dedicate his life to you. 4) dump him and "hope" your absence will be the "wake up" call he needs to realize how much he needs you... I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. I hope you come to your senses soon and realize that you're replace-able to him (so it seems by his bahavior) and that you deserve better.
StillHurtin Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock He tells YOU about the strip clubs, about his feelings, because you are his confessor. You are his free therapist-he deals with his unhappiness in his marriage through you. He talks to you not because he wants to hurt you but because he's not married to you-and feels safe. I agree w/ Spock. I know that is what my own H did when he had his A while we were seperated. He went to the OW to talk to about our marriage problems. He felt he was safe to talk to her and she would be there to comfort him. The OW told me things that he would say to her about our marriage. Instead of coming to me and/or getting marriage counseling he went to her. It seems he maybe comparing you and his W by saying things like " Are you going to be pissed at me like someone else is?" Or maybe he is trying to use his W to make you jealous? Maybe he needs to validate your feelings for him by talking about his W to you to see what your reaction will be????
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by Barby So since he has flat out TOLD you now that it WON'T happen and that he CAN'T or basically WON'T (same difference in this case) give you what you want or desire from him then what other option do you have? No, he hasn't told me this flat out. He only said that he feels like I am wanting more than he can give me. I haven't even articulated to him what it is that I want (I don't even know really) other than telling him I want him to refrain from giving me TMI (see my other post re: overreacting).
Barby Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I read that post as well...since you skimmed over this (i'm assuming) could you please clue me in... KMT I'm confused about something, did you think he would leave his wife to "validate" your relationship? (No judgements I want to understand better instead of just advising blindly) Yes I'm sure TMI isn't pleasant but honestly he probably figures you don't mind because it sounds like he thinks you know where you stand with him and what your place is in the relationship, but from your being so upset this doesn't seem to be the case.
Leaf Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 KMT, First and foremost I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. Time will be your best friend here. I dont know what you are going to do, you prolly dont know that either. I am willing to bet that he will try and hold on to you. Be strong. Unfortunatly the roller coaster is a rough one. When you feel pulled in every direction, just remember that you are a beautiful, loving, woman who does not deserve this in any way, shape or form. Its raining down here (SD) too... I think we need some Ben and Jerry's time.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by Barby he probably figures you don't mind because it sounds like he thinks you know where you stand with him and what your place is in the relationship, but from your being so upset this doesn't seem to be the case. No, he KNOWS that I mind. You're miscontruing what I'm experiencing right now. I don't have a "place" in the relationship, he and I ARE the relationship. I do have a "place" in his world/life, though. Obviously, I am not his W. But I am still human, I still have feelings, and I still deserve respect. If he is going to volunteer information that is hurtful, I will permanently cover my ears.
Barby Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 How annoying..okay thanks for clearing that up and thanks for once again not clearing up what I asked...no prob you don't have too.... Anyway I didn't mean to "misconstrue" anything, I've asked you twice now to clear things up so maybe I could be a bit more helpful but I guess that isn't gonna happen. The only advice i have left for you, do something about it or accept your life as it will probably remain as painful if you continue this way.
rtobiejr Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara The strip club thing he didn't think anything about. The chocolate cake was actually a HUGE piece from Claim Jumper meant to serve 5 people that were at his house, and he WAS calling to talk to me and was excited he had an excuse. I.e., he wasn't thinking before he spoke, and now realizes and regrets hurting my feelings. That said, he believes I am beginning to want more than he is "able to give," and he is right. I asked him why he even crossed the line with me in the first place and why he continues being with me now, and he gave me this big old list of reasons why, all these things that make me "incredible." I told him that, based on what he wants or doesn't want or "can't give" me, he's not going to have this "incredible person" around for forever. He was confused, and I explained to him that given the boundaries he has set up, I am obviously not going to be around for forever... He was quiet at that. Just like the current weather here, it's like the quiet after the storm...but another cell is on its way... how pathetic you both are. time to give it up and walk away with some of your dignity still intact.
Grinning Maniac Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 So to sum things up... after all of the whining, crying, misery, and blahblahblah, you and this guy had a loooong talk, he whispered some sweet nothings in your ear about how "wonderful" you are [in the sack], and now things are pretty much the same as they were about 72 hours ago? Great work! You sure aren't taking HIS **** anymore, I'll tell you what. *coughcoughsuckercoughcoughgullablecough* I'm a guy, so let me translate something for you. "He only said that he feels like I am wanting more than he can give me." TRANSLATION: "Haha...baby, I just wanna bang you every now and then, and you're trying to make things all serious. You're starting to cramp my style. Chill out." He HAS told you flat out what the name of the game is, you're just too deep in your own fantasy world to hear it. You don't WANT to hear it. He has literally said that you're wanting more than he's going to give. What you want is totally irrelevant. It doesn't matter if you figured all that out *tonight*. Unless the answer is "I want free sex and your fabulous company", I'm doubting that he's interested. Come on now... Are you really telling me that you don't see that? Yeah right. You're this guy's weekend sperm receptacle. That's all. That wouldn't be my cup of tea in the situation, but maybe you're comfortable with it. You really have two options. You can either live with this being as far as things go, or you can get out and start dating someone else. The current situation certainly doesn't seem to be helping your emotional state right now... Like I said before, this is a red flag to get out of Dodge City and you're hoping that red really means "I love you forever". Cut the bull**** already. The only ones buying it are you and maybe his wife.
Mustard Bomb Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 I think perhaps a chart might be useful: Decent Spongeworthy Guy -is not attached -protects your feelings -brings you cake, phones freely -validates your needs, expects ethical return VS Crappy Worthless Guy - attached - does not consider your feelings - fetches his wife/friends cake so he can call you - dumps you cold soon after you pressure him for 'more than he can give' You're dating the crappy one, in case that's unclear. You're not listening to anyone here, but worse, you're not listening to yourself. This is degrading to your own expectations of romance and love, and at the end of the day he is not to blame for that - you are.
Author KissMyTiara Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 Um, when the hell did I say that I was OK with what he told me this morning, that I was OK with what he said last night?! I am exhausted right now and have a lot of work to do, yet just because I'm not going into a long diatribe the way I did last night, y'all are assuming that I am OK with it all. Chill out everyone. Please.
kim_mc Posted December 28, 2004 Posted December 28, 2004 Hi KMT, Funny you should mention him not being able to give you more..... I just got back from meeting my MM. I am also a MW, so my situation is a little different. We discussed this very issue, well I brought it up. It seems as though I am always the one who brings up these type of emotional issues. I guess he either doesn't think about it as often or does but chooses not to verbalize his thoughts. Anyway, I flat out asked him where we stand and what I am to him. Am I just a mistress. I hate that term. Really, I guess he could be considered the same thing to me. I don't know what the male term for mistress is. He said and has said it in the past, that I do mean alot to him, he cares for me, has strong feelings for me, considers me a friend, and can definately see us together. If him and I were not married we would be a couple in an instant. I do believe him. The problem is, my feelings for him run very deep, and I want to be able to give him more than I can. I want the same from him. I want more from him. If I were single I don't think I could do this. Most of the time, I am so happy to have met him, and then there are times I am so frusterated, or sad, I want to cry...
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