My head and heart are not telling me the same thing

[littleraindrops]

Well this is just a forum, so definitely think it through for what you REALLY truly want. Only you know your life and your circumstances and this guy. On the positive side, which you just mentioned, he did offer to introduce you to her and want you both to hang out. On another positive note, 29 is amazing, and you will have someone else special in your life if you want to. Don't stress (or stay with him just because of that part--it will be fine, promise). Here's the thing if I were in your situation: it sounds like even if there is nothing going on with feelings on either her end or his end, that they have a very tight bond emotionally. Unfortunately, it doesn't give you the opportunity to have your own bond with him that exceeds theirs. It's hard. I'm not very jealous at all and I wouldn't like it and it would be extremely hurtful to me. Good luck.

Thank you, Versacehottie, for sharing your thoughts. I'm trying to wait until after Thanksgiving, although he seems way to happy that we can celebrate our "4 month anniversary" next week. I hate to hurt him, but I am not happy. Things just look so messy and more importantly, not right. I'll eventually figure things out. Thanks again.

[littleraindrops]

it's alight- you tried it again and nothing has changed on his end. It's just very weird that he started off the relationship with a disclaimer that his ex gf is a part of the package as his best friend.

 

In my opinion it's odd for him to think any new gf in his life would be okay regarding his behaviour with his ex. It would be a problem for most people- you've been a trooper putting up with it for as long as you have.

 

I'm not friends with anyone I've broken up with, acquaintances - yes, but that's due to circumstances of having a large social circle. No way I'd ever let an ex take precedence over a new guy- unless the ex still had a hold on me. No other way to say it.

I completely agree. I cut all my exes out of my life once we broke up. I just don't feel respected right now and I think being 6 years older than he is, me feeling like I'm not being respected bothers me, too. I have to toughen up and just be nice to myself. I can't settle again. Last time I settled without realizing, but I know I'm settling if I stay with him, with all the things bothering me. I think a part of it makes it harder is, he is really smart and even though it sounds weird, I like smart people and I find that attractive. I'm hoping that I will meet someone as smart as he is, but maybe more humble and not cocky, and who is actually caring and makes me feel like I am definitely being loved. I hate feeling like I'm the one chasing him, after he approached me.

[blueskyday]

Naw. Not cool with my guy saying another woman is his best friend. I am! That emotional intimacy is for you. No problem being friendly with her, but that's not hanging out alone with her or contacting her every day. Being friendly is saying hello when you run into her in your social circles.

 

I would not put up with his behavior. I make my man #1 above other men. I expect the same. Just be respectful and explain that he now has a girlfriend to take the place of her "friendship" while he was single before you. Really. Women understand to back off when their male friends or exes start up a relationship.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Dear friendly readers,

 

I can't believe I am posting something here. I am lost and I can't make up my mind, so I need help.

 

I am a female, have a younger boyfriend (6 year difference) who is actually pretty mature compared to other guys in his age. He's only been in one relationship before, which only lasted about a little less than a year. They broke up three years ago, but still are very best friends. The girl seems fine, in fact when I didn't know her as his ex, I thought she was a very nice person.

 

The problem I have with our relationship is I am not happy that they are so close. He had warned me before without any specifics (texting everyday, going over to her house every once a while to watch TV, and being there whenever she needed help) that he wanted to continue his friendship with her. I was fine, until he told me that he thinks she still likes him. Then I started to (maybe shouldn't have started) compare how he responds to what each of us does or says.

 

I used to think that, because he mentioned that she needed some emotional support, it was her who did not move on (and he did tell me that himself, too). Now I'm beginning to realize that maybe he's the one who didn't move on because I can tell that he's so scared of losing her as his "best friend". She has dated other people a few times after they broke up and is currently in a relationship, but I am his first gf after their breakup.

 

I happened to watch him putting in the unlock code on his phone and I realized that those 4 numbers were the last two digits of her birth year and the last two digits of his birth year. I want to confront him, but I think he might get defensive and not admit it. We've already had three small breaks within the last 4 months of our entire relationship because of this issue with how he's so attached to his ex. If I confront him and we get into fight, I don't think we'll even remain as friends. We're in a situation where everyone around us knows we're together and I'm afraid that things will get very awkward if we broke up. During those last breaks, I was hit pretty hard, which shows that I may like him more than I thought I did. So I am kind of scared.

 

I tried to think of our relationship as a friends-with-benefit kind of a deal, but he's pretty disgusted by the idea. Attractiveness-wise, I am not too attracted to him physically, but I do find him charming. (People have told me that I could do better). I think he know this, too, but doesn't concern him much.

 

We both will be in this area for another 6 months or so. To be honest, I feel that he doesn't put me before anything because he is a very determined guy with big dreams. With only 6 months left, do I just let it be and try to focus on good and fun things or is it better to end it and deal with the awkwardness?

 

Please give me some advice.

 

Move the hec on. I have been in a very similar situation and they are both still in love with each other. You are second, she is first in his heart. If you are ok with that, continue.

 

I remember when I was 18 I met a man and we began to date. One day something intuitively told me to check his email. Lo and behold I found emails of his ex trying to get him back and him telling her although he is still in love with her, he wants to give me a "chance." There are no fair "chances" of occupation in someone's heart when there is no vacancy.

 

She would call while we were together, antagonize, the whole 9. One day he told me he had to leave GA and go to NC to "help his cousin move." I said ok. My mom asked me if I would "allow" him to go. I said mom, I can't live my life in fear and paranoia.

 

So fast forward to my bday, long story short I caught him in yet another lie (he was a pathological liar who I always got caught in lies) and it turns out ON MY FREAKING BDAY he was boning the ex. She went through his phone, got my family business's phone#, address, my email AND my phone# too. She wrote me a nasty email to brag about what they did etc.

 

Moral of the story, DON'T BE DUMB ENOUGH TO BE #2 when you can be #1. When someone shows you the truth, BELIEVE IT! Their relationship is entirely inappropriate and he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

But if I play the devils advocate, if you are merely a "beneficial friend" and not a legitimate girlfriend, you have NO RIGHT to place these demands so I suggest you solidify your relationship or move on.

Edited November 22, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly